Hello World

by Joanna Sellick

  Although Jay’s presence alone is comforting, Blake is something more, and says the things that Jay can’t. It’s as if Blake understands me more than Jay does, which is something I never expected to say.

  But a part of me wonders if the reason Blake and I are getting closer, understanding each other more is because Jay is slowly slipping further away. I don’t know what will happen when he does slip from our group, I don’t dare think about it.

  ‘Neve.’

  The call of my name snaps me out of my thoughts and I find Nadine looking impatiently at me, suggesting this isn’t the first time she has called my name.

  ‘Sorry?’ I ask in a dazed voice. Nadine sighs.

  ‘I was saying that, given the circumstances, I’m transferring you onto someone with more experience, a better eye for understanding what is better for you-’

  ‘I don’t want another counsellor,’ I interrupt, standing up angrily, my daze completely and utterly burst. ‘What I want is to get out of here and to see Jay. What I want is for Jay to get better. Counselling isn’t going to help with any of that,’ I snap, walking towards the door. I’ve had enough of this.

  I grab my bag from the chair and yank on the doorknob.

  ‘Jay wouldn’t want you making yourself worse,’ Nadine argues, throwing down her notes and standing up to follow me. I round on her angrily.

  ‘Don’t you dare tell me what Jay does or doesn’t want. You don’t know him,’ I shout, gaining the attention of some of the other workers around the office outside.

  ‘You look me in the eye and you tell me Jay wants this, to see you losing control again,’ Nadine says. Her words throw me off; she hasn’t been so blunt with me before.

  I make a noise of frustration and continue in my storming out. When I’m halfway down the corridor however, Nadine’s voice brings me to a halt.

  ‘Don’t do this again.’

  I stop in confusion and slowly turn on my heel. Nadine slows her pace and walks closer to me calmly, ignoring her co-workers.

  ‘Don’t walk out again. You realise, that since meeting Jay, you haven’t walked out of any of these sessions,’ she says softly. That’s a small lie; the very first time, the night after the one on the bridge, I had walked out. ‘You’ve been doing so much better, taking control of your life, making things happen. But most importantly, you’ve been happier,’ Nadine continues. ‘Please don’t throw that away by walking out now.’

  My mouth falls and closes like a fish as I take in her expression. Can that really be true, that I’ve been doing that much better? That I haven’t walked out since really meeting Jay?

  I drop my bag on the floor, feeling suddenly weak.

  ‘I don’t want another counsellor,’ I say quietly. Nadine gives me a small smile.

  ‘Okay,’ she says softly, nodding. ‘Okay.’

  What’s left of January slowly folds into February, and even then it passes with such a blur that I can almost taste March in the air. My exams have finished, for now, coursework has been handed in and my interview for college has been and gone.

  Currently, I sit in our kitchen at the tiny table, my hands clasped under my chin, various leaflets scattered around me on the wooden table.

  Charlie enters with his bag slung over one shoulder, whistling to himself after working all day, only noticing me and doing a double start when he turns around in search of teabags.

  ‘Woah, someone hasn’t had any coffee all day,’ Charlie comments, looking me up and down before flicking the coffee machine on. I can’t imagine I look that great, I’ve been exhausted for the past few days. Jay’s getting worse.

  ‘I got into college,’ I say at last, a small smile tugging at my lips. Charlie’s eyes brighten and he breaks into a huge smile.

  ‘That’s brilliant!’ he beams, sliding into the chair opposite. Then he notices my expression and finally looks down at the leaflets for apartments I’ve been staring at.

  ‘Charlie, I want to move out,’ I say evenly. Charlie goes to make some sort of protest but I put up a hand to silence him. ‘Just hear me out. I’m not saying right now, but I want to move out in time for summer when my college course starts. If I was going to uni this year I’d be moving out anyway, right? So this isn’t really that different,’ I reason. ‘I can’t stay here, Charlie, not after everything that’s happened.’

  ‘I… don’t want you to leave,’ Charlie frowns, lost for words. I smile.

  ‘Neither do I, I love living with you,’ I assure him. ‘But this place is going to drive me crazy. I need a new slate, somewhere away from my old life.’

  ‘How are you going to afford it?’ Charlie argues, leaning back in his chair. ‘Cambridge is one of the most expensive places around.’

  ‘I’ll get a job, I’ll only be at college three days a week so if I work my butt off I can make it all work,’ I reply, going over the plan I have already come up with. I twiddle my thumbs, unsure about the next one. ‘Plus… I’m eighteen soon, so I’ll get my inheritance come through-’

  ‘Your inheritance was not there to be spent on living space… well, not yet anyway,’ Charlie grumbles, now folding his arms, not able to keep still.

  ‘My inheritance is there to give me what my parents can’t,’ I point out, ‘otherwise I’d be asking them for the money. And don’t even think about giving me money for this because you don’t have enough of it yourself,’ I warn, my eyebrow raised. Then I sigh. ‘Plus, I was thinking about my old house. It belongs to you, right?’

  Charlie lifts his head with intrigue. ‘Your father left it to me, yes. Mum wouldn’t let me touch it, not that I could bring myself to do so anyway. But in my opinion, it’s yours.’

  I smile sadly. ‘I think it’s time you sold it, or moved into it. Keep the stuff that we want, like Mum’s paintings and such and sell the rest.’

  Again, Charlie moves to protest but I cut him off.

  ‘We’ve been living in the past for too long,’ I say softly, looking down and tracing patterns in the wood. ‘It’s time to start living, really living. I have to let go of the things I can’t have. It’s time to say goodbye to Mum and Dad, Alex…’ my words begin to choke. ‘And even Jay when it’s come to it, otherwise I won’t be able to go on. I can’t go to college, I can’t bring myself to have a future when I can’t see past the past. And this applies to you too, you’re thirty and live with a crabby teenager you had dumped on you, that’s not a life Charlie, but maybe what you can have now will be.’ I add in a rush. Then I take a deep breath and smile. ‘Besides, if things don’t start getting serious with Nadine soon, it’ll never happen.’

  Charlie looks at me for a long moment, not speaking, just staring, his thoughts working like cogs behind his eyes. Eventually he sighs.

  ‘I’m only thirty at home,’ he reminds me with a small smile of his own. ‘When did you grow up so much?’ Charlie sighs, leaning on the table now. He pauses again. ‘I want you to know that I’m proud of you, Neve, really proud. I know your parents would be too. So if this is really what you want, then we’ll work something out. Just don’t give up on me, okay? Don’t cut me out. This is still and always will be your home, understood?’

  I swallow a lump in my throat before moving around to the other side of the table and encasing Charlie in a hug, tears pricking at my eyes.

  ‘Understood,’ I say, my voice shaky. ‘Thank you, Charlie. I love you like my Dad, that’s all you’ve ever been to me. I’m sorry for all the shit I’ve caused you.’

  Charlie laughs, hugging me back tightly.

  ‘Kiddo, you’ve certainly made life interesting,’ he smirks, running a hand through his curls. The doorbell goes then and I bid Charlie goodbye. He gives me a questioning look.

  ‘Blake’s picking me up. Jay and I are going out for a walk but Blake wants to drive us there first since Jay can’t anymore. I’ll be back before ten,’ I call, grabbing my bag and slipping out of the front door where Blake is waiting for me.

  ‘Everything okay?’ Blake ask
s as soon as I’m out of the door, noticing my red eyes.

  ‘I just told Charlie I’m moving out,’ I say, surprised that he has actually agreed. It’s an odd feeling, knowing that my life here will be coming to an end soon, that I’ll be moving into the bigger world.

  ‘How’d he take it?’ Blake asks, wrapping an arm around my waist absently as we go down the path.

  ‘Better than I thought he would,’ I decide, leaning against his chest. ‘How is he?’

  Blake frowns. ‘Not great. I told him he should call this off and spend the night in, but you know how stubborn Jay is,’ he smirks. Then Blake falls serious again. ‘If anything happens, I’ll just be around the block.’

  I nod, the implication of Blake’s words, causing shivers to run down my spine. I get into the car, my face lighting up at the sight of Jay laying back lazily in the car like he owns the place, and Blake drives us to mine and Alex’s hill.

  Jay has lost most of his ability to walk by now, his muscles wearing too thin for it not to cause him pain when he moves, so he uses a wheelchair.

  Blake volunteers to help us push Jay up the hill, but I decline. I just want tonight to be Jay and me, I’m not sure why.

  This does however lead to a chorus of ‘look who got fat,’ and ‘push faster, you weasel.’ After taking far longer than it should have, we finally reach the top of the hill and I collapse on the ground as Jay laughs his head off at my puffing.

  ‘Did you bring it?’ Jay finally smirks after recovering from laughter. I pull myself up and dig around in my bag, now holding my diary in one hand and a lighter in the other.

  ‘Ready?’ I ask, grinning.

  ‘Burn it,’ Jay chimes, winking. Without needing to be told twice, I set fire to the corner of the book, orange flames beginning to lick at the pages of my old life. Everything Kai has ever said to me is burning away.

  It’s a beautiful moment until the flames get dangerously close to my fingers and I start to panic. I haven’t thought past setting the thing on fire.

  ‘What do I do?’ I shriek, waving it around hysterically.

  ‘Step on it!’ Jay laughs, smirking his arse off. I drop the book and quickly stamp on it to avoid setting fire to the entire hill. Then I pick up the charred remains, pull my arm back and launch them towards the heavens. We both cheer and I wander over to Jay, happiness all over my face.

  Jay still looks like Jay, just a little thinner around the edges. If you didn’t know, I doubt you would really realise, unless that’s just me being optimistic.

  A moment of content silence passes over us before Jay taps at his wheelchair and holds out a hand.

  ‘Help me up?’ he asks, sounding as casual as possible. I frown.

  ‘I don’t think that’s good idea. Blake said-’

  ‘Oh, screw Blake,’ Jay sighs irritably. ‘If I promise not to collapse in the next ten minutes, will you help me up?’ he asks dryly. I roll my eyes.

  ‘Fine, but if you do, I’m not carrying you back down the hill,’ I warn. Jay’s eyes light up and he winks. I march over and help him up into a standing position and we move to the edge of the hill, my arm around his waist and his around my shoulders to give him support.

  ‘God you’re heavy,’ I complain. He smirks.

  ‘I’m perfect, you’re just weak,’ he retorts. Jay looks out across the view before him. Almost flippantly he says, ‘well, not so perfect anymore, huh?’

  The comment surprises me, and I realise then why Jay always makes so many comments on his good looks, so much so to the point of arrogance. It’s because he didn’t think they would last.

  I go to tell him that he’s wrong, that’s he’s still handsome and beautiful but I know he’ll just shake it off and ignore me. So I say the only other thing I can.

  ‘I would,’ I say as seriously as possible. Jay bursts into laughter.

  ‘Who wouldn’t?’ he winks, settling into the old Jay again. I smile inwardly. ‘Thank you for taking me here, to yours and Alex’s spot. I know how important it must be to you, it means a lot that you would take me here,’ he adds, almost as an after thought.

  ‘Ours,’ I say at last, turning to look at him. Jay gives me a questioning look. ‘It was mine and Alex’s, now it’s ours,’ I tell him, squeezing his hand. He smiles and looks down, although squeezes my hand back.

  Because that’s how life works. It was mine and Alex’s spot, now it’s mine and Jay’s, and by next week it could be someone else’s entirely. One minute something could belong with you, be standing next to you, and the next it could be gone.

  Life is always moving on, and sometimes, it’s not always a bad thing.

  ‘Wouldn’t it just be great if we could yell all our problems away, shout them at the wind and have them carried off,’ I muse, looking up at the night sky. Jay’s lips twitch upwards.

  ‘So why don’t we?’ he smirks, detaching himself and spreading his arms wide, taking a few steps backwards.

  ‘Don’t you dare-’ I start, but Jay has already made up his mind.

  ‘My name is Jay Ellsworth, and I never learnt to play the piano!’ he yells into thin air. I regard him judgmentally.

  ‘You wanted to learn the piano?’ I laugh. Jay shrugs.

  ‘I also wanted to be able to shoot a hoop. Your go,’ he grins.

  I shake my head but know that with Jay, there is no getting out of this sort of thing. I bite my lip before spreading my arms like Jay had done.

  ‘My name is Neve Willows, and I had a pet rock until I was twelve!’ I shout, raising my voice so loudly that the back of my throat burns. Jay bursts into laughter again.

  ‘You seriously had a pet rock?’ He raises an eyebrow.

  ‘I had a lonely childhood,’ I tease, smirking. Jay rolls his eyes and moves to take centre stage again.

  ‘My name is Jay Ellsworth,’ he says carefully, pronouncing each word with equal precision. ‘And I have cancer!’

  ‘My name is Neve Willows,’ I follow, my voice stronger this time. ‘And I have taken a lot of your shit over the years! But you know what world? Screw you!’

  ‘Nice touch,’ Jay acknowledges, making his way back over to me.

  ‘I thought so,’ I grin. Coming to stand next to me, Jay takes my hand and entwines my fingers through his. I lean against his arm and close my eyes peacefully.

  ‘Neve,’ Jay says in a soft, quiet and almost timid voice. ‘I think it’s coming soon, the end and… I’m scared. I’m honest to God scared shitless,’ he manages to get out. I open my eyes and look up at him to see his throat working, his eyes reddening in that way guys do when they don’t want anyone to realise they’re crying. ‘What if it hurts? Like, really hurts…’ he trails off, rubbing at his eyes subtly.

  I grip his hand tighter, my own starting to shake.

  ‘I’m scared too,’ I admit, suddenly feeling cold and unnerved. Jay never shows emotion about his condition. ‘But I don’t think it will. Endings are supposed to be peaceful, you know? I like to think that, in the end, my parents didn’t suffer much in that crash. That it was over too quickly for them to feel anything. So no, I don’t think it will hurt, you probably won’t even realise it…’ I utter quietly, not sure if my words are comforting or just making everything worse.

  Jay doesn’t say anything, just looks out at the big wide world longingly.

  ‘Do you remember what you said to me, the first time we came up here?’ I smile. Jay raises an eyebrow. ‘You told me you wanted to be remembered when you die, that you wanted to do something that mattered. Well you did, you so did,’ I suddenly choke on my own words, tears prickling at my eyes. ‘You have no idea how much you’ve helped me. You helped me do so much… helped me find things I didn’t even know I was missing. I could never forget you, I don’t think anyone can…’ And then the tears start rolling down my cheeks. Jay wraps his big arms around us both and squeezes me tightly.

  ‘You are so, so special, Red,’ he whispers into my hair. ‘I know I’ve said it before but just know that I
mean that… oh God, you’ve got me going now,’ Jay chuckles, wiping a tear from his cheek.

  ‘I’m going to miss you,’ I sob into his shirt. ‘You broke your promise, you know. You told me you wouldn’t leave…’

  Jay chuckles again, pulling away from me so he can tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. A cold breeze is starting to rise but I ignore it.

  ‘I don’t break my promises.’ Jay’s lips twitch upwards. He holds my arms fiercely, forcing me to look him in the eye. ‘Listen to me, Neve. I will never leave you, never. But I need you to know this, I need you to trust me on this. Please? Promise me you’ll be okay? You have to be, otherwise I don’t know what I’ll do. Promise me?’ Jay begs, gripping my shoulders with a sudden desperation.

  ‘I promise,’ I manage to say. Satisfied, he pulls me into him again and I cry into his shirt, shaking all over.

  There aren’t words to describe a pain like this, to know what the future holds and not be able to do anything about it. But I’m learning that it’s important to live in the moment, and not concentrate on the future or the past. So I’m holding onto this moment, holding it so tightly it can’t ever leave me. Jay can never leave me, he never will.

  We stay up on the hill, holding each other tightly as if we are both about to break into tiny pieces, when I feel Jay start to wobble and decide he has gone enough time standing.

  ‘Come on, we’d better get going. Blake will be wondering where we are,’ I say at last and with a slight smile, trying not to let the regret show in my voice. Jay agrees and we somehow get down the steep hill in one piece.

  Blake picks us up as planned and drops me off at my house. Before I get out of the car though, Jay stops me and grabs my wrist.

  ‘It’s going to be okay,’ Jay says, assuring me. I raise an eyebrow.

  ‘You know those words are just fairytales,’ I remark. Jay smirks.

  ‘Only if you want them to be.’ He says the words lightly, but there’s something very serious in them. I hold his hand for a moment more before finally letting go, a sharp pain piercing at my heart, and stand in the front garden as I watch their car disappear.