Hello World

by Joanna Sellick

  Running a hand rapidly through my hair, I frantically try to keep myself together.

  ‘And now, everything I’ve tried to keep locked away, everything about Alex that I’ve tried to keep a secret is out,’ I say in softer tone, my voice now weak. ‘All because I went to that damn party last night, my tormentor told me not to go, but I didn’t listen. Once again I’ve screwed up.’

  ‘Tormentor?’ Jay frowns, his face hardening. He doesn’t dare take a step closer to me though.

  I sigh, shaking my head. ‘Someone’s been messaging me for months now, taunting me about it. Somehow they know everything and they like to remind me of it. I keep a diary of everything they say, to remind me what I did,’ I murmur. ‘I’ve got to go.’

  I turn to go and start walking, ignoring Jay’s pleas.

  Feeling a hand on my shoulder, I jump instinctively and push him away violently. Jay looks at me in disbelief.

  Shaken, I back away from him, my whole world crumbling around me yet again at the shocked expression on his face.

  ‘Just… leave me alone!’ I end up screeching before sprinting off again. My feet continue to pound at the ground and I ignore everyone in the streets who give me odd or weird looks.

  I finally reach home and burst through my front door, thankful that Charlie is at work, before running into my room and slamming the door shut, falling onto my bed. I scream into my pillow and tear at my bedding until I end up collapsing, crying into it instead.

  ‘Neve.’ I hear a soft voice soothing me and I snap my head up, standing up and clutching a pillow close to me.

  ‘I’m going crazy,’ I whisper to Alex. The embodiment of Alex shakes his head, a small smile on his perfect features. He’s in the same thing I saw him in last time, his “comfy clothes.”

  ‘A crazy person doesn’t know they’re crazy,’ he reasons in that soft tone. Then he turns serious, making his way over to me, almost as if he longs to pull me into his arms again, but we both know he can’t. ‘Neve, you have to stop this. Don’t do this to yourself, I beg you,’ he pleads, anguish clouding his expression.

  I gasp and step backwards, pressing up against my desk.

  ‘You’re not real,’ I accuse, my voice trembling. ‘You’re just my imagination, you aren’t him.’

  ‘But if I was he would be saying the exact same thing,’ Alex argues, his blonde hair falling over his eyes like it always did whenever he was annoyed, the action only frustrating him more. The trait is there now, and he quickly pushes it off his forehead. ‘Please Neve…’

  ‘No!’ I shout, throwing the pillow at Alex. Of course, it goes straight through him. I squeeze my eyes shut, digging my nails into my palms rapidly.

  I want this all to stop. I want to wake up from this nightmare.

  ‘Just go away! You aren’t him!’ I scream into air. When I open my eyes, Alex is gone, his loss taking some part of me away with him all over again. In frustration, I tear at my paper cranes, pulling them from the ceiling and crushing them before I crumble to the floor, a tiny red one in my palm which I hold closely against my chest.

  I stay there for a long time, although I don’t bother to check how long for before I distantly hear the doorbell ringing frantically. Frowning, I slowly uncurl myself as the bell continues to chime and quickly dab away at my stained cheek and run a hand through my hair before opening the door.

  On the other side, Blake lets out a loud sigh of relief.

  ‘Thank God,’ he whispers. I take note that he stays carefully where he is, not wanting to startle me.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ I manage in a barely audible voice. ‘Did Jay send you?’

  Blake frowns, taking a step back as hurt fills him.

  ‘You think that’s the only reason I’m here? Because my younger brother told me too?’ he asks quietly.

  My mouth falls open when I realise what I’ve just said, and self-hatred flows through me again. Why do I always have to hurt everyone?

  I make a funny noise in the back of my throat before slamming the door shut, no clue as to what to do. I hear Blake knocking on the door again, shouting my name, but I just slide down against it, holding my head in my hands.

  ‘Neve? Neve! Please, open the door,’ Blake pleads from the other side.

  Why couldn’t I have just thrown myself off that damn bridge? It would have saved everyone a hell of a lot of trouble.

  ‘Neve, please!’

  I don’t dare move until Blake’s shouts start to die, until he finally gives up and he leaves.

  Somehow, I end up in the foetal position again, giving myself freely to the blackness that is unconsciousness.

  When I wake up, it’s to knocking once more. Thinking its Blake, I pull myself up and throw the door open, ready to launch myself into his arms and tell him I’m sorry. I just manage to stop myself though as I realise that the people at the door certainly aren’t Blake.

  One is a tall woman, dark hair hanging loosely around her face, in smart trousers and a long, done-up, grey coat. The other is a man in similar attire.

  ‘Neve Willows?’ The woman asks, not particularly threatening but not really friendly either.

  It takes me a moment to remember that I am Neve Willows and, very slowly, I nod.

  ‘My name is DI Nickleson,’ the man introduces in a friendlier voice. ‘And this is DI Williams. We’d like to ask you a few questions about Alex Mason.’

  CHAPTER 25

  Jay told them everything.

  Well, everything I had told him.

  Currently, I’m sat in a hard, plastic chair in a grey room even duller than Nadine’s office. The two inspectors are on one side of the narrow table and Nadine is on my right.

  I’m not being interrogated exactly, they’re just trying to find out what really happened and Nadine hasn’t left my side since she found out through the grape vine that I’ve been taken in. Since I’m under eighteen and not exactly arrested, they let it slide and allowed her in, I don’t think DI Williams is too happy about it though.

  Nadine tells me I don’t have to say anything until I get a lawyer or something but I decide to wave her off and tell the police everything; the damage has already been done.

  Obviously, I go through it in more detail than I did with Jay, giving them dates, times if I can remember them and going through everything Mr Fenwick did or said, my skin crawling the whole way through.

  When I’m finished, the detectives tidy up their notes and then Nadine turns to me.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell us?’ she asks softly, squeezing my hands.

  I look down. For Alex. For Alex and his parents, that’s why.

  ‘Have you ever met Alex’s parents?’ I ask all three of them in a small voice. The detective’s nod but Nadine shakes her head. ‘Well, they’re the kindest people I’ve ever met, but that kindness comes with a price. They are so gentle and loving that whenever something bad happens they blame themselves endlessly. I saw them briefly after we first found out about Alex’s death, and I could see the pain and self-hate all over their faces. I could see that they somehow blamed themselves for all of this, and I couldn’t give them something else to hurt over. Because telling them that their only son had been hurt and afraid for so many months before and they hadn’t been able to do anything? That would have killed them, so I kept my trap shut and told them it was me everything else had happened to. Everything else was true, everything about what happened that night. But I owed it to Alex to keep the rest of it quiet.’

  It’s funny, doing this, telling this to someone. It goes against everything I have felt for so many months. But in doing so, I can feel something lifting off me. That weight I have been dragging around for so long is slowly dissipating.

  Charlie and Nadine have both heard my version of the story before, but I don’t think even Nadine can comprehend the real version at this moment in time.

  ‘Now,’ DI Nickleson shifts uncomfortably, ‘there is the small matter of you lying in court, which is a serious offence-
’

  ‘No,’ Nadine snaps sharply, her grip on my hand suddenly tighter. ‘She didn’t do it with criminal intent-’

  My eyes widen as I realise what they are getting at. Technically I had committed a crime after all, by lying about the events in court when Mr Fenwick was charged.

  ‘Miss Hemsworth,’ DI Nickleson says calmly. ‘Given the circumstances, we are in a position to drop the charges, providing Neve agrees to continue with her therapy sessions until we say otherwise.’

  Nadine pinches my hand.

  ‘Yes,’ I blurt out, nodding my head before throwing Nadine a dirty look. She winks. ‘I agree to that.’

  ‘Very well then.’ DI Nickleson smiles before digging around in his pocket and pulling out a business card. ‘I think we’re done here. But if you have anything else you want to talk about or have any questions then give me a call.’

  ‘What about Mr Fenwick?’ I ask suddenly. ‘You can convict him of murder, right? Now you know, he has more of a motive, he must have killed Alex, right?’

  DI Williams sighs sadly.

  ‘Miss Willows, we investigated the possibility when the case was first opened and there was no solid evidence for this. Even with your statement today it doesn’t change that, though we will strive to try and solve this with the new information. Providing you are telling the truth this time?’

  I decide I don’t like DI Williams, but she’s only doing her job so I nod and bite back a snarky comeback.

  ‘I swear.’ I say calmly. ‘But it was murder, right? I mean deliberate murder, not just a mugging gone wrong, he was hit directly on the back of the head, right?’

  DI Nickleson sighs.

  ‘I’m afraid we can’t disclose details on cases, but yes, it sounds like it.’

  I bite my lip and sit back in my chair. If Mr Fenwick didn’t kill Alex, who did?

  Nadine and I are finally allowed to go but I stay silent as we emerge from the room. Then, across from the hallway, emerging from another grey room is another familiar couple, and I stop dead in my tracks, not being able to stop myself from staring.

  Delia and Ron Mason are standing in the hallway, holding each other closely. Ron looks up and catches my gaze before letting go of his wife and beckoning over to me. I stay frozen until Nadine gives me a little push of encouragement.

  Mechanically, I walk over to Alex’s parents, inwardly cringing at the tears on Delia’s cheeks. Those tears are because of me.

  To my surprise, Delia opens her arms and pulls me into a hug, crying endlessly onto my shoulder, her arms wrapped around me tight. In shock, I break into tears too and we hold each other fiercely.

  Eventually, we let each other go and Ron puts a hand on my shoulder.

  ‘We heard everything,’ he tells me, referring to the room behind the black glass window. ‘We know what you did, thank you for that,’ he says, trying to keep his voice steady. ‘You shouldn’t have kept it to yourself, for your own sake, but thank you nonetheless. Alex was lucky to have someone like you.’

  His words startle me. I have been expecting him to never want to see me again, which is why I have been avoiding him ever since. But, for him to say that…

  ‘Thank you,’ I manage to choke out.

  ‘You’re free to come by anytime,’ Delia tells me, putting a hand on my cheek and another on my arm. ‘Why don’t you come around to dinner sometime? We have some catching up to do,’ she smiles.

  ‘That would be great, thank you,’ I sniff, nodding and managing a smile of my own. Ron squeezes my shoulder and Delia hugs me one last time before they head off.

  As I watch them leave, I see another figure enter the police station, his briefcase in one hand and his hair ruffled, his tie hanging loosely around his neck.

  Charlie.

  I break into a run and cross the size of the station in no time at all, throwing myself into his arms. Charlie is ready catch me and I collapse against him, his strong arms holding me up as I shake. I clutch to him tightly like I’m five years old again, like I used to do whenever I fell over and scraped my knee.

  Charlie kisses the top of my head, whispering encouraging words to me and holds me against him protectively. He shares a few quick words with Nadine to catch up on the situation before taking me straight home.

  We don’t talk, neither of us knowing what to say. When we get in, Charlie puts on a movie and we again watch that in silence, both of us afraid to say anything but needing to stay together.

  When Charlie does put tea on, we start eating in silence, but he eventually breaks it.

  ‘You know you can talk to me about anything, right?’ he says at last, putting his folk down.

  ‘I know, Charlie…’ I frown, also discarding my dinner. ‘But this time I just couldn’t. I know it’s hard to understand… I can hardly understand it myself but it was just something I couldn’t share with anyone… please don’t be mad.’

  ‘I’m not mad,’ Charlie sighs, shaking his head. ‘I just… I don’t understand this either. I know I’m no good at this parent stuff, I mean, lets face it, I haven’t got a clue. Just, tell me how I can do better, tell me how we can avoid this happening again,’ he asks desperately, running a hand through his hair.

  ‘Oh, Charlie,’ I say softly, pushing up from my chair and dragging it around to his side of the table. ‘I know I don’t say it enough, but you are the best father figure I could ask for. I wouldn’t change you for anyone, I promise. You’ve taught me so much, and you’ve always been around for me. This was just something I had to do on my own. I wouldn’t have told my parents either.’

  ‘But that’s the problem,’ he argues miserably. ‘I need to know that if, God forbid, anything like this happens again… or if you’re having any troubles at all… I need to know that you’ll come to me first instead of keeping this to yourself.’

  ‘I will,’ I say honestly, nodding my head. ‘I promise I will.’

  ‘Okay,’ Charlie says at last, finally accepting.

  The doorbell goes then and we both look towards the door.

  ‘I’ll go. It could be the detectives again, or Nadine,’ I volunteer. Charlie just nods and I notice the dark circles under his eyes. Leaving him in the kitchen, I go to the door and open it carefully.

  It’s Jay.

  ‘Neve-’ he starts, but I don’t want to hear it.

  Without a second glance, I slam the door shut in his face.

  ‘Who is it?’ Charlie shouts. I just sigh and shake my head.

  ‘No one, Charlie. No one.’

  The next morning, I wake up with a stiff neck and work out that I must have slept in a funny position last night. I sit up and stretch, taking a look around my room. It’s still a complete mess, one I can’t be bothered to clear up. The old diary sits on my desk, discarded these past few weeks but all of its pages still burned into my mind. Everything my tormentor has said to me.

  I ignore it.

  I ignore everything actually, just staring at my ceiling until Charlie knocks on my door. I tell him its open and Charlie emerges, a brown envelope in his hand.

  ‘This came for you this morning,’ he tells me, lying it down the bed. ‘Do you want me to stay at home today? Because I can-’

  ‘I’ll be fine,’ I tell him with a smile. ‘I’ll take the day off school but I’ll just stay here. I’ll be fine and I’ll call you if I need anything,’ I repeat.

  Charlie looks conflicted but I tell him to go and eventually he does. Then I turn my attention back to the envelope. I regard it closely and slight dread runs through me.

  Is it another message from my tormentor? One last disaster to tie it all together?

  Then I notice my full name and address typed at the top and decide it’s too official too be anything from my tormentor.

  Curious, I open the package and out drops several leaflets and promotional booklets for Cambridge Regional College, along with information on how to prepare for my interview.

  At first I’m ready to discard it, throw away my f
uture all over again but then Ron’s words ring through my ears. Alex was lucky to have someone like you.

  And Charlie; what would Charlie say if I threw this all away now?

  I will have a future, my mind tells me.

  Then I think unwillingly of Jay. The boy who is the whole reason I’m holding these booklets in my hand in the first place. The boy who has been trying to fix me from the moment he found out I was broken.

  The boy who’s face I slammed a door in front of.

  If Jay went to the police, it was only to help me, not to spite me. That’s all Jay has ever done; help me.

  Dammit.

  Retracting my promise to Charlie made only a few minutes ago, I get ready to leave the house and set off in search of the Ellsworth boys.

  I need to speak to Jay. Blake too.

  I fly out of the front door and find my bike propped up against the wall. Jay must have brought it home from school for me yesterday.

  Groaning to myself for once again acting like a cow, I grab my bike and ride full-speed towards the house.

  As I reach the house though, a faint ringing of sirens breaches the barricades of my headphones and I peddle faster, nausea rising up. I turn into the street and pull my bike up to a screeching halt, letting it drop to the floor as I pinpoint the sound of the sirens.

  An ambulance sits outside the Ellsworth house, a crowd of people building around outside.

  Disentangling myself from my headphones and bike, I run the last leg on foot, pushing though various people until I see Blake standing in the front garden, looking up at the house. My pace slows as terror flows through me.

  ‘Blake?’ I squeak nervously. Blake turns at the sound of my voice, his eyes red as if from crying. ‘What’s going on?’

  Blake shakes his head and pinches the bridge of his nose.

  ‘It’s Jay,’ Blake says distantly. ‘He’s not waking up.’