I Do--Or Do I?

by Karen King

  He didn’t know whether she loved Timothy the twat, or was marrying him because she thought he was a safe bet, but he would stake his career on it that she wasn’t in love with Timothy. If she was, she’d never respond to him like she did.

  He must have been mad to let her go.

  He had to win her back, convince her that he’d never let her down again. He realised now how important she was to him: seeing her again, holding her, kissing her, had proved to him that he’d never got over her. That she was the only woman he’d ever loved. Would ever love. He had to talk to her and find out if she was willing to give their love another chance. If he didn’t, he’d regret it for the rest of his life. He couldn’t let her go again.

  What about his trip? He was due to leave in a month’s time. A few days after taking Cassie and Timothy’s honeymoon pictures.

  He got up and walked around, his hands thrust deep in his pockets, his mind in a cotton wool fuzz. He’d loved Cassie before and walked away from her because he wanted more out of life. The need to travel, to photograph far-flung environments was deep in his blood. He knew he couldn’t live without it. Not even for Cassie.

  ‘So there you are!’ Savannah’s voice was dripping with anger. ‘Thank you for humiliating me like that in front of everyone.’

  He sighed and turned around to face her. Hands on her hips, eyes flashing, she looked like she wanted to hit him. He didn’t discount the possibility. Savannah was very highly strung.

  ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that to happen and I know it wasn’t fair on you.’ He levelled his gaze at her. ‘But you were flirting with every man on the dance floor when you were dancing. And we aren’t a couple, are we?’

  That seemed to anger her even more. ‘No, we aren’t, but when we’re together I expect you to have the decency not to cosy up to other women. You were practically snogging her.’ He saw her hand go back but before he could react it had slapped his cheek. Hard. ‘You are so dumped. And when your little friend’s fiancé hears about your antics she will be, too. I hope you’re both very happy together.’

  She spun around and flounced back to the château.

  So she intended to tell Timothy. And yes, she was capable of it. Savannah wasn’t the kind of woman to put up with being humiliated in public. He had to find Cassie and warn her.

  He went back inside and saw Cassie walking through the open doors into the hall.

  He quickened his step to catch up with her. She was stepping into the lift. He raced over but the doors closed before he got there. He glanced at the number – second floor – headed for the stairs, and raced up them two at a time. With a bit of luck her room wouldn’t be right by the lift and he’d catch her before she disappeared inside. Slightly out of breath he reached the top of the stairs just in time to see Cassie walking into a room on the right. Great, at least he knew what room she was in. What should he do now?

  Think. Don’t rush in. He stood for a moment, collecting both his breath and his thoughts. What if Cassie refused to let him in? Told him that she never wanted to see him or talk to him again?

  He had to warn her: knowing Savannah, she was already asking questions, trying to find out who Cassie was. With Savannah’s connections it would be easy for her to find out who Cassie was marrying, and to contact Timothy. He couldn’t let Cassie go back to face that. It wouldn’t be fair. After all, it was all his fault. He’d asked her to dance, followed her outside, and instigated the kiss.

  She’d returned it, though. With passion. He now knew, without any doubt, that she still had feelings for him.

  He flexed back his shoulders and strode purposefully towards the door of Cassie’s room. Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door.

  Silence.

  He knocked again. Louder.

  The door opened slightly. It was the dark-haired woman who’d been sitting next to Cassie at the table, and the one she was dancing with when he’d grabbed her and whirled her around the dance floor. Damn. Cassie must have popped in to talk to her.

  For a moment, Jared was stumped, his usual confidence deserting him.

  ‘Yes?’ The woman raised an eyebrow questioningly.

  Jared coughed. ‘Sorry, I must have the wrong room. I was looking for Cassie.’

  ‘Jared?’ It was unmistakably Cassie.

  The other woman opened the door wider as Cassie walked over to them. ‘What are you doing here?’ she asked, her eyes wary.

  ‘I need to talk to you,’ he told her. ‘About the wedding photos.’ It was the first thing that came into his head.

  ‘Wedding photos?’ She glanced at her watch. ‘At this time of night?’

  ‘Yes, I’m leaving first thing in the morning and a couple of things have come up that I need to discuss with you. It won’t take long.’

  He saw her hesitate, felt rather than saw the other woman’s curiosity.

  ‘Are you two working together on the wedding articles?’ she asked. ‘I thought you were with that model?’

  ‘I’m covering both assignments,’ Jared replied quickly. ‘Do you mind, Cassie? We could talk about it in front of your friend if you prefer?’

  He saw the panic flit across her face, like a doe caught in the headlights of an approaching car. ‘No, it’s fine. Perhaps we can have that drink and chat a bit later, Leah?’ she asked. ‘This won’t take long.’

  ‘Sure. Give me a knock when you’ve finished. I won’t be hitting the sack until midnight,’ Leah told her.

  ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ Cassie hissed as soon as the door was safely shut behind them and they were out in the corridor. ‘Leah is suspicious enough after that dance. It’s a good job I haven’t told her that you’re the photographer for my wedding.’

  She turned and unlocked the door to the next room. ‘I’m not even sure I should be letting you in after that performance.’

  He knew she would. She wouldn’t want to risk anyone overhearing what they were saying. Especially her new journalist friend.

  ‘You’d better make it quick.’ Cassie pushed open the door and stepped inside. Jared followed her.

  ‘Now what do you want to talk about?’ she demanded. ‘I’m sure it’s not really about the wedding photos.’

  He closed the door and leant against it, his hands in his pockets. ‘Yes, it is,’ he said firmly. His eyes met hers. ‘You see, I can’t photograph your wedding for you. I’m sorry.’

  Her eyes widened. ‘You can’t pull out at this late date just because of a little kiss.’

  ‘If Savannah has her way there won’t be a wedding. She’s furious and threatening to find out who your fiancé is and tell him about us. That’s why I’m here. I wanted to warn you.’

  He saw the emotions flitting across her face. Disbelief, panic, then anger. ‘This is all your fault,’ she retorted. ‘Why did you have to dance with me? Kiss me like that? You’ve ruined everything. Again. What is it with you, Jared? You didn’t want me, so why are you trying to ruin my relationship with Timothy?’

  ‘I’m not. It was just a dance for old time’s sake. I didn’t mean to kiss you. Besides, you didn’t exactly push me away, did you?’

  ‘So you’re pulling out of photographing the wedding because your jealous girlfriend has forbidden you to have anything to do with me?’

  ‘Wrong.’

  ‘What?’

  His eyes held hers. ‘She is no longer my girlfriend, we were never a couple – and no one forbids me to do anything.’

  ‘I don’t understand …’

  He reached out and took her hands. ‘The reason I’m pulling out is because I love you. And I think you love me too.’ He leant forward and kissed her on the forehead. ‘Don’t marry Timothy just because he’s a safe option.’

  Her gaze locked with his and he saw her swallow, and lick her lips. He wanted to wrap his arms around her, kiss her again, carry her over to that luxurious bed, undress her, and make love to her. Slowly. Thoroughly. But he’d done enough damage. He stepped back. ‘You’re makin
g a big mistake marrying Timothy. He’s not right for you. You won’t be happy with him. You and me, we’re meant to be together.’

  ‘Really?’ He saw the flash of anger in her eyes. ‘Is that why you ditched me and went off to chase your dream? The same dream you’re chasing now? Remind me, when exactly are you going to the Arctic?’

  ‘Next month.’

  ‘So you expect me to ditch Timothy, walk away from our wedding, our future together, so I can spend a whole month with you before you swan off again? Yep, sounds like a fantastic idea. Not.’

  He paused. She was right. He was being selfish. Timothy could give her the security and commitment she wanted. While he, all he could offer he was love.

  ‘I love you,’ he said softly, his eyes holding hers. ‘Do you love me?’

  Twenty-eight

  Emotion swirled through her. Jared loved her. His words brought a whole mass of memories to her mind, of longings to her body. She ached to reach out and touch him, to lose herself in his touch, his kiss. To be his again, as she used to be. But it was madness and she knew it. Yes, she loved him, there was no denying it. But she had no intention of letting him know; of giving into the desire running through her body, because Jared had a passion bigger than her, a passion he’d left her for once and would leave her for again, and there was no way she was going back to that dark place she’d been when he had walked out on her before. Somehow she found the strength to hold it together, tilt back her chin, and face him full-on.

  ‘You and I were over a long time ago, Jared. I agree that there still seems to be some sort of attraction between us. I guess that’s only to be expected; we were each other’s first love, we were together for years. It’s no wonder our hormones kick in when we see each other.’ She deliberately avoided making eye contact with him. ‘I love Timothy and I’ve no intention of cancelling our marriage. If you don’t want to photograph our wedding then I’ll find someone else.’

  ‘Look me in the face and tell me you don’t love me.’ His voice was quiet, edged with urgency, the deep brown pool of his eyes fixed on hers.

  She met his gaze and swallowed as she saw a flicker of pain in his eyes, and something else, something deep, and yearning. He wasn’t serious, was he? He didn’t really still love her? No, of course he didn’t. He just fancied her, like she fancied him, and he didn’t like it that she was marrying someone else. Like she said – hormones.

  She tried to form the words. She managed to finally move her lips but no words would come out.

  ‘Tell me that you don’t love me and I’ll go away. I’ll never bother you again.’

  Say it. Just four simple words. I don’t love you. Say it.

  He took a step forward so that the toes of his shoes were touching the toes of her sandals. His face was just centimetres away. His body was so close she could almost touch it and it took all her willpower not to reach out and caress his face, his lips.

  ‘I love Timothy and I’m going to marry him,’ she said resolutely. ‘He’s a wonderful man, kind, thoughtful, trustworthy. He loves me and he’ll never let me down.’

  ‘Like I did.’ The words were so soft she could barely hear them.

  ‘This isn’t about you. I got over you a long time ago.’

  ‘Do you and Timothy talk for hours like we did? Do you discuss your dreams, your opinions, talk about every subject under the sun? Do you laugh about silly things? Finish each other’s sentences?’ He reached out and gently traced her cheek with his finger. She instinctively shivered at both his touch and the heat in his eyes. ‘Do you tremble when he touches you? Do your lips part waiting for him to claim them like they are doing now?’ His finger traced over her lips which were, God help her, apart. ‘You do want me to kiss you, don’t you, Cassie?’

  Her whole body was screaming for his kiss, his touch, but she wasn’t going to let him do that. He couldn’t just march back into her life and destroy it then march back out again. She stepped back while she still had the willpower not to step forward into his arms.

  ‘We had something once, Jared, but you destroyed it. You smashed us apart so you could follow your dream. I’m not going to let you do the same to me and Timothy.’ She threw her head back, forced the strength into her voice. ‘We’re over. Now get out of my room before I call security.’

  He held up his hands, palm outwards. ‘Fine, if you’re sure that’s what you want. But I mean it, Cassie. I love you and I think you love me. If you do, then what you’re doing to Timothy is worse than what I did to you. At least I was honest with you, I didn’t string you along. If you marry him when you still love me it will always be between you. Every time he kisses you you’ll be thinking of me.’

  She licked her lips. The arrogance of him. ‘Don’t flatter yourself. I haven’t thought of you all these years and I’m not going to start now.’ Liar.

  ‘I know you, Cassie. Like you know me. I know you love me and I understand why you don’t want to trust me. I’m different now. If you give me another chance I’ll never let you down again.’ He swallowed. ‘Look, I’m checking out first thing in the morning. If you love me and want to be with me then meet me at the reception desk at eight a.m. If you don’t I’ll know you’re still going ahead with the wedding. I’ll call Daniel and tell him I’ve had to pull out of photographing your wedding for professional reasons. And I’ll try to talk Savannah around so that she doesn’t tell Timothy.’

  Cassie reached out to steady her hand on the wall as he closed the door behind him. OK, threatening to call security was a bit over the top but if he’d have remained there a moment longer she wouldn’t have had the strength to resist him. She stumbled over to the bed and sank down on it, groaning as she held her head in her hands. What was she going to do? Jared was right, she did still love him.

  She sat there for ages, deep in thought, remembering how much in love she and Jared had been. How happy she’d felt. Then she thought of Timothy. It was true, he didn’t make her heart race Jared did but he was a good, kind man and she loved him. OK, maybe she wasn’t ‘in love’ with him she had to admit that, but being ‘in love’ was overrated. She cared for him a great deal and knew he cared for her too. Mutual respect and consideration was a good basis, probably a better basis for a happy marriage than heady lust and young love, which always faded in the end. There was no going back. She and Jared were over; had been over a long time ago. All she could do now was move forward.

  She glanced at the clock. 10.30 p.m.. She always phoned Timothy at 11.00 in the evening so she could say goodnight. She quickly undressed, removed her make-up, and showered. Then climbed into bed and dialled Timothy’s number.

  He answered on the third ring. ‘Cassandra, I was just about to phone you. How’s it going?’

  She told him a little about the château but could tell by his tone that he wasn’t really interested, although he did try to feign interest.

  ‘I’m sorry, sweetheart, but I can’t meet you at the airport tomorrow. I’ll be in a meeting,’ he said. ‘You don’t mind getting at a taxi, do you?’

  ‘No, of course not.’ She tried to hide the disappointment in her voice. Just for once she would have like Timothy to put her first, to show her that he missed her enough to cancel his meeting, come and meet her and swoop her up in his arms. She wasn’t being fair; his job was important. Timothy was too committed to let people down. Besides, being impulsive wasn’t his style.

  She had to tell him about Jared before Savannah did. She formed the words in her head ‘You’ll never guess what, darling, our photographer is here too, on a photo shoot with his model girlfriend. I forgot to mention to you that we went out together years ago, so we had a dance for old time’s sake but his girlfriend got a bit jealous’ but before she could say them, Timothy told her he had to go.

  ‘Sorry, I’ve got lots of notes to read through. Have a safe trip home and I’ll see you tomorrow.’

  ‘OK. Goodnight. Love you,’ she whispered into the phone.

  ‘Love you too. G
oodnight.’ And he was gone. No ‘I miss you’, no sweet endearments and declarations of undying love, of course not. Timothy wasn’t a very demonstrative person.

  She held the phone in her hand, tears welling in her eyes. Jared was right. There was no chemistry between her and Timothy. If she hadn’t met Jared again she could have ignored that and happily married him, accepted that their union, while pleasant, wouldn’t be one full of passion. She could have accepted ‘caring’ instead of ‘loving’. Not now, not after feeling the giddy butterflies of love again, the aching desire to be caressed and kissed. She couldn’t commit herself to a loveless marriage. It would destroy her.

  She had no intention of going back to Jared. It wouldn’t work. Once their mutual desire wore off they’d be back to square one – at least he would be, because she didn’t believe she would ever stop loving him. And there lay the dilemma, because it wasn’t fair to Timothy to marry him when she still had feelings for Jared. She had no choice.

  She had to call off the wedding.

  Twenty-nine

  Cassie had a restless night’s sleep. Finally waking at six thirty, she made herself a cup of coffee and sat in bed nursing it while watching the hands move slowly around the clock. Seven o’clock, half seven, ten to eight, five to eight. Eight o’clock. Was Jared waiting in reception hoping she would come down and tell him she’d changed her mind, that she loved him and was calling off the wedding? How long would he wait?

  She glanced over at the door, half expecting him to knock. To her surprise, she saw a piece of paper had been slipped underneath it.

  She got out of bed and padded barefoot across the floor. Picking up the note – a page torn from a reporter-style notebook then folded in half – she saw her name written on the outside of the top fold. In Jared’s handwriting.