Heroine Worship

by Sarah Kuhn

  The brides woke up slowly, blinking, looking dazed. Evie met my eyes, her expression a mix of confusion, terror, guilt. Dave, for his part, collapsed in a heap. Which was probably good, because as the brides took stock of their surroundings, their expressions quickly morphed into full-on glares. All directed at him.

  I stumbled toward Evie, wobbly on my feet, finally slumping to the ground and throwing my arms around her.

  “And people say I can’t do anything halfway,” I sputtered. “But you weren’t content to just be Bridezilla—you had to be Queen Bridezilla. The Bridezilla-est ever.” My words were light, but my voice was shaking, my eyes full of tears.

  “Thank god you were right there being the Aveda Jupiter-est ever,” she said, hugging me back hard. Her voice was shaking too. “You saved me yet again.”

  I pulled back, met her eyes, and felt warmth surge through me as I saw that tangled mess of love and friendship and all the joys and sorrows of our complicated past reflected back at me. I smiled at her, happy that we’d both survived an attempted Bridezilla takeover—and that we’d be by each other’s sides to survive whatever the future held.

  “I think we saved each other,” I said. “Just like always.”

  DEMON ENCOUNTER REPORT

  Submitted to: Sergeant Rose Rorick (Demon Unit, SFPD Emergency Service Division), Dr. Nathaniel Jones (Aveda Jupiter, Inc.)

  Submitted by: Beatrice Constance Tanaka (Super Awesome Note Taker/Researcher/Mentee who would just like to say that she is open to being promoted to a non-Mentee position at either AJI or SFPD! Not picky!!)

  Short Summary: We defeated the bad guys again! Yay!

  Long Summary: Analysis of all collected data indicates Puppy Demon Specimen #8765, referred to in previous reports as Unidentified Demon Specimen #8765—Still At Large, can now be classified as contained. A timeline of events has been pieced together using data collected from various Specimen analyses and interviews with Aveda Jupiter, Shruti Dhaliwal, Maisy Kane, Scott Cameron (who initiated one last connecting spell with Specimen post-battle), and Evelyn Tanaka. E. Tanaka indicated that thanks to her time as a possessed puppy demon co-host, she retained memories/thoughts from Specimen and Specimen’s Co-Conspirator, simply known as “Dave,” and was therefore able to fill in many blanks in the timeline. Dave/SCC fell into a major coma post-containment and shows no signs of regaining consciousness anytime soon. Physicians speculate this has to do with the length of time he was connected to Specimen—the two were so merged, he may be unable to function without it. Report Writer is most relieved about this since Dave/SCC seemed intent on taking over San Francisco via the use of a massive bridal army! (Note from NJ: reactions from “Report Writer” may be editorializing; also, please quantify “major coma” using more specific language.)

  Dave/SCC targeted E. Tanaka as the “co-host” he needed to strengthen his and Specimen’s power after seeing how popular she was among the city’s brides—both possessed and not possessed—and sought to make her the Queen of the Bridezilla Army. Dave/SCC told E. Tanaka he tried to make various existing members of the bridal army the co-host, but none were deemed worthy or powerful enough. He needed someone the army was pre-disposed to following blindly, possession or no.

  Dave/SCC tried to tempt E. Tanaka via various methods, like possessed custom bridal lingerie and resurrected versions of Marcus Wong’s “abomination” dress. While demon hybrid lingerie vendor Maisy Kane designed and sewed the lingerie, it was Dave/SCC who encouraged her to incorporate materials from S. Dhaliwal’s possessed dresses. (M. Kane would like to state again for the record that she is “completely innocent” of all wrongdoing.) But once A. Jupiter became suspicious of the lingerie, Dave/SCC pulled the possession (A. Jupiter would like it noted here that she was “actually right about the lingerie and only wrong about the ultimate culprit”), instead blackmailing M. Wong into making two new versions of the “abomination” gown. Bridezilla army finally managed to capture E. Tanaka on her wedding day with the third gown. Dave/SCC made her co-host of the puppy and a Bridal Queen was born!

  But not for long. Thanks to the quick thinking and actions of A. Jupiter, S. Dhaliwal, and Co., San Francisco’s bravest team of superheroes was able to capture and contain Specimen. A. Jupiter noted that she put two crucial pieces of information together: E. Tanaka’s possessed self referencing co-hosting a “primary puppy power” and the fact that the rest of the Bridezilla army mimicked E. Tanaka’s motions in a way that went way beyond Single Hapa Female or whatever. A. Jupiter deduced co-hosting the “primary puppy power” meant that as Bridal Queen, E. Tanaka was able to control the whole army—and pulling it out of her would shut the whole shebang down! Luckily she was right. The captured Specimen is expected to be dumped back into the Pussy Queen Portal once analysis is complete and further testing and analysis of PQP is recommended as well.

  The wedding afterward was beautiful and Report Writer totally caught the bouquet!

  (Note from NJ: Beatrice, this is a good start. But please watch for editorializing language, generalities, and casual use of exclamation points. Also, I removed all of the emojis originally contained in this report.)

  (Note from RR: I like the emojis. I put them back in.)

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  EVIE DID END up getting married that day. It wasn’t the dream wedding I had pictured, and it probably wasn’t what she was expecting, either. But it was still perfect.

  The Bridezillas all seemed to be fine (if understandably pissed off) and Dave had been rushed to the hospital, comatose. His body didn’t appear to contain any remaining trace of the puppy demon, but he was being scrupulously observed. And he’d have a lot to answer for whenever he woke up.

  After that was taken care of, I stood by Evie’s side, bursting with pride as she and Nate exchanged vows. Lucy, Bea, and I managed to get her out of the latest possessed dress and into her mom’s gown, and even though her hair was a tangled mess and she had lost her shoes at some point during all the Bridezilla-ing, she looked more beautiful than I’d ever seen her.

  As the ceremony wrapped up and everyone milled around taking pictures and doling out congratulations, my parents rushed up to me. And for once, my mother didn’t look disapproving or put out. Her face was flushed, her eyes were bright, and she actually appeared to be kind of excited.

  “Anne!” she said, squeezing my arm. “We couldn’t see everything from our vantage point—and the security people told us we weren’t allowed to get any closer—but what we did see was remarkable.” She smiled. “Watching you was like watching one of those movies with all the men in tight outfits saving the world from explosions.”

  “Superhero movies? Wow, thank you, Mom.” It was about all I could manage to say through my complete and total shock.

  “Hello, hello,” Maisy said, bustling up to us. She brandished her phone. “I’m taking some exclusive snaps for my blog, and I want to get some of the maid of honor.”

  I saw my parents out of the corner of my eye, inching away from me. Preparing to disappear into the background, where they usually existed whenever my Aveda Jupiter public persona came out.

  I grabbed my mother’s arm.

  “Of course, Maisy,” I said. “Why don’t you get one of me and my parents? Yes, they’re totally alive. And I’m not explaining that any further.”

  Maisy’s jaw dropped, but she still managed to take our photo.

  “Well,” my mother said, her less-than-impressed exterior returning as Maisy toddled off. “That was a bit showy, wasn’t it? No need to call extra attention to yourself by calling attention to us, Anne.”

  I just smiled and gave her a hug. But when I looked at the photo of the three of us on Maisy’s blog later, I saw my mother beaming at me with unabashed pride.

  I sent my parents over to the newlyweds to deliver their congratulations and then set off on my own mission—to find Scott. He had moved away from the crowd
to one of the grassy areas near the rotunda and was crouched next to the trap that now held the infamous puppy demon. The puppy had apparently reassembled all the little pieces of itself once it was in the air, so we’d only needed one trap to contain it.

  “Communing with your puppy pal one last time?” I said lightly, settling myself next to him.

  “I do feel an odd sort of affection for it,” he said, patting the box. “Is that weird?”

  “No,” I said, smiling. “To be honest, I can’t help but sympathize with Dave. In a way, he was going through the same kind of identity crisis I’ve been dealing with these past few months, feeling like I was useless, like I just needed a plan and a mission to solve everything.”

  “Maybe so,” Scott said, reaching over to take my hand and giving me a lopsided grin. “But you didn’t feel the need to zombify a bunch of people into being your friends and then use them to take over the city.”

  “Was that his ultimate plan?” I said. “I’m still not entirely clear on what he was trying to accomplish in the end.”

  “I was able to get some last details from the puppy just now,” Scott said, nodding at the trap. “And yes, sort of? Dave was hoping to squeeze everyone who wasn’t part of his possessed posse from the city, just as he believed his café was squeezed out of the Mission. And then I guess he and his new ‘friends’ could just hang out all day, doing whatever they wanted.”

  “Was he the driving force behind all of this?” I asked. “I know you mentioned that at times, the puppy felt conflicted about what they were doing.”

  “As with most things in life, it’s complicated,” Scott said. “When Dave and the puppy merged together, they influenced each other. The puppy gained more awareness, sentience, and Dave gained supernatural know-how. That’s how he knew they needed Evie for the whole ‘re-strengthening’ deal.”

  “About that.” I frowned, then voiced something that had been picking at me. “I know they were using her as the co-host for the primary puppy power, but I was wondering . . . I mean, Dave and the Bridezillas all seemed to retain elements of their natural personalities. But Evie—”

  “None of that was her,” Scott said softly, squeezing my hand. “The co-host gig totally overwhelmed her—it was a very full, very strong possession. She didn’t believe any of what she was saying.”

  I nodded quickly, a mixture of relief and affection for him blooming in my chest—he’d known exactly what I was worried about without me having to say it.

  “The Dave-puppy merger was unlike anything we’ve seen before,” Scott continued. “They really did imprint on each other, in a way. And the longer they were merged, the harder it was to tell where one started and the other began. But at its core, the puppy didn’t like hurting people. It actually tried to escape. The day the Pussy Queen portal opened and nearly killed Nate—that was the puppy desperately calling out to it, getting it to open up so it could go home.”

  “What about the day we dumped the dress into the portal?” I said. “It seemed very much like it was trying to avoid going home.”

  “Dave was trying to pull the piece we’d captured back to him,” Scott said. “It was running away from him, not us.”

  “And what’s its deal now?” I said. “It still wants to go home?”

  “It does,” Scott said, smiling and patting the trap again. “It’s been wishing for others of its kind to hang out with for a long time now. I asked it—just to make sure we don’t need to be looking for any other incorporeal puppy pests—if it was the only puppy who’s managed to come through the Pussy Queen Portal. It said it was—and it doesn’t plan on making that mistake again anytime soon.”

  “Wow, that actually sounds kind of snarky,” I said with a laugh. “The puppy developed a whole personality.”

  “It did—but its thought patterns are becoming less complex the longer it’s separated from Dave. I’d guess it will eventually revert to its mindless state.” His face turned contemplative. “Which seems like kind of a shame, honestly—it was gaining so much awareness, intelligence, and yeah, personality. Now I guess it’ll go back to just wanting to eat everything.”

  I gave him a look. “Only you would find that to be a ‘shame.’ Must I remind you that the Otherworld seems to be populated by evil-leaning things that mostly want to kill us? How do you manage to have so much freakin’ empathy for every single being out there? How are you so damn good?”

  He laughed. “Trust me, I can be bad. Very bad.” He waggled his eyebrows at me and pulled his mouth into an exaggerated sneer.

  “Mmm.” I shook my head at him. “Not convinced.”

  His dorky expression morphed into a sly smile and he pulled me close, lips brushing my ear and making me blush. And then, in a husky voice that made me blush even more, he said:

  “I’ll convince you later.”

  We adjourned to The Gutter for the after-party, where everyone sang bad karaoke and ate worse food. Although after Scott coaxed me into trying the nachos, even I had to admit the fake cheese substance Kevin slopped on top did appear to contain some kind of crack-like component. And Letta’s cake made an excellent dessert. Meanwhile, my parents drank enough to be coaxed into serenading all of us with a duet version of “I Will Always Love You,” Lucy stayed locked in what looked like intense conversation with Rose all night, and Evie and Nate disappeared for about an hour in the middle of things and returned looking rumpled and flushed.

  Everyone had a fabulous time.

  As we all rolled back to HQ around three in the morning and split off to our respective rooms, joy bubbled through me. But just as Scott and I had managed to stagger into my room, I had a sudden realization: “I think I’m hungry.”

  “You want me to go get you something?” Scott asked, flicking open the buttons of his shirt to reveal an expanse of tan ab muscles. I nearly drooled. But I was still hungry for actual food.

  “I’ll go,” I said. “You keep getting undressed.”

  “Bossy,” he said, cocking an eyebrow and giving me a slow smile. But he said it like, you know . . . he liked that.

  I bounded downstairs, flouncing into the kitchen to find Evie sprawled behind the table in front of a massive bowl of ice cream. Her dress was all bunched around her and her hair was still a mess.

  “Oh!” she exclaimed, then giggled. “I guess maybe you had the same idea?”

  “Those nachos were consumed hours ago.” I grabbed a spoon and slid into the chair next to her. “I’m starving.”

  I took a bite of ice cream, savoring the cold and sweet, then pointed my spoon at her. “What are you doing down here? Shouldn’t you be upstairs with your sex machine husband, consummating the marriage?”

  “My sex machine husband passed out before he got his shoes all the way off,” she said, grinning. “It’s been a long day. Anyway, we already sort of . . . consummated. In the Gutter closet.”

  “The closet?”

  She flushed and gave a not-so-innocent shrug. “That’s where we first kissed. And did some other stuff. Well, I guess technically we first kissed in the hall, and then he carried me into the closet, but you get the idea.”

  “Evie!” I laughed. “So that’s why The Gutter holds ‘special meaning’ for you guys. Here I thought that was a deep statement on the true nature of your love. When actually, it’s just a deep statement on boning.”

  “Boning has special meaning!” she protested, poking me in the arm with her sticky spoon. “As you should know by now.”

  We both laughed and she leaned against my shoulder and suddenly we were twelve again, and I knew deep in my heart that everything would be okay.

  “You’ll have to tell me this story about your first kiss at The Gutter,” I said. “In detail, please.”

  “Annie?” Scott strolled in then, looking confused. He was still wearing his unbuttoned shirt, and his hair was mussed, and he somehow looked
way more delicious than the ice cream I was currently licking off my spoon.

  “Sorry!” Evie jumped up and tossed the now empty bowl in the sink. “I totally waylaid her, Scott. You can’t really blame her: I had ice cream.”

  “I see that,” he said, smiling faintly.

  “Take my seat,” she said, gesturing expansively. “I need to go wake my new husband up. He still hasn’t seen my bridal lingerie. It’s extra sexy because it’s totally, one hundred percent not possessed.”

  Scott crossed to the fridge as she left, opened it, and pulled out a plate of something covered in foil. Then he walked over and took Evie’s seat, setting the plate in front of us.

  “Dark chocolate cake,” he said, pulling off the foil. He grinned at me, his eyes dancing. “Your favorite from Letta’s bakery.”

  “Mmm.” I studied the luscious dessert in front of me. The scent of chocolate wafted through the air, rich and sinful. “I don’t know. I don’t think I can be trusted around dark chocolate cake.”

  “You?” he said, his grin turning teasing. “What about me? I don’t think getting an erection in a bakery is appropriate behavior.”

  “You did not.”

  “Trust me. There was some . . . adjusting going on.”

  I laughed and leaned in close, my lips inches from his. “Why didn’t we do this earlier? We wasted so much time. Not kissing. Not having sex. Not eating cake. Not doing anything fun together.”

  “I know. We should have gotten married with that plastic engagement ring back in seventh grade.”

  “Speaking of that, you should return the ring to me now that my battle’s over. The knight is triumphant and requires her favor back.”

  He hesitated, his fingertips drifting over my cheek. “I think I’m going to keep it.”

  “What? Why?” I said, mock indignant.

  “Because someday I want to give it back to you—for real.”

  My breath caught in my throat, and I knew I was blushing madly, but I didn’t care if he noticed. In fact, I wanted him to notice. “I’m always in favor of making a long-term plan. Any other plans in the works? What about grad school?”