A Heart Not Easily Broken (The Butterfly Memoirs)

by M. J. Kane

  Dr. Chambers nodded. “Don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with. To be honest, Ebony, you need to tell him. If you keep it to yourself, he’ll never know there’s a problem. Keeping it inside won’t help you recover mentally or physically.” She patted my knee again then gave me privacy while I was getting dressed. A few minutes later a nurse came in to collect samples for my tests.

  I knew deep in my heart what my doctor said was true. It would be impossible to be with Brian again without sex being involved. After being apart for three months, he’d made clear how much he wanted me.

  There were no valid excuses to buy myself time. My period wouldn’t be due for a few more weeks. Not knowing what would happen between us made me wary.

  Dr. Chambers handed me several pamphlets when she returned. “Look over these.”

  I read the titles; they were about recovering from rape. I opened my mouth to protest, but she held up a hand.

  “How you handle this is your business. What you’ve told me was in doctor/patient confidentiality. Your life doesn’t seem to be in danger, and you’re not a threat to yourself or anyone else. I don’t know how you’re coping with this, but I strongly suggest you seek counseling. You can’t hold it in forever, Ebony. If seeing a counselor makes you uncomfortable, confide in someone close to you. You need to seek help or else it could affect your health. As it is, your blood pressure is elevated. The pregnancy test results are negative. Stress is probably what’s affecting your period. You need to remove as much stress from your life as possible. Your mental and emotional health is just as important as your physical health.”

  Counseling.

  I stuffed the pamphlets in my purse. I would review them in the privacy of my bedroom.

  It felt good telling Dr. Chambers and not being judged. Talking to a professional could be a good thing, but seeing one would mean an obvious change in my routine. Brian’s return would make it hard to explain absences without lying and saying nothing was wrong.

  But something was wrong. He just didn’t need to know about it.

  Ever.

  There were five days until his return.

  Three days until the results of my STD test came back.

  Please, God, let everything still be okay.

  ***

  Brian waited on the other side of that door. The man I loved and desperately wanted to be with.

  The man I hid secrets from.

  My heart raced as I shifted the overnight bag in my hand.

  When Brian told me of his plans for the weekend, I’d nearly screamed for joy. The idea of seeing him again made my heart soar.

  Until I thought about how much Brian looked forward to having sex. He’d made his intentions clear on the phone. My moment of euphoria took a nosedive, crashed, and burned.

  Our reunion should have been fraught with happiness, joy, and sex- mad, crazy, wild, happy-to-see-you-and-baby-did-I-miss-you sex. Instead, sex was the last thing I wanted to think about, yet the only thing I could think about.

  My test came back clean; no STDs. As grateful as I was for the information, it didn’t mean I was ready for the intimacy Brian expected.

  The doorknob twisted and a second later, he appeared. Tall, tanned, and wearing a five o’clock shadow. His hair had grown longer; the blond curls rested at the nape of his neck.

  But his eyes, those deep wells of ocean blue, pulled me in hard and fast; I could hardly breathe.

  “Ebony…”

  He took two steps and lifted me off the ground. My bag slipped from my fingers and dropped to the floor as he carried me into the room. The door closed heavily behind us. His kisses rained over my face, my mouth, and my neck.

  “I’ve missed you, baby.” His mouth met mine in a kiss that melted the ice that had formed in my veins since the night of my attack. “Are you crying?” His fingers wiped gently across my cheeks.

  I could hear the concern in his voice and see it in his eyes.

  “I don’t know whether to laugh or cry,” I stuttered.

  Not true, I wanted to cry. A lot. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and confess every lie told. I wanted to hear him say everything would be okay, and he would never leave me. I wanted to tell him about my ordeal, so he could help me survive.

  But I couldn’t.

  Brian smoothed hair from my face, chuckled, and kissed me again. He took my hand and led me to the edge of the bed. Every nerve in my body tensed. My heart raced and my hands shook. He wanted to make love…could I handle it?

  He sat on the edge of the bed, pulled me into his lap, and held me tight. His arms were strong and felt like home. His head rested on my shoulder. He wasn’t rushing; this was pure, physical contact. This I could handle. This I needed.

  I rested my cheek against his soft curls. His damp hair smelled of shampoo. His cologne, the sexy, male scent he wore, called to me. My Brian was home.

  “I didn’t know I would miss you so much,” he whispered.

  “Me neither.”

  He looked up into my eyes. His finger traced the side of my jaw.

  All I saw was love. The man I’d yearned for, wanted, and needed was back in my life. My world had teetered back and forth for months as I tried to find some form of balance. Yet just looking into his eyes made it all right.

  I no longer questioned or felt fear. Just love, pure love, want, and desire. How could I deny what he deserved?

  “Make love to me.” The words came effortlessly.

  As if he’d been waiting for my queue, Brian gave me what I asked for. He kissed me deeply, passionately…slowly.

  Love and longing sent my heart racing. Heat my body hadn’t felt since our last night together washed over me, solidifying my need to be with him.

  Rough fingers that knew my body well unbuttoned my shirt. “I’ve missed these,” he murmured, his fingers slid over the exposed swell of my breasts. Lips and mouth followed as he lowered the cups of my bra.

  I closed my eyes and let my head fall back, reveling in the contact of hot mouth and fingertips. For the first time in months, I allowed myself to relax, for my body to be touched, stroked…loved.

  After Javan’s vicious attack...

  Oh, no, please, not now…

  Images of that night began to emerge. Pain. Vulnerability. Helplessness.

  The memory threatened to break my vow of silence. My heart now raced for a completely different reason.

  “Baby, what’s wrong?” He stopped kissing me. The lust in his eyes turned to concern as he massaged my back. “You’re tense. Did I hurt you?”

  I blinked my eyes and forced myself back to the present. I was here, in a hotel room with Brian. This wasn’t three months ago, this was now.

  I forced the thoughts of the past from my mind and centered on the man who watched me with love and genuine concern.

  I could do this. I could exorcise the past and be the woman Brian left behind. I wanted to be…I needed to be.

  Instead of answering, I stood, pushed off my shirt and unhooked my bra. Partially naked, I straddled him. Brian’s gaze traveled down at my newly exposed skin. He wasted no time pulling his shirt over his head. His smooth sun-kissed skin begged for my attention. Heat flashed in his eyes when I pushed him back on the bed. Inch-by-inch I ravaged him with teeth and tongue.

  “Ah…that feels so good…baby…protection…we need…” he managed to say in between his sounds of pleasure.

  I forced my mouth away from his flesh and stood to remove his pants. Even though I’d worked out the details of birth control with my doctor, I wasn’t about to skip this step again. The pain of my decision months ago still lingered and would never go away. “Where?”

  “My bag…in the chair…”

  I followed the line of his arm, willing myself over to the bag and emptied its contents on the floor. Prize in hand, I tossed it over to him and shimmied out of jeans while he moved farther up the bed, his eyes intent on me.

  “I’ve seen a lot of women while away, Ebony. None of them ar
e as beautiful as you,” he said while sliding the condom in place. “Come here, baby.”

  Naked, I crawled up the length of his body. My eyes were on his as I straddled him and guided him home.

  There was pain. Pain from not having sex in three months. Pain from the healed flesh inside of me.

  My body wasn’t as ready as it needed to be to accept him, but I didn’t care. I needed him. The feel of him, the firmness of him against me, inside of me, made me whole.

  Brian had no idea of the whirlpool of emotions surging inside of me, yet he moved slowly, caressing my back, my hips and thighs. He reached up to brush fallen hair out of my face. Then our eyes met, silently communicating what we wanted as our bodies moved in unison.

  Pain slowly gave way to pleasure, as I focused on the here and now. On the softness of his touch, the urgent need of his kiss, and the blessed feeling as he filled the very heart of me.

  “Baby, let me…” His grip on my hips tightened as he moved to roll me on my back.

  “No, like this,” I planted my hands beside his head, and leaned down to kiss him while holding him in place.

  He wanted to take charge of our lovemaking; his urge to push deep inside me obvious on his face. But I wasn’t ready for that. Even though we were making love, having him tower over me would bring back the memory of…

  No, not again.

  I needed the control. In the past, our lovemaking was about desire and need. Rough and hard, even when we started off slow. Brian was an amazing lover. Even though he may have wanted more, he seemed to sense my need to take things slow and didn’t push to change positions.

  I sat up, rested my hands on his smooth chest, and rocked harder, faster. The shift of my body, forcing him deeper, made us both cry out in pleasure.

  “God, Ebony… I love you.” He gripped me tighter and pushed up to give me everything he had.

  When I came, there were tears in my eyes. He followed right behind me, his eyes focused on me.

  This is what had been missing. My physical healing had been over long ago. Maybe now my emotional healing could begin.

  I melted down onto his chest and nestled in the warmth of his body. His arms came around me and held firm. We lay connected, neither one of us moved.

  My lips grazed his throat. “I love you, too, Brian. I’m glad you’re home.” I wiped the silent flow of tears.

  He kissed me. “I promise never to leave you like that again.” His words were gentle despite the conviction in his voice.

  “No, Brian. Don’t promise me you won’t leave again because it’s not fair. If another opportunity like this comes up, you take it.” I poked him in the chest with my fingernail.

  “Ow.” He rubbed the newly red spot.

  I sat up to look him directly in the eye and wiped my face. “Promise me, Brian. Don’t give up on something you’ve been working for since before we met. Don’t give up your dream because of me.”

  Brian’s eyes widened. “Ebony, I don’t want”

  “I don’t want you to jeopardize your career. You’d end up hating me in the end.”

  He pulled me back down to his chest. “There’s no way I’d hate you. How about a compromise? We’ll talk it over first. I didn’t do it this time, and the guilt nearly killed me. In the end, the decision will be mine.” A finger ran down my cheek. “You’re part of my life. What I do affects you, too. Just like your decisions affect me. If your job needs you to go away, believe me baby, I will support you.”

  I swallowed hard. He had no idea how much his statement rang true. My secret would go with me to the grave; no way would I let my mistake ruin his life. Besides, I’d handled it this long.

  “That’s fair,” I conceded, my throat dry.

  He smiled and kissed me again.

  I would never get enough of his kisses or listening to the rhythm of his heart.

  “Tell me about it, Brian.” I shifted off of him and snuggled in his arms. During his time away, he’d told me numerous stories about his experiences, both good and bad. Right now, hearing his voice soothed me.

  My head bounced as his chest moved when he laughed. “Didn’t you hear enough of those stories?”

  “Yeah, but tell me again.”

  Brian angled his head and looked at me skeptically. “If it will make you happy…”

  I was beyond happy. We were together again, and I was in his arms in a room that smelled like…roses.

  For the first time, I noticed my surroundings. Roses, dozens of them red, pink, and yellow lined the dresser, the nightstand, and the table. Even the bed had red and yellow rose petals scattered across the sheets.

  We’d made love on a bed of roses.

  The room was a pale shade of burgundy accented with antique furniture, a deep mahogany, and fit the room perfectly. We lay in a king-sized bed; its headboard nearly reached the ceiling.

  And on the nightstand next to the bed was a metal bucket filled with ice and an unopened bottle of what appeared to be champagne. Next to it sat a big box of my favorite chocolate.

  Even though the sun still shown outside, the shades were drawn, and candles burned brightly around the room. The lights led a pathway to the bathroom where more candles illuminated the giant bathtub.

  My heart swelled. “Oh, Brian…”

  He stopped talking. “What’s wrong? You’re crying again.” He knuckled away my tears.

  “It’s beautiful, the room. I didn’t realize it before.”

  “Well, you were crying then, too. I know it’s too soon, but this is the honeymoon suite.” Worry showed in his eyes again. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  I stared deep into his eyes. So many emotions ran through me. Happiness, fear, joy, and sadness. “Yes, I’m okay.”

  I prayed I would never have to lie to him again.

  Chapter 27

  “I’m okay.”

  Then why did it sound like a lie?

  From the moment Ebony arrived, she’d been crying. I suspected something was wrong for months. But what?

  Ebony never gave me the impression of being needy or clingy. She was strong and independent with a good head on her shoulders. Why the sudden change?

  It still irritated me that she had refused my help before I left. Some of the women in my past would have jumped at the opportunity. I didn’t get it. Why would she think my helping her would be an inconvenience? Didn’t she know how much I loved her? How much I wanted to take care of her? I made my intentions clear.

  We’d been together for nearly five months. We’d just scratched the surface of each other’s lives. A typical relationship would mean we would know more about each other than we did right now; but our relationship wasn’t typical.

  While I was away, a part of me worried she would one day refuse my calls. Nothing, not even how good the sex was, required her to wait for me.

  I risked everything we’d built when I accepted the job. I never asked how she felt about me leaving her behind. I assumed everything would work out, because it’s what I wanted.

  The opportunity of a lifetime.

  But love, true love, only happened once.

  Did my decision to leave cause the change?

  What I felt was real, and she seemed to feel the same way. We’d talked every day I was gone. I’d faithfully deposited money in her account every week, even when she said she didn’t need it.

  I looked over at the love of my life as she slept. Ebony had no idea how beautiful she was. This was the image I took to bed with me every night while away. This is what I thought of when woman followed me around at the after parties or hung around backstage offering sex in order to get closer to the artist we played for.

  Two weeks into the tour, I stopped counting how many women sneaked into my bedroom with offers I ordinarily wouldn’t refuse. Nobody could take Ebony’s place. Losing her because of some stupid one-night-stand would not be worth it.

  Now we were together again.

  Why the hell was I paranoid?

  For the l
ast couple of months, I’d been asking her to tell me what bothered her. It always seemed to be work, school, or that damn orangutan. I wasn’t buying it. If Ebony had a problem with me leaving and told me, we could deal with it in the open. Holding it in only built pent up anger.

  But now that I was home and could see her in the flesh, there was no way for her to avoid telling me how she really felt. I learned to read her body language during our first few dates. There would be no way for her to continue to hide what bothered her.

  I was ready and willing to work through any problem she threw at me. All she needed to do was tell me the truth. We had two days to spend in our own world, thanks to Yasmine. There would be plenty of time to catch up. When we went home, I would know the truth.

  Ebony shifted in the bed, deep in sleep. During the course of the evening, she’d fallen into a deep slumber, as I’d never seen. For the longest time, she’d held me as if she was afraid I’d leave and never return. I replaced my body with the pillow my head had been resting on to go to the bathroom. She looked peaceful when I returned. I pulled on a pair of jeans and walked down the hall to retrieve more ice to keep the champagne chilled.

  When I returned she hadn’t moved an inch. Her naked body lay exposed for my viewing pleasure. So I stepped back to appreciate every curvy inch. Her caramel skin was as soft and smooth as I’d remembered, though she’d seemed a little slimmer. The sexy fragrance she wore mixed with her own natural scent, called to my primal urge to claim her. Not just as my lover, but as my woman, my wife.

  But Ebony was not mine to own. She gave herself willingly; I appreciated that more than I could ever explain.

  I loved her mind and spirit the most. Ebony’s desire to work hard to achieve her goals was a quality to admire. Her selfless support was a trait not easily found in goal-oriented women.

  No woman from my past would ever compare. I honestly didn’t think another one ever could.

  Almond shaped brown eyes peered up from the pillow she clung to. “Mmm…I didn’t mean to sleep.” She yawned and rolled over on her back. Her chocolate covered nipples had my mouth watering. Damn she was distracting.