#1.5 Finding Autumn

by Heather Topham Wood

  Since I started this thing with Autumn, I felt like I was living in a parallel universe. I thought I knew her, but I was confused sometimes, blending what I knew of her as Thomas’s student and her at Cook University. Her sexual history was plastered all over the internet. I understood a lot of the stories about her had been exaggerated, but she had been with her high school boyfriend for years. Were her parents simply being naïve and deciding they were better off not knowing about their daughter’s sex life?

  Her mom’s reaction worried me more than I was letting on. The stuff Autumn did in high school—I didn’t let bother me. Her classmates had posted dozens of messages listing the guys “Whorey Dorey” had screwed. Half the stuff posted on Facebook was likely bullshit, but I would never ask her about it. It wasn’t only about the fear of exposing who I was, but I was done with trying to dredge up her past.

  I silenced my thoughts and tried to catch her eye. “Where do you want to go, Autumn?”

  Autumn was spaced out, and it was touching to watch her with a dreamy look on her face. She seemed unaware of the growing tension in the room. She made my mouth go dry when a small smile appeared on her lips. I wanted her like crazy, and I made the same rigorous effort that I made every day to temper my body’s physical reaction to her. I wasn’t used to waiting on the physical part of a relationship. I told Autumn I was seeing only her, and I wasn’t lying. Besides, one positive personality trait I could claim was that I wasn’t a cheater.

  Vivian looked as though her patience was being tested by her daughter. “Blake asked where you would like to go, Autumn.”

  Autumn appeared flustered, but tried to play it off. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe Valley Amusements? They have a pizza place, bowling alley, and arcade.”

  “Sounds great,” I agreed, and I was ready to bolt out the door the minute she gave me the go ahead.

  “So, you play ball for Cook? How did the team do this year?” her father asked, and I forced myself to relax. Talking about football came naturally. It was also a relief for her parents to not ask too many questions about my family.

  “Good, sir. We were nine and four during the season and second place in the conference.”

  “Blake was MVP.” Autumn beamed widely in my direction. “He had almost two thousand rushing yards and made eighteen touchdowns.”

  She caught me off guard with her recitation of my record. “How do you know that?”

  “I read a couple of articles about you in the campus newspaper.” Autumn shrugged her shoulders. “You told me you were good, but I didn’t know you were crazy good.”

  Her response affected me, and I felt like she was trying to send me a message. She was taking an interest in football because she cared about me. I guessed she may have tied football to my stepfather in the same way I did, but maybe we both had to cut that association.

  “Do you want to borrow my black heels, Autumn? They would look nice with your pants.” Vivian’s voice was a high falsetto, and I could see the strain around her eyes although a smile stayed pinned on her face.

  Autumn’s body tensed, and I guessed she picked up on the mood as well. “Sure.”

  “Okay, take a walk with me upstairs to grab them.” Vivian headed toward the stairs with Autumn following behind. Vivian addressed Autumn’s dad and me. “We’ll be just a sec.”

  Whatever was going on between Autumn and her mom had me itching to flee again. The dread was building as I watched them climb the stairs to the second floor. I hoped it was just my own neuroses, but I was terrified Vivian needed a moment alone with Autumn in order to convince her to dump my sorry ass.

  Once the women were out of sight, I followed Carl to the living room and took a seat in the armchair while he resumed his seat on the sofa. I expected him to turn his attention back to the game on the TV, but he muted the volume and rotated his body to face me.

  I shifted in my seat, not liking his scrutiny. It made me paranoid, as if he could see inside me and discover all my sins. The longer the silence stretched on, the more imagined layers he was peeling away, getting closer to my dark core.

  “Stop sitting there looking like you’re about to shit your pants,” he said jovially. “I’m not going to threaten to chop your balls off if you touch my daughter.”

  I barked out a laugh at his unexpected candor. It reminded me of his daughter and the way she would tell me exactly what was on her mind. “Well, thanks for that.”

  “I’m sure you picked up on my wife’s attitude, and I thought I’d explain. Autumn has a tendency to attract boys who aren’t good enough for her.” His voice was tinged with sadness and it shook me up. It seemed I couldn’t stop coming across the trail of victims left behind by Thomas. “She’s trusting and kind to those who don’t deserve it. The world is full of assholes, but Autumn doesn’t want to live in that kind of world, so she believes the best in people.”

  I nodded because I didn’t trust myself to speak. I wanted to be better than the people who had hurt Autumn, but how could I be when I was already betraying her trust?

  Her father continued on. “All I’m going to ask is that you don’t hurt her. My wife is worried you’ll be another arrogant jock who treats Autumn like garbage. But I’m going to give you a fair shot and ask you to treat her the way she deserves.”

  We wanted the same things. I had never thought of myself as a good guy, but for her, I wanted to be. “I will. When you meet a person like Autumn, it puts things in perspective. Each time I see her, I appreciate all over again how lucky I am to have such an amazing girl like her in my life. I promise that I only want Autumn happy.”

  My level of honesty surprised me. But when it came down to it, Carl Dorey was a father who probably felt like he had failed to protect his daughter. He needed reassurance that she’d be safe with me. Above all else, I needed to convey that I’d do anything for her, along with an acknowledgement that she was unquestionably the best part of my world.

  Chapter Ten

  I had thought our night was going well once we were settled at Valley Amusements, but I understood it wasn’t to be when I returned to our table from the bathroom. I had only been gone for minutes while she waited for the pizza we had ordered from the café. She had pulled me out of my funk as soon as we arrived at the bowling alley. During the drive from her house, I had tried to ask her about what she talked about with her mom upstairs. I picked up on Autumn’s strain over my questions and abruptly changed the subject. If her mom had reservations about me, I didn’t want to bring the issue to the forefront of Autumn’s mind. Touching her and kissing her was exactly what I needed to chase away all the other dark feelings. My need for her burned hot and bright. Autumn Dorey absolutely and positively consumed my entire being.

  Kissing her did funny things to me. It made me hope for futures—futures I probably had no business hoping for. It made me want to come up with outlandish schemes to stay forever inside this bubble I had created for us.

  I could’ve stayed in the parking lot with my lips on hers for the rest of the night. Begrudgingly, I had allowed her to lead me into the outdated bowling alley. The place still held onto its charm despite not being redecorated since the 1970s. Scuffed linoleum was everywhere—the floors, the tables, the seats. The wood paneling on the walls also looked as though it had seen better days.

  Returning to the table and finding Autumn surrounded by three guys had me seeing red instantly. She may not have been mine for good, but she was mine for the moment—and no one was taking her from me without a fight. Moving closer, I was able to make out the deep discomfort on her face, and it made me want to hit first and ask questions later.

  “What’s going on?” I asked as I stalked to where she was standing.

  She passed me a stricken look, and I wondered what was happening with her and the three jackasses. They looked like complete tools—tall and skinny with almost matching uniforms of jeans hanging off their asses and Abercrombie t-shirts.

  One of the douches came up behind me and sla
pped my back as if we were old friends. My skin crawled from his touch. Before he even opened his mouth, I was ready to end him. “Is Autumn your girl? No judgment here, dude. We’ve all been there, done that.”

  Floored by the disrespect, I almost erupted, but kept my calm for one minute longer. “I’d watch what you say next,” I replied evenly. “Because unless I hear an apology to Autumn, your teeth will end up on the floor.”

  It didn’t take long to put together that Autumn went to high school with the three losers. I didn’t know the guys, but I knew their type. There were always the big talkers in the locker room who liked to brag about how much tail they got. Most of us knew the truth—the only action they were getting involved stealing a bottle of their mom’s lotion and turning on Cinemax after midnight.

  The tall skinny blond of the group faced me and he puffed up in an obvious way. It was an intimidation tactic, and I almost rolled my eyes. If he thought I was backing down, he was out of his mind.

  “I’m not sure what you know about Autumn, but I’ve known her for a long time. I was her boyfriend, and the bitch fucked around on me the entire time we were together….”

  Fuck me, I thought. No wonder Autumn’s parents were overprotective. The guy had crazy eyes; and, by the way he spoke, he sounded like he was still resentful over their breakup. From the second he opened his stupid mouth and called her a bitch, he was done for. I was crazy about her, and I would do crazy, fucked-up shit in order to protect her.

  “If you’re her ex, then you definitely deserve at least a punch in the face,” I said, wondering where the calm was coming from, because I sure had no plans to remain so. The violent impulses were rearing up inside me, and I didn’t try to push them away. I wanted to hurt her ex, badly, not only because of his cruelty to her, but also because he was representative of every man who tried to exploit her for their own reprehensible reasons.

  “I want to go,” said Autumn, trying to sound firm. “They’re looking for a fight and I don’t want to give it to them.” She was getting freaked out, and I did consider—for about a second—leaving. I was itching to get some of my pent-up anger out, but I didn’t want to upset her.

  I almost opened my mouth to tell her we’d go, but the asshole’s barking laugh stopped me. “That’s funny coming from you, Autumn. Like you’re better than us.” I hated the way he was talking to her, and was continuing to be amazed that they’d dare to be so hateful in front of me, who out-weighed and out-muscled all three of them put together. Were they really so sure of themselves, and so used to kicking her when she was down, that they thought they’d get away with treating her this way? As if I wasn’t even standing here, readying myself to rip them apart? And, was I witnessing the tiniest taste of what she’d had to go through, every single day, both online and off? I knew Newpine loved my stepdad—he’d received a bunch of bullshit awards since he started teaching and coaching at the high school. But why did his students have more loyalty than I did?

  “You’re the one who was fucking a teacher.” The guy delivered the shot to Autumn, and by the self-satisfied smile on his face, he couldn’t be happier than a pig in shit.

  Judging by the look on her face, we were both shocked that he’d gone for broke, as much as he’d already insulted her. I felt like time stopped. In seconds, her ex-boyfriend had unleashed the eight hundred pound gorilla I had been keeping caged inside me. While it slowly climbed out from behind its bars and started flexing, I remained stunned into silence, and I stood frozen as he continued speaking.

  “Did she tell you about her teacher, our school’s football coach? She was letting him fuck her six ways from Sunday.” Her ex was suddenly livid—red-faced with spittle flying out as he raged at her. “And the cunt did it all to get a better math grade.”

  “Fucked him and then she got the poor schmuck sent to jail over it,” his friend was stupid enough to chime in. They had no idea they were about to pay for every rumor they started and every name they called Autumn. I may have been more sinner than saint, but I wasn’t like them. I vowed to never be like them again.

  My first thought was to usher Autumn away. I picked her up, causing her to yelp, and put her behind me. She’d be pissed at me later, but someone had to protect her honor. I was late to the game, but I was there at the moment.

  I wasn’t concerned about taking on three guys. I could fight, and I routinely took on much bigger and stronger men on the field anyway. My aim was to knock them out as quickly as possible so that they couldn’t gang up on me. I wouldn’t mind making her ex pay by giving him a slow and torturous beating, but it wasn’t likely to happen.

  I went for her ex first. I clocked him in the face, and he fell backward while cradling his injured cheek. His friends lunged for me and I shoved them away. I tried to aim toward the café tables and chairs with the hope the obstacles would slow them down. Before I could focus back on her ex, he knocked the wind out of me with a blow to the stomach. It was a rookie move to bring my hands down to cradle my stomach, and it gave him the perfect opportunity to punch me in the face.

  I was pissed he got a hit in, and the storm inside of me gained momentum. The coppery taste of my own blood intensified my rage. I wasn’t fighting in a controlled way any longer—I was throwing out punches like my life depended on it. I slammed my fists into each of their bodies again and again, and tried to dull my senses not to feel their hits when they retaliated. One of the guys pummeled me above my eye, and I was about ready to kill these dicks. A few of the male bowlers came over and tried to intervene, but they weren’t going to stop me from protecting what was mine.

  Someone yelled about calling the cops, and her ex’s friends practically pissed their pants. They tried to make her ex leave, but he was determined to win the fight. Idiot. As they took off, I lunged toward him and pulled my fist back. The punch landed square on his nose and blood squirted out in every direction. I wasn’t satisfied with the broken nose and went in for more.

  However, Autumn’s voice interrupted my plans. As quietly as she could speak, my ear was attuned to her smallest sound, and she got through to me with her first word. “The cops are on their way,” she said, her trembling voice full of fear. “We need to leave before you get arrested.”

  Her eyes pleaded with me. I had scared her and it gave me pause. It was never my intention for her to see this side of me.

  “You broke my nose!” her ex whined from the floor. His eyes darted away from my face and narrowed on her. “Always quick to play the victim card, Autumn. He’ll see it one day, he’ll find out you’re a liar and a whore.”

  The guy had a death wish. “Don’t you look at her,” I growled at him, putting every ounce of threat I could into my voice. “Never even say her name again, unless you want another ass kicking.”

  It took a lot to walk away, but I was starting to put her needs above my own. Her father was right. She was too kind and good for the people in her life. She cared for people who probably didn’t deserve it, and I was afraid to include myself as one of them.

  ***

  Autumn drove to a convenience store while I acted like a surly patient in the passenger’s seat. By the hard braking and sharp turns she made on route, I could see how shaken up she was over the fight and the way her ex had relentlessly violated her with unfounded insults. She had ducked into the store and returned with a medical kit and a package of frozen vegetables. I was fuming—full of righteous indignation over the assholes calling her a cunt and a whore. With their words bouncing around my skull, I was beginning to regret not getting in a few more parting shots. Tension rippled up my back and found its way into my shoulders as I recalled how paralyzed I had become after the first insult was lobbed at her.

  “What did you ever see in that guy?”

  “Well…” Autumn frowned at the question and squirmed in her seat. She had finished patching me up and handed over the frozen peas to hold over my eye. I waited while she seemed to give serious consideration to the question. “Hunter isn’t t
he same guy, and I’m not the same girl. We had a lot more in common when I was in high school.”

  “What could you possibly have in common with him?”

  “I don’t know,” she said, her voice sad and distant. “At one time, my priorities were cheering, being popular, and dating a hot guy. Once high school was done, I wanted to leave Newpine for good and do something incredible with my life. It wasn’t until I lost it all that I was able to get my head out of my ass and see how freaking shallow I’d become.”

  Nothing could be more torturous than hearing Autumn get down on herself about high school. I felt like she was saying she deserved to be mistreated. She was stronger than that, and I had to make her see it.

  “You’re hard on yourself about high school. You shouldn’t be. And any mistakes you made have been done with for a long time. Hunter needs to move on.” I reached out and touched her hair. “You were the best thing to happen to him and he probably hates himself for losing you.” I stopped and lowered my voice. “I know I would.”

  It was true because I already hated myself. I was desperate—scrambling to come up with a way to not lose her—and it seemed hopeless.

  “Hunter is convinced I betrayed him. It’s the reason he hates me so much.” She stopped and lowered her gaze to her lap. “What he said about my teacher….”

  No! I screamed inside my head. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let her open up to me when I was a complete fraud.

  “Autumn, please don’t feel like you have to explain anything to me. Anything those idiots had to say carries no weight in my mind.”

  She had a determined look on her face, and I understood how important the moment was to her. She wanted to set the record straight, and she didn’t want me to walk around with the idea of her having sex with her teacher.