#1.5 Finding Autumn

by Heather Topham Wood

  “You’re right, it doesn’t make any sense.”

  She wasn’t going to be swayed by half-truths. I had to pry open the vault and let her in. I wouldn’t tell her about Thomas here, and I justified my omission a thousand different ways. But at the heart of it, I simply didn’t want him a part of Autumn and me. I wanted to build something new with her and keep him as far removed from it as possible.

  “When we met for the first time, I thought it was inevitable for me to hurt you,” I said, slowly, knowing these next moments could make or break everything. “I figured the more time we spent together, the more likely it was you’d uncover all the bad shit everyone else in my life refuses to see.” I smiled sadly. “But you called me on everything. When I was an asshole, you told me. You had no problem admitting you didn’t give two shits about how good I was at catching a ball. No one else does that, and I liked it.”

  “But what bad shit is there, Blake?” Her tone was softening and curiosity was replacing the annoyance in her expression.

  “I feel like I’m ready to explode at any given moment.” The words were just coming out of me now—deep truths that I’d kept even more buried than Thomas’s legacy of shame. “Like the pressure from my family and the team is going to make me crack. Sometimes, it takes so much effort to not give in. I went through a period where I was always picking fights, and playing football was the only time I felt calm enough to function.”

  I was surprised how much I confided in her, but the words had tumbled out with a life of their own. She had admitted to me once she had come to Cook to reinvent herself. She didn’t want to live her life as a shallow girl who cared about nothing but looks and popularity. In a sense, I had gone away to college to reinvent myself as well. I wanted the charmed life I could no longer have in Clark because of my family history.

  “But what are you so angry about?”

  “About my dad, mostly.”

  She made a small clucking noise, and her eyes grew tender. She was so sweet and earnest at the moment—I figured her reaction assured my spot in hell. I was garnering sympathy because of my dead dad. I was angry over my dad dying. It was hard never getting the chance to know him. But what really got me was my father’s death opening up the opportunity for Thomas to step in and take over.

  “I love my mom and she’s done her best, but she’s a lot to deal with. She’s always pushing me and thinks football is going to be our way out of financial hell. I don’t think she realizes going pro is something that may never happen,” I explained.

  My feelings about playing football professionally weren’t easy to clarify. I was afraid to want it too much. If getting drafted didn’t matter to me, being skipped over would hurt less if it didn’t happen at all. The truth was I had wanted to play in the NFL from the moment I played catch for the first time in our back yard. Unfortunately, my love for football was forever bound to Thomas Bridges.

  “You don’t like football?”

  “I do, but it was better when I could think of it as a game. Ever since we started running into these money problems, she’s become like a warped version of a stage mom. I got a concussion last year, and she rode me until I was back on the field.”

  I was a poor substitute dad and husband. My mom needed my financial help, but insisted I stay in college and play football. I had offered to quit school and work full-time when Thomas was indicted, but my mom wouldn’t hear of it. For a second, I’d thought it was because she was concerned about my future. She was quick to remedy that notion. I was her Plan B if things didn’t work out with Thomas after his release from prison. I felt constricted by my mother’s demand—by the way she was set on determining my fate.

  “Just because you’re pissed off about certain aspects of your life, it doesn’t mean you’re going to screw up all of your relationships,” Autumn said. “I think you’re relying too much on the concept of manifest destiny.”

  “What’s that?”

  She paused and considered me. She had such an expressive face—I could read her thoughts without her saying a single word. She didn’t want to write me off; she wanted to understand me. She wasn’t giving up on me. “It’s the idea your future is certain. You’re your own person, Blake. You’ve never shown me this darker side, and if it’s there, you have it under control. I get pissed off at the world sometimes and want to lash out, but I don’t think it makes me a bad person.” She pulled on the hem of her shirt before moving closer to me. “You’re funny and nice, and you have a lot of friends that would do anything for you. I’m your friend, too.”

  I didn’t correct her, although she was far from the truth. I had very few real friends. If I hadn’t chased her with purpose, she probably wouldn’t have been my friend either. Pushing people away had become too much of a habit.

  “About that morning….” I moved forward, wanting to bridge the gap between us even more. I wanted to explain why I had run off. I hated her thinking she had done something wrong.

  “We really don’t have to talk about it. I misread things and overreacted because my feelings were hurt. We can pretend it never happened.” She was still playing with her shirt while not looking me in the face.

  “Autumn, I was telling you the truth. You deserve much better than what I have to offer.” It was my cue to tell her that was the reason we’d never work as a couple. I’d be there for her as a friend in every possible way, but dating was out of the question.

  Yet… her words had affected me. I had believed the two of us together was an explosion waiting to happen. I assumed I’d hurt her, but what if… it could work. I cared for her and my feelings were real. “But what if you’re right and I’m not fated to be this fuck-up? What if I could change and be the guy you deserve?”

  “But you’ve been telling me over and over again we were just friends.”

  I had done that, and that plan had been an utter failure. Telling her we were friends again and again didn’t stop me from wanting her. “I’ve tried so hard to stay away, and I said things to make it seem like I didn’t have feelings for you. But if I could tell you one absolute truth right now it would be I’ve thought about kissing you every single day we’ve spent together.” I had held that secret close, but it felt good to let it go. “And maybe on the days I didn’t see you, too.”

  I ventured forward and touched her cheek. Her skin felt soft and smooth as I ran my finger in a line down to her mouth. Her beautiful eyes popped wide open and I heard her draw in a long breath that caught in her throat. I wanted to kiss her, but I wouldn’t unless it was something she definitely wanted.

  “Can I kiss you, Autumn Dorey?”

  We stared into each other’s unblinking eyes, and something silently passed between us. There was an understanding that we were finally stripping away our pretenses and not shying away from how much we wanted each other. Her tone was soft and breathy. “Yes.”

  I was turned on by the way she closed her eyes and lifted her body toward me. I didn’t want to rush the moment and waited a beat to take in the visual of the anticipation clear on her features. A faint blush rose to her cheeks, and her lips were slightly parted. Her mouth was begging me to kiss her. She was a head shorter than me, and I liked having to pull her against me for our lips to reach. Finally, I pushed my lips against her and tasted her sweet mouth. I kissed her and the world outside ceased to exist.

  The fear had been there in the back of my mind that kissing her would ruin us both. I was correct, but not in the way I expected. Kissing her felt like the most natural thing. I normally rushed through kissing, eager to skip foreplay and get to the main event. But feeling Autumn’s soft lips pressed against my own made me never want to pull away.

  It was difficult to keep my cool during our kiss. Kissing her ignited a flame that couldn’t be extinguished. I had a brief fantasy of leading her toward the bed and kissing every single inch of her skin. My tongue found hers and I became hungry for more. She responded, and the hard way she kissed me back drove me crazy with desire.
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  The problem was I didn’t want to scare her off and getting physical too quickly would do that. It was a challenge to tow the line since it was impossible to not look at her without having x-rated thoughts.

  She broke our kiss, but stayed in my arms. While she rested her head against my chest, I tried to stop my lust from building. Tasting her once had me hungry for so much more. I gave her a little squeeze before massaging her back. She sighed with contentment, and I smiled broadly at the sound.

  Maybe I’d regret things later, but at that moment I was all in. Autumn would find out the truth eventually; I wasn’t naïve enough to think we could date and she’d never discover who I was. But I wanted her to get to know me first. If I told her Thomas Bridges was my stepfather, then that would be it for us. I wanted my chance first. I wanted us to have a chance first.

  Chapter Nine

  During the next several weeks, I was performing a constant balancing act to date Autumn. There were so many close calls—moments where she seemed on the brink of stumbling upon the truth. Although a part of me would be relieved for the truth to be out, I wasn’t ready. It felt too soon. I reasoned she still needed time to get to know what I was like outside the stigma of being Thomas’s stepson. When I was honest with myself, my reasons were more selfish: I didn’t want to lose her.

  I was at peace when we were together. I felt like I could be myself and not have to fake it with her. Girls had wanted me before, but it never felt real. Being with Autumn came easy to me although we’d barely moved beyond kissing, and all my past hook-ups felt cheap next to what we had developed in only a few short weeks of dating.

  Darien and I had skipped out on going away for spring break, and Autumn had gone home. I didn’t have the money for a lavish vacation, and Darien had refused to travel since getting sick with Montezuma’s Revenge two years earlier. Since no one was around, Darien and I had spent most of the week holed up in the apartment playing video games. I was beyond bored, especially after coming off the high of getting together with Autumn. I had thought about telling her not to go home—back to her parents’ house in Newpine for the college’s spring break—and trying to convince her to spend the week at my apartment. But I had held my tongue because I didn’t want the intensity of my feelings to scare her off. But as soon as she left, I began missing her so damn much. When she agreed to a spontaneous date in her hometown, midweek, I jumped at the chance.

  In ten minutes, I had showered and shaved and was ready to see my girl. Darien whistled at me as I grabbed my keys and made way to the door. He was sprawled out on the couch with the TV remote in hand. “I thought we were having subs and playing Madden. You didn’t have to get all sexied up for me.”

  I laughed. “Sorry to bail, but I’m going to see Autumn.”

  “She’s home with her parents?” I nodded and he muted the TV. “Where is she from again?”

  “Newpine,” I answered shortly and turned to go.

  Darien made a “humph” sound, stopping me in my tracks. I turned back around. “What is it?”

  “That town sounds familiar. Didn’t you say your dad was a teacher at Newpine High School?”

  Shit on a stick, I thought. Darien was the only friend from college who knew about my stepdad. I had given him the brief rundown of what had happened, but we never talked about it again. I had assumed when I started bringing Autumn around that he hadn’t made the connection.

  “It’s not what you think,” I spat out. My verbal diarrhea automatically made me look culpable.

  Darien’s expression was wary. He tried to be a good friend to me, but I tested his patience. He sat up on the couch and stared me down. I assumed he was waiting for me to say more, but I kept my mouth shut. As things stood, I didn’t have an adequate explanation to give him.

  “Autumn is a nice girl….”

  I ground my teeth together. “I don’t need you to tell me my girlfriend is nice.”

  “Your girlfriend now?” Darien’s eyebrows lifted. “You’ve been dating a couple weeks and you’re calling her your girlfriend?”

  “What’s it to you?”

  “Don’t make me ask you, Blake. Instead of being a jackass, just tell me that Autumn isn’t the girl who had an affair with your stepdad.”

  “She’s not,” I countered.

  Darien sharpened his gaze, and I stumbled back to try and escape the disgusted way he was glowering at me.

  “Don’t hurt her, Blake,” Darien said with a hard edge in his voice. “I know you put a lot of blame on the girl who accused your dad of trying to rape her, but you weren’t there that night. Your dad said it was consensual, but….”

  “I know,” I hissed. I wanted to be anywhere but there at the moment. I wanted to be in bed with Autumn, under the covers, pretending the world outside didn’t exist.

  “You’re not going to tell me anything. Are you?” Darien asked.

  My silence answered for him.

  “I’m not going to tell Autumn about your dad, but if you’re setting her up to take some sort of fall, I’m out. I’m packing up my shit and we’re done. I won’t be friends with someone who fucks around with people’s lives for the hell of it.” Once he finished warning me off in a low and deadly tone, he squared his shoulders.

  “That’s not what this is,” I mumbled. At his skeptical expression, I added in a firmer tone, “I swear I’m not out to hurt her.”

  The tension was still tangible, but he eased back into a reclined position. “You better keep that promise, because otherwise, I’ll beat in that pretty face of yours.”

  ***

  I sped toward Newpine, needing to see Autumn as soon as humanly possible. The conversation with Darien left me rattled, and I wanted her to make me forget everything. As soon as she smiled, I’d be able to get back the lighter feelings she inspired. Autumn made me feel like I could be a better man and not the fuck up I really was. I was getting swept away by how much I needed her, and I welcomed the tidal wave of emotion she incited when I was near her.

  My phone buzzed in the center console and I hoped it wasn’t a text from Darien looking to chastise me further. The urge to confide in him was strong, but I couldn’t expect him to understand my motives. Worse yet, I didn’t want him to try and convince me to stop seeing Autumn.

  I glanced at the screen and dread seeped into my body. It was a text from Autumn—her parents wanted to meet me. I’d been so eager to see her that it hadn’t crossed my mind her parents would want an introduction before she and I went out.

  The meeting could go horribly wrong. How would her mother and father feel if they found out my connection to the man who assaulted their daughter? What if they already knew? Autumn told me how close she was to her parents, and in another lifetime I would’ve hoped to be the kind of guy they’d like to see their daughter with.

  Wiping my sweaty palms, I approached Autumn’s front door. Driving into Newpine had been a strange and unsettling experience. I was familiar with the area although it was forty minutes from my hometown. My mother, Delia, and I had gone to several of Thomas’s championship games at the high school field in a show of support for his team and his coaching abilities. I had missed most of his coaching season because of my own football schedule by the time I was in high school myself, but I had gone to the stadium there often enough that I recognized it well, and felt flustered the closer I got to the campus. I purposely took the long way to the Dorey residence as a way to avoid going anywhere near the high school.

  Autumn answered the door and I grinned at her—pushing aside my tension for the moment. Her glittering smile in my direction brought attention to her high cheekbones. Was what I felt for her the beginning of falling in love? Because I couldn’t remember someone being able to make me smile when everything else in my life was torn apart.

  Once she ushered me inside, I saw her mom waiting in the foyer. She looked so much like Autumn, it was easy to keep the smile on my face. Her mother’s eyes held the same warmth and she had a similar small s
tature. Honestly, my relief was staggering that Autumn’s mom obviously hadn’t made the connection and realized I was related to Thomas. She slipped her hand in mine and said, “Vivian Dorey. I’m Autumn’s mother.” Her eyes went wide as she studied me, and I could feel her appraisal.

  “I’m Blake Preston. It’s nice to meet you.”

  I noticed Autumn’s father on the couch and saw he was also staring at me in the same curious manner as Autumn’s mom. I knew too much and I hated it. Because it was clear Autumn hadn’t brought anyone home in a very long time to meet her parents. Her father stood up and made it to the foyer in three long strides.

  “I’m Autumn’s dad, Carl. It’s always nice to meet a friend of Autumn’s.” Her father had a firm grip, and I imagined him using those hands to end my pathetic life. I visualized some jackass like me showing up to take Delia out and what I’d want to do to the guy.

  Vivian asked me to take off my sneakers and I looked to Autumn with slight alarm. Without being too obvious, I was trying to send her a distress signal. As lovely as I was sure her parents were, I wanted to get the hell out of there. My brain was buzzing with too many unsolicited thoughts and would only be silenced if I dragged Autumn away and kissed her all over.

  She looked embarrassed by her mom and insisted it was fine for me to keep my shoes on. It looked like an argument was about to start between the two, so I tried to make it a non-issue by telling her it was fine. None of it was fine, but since I smashed my moral compass to pieces weeks ago, I’d just go with it.

  Her mother’s face was inquisitive as she watched me remove my sneakers. I concentrated on the laces while she spoke. “So, Blake, where are you from? Do your parents live nearby the school?”

  “I have an apartment a couple of miles from campus that I live in year-round, but I grew up in Clark.”

  Her mother shot me a look as if I had just announced my plans to run off to Vegas with her daughter and elope. I got that her parents were overprotective, but Autumn was nineteen and away at college. Was it really that alarming for her to be dating someone with his own apartment? Or was it because I’d mentioned Clark, and they knew where Thomas was from?