Wrestling With Desire

by D. H. Starr

  "Yeah, that would be great." Derek sat up a bit straighter.

  " Wait a minute. I don't have any running clothes with me today." Derek felt his shoulders slump, then began laughing.

  Scott looked at him with a hint of concern. "You ok?

  Derek looked at Scott and saw the confusion on his face which only goaded him into laughing even harder. Scott, not knowing what to do, nervously joined him, giggling a little but not knowing why. "You know what? I didn't bring my running clothes to school either." What kind of an idiot devises a plan that they aren't even prepared to execute?

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  Wrestling With Desire

  by D.H. Starr

  Scott smiled and Derek wasn't sure if he was just being polite. When Scott spoke, Derek released a sigh; Scott's words were exactly what he had wanted to hear. "I don't live far from here. I could go home, get changed, and meet you back at the school if you're up for it."

  Scott wants to go running with me. The heaviness in his chest evaporated, but his heart rate actually increased at Scott's suggestion. "Yeah I'm up for it." His excitement was a bit too exaggerated. Calm down. "I don't live far from here either. School gets out at two-forty. How about we meet up at three-thirty in front of the school? I can show you one of my favorite running routes."

  "It's a d...plan." Scott briefly looked down, but then lifted his head so that he was looking Derek directly in the eyes.

  "You know, I'm glad you were in my first period class, Derek.

  You wrestle, you introduced me to one of your friends, and you are being really welcoming and cool. I appreciate it. I was actually pretty nervous about starting a new school as a senior, but this is turning out completely better than I could have hoped for."

  You're not kidding, Derek thought . "It's my pleasure. I sure wouldn't want to be a new guy in my senior year. I think you'll find most people here are pretty friendly and welcoming." Just then, history class began and Derek tried unsuccessfully to concentrate on what he was going to be learning this year. When the final bell rang, Derek and Scott walked to their lockers and firmed up their plans to meet in front of the school at three-thirty.

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  40

  Wrestling With Desire

  by D.H. Starr

  Chapter 3

  Pacing himself as he walked out of the building, Derek kept repeating one phrase over and over. Stay cool. Stay cool. The last thing he wanted was to draw attention to himself on the first day of school. But as soon as he hit the parking lot, he ran to his car. Thoughts of Scott crowded his mind as he sped the short five minutes to his home. Once there, his pace became slow and purposeful. Scanning his drawer, he struggled over what to wear. There were his black, spandex shorts, but those wouldn't do for this run with Scott. Too revealing. There were cargo shorts. They were casual, but way too bulky for a run. Settling on a pair of nylon Adidas shorts and a new, crisp white t-shirt, his deliberateness shifted back to haste and he got dressed quickly. Before leaving his room, he checked himself out in the mirror on his closet door. Nice. You get a hint of ass. My legs look strong.

  The shirt hugs me in all the right places. Excellent.

  Running back down the stairs, his thoughts centered around Scott once again. How will he look in his running clothes? Will he even show up? Will he think I look hot in this outfit? Derek was just about out the door when he was stopped short by his mother calling for him from the kitchen.

  She was standing by the oven, cutting up onions, carrots, and celery. "Hey honey," she said without turning her attention from her food preparation. "How was your first day of school?"

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  Derek trudged back up the stairs and walked into the kitchen. "It was fine. Classes seem pretty straight-forward.

  Beck was in rare form today." Although the words were coming out of his mouth, he wasn't paying any attention. All he could focus on was the clock. The minute hand seemed to speeding towards three-thirty.

  His mother turned to face him, a hint of a grin on her face.

  "Really? And what seems to be the drama of the day?" As soon as she looked at Derek, her tone shifted from curiosity to surprise. "Oh, are you going out for a run?"

  "Yeah, I was talking with the guys on the team today and figured I may as well start training to get in shape now."

  Derek glanced at the clock once again and felt the muscle in his eye spasm for a few seconds. "Also, there was this new kid who started today. He's from Iowa. I feel pretty bad that he had to transfer in his senior year and all." Derek felt his stomach lurch as he listened to the words come out of his mouth. It was unlike him to take even the slightest chance of revealing his sexuality to anyone. Anyone except for Beck.

  Thank God for her. Watching his mother carefully for any signs of concern or suspicion, he continued with as casual a tone as he could muster. "Turns out he wrestles, so I asked him if he wanted to go for a run with me."

  "That was very nice of you, sweetie. Not that it surprises me much. You are always such a good friend to others." She turned back to her chopping. "I'm preparing a pot roast for dinner tonight. Dad will be home around five-thirty so don't take one of your extra-long runs today."

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  Whatever worry Derek had that his mother would be able to see through him evaporated. She was so trusting, always taking Derek at face value. "Sure thing mom." Walking out to the car, Derek felt a slight pang of guilt. He felt like he had just lied to his mother. Shaking his head, he laughed out loud, talking quietly to himself. "And what exactly did I lie about? That I met a guy who I think is cute and I'm hoping he will like me back?" As cavalier as he tried to sound, Derek knew what the lie really was. But he wasn't ready for that discussion yet. Later. When he knew himself better. When he knew if Scott was someone who could return his feelings.

  When there was actually something to tell. But he couldn't talk to his parents yet.

  Once in the car, he dug his cell out of his bag and hit the speed-dial for Beck. She picked up on the second ring. "You better have a damn good reason for taking off today without so much as a wave."

  His typical reaction of annoyance and humor at Beck's dramatic behavior did not kick in. This was what he was used to and the familiarity of their banter eased his nerves. "Sorry Beck, but I had to get home. I asked Scott to go for that run and he's meeting me at school in 20 minutes."

  "And you couldn't tell me this at school, why?" Her voice dripped with sarcasm.

  "Come on, Beck. Don't give me shit right now while I'm all excited and nervous. You know I still love you more than anyone." He counted silently in his head. One, two, three, four...

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  "Well, I'm still mad at you." It only took a four count. She isn't really mad at all. "I guess I can forgive you this once.

  But don't leave me hanging in the lurch again or I will cut your balls off and hang them as ornaments on my Christmas tree. Wait, I'm Jewish so I don't have a Christmas tree. I'll hang them from...I'll burn them in my menorah."

  "Ok, first of all, EW! That is totally disgusting. And second of all, that's the second time today you have mentioned manhandling my balls. Is there something I should know about that you aren't telling me?"

  "Honestly Derek, the things you say to a lady." Derek had to choke back his laughter when he heard the sincerity of Beck's outrage. "Anyhow, you won't believe what happened after you left today. Bryce and George came up to me as I was leaving school and starting bitching about what a total pain in their asses Malinda was at lunch and that it was all they could do to stay seated and not walk away from the table. That new boy of yours sure slammed that nail on the head."

  "And now you are talking about boy's slamming and nailing things. You are seriously twisted Beck." Derek didn't bother to hold his laughter back this tim
e, but even so, he could still hear the string of curses Beck was shouting at him as he started the ignition. Beck continued to prattle on about Bryce and George, and Derek listened to the sound of her voice without really hearing her words. When he got to the school parking lot he cut her off. "Beck. I gotta run! I'll see you tomorrow in school. Love you."

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  Wrestling With Desire

  by D.H. Starr

  Derek headed towards the front of the school and saw that Scott was already there. He felt all of the nerves and excitement from the day flow through him at once and had to concentrate to suppress the smile that was struggling to break out across his face. When he got close enough to get a good look at Scott, he had to struggle to keep other things from becoming noticeable as well.

  Scott was wearing mid-thigh, blue nylon running shorts and a tank-top. Derek noted immediately that Scott's arms and upper body had excellent muscle definition. His shoulders were wide set with rounded muscles which gently curved down over his shoulder blades and created a ridge where they met his biceps. The tank was form-fitting and revealed the strong v-shape of his lateral muscles as they slanted down and inwards towards his hips. His stomach was flat, but there were ridges pushing at the fabric indicating a clearly defined six-pack beneath the surface of the fabric. Well, I guess that answers the question about whether he has a smooth or cut abdomen. His thigh muscles were solid and undulated as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other as he stretched.

  Derek realized that he was staring and quickly diverted his attention to Scott's face. That didn't help him to calm down since he was immediately greeted by Scott's dazzling sea-blue eyes and his wavy, unkempt blonde hair which hung messily over his forehead. Sexy. Everything about Scott flowed smoothly. His body had a natural line that drew your eye in and held it like a magnet.

  Finally, Derek remembered how to speak. "How long have you been here?"

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  Scott shrugged. "Not long, I just swung by my house, grabbed my stuff and came back. No one was home so there wasn't anything to do so I just came back here to wait."

  Scott's tone didn't match the comfort and confidence that he exuded physically. There was something in his body language which suggested that something was bothering him.

  Derek watched Scott as he continued to stretch. He was limber, able to bend his entire body so that it lay snugly against his legs. Looking down at him, Derek could see the muscles of Scott's upper back as they flowed into the cut of his shoulder blades. His eyes continued to travel up Scott's body, following the cords of lean muscles in his neck and his perfectly square jaw. Scott was physical perfection. But there was something dark about Scott as well. He was quiet. His words were weighted, as if he had to work to push a pleasant tone out of his mouth. Thinking about it, Devon realized he had been like that all day, his voice sounding pleasant, but undertones of something else going on under the surface.

  Funny, I didn't notice that during the day.

  Shaking his head, Derek mentally slapped himself. It was Scott's first day in a new school. All of his friends were back in Iowa and here he was starting over. Of course he wasn't going to be in the best mood. Derek shook his head and decided to talk about their run. "So there are several routes we could run. Generally speaking, each bridge along the river is about three-quarters of a mile if you count it as a round trip." Talking about running, distances, routines, this was a safe topic of conversation and Derek felt his nerves ease. "I like to run three bridges, one bridge west of the school and 46

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  then two bridges east of the school. It's about two and a half miles and there's great scenery." Scott had been listening to Derek quietly and seemed content to follow his lead, so they finished stretching and began their run.

  Pacing his breathing, Derek started out slow, counting to four on his inhale and to three on his exhale. The rhythmic pattern of his breathing, his feet patting the ground, the wind blowing gently against his face and exposed skin, all of it helped to center him. Within minutes, Derek felt warmth rush through his body. Not heat like he had felt when looking at Scott, but a calming warmth like when he took a shower, and his mind began to see clearly once again.

  They ran quietly for about five minutes before Scott broke the silence. "You were right. This really is scenic. We don't have a lot of water where I lived in Iowa. It's weird to be surrounded by so much of it here." Derek noticed that there was a nostalgic tone to Scott's voice in addition to his slightly subdued body language and distant eyes.

  "Seeing the sun reflect off the water and listening to the boats and the waves relaxes me. It helps me let my mind wander and to forget my problems." Derek was shocked at how much he was revealing about himself. At the same time, he wondered whether opening up about his feelings might prompt Scott to do the same. "But living by water also makes the winters really cold. With so much open space, there's nothing to block the wind. Even when the temperature isn't too cold, the wind chill can make it feel fifteen or twenty degrees colder. It can get pretty bad in the winter."

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  Wrestling With Desire

  by D.H. Starr

  A light began to flicker behind Scott's eyes. He picked up the pace a bit before he began talking again. "Back in Iowa, I liked to run down long roads along the wheat and corn fields.

  After a while, I lost track of how far I had gone or how long I had been running. It's kind of the same as what you described in terms of the lulling sensation. In the absence of knowing exactly where you are, you can focus on other things."

  Derek examined the mixture of emotions that were playing out inside his head. On the one hand, he could sense the sadness that lingered behind Scott's words and body language. Especially when he talked about his family or his home in Iowa. On the other hand, Scott was so free and open with his feelings. There was no hesitation or awkwardness as he spoke about the fact that he enjoyed the time to just think. Derek decided to chance asking about his mood. "Has anyone ever told you that you seem to be both upbeat and slightly down at the same time?"

  Scott's lips thinned into a tight line and Derek felt his gut clench. Mentally kicking himself in the ass, he waited until Scott responded, expecting him to start running in the other direction or worse, not to respond at all.

  Finally, the tension in Scott's face eased as if he had made up his mind about something and he seemed more relaxed than he had all day. "No. No one has actually said that to me.

  But that doesn't mean it's not true. It just means that nobody has paid enough attention to notice."

  Watching Scott through his peripheral vision, Derek saw that a smile was creeping across his face. It was a sly half 48

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  smile and Derek had to concentrate to keep from tripping over his own feet. Scott was like a pendulum, his mood swinging this way then that way. It was enough to cause Derek to feel dizzy.

  After a few more minutes of silent running, Scott slowed the pace a little. "You know. That was pretty brave of you."

  Not knowing what Scott was referring to Derek simply smiled.

  "You know, coming right out and saying that to me? I know I can be moody, but no one seems to say anything to me about it. Sometimes I feel completely alone; like no one knows who I am or really cares."

  The words sank into Derek's mind slowly. He had no idea what it felt like to feel alone. Always surrounded by friends, always popular, always having the support of his parents. It became very clear that Scott had experienced things that Derek knew nothing about. Not knowing what to say, he simply spurted the first question that came to his mind. "So, what are your parents like?"

  The silence that followed was thick. Derek wished he could take back the question; go back to some lighter topic of conversation. When Scott spoke, his voice sounded tired, almost resigned. "My dad is away a lot.
He manages several stores across a wide regional area. In fact, he's up in New Hampshire right now meeting with the regional HR reps for Target. He won't be home until the weekend. Mom works for an insurance company and keeps a nine to five schedule. She doesn't need to work, but she likes to. She wanted to take some time off so that she could be home for me, knowing I wouldn't have my regular distraction of friends, but I told her 49

  Wrestling With Desire

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  that was silly and that I could take care of myself. I knew she wouldn't be happy if she didn't have something to occupy her time, especially since Dad is away so much."

  "Wow, you're very understanding of your parents aren't you? I'd probably be throwing a tantrum and making my parents feel all sorts of guilt if they made me move." Hearing his words as they came out of his mouth, Derek winced. In comparison to Scott, he seemed like a brat. He did his best to recover. "But, my parents have always been pretty cool, so I guess I would get over it pretty quickly."

  Scott smiled. "Oh, don't think I haven't given my parents plenty of shit over moving. I just did most of it before the move. Now that we're here, there's not much I can do, and there's no point to making all of our lives miserable over something that can't be changed."

  "Again, very understanding of you." Admiration intensified within Derek as he listened to Scott, but he could also sense a different feeling along with the admiration. It darted about like a butterfly and Derek couldn't quite grasp what the other feeling was. One thing he knew, Scott was unlike anyone he had ever met before. He was able to look at things in a practical way. He was able to put his parents' needs before his own. And, Derek realized, he wants to spend time with me. The realization filled his lungs with fresh air. It filled his mind with images of the two of them together. It filled his heart with longing and desire. Pride. That was the other feeling he felt along with admiration. Derek felt proud to be someone that Scott wanted to spend time with.