#1.5 Finding Autumn

by Heather Topham Wood

  Delia was becoming more and more agitated, but I had to force the issue. “What if he’s lying? What if he did try to rape Autumn?”

  Delia’s grip tightened around her soda glass. “He didn’t.”

  “But—”

  She didn’t let me finish. “This is Dad we’re talking about. Don’t you think we would’ve suspected something if he was some sort of molester?”

  “Would we?” I sat back into the plastic backing of the booth we shared. “It’s not like we know a lot about our parents’ personal lives. It’s not like he would wear a sign on his neck saying he was a rapist.”

  Delia’s mouth was set in a grim line. “Believe what you want, but we do know all about Autumn Dorey’s personal life. I remember those pictures and what her friends said about all the guys she hooked up with. Her best friend even said she was trying to sleep with Dad as a way to get him to change her math grade.”

  “I think we convinced ourselves to believe the rumors because we didn’t want to see the truth.” I countered. “The police had enough physical evidence to convict him. It wasn’t only his word against hers.”

  “He explained that. Autumn was into kinky shit and asked him to do some kind of dominant and submissive sex games. The taboo of doing a teacher was a turn on for her.”

  Delia was almost seventeen, but I still saw her as a little girl. I felt the conversation was necessary to have, but it was still making me gag on my lunch to hear her talk about that kind of sex, or any kind, really. With my mother refusing to acknowledge Thomas’s wrongdoing, Delia was one of the only options I had open to me.

  But how could I fault Delia’s unwavering devotion to her dad? I didn’t get what I was trying to prove by forcing the truth down her throat. Thinking it over, I realized I was attempting to make it okay for me to be with Autumn. It was stupid to think Delia would suddenly change her opinion. Even if she could admit her dad was at least partially responsible, it still didn’t remove the hundreds of other obstacles standing in the way of Autumn and me being together.

  “I’m not going to tell you what to believe, or say you shouldn’t have a relationship with your father,” I said, my voice low and resigned. “I respect your choice to have him in your life. But you’re gonna have to respect my choice to remove him from mine.”

  Delia grew quiet. “It just makes me sad for you, Blake. You don’t get along with Mom. Your dad is dead, and you’re basically saying my dad is dead to you. Besides me, who else do you have?”

  She was saying I had no one, and it was a valid assessment. I was constantly surrounded by people, but usually felt alone. It was hard to get close to anyone when I worried about them finding out about my family’s background. This feeling was compounded every minute I spent with Autumn. Although I didn’t pick Thomas as my family, he had been a part of it for almost my entire life. When Autumn found out I was his stepson, she’d never accept me.

  “I’m fine.” I shrugged. Acting indifferent over her appraisal was better than giving her glimpse of how I’d been crumbling under the weight of my deception. “I’m the big brother, so I get to worry about you, not the other way around.” I took a massive bite of the cheeseburger I had ordered to avoid elaborating further.

  “Whatever. Is there anyone at school? You never talk about girls, are you dating?”

  I almost choked on the food in my mouth. “No. I’m too busy to date.”

  Delia rolled her eyes. “You play college football, you’re not on the road with the NFL.” My sister would never be one to stroke my ego. “I know what goes on in college, I’m not stupid. But, instead of screwing around, you should think about getting a girlfriend.”

  My leg started bouncing up and down. “There was someone….” By the way Delia’s eyes lit up, I regretted the admission instantly. I knew why I had said something—because I missed Autumn, and keeping my emotions to myself was making me crazy. Regardless of how I felt, I was tempting trouble by opening up to Delia.

  “Well, what happened? Did she see how terrible you dance? Did you show her that ugly-ass mole you have on your leg?”

  I grinned at her. “If those are my worst qualities, I mustn’t be too bad.” I shifted in my seat. “I liked someone, but it’s not going to work out. If anything happens between us, she’ll only end up getting hurt.”

  “You can be such a cocky dick sometimes. Who are you to decide that? Shouldn’t you let her decide if she wants to take the risk or not?”

  “But I want to be the good guy for once, and I’ll only mess things up if I continue to pursue her.”

  “Well then don’t hurt her,” Delia instructed. “Treat her the way she should be, and there won’t be a problem.”

  My sister made it sound like the simplest thing in the world. Just being who I was would devastate Autumn, and it killed me. I felt suffocated by my feelings for her. And, unfortunately, relief would only come from breaking things off before I got further entangled.

  However, being away from Autumn had made me irrational, because I began to have the craziest ideas. Ideas like she could get to know the real me—outside of the label as Thomas Bridges’s stepson. I had grown to care about her, and I wanted to fix the unfixable. She would never get completely over what Thomas had done to her, but maybe she could let go of the hurt and move on. Autumn deserved love and happiness in her life, and I wanted somehow to give her those things.

  Chapter Eight

  I took a deep breath in front of the mirror, trying to calm my racing heart. I groaned as I noticed a sheen of sweat breaking out at my hairline. I wiped it away, hoping the perspiration wouldn’t cause my forehead to break out any worse than it had. I had problematic acne since I was twelve, and two years later, it wasn’t much better.

  “What’s the matter? You look like you’re about to pass out.” Thomas came into my bedroom. I didn’t immediately turn to him; instead, I looked at him through the reflection in the mirror. I figured if I didn’t face him, maybe I could hide my jumpiness for a little while longer. Thomas had been a true father to me since marrying my mother, and I thought showing weakness would put our bond at risk. Often, I tried to be the perfect son, and spazzing out about a girl wouldn’t make him happy.

  Remaining silent, I walked over to my bed. I sat down, and he took a seat on the other end of the mattress. He gave me a curious stare, and I figured he wouldn’t leave until I told him what was bothering me.

  “There’s a girl at school….” I allowed my voice to trail off.

  “And?” Thomas prompted.

  “There’s a dance coming up, and I want to ask her, but I’m afraid she’ll stay no.”

  His blue eyes widened with surprise. “Why the hell would she tell you no?”

  I drew my shoulders down, trying to downplay my crush. “She’s a sophomore and might not want to go to a freshman dance. And she’s pretty, so I bet a lot of boys are asking her.”

  “Good thing you’re a man and not a boy.” His voice filled with authority, and I found myself nodding automatically. My mother never won an argument with him because every word he spoke was with complete confidence. It was hard to fight with a man who sounded like he had an unshakeable faith in his convictions.

  “It’s just a stupid dance. I don’t even care about it.”

  Thomas frowned. “If the dance is important to you, don’t demean it by calling it stupid.”

  “Can we not talk about this? It’s really not a big deal.” I stretched out my long legs in front of me. I’d grown six inches over the summer and was still feeling a little clumsy in my new frame.

  “You can come to me about girls. I know you don’t talk much to your mom about… well, anything, but that’s not us. You’re going to have questions about girls and sex and you need to be able to talk about it.”

  I flicked a piece of lint off of my gray athletic t-shirt. “Sorry if I don’t want to talk about sex with the guy married to my mom.”

  Thomas chuckled and slapped his thigh. “Good point. You may
find it hard to believe, but I used to be your age.”

  “And you had problems getting girls?”

  “Of course not.” Thomas shook his head. He regarded me closely. “You’re good at ball, right? Girls flock to football players. When I was playing high school and college ball, I never had a problem getting dates.”

  I was trying to let his confidence rub off on me. I had no problem feeling like I was the shit during a game. Football hadn’t been a natural gift. I worked my ass off to be the best on the field. I was a freshman, and although I wasn’t starting for the varsity team, I was in the secondary. My spot as a starting running back next year was a sure thing.

  Girls like Kerri Tomson were less of a sure thing. I didn’t know how to talk to girls and although I shared gym and a lunch period with her, I was never able to mutter more than an awkward hi.

  “This girl that’s giving you blue balls got a name?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Kerri.” I was growing accustomed to the crass way Thomas would talk when we were alone. I figured it was his way to differentiate our guy talks with the way he treated my mom and sister. He was softer with me when I was a kid, but since I had hit puberty, our relationship evolved. My thought was he wanted to be the “cool dad” and not bother with a filter when it came to dispensing advice.

  “Want to get Kerri to go out with you? Then take control of the situation. Go up to her and tell her you’re taking her to the dance.” Thomas urged. “Say it like you mean it, too. She’ll eat it up, and when she tells her friends about you, you’ll have girls getting into catfights to date you.”

  I laughed at the visual. “I’ll try it.”

  “Okay, and when she agrees to go out with you, come let me know. I’ll save you the embarrassment of buying your own condoms.” Slapping my back heartily, he then got to his feet.

  My face flamed, but I tried to keep my expression neutral and hoped he didn’t catch my embarrassment. I didn’t want a sex talk with my pseudo-dad. I appreciated Thomas likely much more than he suspected. I had been lonely before he came into our lives. He gave me football, a sister, a home and so many other countless things. He wanted a legacy in return. Although I didn’t always agree with some of the macho shit he spouted, I’d try to fulfill the ambitions he had for me. Because I may have been a kid, but I’d never forget what it was like to be the fatherless boy who had too much hate bursting out of him. Thomas took away the hate and made it into something admirable. I owed him everything.

  ***

  Staying sober at parties sucked. Darien and I had been out for hours and I nursed only two beers the whole time. It was tempting to drink until I felt nothing, but I was trying to avoid habitual drunkenness. I was an athlete, and I understood putting garbage into my body would only end up killing my career before it got off the ground.

  Playing the game of life, though, was a challenge without alcohol as a crutch. I was a pretender, and being fake became a hell of a lot harder stone cold sober. This was evident when it came to dealing with a friend of Kaylee’s named Tori. She had slept with Darien a couple of times, and since he ended things a few months ago, she had made it her mission to get him back. That night, she followed us from the Football House party to the get-together at Sigma Chi. She’d been hanging on me the entire night—I guessed in an attempt to make Darien jealous. I tried to lose her, but it only made her more persistent. I was ready to bail on the party completely when she whispered in my ear about going back to our apartment and letting Darien and me share her for the night. Just what I wanted, I thought wryly, to stick my dick in some girl right after my best friend had.

  Besides, I was on a self-imposed sex sabbatical after everything that went down with Autumn—because I understood sleeping with someone else would not curb my need for her. Kaylee had called a couple of days earlier to come over, and I let her know things were over between us. We both deserved better.

  I turned to Darien to tell him I was out when I saw a gorgeous blonde on the opposite side of the room. My heart stopped beating in my chest. I swallowed roughly as I took in Autumn wearing the sexiest outfit I’d ever seen her in. The shirt dipped low in the back revealing her smooth skin. Paired with tight jeans that hugged her ass like a glove, she was by far the hottest girl in the room. A surge of jealousy rushed through my blood when I saw her laughing with another guy. I forced my eyes away from her and recognized him. His name was Will, and he ran numbers for the football team. He was actually a decent guy, and if I had the same decency, I’d let her continue talking to him. But obviously my moral code was nonexistent since the moment I approached her at the first party.

  Weeks of only glimpses of her in class had left me desperate for a hit. I wanted to be in touching distance again to study every minute feature of her beautiful face. Up close, I could see the subtle way her nose upturned at the tip. Or stare at the smattering of freckles she had surrounding her perfectly symmetrical lips. She had shut me out after the disastrous morning when I failed to confess my feelings. I thought I could go back to pretending and not be affected by her presence, but it was futile.

  Pushing through the crowd, I came up from behind her. Will had been holding her hand and he had the good sense to drop it when I approached them. I was a sick bastard to feel like I had a claim on Autumn, but being around her didn’t allow me to actually think lucidly. She hadn’t simply gotten under my skin—she had burrowed so deeply inside of me, I didn’t think anything could ever reverse the effect.

  Since she refused to face me, I addressed Will. “Hi, do you mind if I steal Autumn for a minute?”

  I was surprised to see Will’s look of indifference. If some dick had asked to take her away from me, I’d shove my foot up his ass. “Sure.”

  “Seriously?” Autumn was pissed and it threw me off. Maybe she really did like Will. It was possible I’d been conceited enough to believe she had been missing me in the same way I had missed her. It was wishful thinking—imagining Autumn Dorey’s every waking moment consumed by thoughts of me. I was the one obsessing while she’d been moving on.

  After shooting Will an annoyed look, she swung to face me. “What do you want?”

  The way she glared at me actually made me optimistic. She wasn’t mildly irritated by me—she was enraged. She definitely had feelings there if she had such a visceral reaction to seeing me. Honestly, I probably deserved her resentment. But I didn’t want to be another enemy in her world.

  “Can I talk to you alone?” I hurried on before she could tell me no. “It will only take a sec.”

  I knew a lot of the brothers at Sig Chi and had been to the frat house dozens of times. Doug was an economics major, like me, and I was sure he wouldn’t mind if I took Autumn up to his room on the second floor to talk for a few minutes. I had seen him getting baked in the basement when I came in, and I assumed he wouldn’t be using the bedroom anytime soon. “I’m friends with one of the guys who lives here. He won’t mind if we talk in his room.”

  By the look on her face, I could tell I must have said something else to rub her the wrong way. It was a strange dynamic for me. Normally, women seemed overenthusiastic when I was around—laughing too loud at my lame attempts at humor. Autumn was genuine, and it was one of the things I found most appealing about her. When she laughed, it was real and not forced as a way to stroke my ego.

  But she wasn’t laughing now. With reluctance, she agreed to hear me out. She was quiet as we went upstairs and I led her into Doug’s room. She stayed by the door, her body stiff and uncomfortable as she regarded me.

  “How have you been?” I asked. I was torn by what I wanted to hear. I wanted her missing me, but I also didn’t want her unhappy. My intense need to know that she could feel joy again had been there since the moment I became positive Thomas had assaulted her. He felt no remorse, so I had put it upon myself to feel it on his behalf. I would do whatever it took to make Autumn whole and happy again.

  “Is that what you needed to talk to me in private about?” Her eyebr
ows pulled together, and she tapped her foot in anticipation of my answer. The tension between us made me consider the ups and downs we had since the start of the semester. I wanted it to be easy between us like the day we went to the museum together. I hadn’t gone with her looking to dig into her past. I had invited her because I simply liked being around her. She was easy to talk to, and I loved the way her smile lit up her entire face when I gave her the poster of the flower painting. Normally, I’d never give a girl a gift like that. It wouldn’t fit with the way I wanted people to perceive me. I was raised to be the strong, alpha football player who took what he wanted simply because he could. Knowing what kind of person Thomas was made me want to carve out the parts of my personality he had a hand in shaping.

  Finally, I answered her question. “No, but we haven’t talked in weeks and I wanted to see how you were. You told me to leave you alone, and I was trying to respect that.”

  “Then what are we doing up here?”

  Hell, if I knew the right way to answer that. I couldn’t meet her eyes when I answered and instead focused my vision on a hairline crack in the center of the ceiling. “I miss hanging out with you. I screwed up that morning, and I want to fix things between us.”

  “But why?” Autumn’s brown eyes filled with genuine confusion. “You’ve been telling me over and over again how you’re bad for me and I’ll end up hating you eventually. Why should I waste any more time on you if I’m only going to be hurt at the end?”

  I was determined to somehow explain my actions and for her to understand how my intentions changed. “This probably doesn’t make much sense, but I’ve always done what’s expected of me. And hurting you just seemed to be the direction I was heading whether or not I wanted to.”