Hidden Carmina

by Adri Sinclair

  Jackie looks incredulous, clearly not believing Maria’s report. There is a gentle push and I turn my mind to Maria, allowing her in. She shows the Morettis and I where she found the disk. I swallow hard as the cheers around me erupt. Jackie snarls at me and marches off.

  “Well done,” Maria offers in a kind, earnest manner

  “Thank you, very much. I’m so sorry…” I apologize, feeling she had to go so far to get the disk.

  “She is kind, she apologizes for winning! I can be friends with this one!” Maria laughs and I feel relieved for the umpteenth time today.

  I ignore the vicious current flowing just outside the energy around me, and walk over to Liam.

  “Ah, my Rockflower… I believe we are partnered.”

  “I believe we are,” I smile happily when Liam takes my wrist and kisses my pulse.

  “Let’s play before we lose the light!” Joseph shouts from a short distance away.

  “Game on! Best out of 25 wins!”

  The game was vigorous, long and energetic. I had to stop several times to catch my breath and drink water, enduring various jokes, teasing and clipped remarks. I became so caught up in the whole game that I did not stop for a moment to process or question what was going on. For once I fitted in, I held my own and it felt good!

  When the game was over, Liam and John hoist Maria and I onto their shoulders and race us across the full length of the river in both directions, with the rest of the group in tow. Our team won. Not by far, but we won. Lady E invites us all to the gazebo where the picnic was still practically untouched.

  “Carmina, sweetheart, you must eat a little bit before we head out, and fill up your water bottle. I suspect you are going to be ever so sore in the morning.”

  Nodding at the instructions, I sit down, leaning over to see inside the basket and grin when I notice the familiar red lid. Lady E rolls her eyes and says, “Margarith was not exaggerating. You will eat nothing else if we don’t force you.”

  “At least this time I share?” I make light of the whole thing. Uncle Will and Joseph roar with laughter while Maria and Jackie both look to see what I found.

  “Oh yes… yes, I remember your love for this. We were all surprised… but didn’t leave hungry, you left us a little!” Joseph hits his belly as he laughs. Of course, everyone joins in except for me. My mouth already stuffed and there is no way I can even try to respond. Joseph and John are taking utter delight in my chagrin when Maria asks shocked, “She eats that? You eat that?”

  “Since she was a baby,” Lady E answers for me, “And never hunted in her life.”

  The flush deepens. I know I am spoiled and I feel ever so guilty over it.

  Jackie found another opportunity to slide over to Liam and get under my skin.

  “Speaking of hunting… I am starving. You must be too…”

  I roll my eyes and offer her the liver with a big smile. “Lady E prepares them herself, they are so good! Not warm, but beggars can’t be choosers.”

  Jackie scowls but takes the dish from me and I pull a tongue at Liam making kissy faces as I turn away. Lady E and Maria turn their heads and laugh behind their hands and Liam narrows his eyes at me with a warning I choose to ignore.

  We eat, chat and an invite to visit later, everyone is saying their goodbyes. The sun is not set yet but the cold is creeping up. The trip home took considerably less time than in the morning and without having a bath, or change of clothing, I fall down in exhaustion in Liam’s arms and go to sleep.

  Suffering Life

  Lady E was right. My body is as stiff as an ironing board and twice as expressive about it. It takes more or less a week for me to recover and not sound like a zombie from some long-forgotten scary movie whenever I move. The cure against the ache is warm baths and working out the soreness with exercise. I fall into a routine easily and feel a lot better for it. Having little spare time, I spend it reading. I have always loved myth and mythology books and, thankfully, there are plenty of those around. Winter is also coming to a close but for now the fire is still burning at night when we both take time out to unwind with a book.

  Vampire Bible & The Scriptures of Delphi: Origins of the Vampire

  “Ambrogio was a young adventurer. Born and raised in Italy, he had always longed to travel to Greece to have his fortune told by the Oracle of Delphi. When he was an adult, he got on a boat and sailed to the western edge of Greece, near Astakos. He traveled east until he eventually reached the city of Delphi.

  Delphi was home to a great temple of Apollo, the Sun God. It was also the home of the Pythia, better known as the Oracles. The Pythia would sit in a chamber within the temple and speak of prophecies, inspired by Apollo, to those who came to seek the Oracle's wisdom.

  When Ambrogio finally arrived at the temple, he went to speak to the Pythia. The Pythia, whose words were often cryptic, said only a few words: "The curse. The moon. The blood will run."

  He couldn't sleep that night. He stayed awake outside of the temple, pondering the meaning of the Pythia's words. As the sun rose in the morning he realized that he had not slept. As he walked back toward the town he saw a beautiful woman dressed in white robes walking to the temple. He ran over to her and introduced himself. Her name was Selene, and she was a maiden of the temple. Her sister was the Oracle, and so Selene tended to the temple and took care of her sister while in her entranced state.

  For the next few days every morning Ambrogio met Selene at dawn before she entered the temple. They soon fell in love.

  On his last day in Greece, Ambrogio asked Selene to marry him and return with him to Italy. She agreed. He said he would make the preparations then meet her at dawn the next morning at their meeting spot outside the temple.

  Apollo, the sun god, had been watching. He, himself, had taken a liking to the beautiful Selene and was enraged that Ambrogio would come to his temple and take one of his maidens away. At sunset that night, Apollo appeared to Ambrogio and cursed him so that from that day forth a mere touch of Apollo's sunlight would burn Ambrogio's skin.

  Ambrogio was distraught. He was set to leave with Selene in the morning, but he would not be able to meet her at sunrise as he promised because of the curse. Having nowhere else to turn, he ran to a cave that led to Hades for protection. Hades, god of the underworld, listened to his tale and made him a deal - if he could steal the sliver bow of Artemis and bring it back, Hades would grant him and Selene protection in the underworld. The deal specified that Hades would give Ambrogio a magical wooden bow and 11 arrows to hunt with. He was to offer his hunting trophies to Artemis in order to gain her favor and steal her silver bow. As collateral, Ambrogio had to leave his soul in Hades until he returned with the bow. Should he return without the silver bow, he would have to live in Hades forever, never to return to Selene. Having no other choice, Ambrogio agreed.

  He had no way to contact Selene. He had parchments, but no writing implement, so he took his bow and arrow and killed a swan. Using its feather as a pen, and its blood as the ink, he wrote her a note explaining that he could not meet with her but would find a way for them to be together. He left the note in their meeting place and ran off to find a place to hide from the sunlight.

  Naturally, Selene was devastated when she found the note, but she kept working at the temple, as she did not want to anger Apollo any further. The next morning, Selene went back to the meeting place, but once again Ambrogio was not there. She saw another piece of parchment with writing in blood on it. It was a love poem from Ambrogio.

  Before morning for 44 days Ambrogio slew a swan and used its blood to write Selene a love poem. After draining the blood and taking a single feather he offered the body of the swan as a tribute to Artemis, the goddess of hunting and the moon, and also sister to Apollo. He hoped that even if he could not steal her bow, she would be honored by the tribute and would be able to convince her brother Apollo to remove the curse. On the 45th night, Ambrogio had only one arrow left. He shot it at a swan and missed, the arrow saili
ng into the distance. He had neither the blood to write Selene's poem nor the swan to sacrifice to Artemis. He fell to the ground and wept.

  Seeing how good of a hunter and how dedicated of a follower Ambrogio had been, Artemis came down to him. He begged Artemis to let him borrow her bow and an arrow so he could kill one last bird and leave one final note to Selene.

  Artemis took pity on him and agreed to let him borrow her silver bow and an arrow. He took the bow, and in desperation, ran to the cave that led to Hades. Artemis realized what was happening and cast her own curse on him. The curse caused all silver burn his skin. Ambrogio dropped the silver bow and fell to the ground in pain.

  Artemis was furious at his deceit, but he begged her for forgiveness. He explained the deal he was forced to make with Hades, his curse by Apollo, and his love for Selene. He apologized profusely and swore that he had no other choice.

  Artemis took pity on him again and decided to give him one last chance. She offered to make him a great hunter, almost as great as she was, with the speed and strength of a god and fangs with which to drain the blood of the beasts to write his poems. In exchange for this immortality, he would have to agree to a deal. He and Selene would have to escape Apollo's temple and worship only Artemis forever. The catch was that Artemis was a virgin goddess, and all of her followers had to remain chaste and unmarried, so Ambrogio was never allowed to touch Selene again. They could never kiss, never touch, never have children.

  Ambrogio agreed. At least this way he and Selene could be together. He killed another swan and left Selene a note telling her to meet him on a ship at the docks. Before dawn the next morning, she saw the note and ran away before Apollo could notice.

  When Selene arrived at the dock she found Ambrogio's ship and met him down in the hull. There was a wooden coffin with a note on it, telling her to order the ship's captain to set sail, and to open the coffin only after the sun had set. She did as the note said, and after sunset she opened the coffin to find Ambrogio alive and well.

  The couple sailed to Ephesus, where they lived in a cave during the day and worshiped Artemis at her grand temple every night. They lived happily together for many years, never touching, never kissing, never having children.

  After a number of years, Ambrogio's immortality allowed him to stay young, but Selene continued to age as a mortal. She finally fell ill and was on her deathbed. Ambrogio was distraught, knowing that he would not join Selene in the afterlife because his soul still resided in Hades. At night, he went into the woods and found a white swan swimming alone in a small lake. He killed the swan and offered it to Artemis, begging for her to make Selene immortal so they could stay together forever.

  Artemis appeared to him. Thankful for his years of dedication and worship, she made him one last deal. Artemis told Ambrogio that he could touch Selene just once - to drink her blood. Doing so would kill her mortal body, but from then on, her blood mixed with his could create eternal life for any who drink of it. If he did this, Artemis would see to it that they stayed together forever. Ambrogio wanted to refuse, but after telling Selene what happened, Selene begged him to do it. After much convincing, he bit her neck and took her blood into his body. As he set her limp body down, Selene began to radiate with light, and rise up to the sky. Ambrogio watched as Selene's glowing spirit lifted to meet Artemis at the moon. When she arrived, the moon lit up with a brilliant light.

  Selene became the goddess of moonlight, and every night she would reach down with her rays of light to the earth and finally touch her beloved Ambrogio as well as all of their children - the newly created vampires who carried the blood of Ambrogio and Selene, together.”

  After reading the story, I drop the book on my chest and stare at the ceiling.

  “Suffering life,” I mummer to myself.

  “What?”

  “Oh, nothing… I just read the story of Ambrogio, it is such a powerful love story and so sad.”

  This grabs Liam’s attention and I hear the musing in his voice when he speaks. “Carmina… in your dreams, you always say you’re not afraid of death, you’re afraid of suffering life. What does that mean?”

  He does not turn to me but I can hear the controlled chords in his voice. I roll my head to one side looking at his back, trying to think about the answers that are obscure in my head.

  “Well… I have not thought about it. Knowing what I know now, I think… maybe you’re suffering life. Ambrogio did for sure. You are living, but not alive. Constantly in pain because of … what you are, what you want and being tortured because of it. I don’t want that. I think death is a merciful relief when you suffer pain. Having to live with it…” I falter, not knowing exactly how to express this deep-seated fear that has always haunted me. I don’t even know why it scares me as much.

  “So… you would not want to be… like us?” He asks. He is frozen in place, not even the slightest movement from him at all.

  “No.” I answer honestly. “I cannot begin to imagine what it is like for you Liam… but you are always in pain. You are always suffering and being tortured; all of you. How… How can I choose that for myself?”

  “I see.” He drops his head down and continues writing. I am not sure what he thought he saw but I know I’ve given an answer different to what he hoped for.

  “I’m sorry, Liam.”

  He appears right at the bedside and takes my hands in his.

  “Why? Why are you sorry, Carmina?” he searches my face and I can taste the desperation in the air.

  “For being part of that suffering. I can see how much it takes from you just to be in the same room as me. I feel how much it weighs on your family and I guess, sometimes, my own family too.”

  Liam is not moving. He sits with me in that way for what feels like hours. His head on the bed next to me, his hands holding mine.

  ***

  Denying Ever After

  Liam can feel the heat of her hands in his. It would be so easy to take from her what she just denied him. She trusts him and relies on him and he knows that if he tried, he could convince her to willingly… She said it once, that her soul will willingly surrender to him. She thought she would die, and she was willing to die for him, but not become eternal for or with him. She would not suffer life. The struggle inside is like a raging storm.

  “Liam? What is going on?” he hears John ask but he shuts his brother out. Shortly after, his mother and father both repeat the question just to find themselves shut out too. He does not want to speak to anyone. Right now, what he needs is this woman who is constantly making him aware of his nature. This woman who’s just told him he has no chance of a happy ever after. This woman who has brought life into his living… and without even knowing it gave him a surrogate soul to cling to. He strokes over the back of her hands, feeling her blood flowing against his skin. He just needs silence and she is providing it.

  Carmina falls asleep this way and Liam does not move. He watches the painting room, the last remaining feature of Carmina’s rooms. Unlike the other rooms she created to connect and compartmentalize, this one is theirs together. She cannot get here without his touch and he cannot without hers. This is where he feels human with her, where he can dream, where he borrows her soul for a while just to know what it is like to have one again. If she… when she… How can he give this up or want to take it away from her by having her join him…. How can he not if she will forever fade away without even this to share with him? How can he want to create and destroy and then be told that he alone should choose between the two?

  ***

  When I wake up, the sun is already out but it is still early. Liam is sitting next to the bed with his head resting against it and his hands holding on to mine. Without a word, I feel him fade and then close the pathway that has kept us connected for so long. For the first time in a while, I am definitely alone inside my own thoughts.

  I watch him leave and frown after him. Perhaps he feels it is time I get on by myself. After all, I have a good grip on the
whole matter now. I mosey to the kitchen and help myself to whatever is there to eat. After the hockey game I find myself hungry a lot more often. It is like my body is burning up food faster than I can provide for it.

  While getting dressed, I decide that I will go see my family today. We have things to discuss and I have been selfish for long enough. I miss Lilly and Jarrod so much, and Momma’s letter has been read so many times that I don’t even have to open it anymore to know every word and fold on the paper. I do not leave Liam a message – I don’t see the need for one. He will find me if he wants to, of that I am certain.

  Visiting Family

  The snow is still on the ground, but the sun is out today. I squint and look at it, feeling a little resentment towards the sun god Apollo. I turn my hairband on my wrist a few times when the dull ache returns, running up my arm. When I set off, the wind in my hair makes me grin. I don’t move too fast but fast enough to avoid getting cold feet, proverbially speaking.