A Heart Not Easily Broken (The Butterfly Memoirs)

by M. J. Kane

  “What’s wrong with her?” The rustling noise stopped.

  “She’s been MIA for three months, stuck in her room not wanting to talk. I think she’s a little jealous.”

  “Of what?”

  “Of our relationship. Plus Kaity’s got Luke. Think about it, she was with Brian a few months, and then he left.”

  “Yeah, I’m sure that’s it. Look, I’ve got to go.” All sense of flirting left his voice.

  “Okay, me too. The computer geek is here.” I studied the man who’d suddenly appeared in my doorway. “Love you.”

  “Yeah, later.”

  I hung up the phone. Why didn’t Thomas notify me the computer technician arrived?

  Always eager to appreciate a good-looking man, I studied him.

  He wore dark rimmed glasses, black pants, and the standard white shirt and black tie worn by geeks across America. He had cocoa colored skin, with shoulders hinting at a nice build beneath his shirt. He wore his hair in a low cut, typical black male fashion. Generous lips were surrounded by a trim goatee. Though he didn’t hold a candle to Javan’s thick frame, he was attractive…in a geeky sort of way.

  “Sorry to disturb you, Mrs. Phillips, my name is Zachariah Givens. I’m here to service your computers.” He pointed over his shoulder down the short hallway leading to the front desk. “I rang the bell twice, but no one was out front.”

  I sighed in exasperation. “Thomas must be on break.” I made note to address him about leaving the front desk unmanned without informing me. We were a small hotel chain, but we ran our establishment as if we were one of the big boys. “And it’s Ms. Phillips. Come in.”

  I rose from my chair and smoothed the tight fabric over my hips. My skirt stopped at the mid-point of my thigh, my legs were naked without panty hose, and I wore sensible, yet stylish heels. Most men would have watched the movements. He didn’t. Guess he got offended by my comment.

  “Look, I didn’t mean anything by calling you a geek. You reminded me of”

  “No problem.” His voice was flat and impersonal. “I hear it at least five times a day. It comes with the job.”

  O-kay. So he was a geek with no sense of humor. Fine. But his voice had a hoarseness that was sexy as hell.

  I moved out of the way so he could sit at my desk.

  “What type of problem are you having?” He adjusted the chair to fit his height.

  I frowned. I wasn’t that short.

  It took five minutes to run down the problems we’d been experiencing. “So can you fix it?”

  “I’ll have to run a diagnostic on the system and check each terminal before I can tell what’s going on. It’s possible you’ve got a virus, or,” he studied the computer set up, “your system is outdated and can no longer handle the work load.”

  That was not the news I wanted. My father wouldn’t be pleased either.

  He glanced at his watch. “It’s going to be a while; you might want to grab lunch. Leave me your number, and I’ll call when I’ve got my diagnosis.”

  What the hell? Was he kicking me out of my own office?

  My jaw clenched, I breathed deeply, and exhaled slowly. I didn’t know this man, and he didn’t know me. Did he assume he could just waltz in here and take over my office?

  No way in hell was that about to happen. I paid him; he worked for me.

  I crossed my arms and glared. He stared back with hazel eyes that shouted intelligence beneath those black frames. They were gorgeous.

  “It’s not time for my break,” I said firmly. “I’ll wait.” With that said I sat in a chair in the corner of my office and crossed my legs. My skirt hiked up a few inches exposing my thigh.

  His eyes broke our challenging stare, and he glanced at my legs. About damn time he noticed.

  “Suit yourself.” He turned back to the screen and began keying in code, tuning me out as if I didn’t exist.

  Well, damn.

  Chapter 25

  “Doctor Lofton, are you sure?”

  “Ebony, go home. There’s nothing you can do. Nala is being taken care of.” The head vet led me out of the clinic and pointed in the direction of my locker.

  “Please call me if”

  “If anything changes, I’ll call you. Go home and get some rest. You need it.”

  The clinic door closed firmly in my face. As much as I wanted to keep a watchful eye on the orangutan, what Dr. Lofton said rang true; I was exhausted. Spending the weekend in the overnight room on a cot and taking showers in the staff bathroom had not been the best place to rest.

  Then again, I barely got rest at home.

  I cleaned out my locker and headed for my car.

  The last three months were taking their toll. Nightmares plagued me. Coffee and five-hour energy drinks kept me on my feet. Neither was good for my health. I even managed to lose a few pounds.

  My grades were slipping and the three-point-nine GPA I’d maintained for the past seven years dropped a point.

  To my dismay, I found myself thinking about the offer Dr. Jacobs made months ago when everything was right in my little world. Though I’m sure at this point the terms would have changed. Although I hadn’t threatened him in any way, I still could, and therefore secure the position of Veterinarian Technician in the spring.

  As sick as the thought of stooping to his level made me feel, the idea of losing everything I’d worked for over the last seven years made me sicker.

  The last couple of months changed my entire outlook on life and left me a hermit in my own home. Keeping the secret of my rape wore me down.

  With Brian gone and me avoiding my friends, caring for Nala became my lifeline, the one thing grounding me in a life that became one big fat lie. It seemed as if I lied to everyone around me.

  ‘Busy, but okay,’ became my typical response when Kaitlyn asked.

  Though I never outright lied to Yasmine, it was failure by omission when she talked about her relationship with Javan, and I remained silent.

  And I lied to Brian by using work and school as an excuse for feeling down.

  Brian. As much as it hurt lying to him, he was the one thing keeping me from giving up and moving back to North Carolina.

  The bright spot in my life was the fact he’d return home in a few days. No more waiting to hold him, smell him, or feel him lying next to me. Knowing Brian loved me was not enough. Nothing replaced seeing it in his eyes, feeling it in his touch.

  I needed him desperately.

  But the need brought fear. Fear that he’d somehow find out about the rape. Fear Javan’s threats would come true. Fear Brian would leave me.

  I could not dwell on that thought.

  When I arrived home, my roommates’ cars were in the driveway. That was odd. Normally, Yasmine arrived home after I did and Kaitlyn came last. As an assistant costume designer for a T.V. show, she worked long days, traveling for costume fittings or purchasing new pieces.

  If they were both here, something had to be wrong.

  I closed the door behind me. “Kaity, Yaz? Where are you?”

  “In the kitchen,” Kaitlyn replied.

  I dropped my book bag down in the living room. The aroma of Mexican food greeted me from the kitchen.

  “Surprise!” they yelled in unison.

  “What’s going on?”

  Yasmine stood at the counter, a bottle of Tequila in one hand and a daiquiri mix in the other. Ice sat in the blender on the counter.

  Kaitlyn sat at the table spooning portions of takeout food onto plates. “Girls’ Night of course, what else?” she said in her Texas twang.

  “Don’t even think about saying no. We took off work early for this. No excuses. I don’t care if you’ve got a project due tomorrow and you haven’t done a thing to get started. Which is highly unlikely though.” Yasmine paused, started the blender, and then sipped her concoction. “Damn, that’s good.” She filled three empty glasses before continuing. “Tonight is about us women and everything feminine.”

  “Right,
Yaz is gonna do pedis and manicures. I’ve picked out these cute little outfits for us. Don’t laugh, they’re supposed to be crazy lookin’,” Kaitlyn said.

  For the first time, I paid attention to their attire. Tank tops, booty shorts, and flip-flops. Hawaiian leis were on their necks and ridiculously large sombreros were on their heads. Yasmine wore a pair of extra-large sunglasses around her neck.

  “Before you say a thang,” Kaitlyn continued, “I know you’re wonderin’ where your fabulous outfit is. Check your bed. Go on, go change, we’ll be waitin’ on ya.” She made a shooing motion with her hands.

  “But”

  “This daiquiri is not going to stay frozen forever. Hurry up, girl,” Yasmine added.

  I shook my head. Hanging with the girls doing silly stuff at home had been a monthly tradition since college. I couldn’t remember the last time we’d done it. Despite my efforts to evade their questions for the past three months, I missed this. Maybe, just this once it would be okay to let my guard down and pretend everything was normal. No matter what all went on in my life, I still had my friends. And soon I would have Brian again.

  The sting of excitement brewed in my chest. I ran upstairs to change into my crazy get up.

  They laughed upon my arrival into the kitchen; it immediately felt like old times. We ate, drank, danced, and cleaned up the kitchen while listening to music. For the life of me, I couldn’t remember the last time we’d had this much fun.

  The next phase of the evening turned to watching movies. Over the years we’d collected a vast amount of romantic comedies. Since we could never agree on what to watch, we’d devised a system in which we picked a number. The highest number and corresponding DVD would be the winner. Tonight’s selection, Fools Rush In.

  None of us really watched the movie, since we’d seen it more than fifty times. Instead, we sipped on our third round of daiquiris while taking turns getting our nails done. Before long, men became the subject for the evening.

  “Luke’s a pretty good guy. He is so tall I have to stand on a box to kiss him,” Kaitlyn said.

  “What happened to Justin?” I asked.

  Both women looked at me. “Uh, we broke up two months ago. Girl, you’ve been in a whole ’nother world,” Kaitlyn replied. “But I understand. It won’t be long before Brian’s back.”

  “I can’t wait.” I felt the dreamy smile spread across my face. They laughed.

  The drinks were definitely working their magic. For the first time in months I acted like my old self.

  “Speaking of which,” Yasmine said, “I’m planning an anniversary party for me and Javan.”

  “What?” Kaitlyn asked in surprise.

  My mouth went dry. Anniversary? They were still together? I was sure my expression echoed Kaitlyn’s statement.

  “How long have you guys been goin’ out?” she asked.

  “Next week will be eight months.” Yasmine peered down in her glass, as her voice lowered. “I think it’s turning into something serious.”

  I was unable to keep my mouth closed as it fell open. Bile began boiling in my stomach. Oh, no…

  “As crazy as it sounds, I’m in love with him. I said it would never happen again, but it has.”

  Kaitlyn looked on in awe. “Wow, I thought he was just a straight hit and get it guy.”

  Yasmine burst out laughing. “Kaity, that sounds so crazy coming from you.”

  “What? I’ve been around you guys long enough to get hip.” She added a neck roll to punctuate her statement.

  The conversation became background noise to my thoughts.

  This wasn’t right. Yasmine wasn’t supposed to love him. Her standard operating procedure was sleep with a guy for a few months, dump him, and move on. Why was she still with him? I banked on, no, counted on, her leaving him. If that happened, he would be out of my life as much as possible. So what if Javan was Brian’s roommate? I could avoid going to his house and dealing with him. I could avoid being in the place where my life changed for the worst. After all, Brian said he intended to move when he got back.

  But I could not avoid seeing him at my home. And I would not stand by and watch my friend continue to

  “Marriage may be in the works.”

  Kaitlyn squealed and leaned over the sofa to give her a congratulatory hug.

  Maintaining as much composure as possible, I excused myself, moved quickly down the hall, and emptied the contents of the evening’s festivities in the toilet.

  Chapter 26

  Visiting my gynecologist had never been one of my favorite things to do. Sitting on the cold piece of paper wearing nothing but a glorified paper towel did not make me comfortable or keep me warm, even while wearing socks.

  The walls in the room felt like they were closing in on me. I never had more than one physical a year. The reasons that led me here again made me nervous.

  A knock on the door announced the doctor’s arrival.

  “Ms. Campbell, it’s good to see you.” She smiled warmly and shook my hand before turning her attention to the file she held. “It seems you were here in August and tested for STDs. All of your lab work came back negative.” Her eyebrows scrunched. “And now you want to be tested again? I applaud your willingness to monitor your health, but this is odd. You’ve been my patient for the past five years; you’ve never needed more than the normal screenings.” She flipped through my file again.

  I sat quietly, fiddling with my fingertips.

  “You’re also requesting a pregnancy test.” Her eyebrows rose in question, studying me intently. “As your doctor, I have to ask, is everything okay?”

  Good question, one I wanted to avoid. After the rape, when I got screened, my first thought was to visit a free clinic where testing would be anonymous. No unnecessary questions, no evidence of what happened left behind in my permanent file. If the results were negative, it would be as if nothing ever happened.

  But reasoning prevailed. Seeing my doctor made sense. She knew my medical history and would know immediately if something were wrong.

  “Dr. Chambers, I’m fine, thanks for asking. There was a …accident a few months back…”

  “Accident as in broken condom?”

  The memory of the last night with Brian made me smile. “Lack of would be more like it.”

  On both occasions. My smile faded at the thought of Javan.

  “Hmm. What about your partner? Has he been tested?”

  “Brian? We talked about it before we slept together; he’s clean. He’s a good man. Plus, I’ve always been selective.” My words were passionate.

  Dr. Chambers didn’t fail to notice. She made notes on my file. “You’re not on birth control. All you use are condoms?” She glanced up at me.

  I nodded. “I was supposed to come in to talk about using an IUD, but my schedule has been hectic.”

  “We can cover that when we’re done with the physical.” She added another note. “Any missed periods? Difference in bleeding?”

  I hesitated. “A little. My last two periods haven’t come exactly on time and have been lighter than usual.” That alone made me paranoid beyond belief.

  “We’ll do the pregnancy test in a few minutes. Let’s check your vitals.” She put my file on the counter, picked up her stethoscope.

  Eyes, heart, lungs, reflexes, and breasts exam followed; Dr. Chambers took her profession seriously.

  “Okay, put your feet in the stirrups.”

  I complied.

  “Any recent sexual activity?”

  “No.”

  I stared at the ceiling and listened as Dr. Chambers washed her hands and put on sterile gloves. She sat on the small stool at the end of the examination table. The crank of the forceps made me tense.

  I gritted my teeth as the exam continued in silence. It lasted only a minute but felt like hours.

  She removed the forceps. The snap of the gloves irritated my ears. Water splashed in the small sink while the smell of soap and hand sanitizer filled the air.
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  I removed my feet from the stirrups, glad this part of the exam had ended.

  “Ebony,” she paused. “You’ve got signs of vaginal tearing. It’s healed, but... Were you raped?”

  My eyes went wide. My first reaction: deny, deny, deny. Embarrassment followed.

  “I…no, I…”

  She patted my knee. “It’s okay.” She retrieved tissue for watering eyes that betrayed my secret. “Was it your boyfriend?” Her voice remained gentle as she sat back down on the stool.

  “No, please, don’t…” I begged when she reached for my file again. She put it down. “No, Brian would never…”

  “Do you know who raped you?”

  I hung my head, unable to meet her concerned gaze. “Yes.”

  “Have you filed a”

  “No!” Dr. Chambers watched, but didn’t seem surprised. “No,” I said again, in a calmer voice. “I can’t file a report. It was my fault.”

  “Rape is never your fault, Ebony. If you were having sex with someone, even if it’s your boyfriend, and you change your mind, it would still not be your fault.”

  “I shouldn’t have been there…” Every ounce of guilt that had been packed away came barreling down on me. Tears that disappeared months ago flooded back and ran down my face.

  “Still not your fault,” she repeated her voice stern. “Have you told anyone what happened?”

  I shook my head and dried my eyes. “You’re the only one who knows. Not even my boyfriend.”

  She waited a beat before speaking. “Do you plan on telling him?”

  “I can’t…it’s complicated.”

  Her eyebrows furrowed. “Have you had sex with him since the rape?” Genuine concern showed in her eyes. It felt good having someone to talk to, even if I wasn’t sharing everything.

  “No. He’s been out of town for the last couple of months, working. This happened after he left.” I sighed heavily; the tissue in my hands nearly shredded. “He’ll be back soon. I don’t know if I can handle sleeping with him.”