Wrestling With Desire

by D. H. Starr

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  Wrestling With Desire

  by D.H. Starr

  Even though he was still kicking himself for asking about Scott's parents, it did seem that Scott really cared about his mom. Maybe that was a safer topic to ask about. "Sounds like you really care for your mom a lot. You know, worrying that she would be unhappy even when she wanted to put things on hold to be there for you."

  Scott's mood shifted immediately, his eyes brightening, and Derek felt his own mood lift with Scott's. "She is one of a kind. Although she works one of the world's most boring jobs, she would tell you that herself by the way, my mom is really quite an interesting person. She is an avid reader, loves crossword puzzles, and we play the meanest game of Scrabble you have ever seen."

  Derek laughed at this admission and, after a moment, Scott joined him. Over the course of the run, Scott had shifted. At the beginning, he had been guarded, reserved.

  Now he was babbling on about crossword puzzles and Scrabble. "What about your dad?"

  Scott's body language resumed the subdued manner it had at the beginning of their run. "He works really hard and takes great pride in providing for our family. I think it bothers him that he has to be away from us so much and I know he doesn't like the fact that his job causes us to move around. I don't really know him as well as I know my mom."

  They picked up their pace a little and Derek focused on adjusting his breathing. A whirlwind of thoughts and feelings were spinning inside his head and the run wasn't helping him to sort through them. One thing he knew, without question.

  He knew it down to the tips of his fingers and toes. He 51

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  wanted to get to know Scott better. Scott was complex, he was emotional, and he was worth knowing.

  After a while Scott broke the silence, his mood brighter than it had been moments earlier. "So, aside from wrestling and running, what other things do you get into?"

  When Derek turned his head to look at Scott, he stumbled and almost fell. Scott had a sheen of sweat forming on his forehead and a few rivulets were dripping down his temples and his cheeks. His arms and upper chest were also covered in a thin layer of wetness that captured the sun and reflected brightly off him. Every ridge and bulge of muscle was caught perfectly in the light, casting shadows which only helped to accentuate the lithe form running next to him. It took him a moment before he was able to form words.

  Finally, after what felt like an embarrassingly long pause, his brain kicked in. "Well, I love to read, particularly science fiction. But I'd have to say that my favorite thing is listening to and mixing music. I love all music except for country and rap, and even that is beginning to grow on me now."

  Scott turned his head towards Derek. "What are you listening to right now in your stereo?"

  Once again, the question caught Derek off guard. But this time it wasn't because he was ogling Scott. It was that he was impressed with the question. Most people would just nod or not even pay attention to someone talking about their interest in music. Not Scott. He wanted to know what he was listening to right now in his stereo. Derek cut off his thinking abruptly, realizing that once again, there had been an extended pause before he answered. "Um, last night I went to 52

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  bed listening to John Mayer's Continuum. I love musicians with a sort of folk rock feel to their music. You know, like Howie Day or Gavin Degraw..."

  Scott's face lit up. "Or Guster. Or Counting Crows."

  Derek's head snapped towards Scott who had a wide grin on his face and was looking back at him. "Exactly like them.

  Third Eye Blind. Five For Fighting..."

  Scott continued the list. "Maroon 5. Dishwalla."

  "Wait! You know Dishwalla? I've never met anyone who knows Dishwalla. They're one of those bands who are awesome, but nobody's ever heard of them. I'm seriously impressed with your knowledge base. It sounds like we have the same taste in music." Derek felt a warm tingle run up and down his body at the realization. Most of his friends were into thumpa-thumpa dance music or harder rock bands.

  "So you said you like to mix music as well? What kinds of stuff do you mix?" Scott had picked up the pace. Derek's speech was interrupted by slightly labored breathing. "Hold on, the Foot Bridge is coming up. We need to cross over the bridge so that we can head back for the final stretch of the run."

  "Why do they call it a Foot Bridge?" Scott asked.

  "Because most of the bridges along the Charles allow cars to drive on them to cross the river, but this one is purely a pedestrian bridge. Thus its name, The Foot Bridge."

  "Straightforward enough." They crossed the bridge and fell into sync, running on the sidewalk along Memorial Drive heading west back toward the school. "So, what kind of stuff do you mix?"

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  "I usually mix dance stuff for parties." Derek's father had carved out a space for him a few years back so that he could set up his mixing equipment and music. He had said it was to show support for Derek's passions, but Derek knew that his father was sick of listening to the noise from down the hall.

  Whatever the reason, Derek loved the attic and spent most of his time there when he was home. "I try to keep a low profile most of the time. You know, at school I don't like to be noticed. But when I mix it's different. I don't mind the attention then." His chest swelled thinking about his mixing and he began to run faster without realizing it.

  Scott kept up easily, matching Derek stride for stride. After a while he turned his head and looked at Derek with interest.

  Derek was still lost in thought, so when he turned and saw Scott looking at him, it caught him off guard. "What is it?"

  "Nothing really," Scott said, "Just, you said you don't like to draw attention to yourself. Why is that?"

  Derek was glad that they were running because he was sure that if he had been rested the rush of red that flowed into his cheeks would have been obvious. It wasn't like him to just say revealing things about himself, especially things like that. "Uh, well, I don't really know exactly. I've always kind of been like that. Having a friend like Beck sort of necessitates having a back-seat personality. But more than that, I've noticed that kids who try to be popular end up abusing their popularity or alienating themselves. I figure that as long as I am doing things I like to do and I'm doing them with people I like, that's good enough for me." It was a decent response, and the truth. What surprised Derek was how enjoyable it felt 54

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  to talk so freely with Scott. He had known him for less than a day, yet telling him about the things that mattered most to him, about his thoughts and feelings, seemed natural and easy. "It's helped to prevent me from becoming the center of the gossip mill at school. Does that make any sense?"

  "It makes perfect sense. You have to know yourself pretty well to be confident enough to actively try not to be noticed."

  The way Scott said it, the clear admiration and respect in his voice, sent a shiver up Derek's spine. The pride he had identified earlier surged up and filled him to the point of bursting. It was a fleeting sensation and was quickly replaced by another feeling he had experienced earlier. Guilt. He felt like he was lying.

  Derek knew that he wasn't nearly as comfortable with himself as Scott seemed to think. Only Beck knew the real reason he kept his personal life personal. With Scott sharing such personal information, Derek felt even worse knowing that he was keeping things to himself. He started pumping his arms faster and picked up the pace. Scott kept up, but they both ran in silence, focusing on finishing the run and their breathing.

  Derek felt like scrubbing his brain with soap, cleansing it of the thoughts rushing at him all at once. His gut was telling him to be honest with Scott, to just tell him that he was gay and see how he reacted. His head was telling him to keep doing what he alw
ays did, which was to keep a low profile.

  Keep the secret at all costs. His heart was telling him that he couldn't keep the secret for much longer. He was ready to find someone to share something more with. More than what 55

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  he was able to share with Beck. He loved her, but it wasn't the kind of love he dreamed about at night. It wasn't in-love love.

  As they reached the final bridge of their run, Derek picked up the pace even more. With each step, tension drained out of him. His focus narrowed to only his body and his breathing.

  This was why he loved running. Not just to get in shape, but to clear his head. To calm his typically overactive mind.

  Running just short of a sprint for the last few hundred yards, they both collapsed on the grass by the bridge across the street from their school.

  Gasping to take air into his lungs, Derek stared up at the sky. Once he had caught his breath and his heart stopped racing, he sat up and started stretching his tired and burning leg muscles. Scott did the same. They were facing each other as they stretched and looked up at the same time. Derek first noticed the pulsing of Scott's heartbeat along the length of his now dripping neck. Watching Scott's neck thrum sent Derek's blood rapidly rushing south. There was something incredibly sexy about looking at Scott, shiny with sweat and spent from exertion. Then, without knowing how it happened, they locked gazes and he found himself staring into those blue-green eyes. Scott's look was penetrating, searing, and...something else. His focus was centered directly on Derek and there was no hint of uncertainty or discomfort.

  Suddenly, Derek saw the quality he hadn't been able to place.

  It was desire, wrestling beneath the surface, but clearly there. There was something in those eyes that let Derek know that Scott wanted something more from him than casual 56

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  friendship. What that was, Derek wasn't sure, but he was determined to find out. Scott was someone he wanted to get to know better.

  As suddenly as their eyes locked, they faltered and separated. Scott jumped up and offered Derek his hand, helping him to his feet. As connected as they had been just seconds earlier, now Derek felt a distance between them, as if Scott had put up a wall. "Thanks for the run. I'll see you tomorrow in school." And with no further comment, he turned and started jogging home.

  "Sounds good," Derek said to his retreating back. Derek put his hands on his knees and tried to calm the rising adrenaline he felt coursing through his veins. What was that?

  I swear if we held that stare for another minute I would have jumped him right here. He stood up, still winded, but feeling more stable on his feet.

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  57

  Wrestling With Desire

  by D.H. Starr

  Chapter 4

  Dinner was a blur as Derek responded mindlessly to his parents questions about school. His thoughts were focused on Scott. The whole day had actually turned out completely different than he had expected it to. Wrestling was the only thing that had caused him to feel the charge of excitement and nervousness that he had felt all day. But that was because he loved wrestling. He cared about it more than anything else. When he got on the mat, he felt like he was stepping into a world designed just for him. And when the season ended, he felt a sense of loss. Just like I did when I wasn't around Scott today.

  A piece of the puzzle clicked into place inside Derek's head and he suddenly needed to be alone. Excusing himself, he went to his room and turned on his stereo, playing Gavin DeGraw's Chariot, the acoustic version. The combination of the vocals and the guitar penetrated Derek's whirring thoughts and slowly eased his mind. As his tension began to subside, he fell back onto his bed. The same phrase was repeating itself in his head and he had to fight to cut himself off before finishing it. The only thing I have loved, that has made me feel like this, is wrestling. But now...

  He wouldn't allow himself to finish the thought. Heat rushed up and down his spine, and he wasn't sure whether it was caused by nerves or excitement. He had spent years protecting himself from getting hurt. He had become an expert at blending into the background, keeping secrets, and 58

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  not being noticed. He had come to depend on his guard, but now it was crumbling before his eyes. Scott was breaking past every barrier he had ever built as if passing through air.

  And Derek wasn't trying to prevent it. Digging deep, Derek had to admit that he wanted Scott to succeed.

  It was too much. Rather than continuing to think, he allowed the music and Gavin's voice to override any other thoughts. Thinking, admitting things to himself, it was all too scary. Music was a constant that he could count on. As he lay in bed, Gavin sang to him, lulling him, until at some point, he drifted to sleep.

  It was dark and he was walking along the Charles River.

  Arriving at the Foot Bridge, he decided to stand and watch the moon reflect and dance over the soft movement of the water.

  The night was dark and warm and he was alone. Looking around he realized how still the evening was and that none of the street lamps were lit. The only light was coming from the nearly full moon, careening off the water's surface. He looked over the edge of the bridge and could see his shadow reflected on the water and illuminated by the moonlight.

  "Derek." The sound was airy, almost sounding like the blowing of a breeze. "Derek." It was a bit stronger this time.

  He turned and was facing Scott. Although he was initially startled, his nerves immediately subsided and a feeling of warmth and calm overtook him as he stared into piercing blue-green eyes. "What are you doing here?"

  Scott took a step closer to him so that they were standing with their faces almost touching. "Derek" he said, his breath brushing against Derek's cheek, causing the hairs on his neck 59

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  to rise. Scott reached his hand up and cupped Derek's cheek, gently curving his fingers around the back of his head.

  Derek closed his eyes and took in a deep breath through his nose. "Mmm, you smell so good." He felt Scott's other hand, warm and strong, caress his neck as Scott's thumb gently brushed across his lips. Derek leaned into Scott, allowing himself to press against Scott's chest and tilting his head up so that their mouths were merely inches apart. Scott pulled Derek closer and soft lips brushed against his own.

  Their lips remained connected for sweet, sensual seconds and then Derek felt Scott pull him closer and the kiss became intense. Scott opened his mouth, inviting Derek to lose himself in his scent and touch. Derek explored his mouth with his tongue, basking in the silky, delicious warmth. Scott's desire became more urgent as he pressed his mouth hungrily onto Derek's, wrapping his arms around Derek's shoulders and waist, squeezing him tightly against his muscled body.

  Derek submitted completely, resting his hands on Scott's hips and surrendering himself to Scott's commanding desire and the secure, powerful feel of his strong embrace.

  Derek woke up with a start, sweat beading his neck and forehead. Getting out of bed, he felt something wet and sticky in his boxer briefs. Holy crap! I haven't had a wet dream in...I don't even remember the last time. He glanced at the clock which read 5:45. Knowing he would never fall back to sleep and shaken from the intensity of his dream, Derek decided to take a long shower before going to school.

  As the water washed over him, he remembered the rushing water of the Charles from his dream; Scott's hands, 60

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  his lips, his mouth, their kiss. Looking down, Derek was surprised to find that his hand was gripping his member which was quickly filling out and expanding. Leaning against the shower wall, he allowed his mind to replay the dream over and over as he increased the pressure of his hand on his dick.

  He pictured Scott lowering his head to h
is neck and gently nibbling at the sensitive skin, grazing it lightly with a hint of stubble. First, Derek thought it, then could actually feel it, the ticklish sensation sending shivers through his body. He imagined Scott lifting his head and nuzzling Derek's ear. I want you so bad. The combination of the hot water pouring over his body and the image of Scott whispering his name, pulling him into a sweet, lingering kiss, made the work short and easy. A few more strokes and his member throbbed in orgasm, sending waves of pleasure pulsing throughout his body.

  Before leaving for school, he grabbed his shorts, shirt, and running shoes and stuffed them into his bag. Maybe Scott will want to go for a run again today. Derek felt a rush of excitement at the thought, but the thrill also frightened him.

  He had to figure out how to control his feelings until he knew more about Scott. Until he knew whether or not Scott could possibly return his feelings.

  Derek had to admit that it was highly unlikely that all of a sudden, out of the blue, this perfect, gorgeous, friendly, wrestling, Adonis would materialize to sweep him off his feet in his senior year. A voice whispered in the back of Derek's mind. Fuck being reasonable. Derek felt himself agreeing with 61

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  the voice, and then smacked himself. He had to be reasonable. He had too much to lose. The voice called out again. You have too much to lose if you don't give it a chance. Derek had to admit, the voice made a good point. But he still wanted some form of security. Something that would help him keep his nerves and his self-control intact.

  He decided to introduce Scott to the guys on the team at lunch. Watching people in groups was his strong point, his comfort zone. He could spend time with Scott and figure out whether he was someone he could open up to, but he would also have the safety of numbers to control his tendency to babble when around him. Nodding his head, Derek approved of the plan and his nerves settled as he drove into the school parking lot.