Hello World

by Joanna Sellick

‘Jay, please,’ I beg. His smile drops and he regards me carefully.

  ‘Is something wrong?’ Jay asks, concern appearing on his features.

  ‘Me and Blake had a fight,’ I quickly blurt out, rather lamely. Jay smiles and shakes his head.

  ‘Oh, Red,’ he chuckles. ‘Couples have fights, you’ll make up by tomorrow. Please come out tonight?’ When I don’t say anything he folds his arms. ‘If you don’t like it, just give me a shout and we’ll leave. But I refuse to leave without you at least giving it a go, it’ll be good for you. Nothing bad will happen while I’m there, I promise,’ Jay tells me, determination now written all over his face.

  But you don’t know that, I think desperately, my mind going back to the photo stuffed hastily down the back of the table beside me.

  ‘Please?’ Jay says one more time.

  I frown. Would my tormentor really reveal everything about my past? Surely they have more to lose out of doing that than to gain because they’ll have no secret to taunt me with in the future?

  My tormentor is cruel, but not that cruel. I look up at Jay again, his whole composure and just general Jayness filling me with a slight confidence.

  Then I think about these past few weeks. A few weeks; can that really be how long I’ve known him for? I’ve changed so much in just that short amount of time, and I think, I hope, that I’ve become stronger in that time.

  It’s like Noah said, I can’t let my tormentor own me.

  ‘Let’s go,’ I say with a sudden determination of my own. Despite my bravado though, my stomach is flipping violently. Jay’s face lights up in triumph and we head over to the car.

  Since Declan’s house is only ten minutes away, we get there in no time, the loud music giving the party scene away. We don’t bother knocking and just walk in, finding Dec passing through the hallway.

  He grins as his eyes land on us, not even giving me an odd look that I’m at his party. Either I’ve been overreacting this whole time or he’s too drunk to question anything.

  ‘Hey guys, beer is in the kitchen,’ he announces, his blonde hair flopping over eyes before he disappears into the crowd.

  ‘Yes please,’ I announce, still feel nervous. Then I turn to Jay, ‘Want one?’

  Jay seems to argue with himself over the decision before shrugging.

  ‘Just the one,’ he confirms, following me into the kitchen. We each grab a beer before elbowing our way through to the living room where we find Noah and her group of friends all piled on one sofa. Stacia and Cassie are laughing at one end, squished together with Michael and their friend Evan on the other side, Noah sat across all four of them, her feet at the boy’s end.

  ‘Surely that sofa isn’t made for that many people?’ Jay muses by way of greeting.

  ‘Definitely not, especially with Fatty here,’ Evan retorts, pointing at Noah’s feet.

  ‘Hey!’ Noah argues. She goes to kick Evan lightly but ends up missing and catches Michael’s cheek. Mike frowns and rubs his cheek.

  ‘You’re a terrible Christian,’ he complains, rubbing at his cheek dramatically. Noah just laughs evilly.

  Evan looks up at me and smirks. ‘Hey Neve, you look terrified.’

  I’ve sat with the group a few times this week, and one thing I’ve learnt is that Evan calls it how he sees it. He doesn’t mean it as an insult, it’s just his way.

  ‘That’s because I am,’ I grin shyly, taking another swig of my drink.

  ‘Well, if anyone makes a move we’ll be on them like a tonne of bricks,’ Noah announces, Stacia agreeing with a wink.

  ‘Mike’s right, you do have an evil side,’ Jay muses. Mike looks up at Jay, raising an eyebrow, his glasses falling down his nose.

  ‘Mate, I’m always right.’

  I chuckle and before long Noah and Cassie hop off the sofa, deciding its time to do some mingling, taking me with them. We push our way back to the kitchen in search of snacks when a sharp and furious voice stops us in our tracks.

  ‘What the hell are you doing here, freak?’ I spin around to find Kai glowering at me.

  ‘The same reason you are,’ Noah responds calmly, although her lips have fallen into a thin line. ‘She was invited, lay off, Kai.’

  As for me, I just stand there, frozen.

  ‘Invited?’ Kai scowls. ‘Don’t pretend you belong here, Neve. You don’t.’

  ‘I said, leave her alone,’ Noah snaps, taking a step in front of me.

  I blink, Kai’s words piercing right through me, sharper than a knife.

  Part of me wonders why I’m so surprised to hear those words, that’s what I’ve been telling myself for so long isn’t it? That I don’t belong here, that I shouldn’t be here? That I’m an outcast and I should have thrown myself off that bridge that night?

  Yet something clicks inside me, an on switch that ignites a flame in an empty space. I stare at Noah in front of me, who looks ready to really jump on her like a tonne of bricks. Cassie too, even though I’ve only talked to her briefly in the past few days, looks ready to jump to my defence.

  Then I think of Jay and Blake, the two boys who have saved my life in ways they can’t imagine.

  Perhaps, just maybe, I do belong. Maybe I do have my place here, and people will notice if I’m gone. Maybe there are people who do care about me.

  People, who have to constantly be my defence because I’m too weak to stand up for myself, like Blake with Marty and his crew, or Noah now.

  I was right earlier, I have become stronger. It’s time to start fighting my own battles.

  ‘Leave it Noah,’ I say softly, my voice eerily calm. Then I turn to Kai. It’s time to face up to some old ghosts. ‘Kai, I am so sorry for what happened, if I could take everything back and get Alex back I would. I would do it a thousand times over, but there is nothing I can do, and I’m sorry for that even more.’

  Obviously not the answer she was expecting, Kai stares at me. I turn to go when I see her demeanour crack in the corner of my vision and the girl breaks, her face heating up in anger.

  ‘You’re sorry?’ she growls angrily. A few people who had still been minding their own business now pause to look, straining to hear over the music. ‘You’re the reason my best friend got the back of his head smashed in and you’re sorry?’ Kai snaps, her hands bawling into fists.

  Gone is the calm and control from my voice.

  ‘Alex was my best friend too!’ I snap back, my voice easily stamping out her retort. Anger floods through me, fuelling my every word. How dare she? ‘You don’t think I wonder everyday over what I could have done better? Over how I could have done anything to stop him from being killed? I punish myself everyday for what happened and I don’t need people like you doing it for me!’

  Furious, I take a step back and start heading for the doorway, only pausing when I finally reach it. Kai is glowering at me, hatred plastered all over her face.

  ‘What happened, happened. There’s no way any of us could have seen it happening, so how could I have stopped it?’ I say in a slightly calmer yet still firm voice. My voice cracks then and I will myself to keep the tears at bay, although some still escape. ‘You don’t have to forgive or forget, just don’t talk to me ever, ever again.’

  A moment later I feel an arm wrap around my shoulders and look up to see Jay standing there. He winks.

  Silence falls in the kitchen and Kai’s mouth drops open and closes again like a goldfish before Noah finally strides away, coming to meet us. Apparently Declan has also come in with Jay and she slaps his back.

  ‘Great party mate, but I think we’re gunna head back to mine,’ she winks. ‘If we go now we can still make it in time to see Dancing on Ice.’

  Jay nods to Declan and sort of steers me away. It’s not until we are out in the front garden and the cold air hits me that I realise what I’ve just done.

  ‘I cannot believe you just did that!’ Cassie squeals.

  ‘I can’t believe I missed most of it,’ Stacia moans unhappily.

  �
��Whilst I don’t condone violence, that was pretty awesome,’ Noah comments with a sly grin.

  Jay nudges my arm. ‘I’m proud of you, you just faced your demons,’ he teases. I just shake my head in disbelief.

  ‘You’re proud of me for snapping at Kai?’ I frown. Jay shakes his head and lowers his voice.

  ‘No, I’m proud of you for what you said about Alex. About how you couldn’t have seen it coming so therefore it couldn’t have been your fault. You should listen to yourself more often, because you’re right.’ I just nod, not even realising that’s what I had said in the heat of the moment.

  Another thought suddenly occurs to me.

  ‘I am so dead on Monday,’ I panic. Jay laughs and squeezes my arm.

  ‘You’ll be fine, I’ll make sure of it.’

  We head over to Noah’s and, although I thought she had been kidding, she puts on Dancing on Ice and we all crowd around in her living room. Apparently Mike and Evan are big fans.

  Looking around, I feel something strange that I haven’t felt in quite a long time. Happiness.

  I belong here, in this little group. I’ve faced down Kai and my other demons.

  Well sort of, I know I have a long way to go. But a little bit of hope sparks in me, and for a moment it feels good and real. Solid.

  Plus, I’ll call Blake and fix things with him tomorrow.

  Jay sees me smiling to myself and grins, mouthing to see if I’m okay.

  ‘I’m fine,’ I mouth back, my lips twitching upwards at the sentiment.

  And for now, I am fine. For now, everything is perfect.

  CHAPTER 24

  I try to get a hold of Blake over Sunday, even Jay, but neither of them pick up so I focus on my psychology revision for the rest of the weekend. On Monday morning I decide to pop by Al’s coffee shop on my way to school as I’ve been severely neglecting it since the arrival of the Ellsworth boys.

  As I push my way in the familiar smell of coffee hits me, making me realise just how much I’ve been missing this place. Al waves at me from the counter and beckons me over.

  ‘Neve, I was thinking you’d left me for one of the larger chains of coffee shops!’ he announces, pretending to sob. I laugh and put some money on the counter.

  ‘Nah, Starbucks isn’t half as good as this place,’ I tell him with a wink. Al beams before putting together the usual, presenting me with a warm latte. I’m about to leave when I remember something I should have said to him ages ago.

  ‘I’m sorry, about your wife,’ I say softly. Al looks up and I see his own face soften.

  ‘It’s been a hard three years,’ he shrugs sadly.

  ‘Is there any hope for her getting better?’ I ask gently. Al looks up at me with confusion.

  ‘My dear Neve, my wife passed away three years ago.’

  My mouth drops open in confusion. I thought Jay’s aunt was battling cancer? Unless he’s talking about another aunt.

  ‘Oh my God, I am so sorry,’ I say in surprise. ‘I didn’t know…’

  Al waves a hand dismissively. ‘Don’t worry about it. And thank you.’

  I leave an extra tip before saying goodbye and head back to school, replaying Al’s words over and over again in my head. It just doesn’t make sense.

  I lock my bike up and stride into the hallways, still cuddling the last of my latte. The halls seem to be extra crowded today, students huddling in groups to look at notices on walls but I pay no attention to them until I hear my name suddenly whispered.

  My head snaps up and I see every single person in the corridor looking at me. This isn’t me being paranoid or imaging anything, this is real.

  A few students snigger or move out of my way, others laughing or turning away in silent whispers. I finally pay attention to the posters on the walls, the ones that passing teachers have finally noticed and are trying desperately to tear down and move the crowds of students away from.

  Staggering over on wobbly legs, I tear the nearest one down from the wall, clutching it in my hand and praying it isn’t real.

  This can’t be happening. It can’t be.

  ‘You’ve all heard the fairytale of how Neve Willows and Jay Ellsworth came to be. But has anyone ever heard the true story how Neve Willows and Alex Mason ended?’ the poster reads.

  No, no, no.

  In fancy italics, the poster continues.

  ‘Once upon a time there used to be an English teacher called Mr Fenwick,

  Who used to like to take his students out on dates,

  And little Neve fell right into his trap.

  Low and behold, an affair was born,

  Though Prince Alex tried and protested,

  The Princess was stubborn,

  And Prince Alex was gone the next day.’

  Son of a Bitch.

  Below the crude poem is a picture of the CCTV footage from the night of Alex’s death. We’re in Mr Fenwick’s classroom, his arm outstretched as if about to pull me into a loving embrace.

  It was anything but.

  They really did it. My tormenter really has spilt everything.

  I let out a barely audible noise, that I suppose is meant to be a scream, but its gets stuck in my throat, the air suddenly feeling thick and choking me.

  Everything inside me starts to burn, and I begin to taste bile in the back of my throat.

  No, no, no.

  Looking up, my gaze lands on a figure; a boy with brown hair and green eyes. Jay holds one of the flyers in his hands and slowly lifts his eyes to meet mine, filled with confusion and loss.

  Then the bell goes.

  That springs me into action and I drop the poster and what’s left of my latte, sprinting down the hallway and not caring who I push out the way, bursting into tears as soon as I round the corner.

  I have to get out of here. I have to be anywhere but here.

  Humiliation tinting my cheeks and the tops of my ears, I carry on running, forgetting my bike and just needing to get away. Half way across the car park a voice calls out to me and I feel my legs come to an involuntary stop.

  ‘Neve!’ Jay yells. I spin around to find him running towards me, his face reddening from running. He comes to an abrupt stop a few metres away and I suddenly notice what Noah had been saying the other day. He does look thinner.

  Jay looks as if he’s about to say something else but in the end just puts his hands in the air in utter confusion.

  ‘What the hell is going on?’ he says at last, running a hand through his hair in frustration.

  ‘Someone seriously has it out for me, that’s what,’ I snap, backing away. ‘Just ask for God’s sake. Ask me if it’s true.’ I can see the question written all over his face.

  Jay just stares at me for a moment.

  ‘I don’t need to ask, because I know it’s not true,’ he says at last, although his voice sounds unsure. I don’t say anything. ‘Because I thought you could trust me with something like that. Or is your silence trying to tell me that you in fact did have an affair-’

  ‘It was not an affair,’ I say, very sharply, my whole frame shaking.

  Jay’s eyes suddenly widen as realisation dawns on him.

  ‘He attacked you?’ he asks quietly, dropping his hands in shock.

  I laugh darkly.

  ‘There’s one thing my tormentor got wrong in the whole of this,’ I state, folding my arms. ‘I wasn’t the one he chose to victimise.’ Then my voice breaks and the tears fall harder, masking my voice. ‘Alex was.’

  Suddenly, Jay doesn’t have anything to say to that. Or anything else to say at all.

  A heavy silence falls between us.

  ‘Neve,’ Jay says softly, holding his hand out to me and taking a step forward, but I take a step back and make a motion for him to stop.

  ‘Don’t,’ I say shakily. I don’t want to be near anyone, much less touched, even if it is Jay. Jay stops immediately, putting his arms up in a sort of surrender.

  It occurs to me that he’s waiting for more of an explanati
on. After all these months, I’m finally going to be telling someone what really happened that night.

  I take a deep breath, digging my nails fiercely into my palms. I can feel little wet patches of blood welling up but I don’t care.

  ‘For the last few months of year twelve, Alex had been acting a little strange, but whenever I asked he would tell me everything was fine,’ I start shakily. Jay watches me carefully as I carry on. ‘Finally in the summer he told me everything, that Mr Fenwick had been strange, making moves on him and being a bit too… intimate, to put it lightly. I told him to go to the police immediately, either that or I would but he promised me he’d sort it all out, and I believed him.

  ‘Then when school started I noticed him starting to act weird again. I could tell it was getting worse, not just words and the odd slip of the hand but something much sicker, so I went after school to confront Mr Fenwick, to tell him that if he didn’t stop I’d take it straight to the police, with or without Alex’s blessing. Of course, the teacher didn’t take me seriously and then tried…’ I break off, a sob rising in my throat. I quickly push it down and regain composure. ‘He tried to make a move on me.

  ‘Alex was staying after school and must have heard me shouting or something because the next thing I know, Alex bursts into the classroom and throws a punch at Mr Fenwick. I barely had time to react before Alex started dragging me out of there. He took me straight home and sat me on my bed, telling me everything was going to be alright and that he was going to the police immediately, saying that going after me was the last straw.’

  I stop and take a breath, daring a glance at Jay. He’s still wearing a mask of shock yet his lips are set into a firm line.

  ‘I didn’t hear back from him, no matter how many times I called and the next day I found out he was dead,’ I finish, my head starting to throb. ‘In the end, I couldn’t let Mr Fenwick just get away with it so I told them it was me he attacked. Thanks to footage on the CCTV camera from that night it was enough to condemn him and that’s the last I’ve heard of him. I wanted to get him done for murder but they didn’t have the evidence for that,’ I shake my head. ‘But he had to have been the one to kill Alex, because he was going to the police. And it’s all my fault! Because I had to go in there and act like the tough guy instead of going straight to the police like I should have!’ I scream. I’m surprised I have any tears left yet they continue to pour.