I Never Planned on You

by Stefanie Jenkins

  “Oh sorry, didn’t see ya there. Have you been standing there long?” he replies.

  “No, I just got off the phone with mama dukes.” I take a seat next to him and see a younger version of him and Emmett in a tux—prom maybe?

  I can’t help but let out a laugh.

  “Dude, what the fuck is in your hair? Is that shit flammable?”

  “Fuck off,” he says, punching me in the arm. He laughs and turns back to the TV. “That used to take me an hour to perfect the rolled-out-of-bed look.”

  On the screen, Zach keeps adjusting his collar, and he looks like he might want to be anywhere but there. Emmett playfully shoves Zach. “Knock it off, dude. Melissa isn’t going to stand you up. She should be here soon.”

  “Ha! I’m not worried about that. She’ll be here. She wouldn’t miss what I have planned for us after prom, if you know what I mean.” He elbows Em and winks. Wow, my best friend, everyone. Emmett playfully pushes Zach, shaking his head.

  “Un-freakin-believable. Keep it in your pants, Jacobs.”

  “Whatever. I know you have something planned. Don’t act like you don’t. Just keep that shit to yourself.”

  They both laugh as he tries to shove him back. Emmett is bigger than Zach and he barely moves.

  There is a throat clearing in the background of the video, and they stop their shoving contest to turn their attention toward the front porch of the house. Standing there is a younger version of Dani, the one I’m used to seeing in photos. Wow, she is beautiful, absolutely stunning.

  “Dani, wave to the camera,” I hear an adult male voice say. Sounds like its Mr. Jacobs’s voice.

  “Dad, you’re embarrassing me,” she says. “Can’t you point that thing somewhere else?”

  The camera quickly turns to show another couple. Oh shit! That’s Haylee. Look at her all dolled up.

  “That guy was such a douche bag. I can’t believe she went with him.” Zach leans his elbows on his knees and runs his fingers through his hair. He exhales a loud breath. “This is so stupid. I need to talk to her.”

  After a moment, the camera goes back to Dani. Sporting a smile from ear to ear, a smile she no longer wears, the camera zooms out and I see the reason for her smile. Emmett is walking up the front porch steps carrying a corsage.

  “You look gorgeous, baby.” He then dips her into a deep kiss. That’s pretty ballsy to kiss his girl like that in front of her parents. Emmett places the corsage on her wrist. I really didn’t think she could smile any bigger, but I was wrong. Fuck what I wouldn’t give to be able to see that smile in real life. She smiles sometimes, but it’s a sad smile, mainly forced. Dani and Emmett pose for a few photos. They look so happy, the poster couple for young love.

  The song I didn’t recognize earlier begins to play in the background.

  “What song is that?”

  “‘Forever’ by the Beach Boys. It was their song.” Zach doesn’t even take his eyes off the screen. I notice he is focused on the background and not his sister and Em slow dancing in the front yard. I totally see what Zach was talking about with the grossly cute shit. He’s right, he is not that bad, but pretty close.

  The video zooms in on them. “I love you, Cupcake.”

  He looks at her like she is his entire world. She looks right back at him with the same look.

  “Forever and always,” she responds before she kisses him.

  We are in the zone when we hear a loud noise. “What the fuck are you doing?” I hear Dani scream. Her voice causes us both to turn our heads toward her.

  “I said, what the fuck are you doing? How dare you,” she spits out at her brother. Tears are freely streaming down her cheeks. I look over at Zach, who balls his fists together. I have a feeling shit is about to hit the fan. Dani stomps over to her brother, demanding the remote to turn the video off. He refuses to give it to her or turn it off.

  “How dare I? Are you kidding me right now? How dare you!” Zach rises to his feet. “You act like you’re the only one to have ever lost someone they love. You think you’re the only one who lost someone that day? I lost my best friend, Haylee lost a brother, Natalie and Brian lost a son. I am so sorry that you lost the love of your life, I truly am, but what about the rest of us?”

  I have never seen my best friend this angry. He is pacing the living room and running his fingers through his hair.

  “Fuck! Danielle, I didn’t just lose Em that day—I lost you too. I lost my sister. Haylee lost her best friend. We needed you and you were so fucking selfish living in your own world that you cut us all out too. We were all grieving, but you didn’t care—it didn’t matter. For fuck’s sake, Dani, you fucking abandoned us! You just left us behind to put back the pieces of our broken world and try to move on. Do you think that’s been easy?! I miss him—I miss him every godforsaken day. He was my best friend, my brother. Some days I have to just force myself out of bed in hopes that when I walk into the kitchen I’ll see him sitting at the island drinking out of that ridiculous Batman mug, that when my phone chimes it’s a text from him seeing if I want to get a beer after work, or that I would’ve gotten a chance to give a kick-ass best man speech at yours and his wedding so that I could spill all the stupid embarrassing things over the years. I started planning that speech at thirteen because somewhere deep down I knew you two were the real deal. Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?”

  I don’t want to look over at Dani, but I’m afraid that if I don’t she may just disappear into thin air. I quickly glance at her; I’m not even sure if she’s breathing right now. I want to go comfort her, but I can’t move. I need to let Zach get this out and remember this isn’t my place to do that. I rise from the couch and walk into the kitchen to give them space. Zach’s voice is loud enough that I can still hear him clearly in the other room.

  “I can’t say that I know what you’re going through because I don’t know exactly, but I hurt too. You can’t even say his name. Emmett. Say it… Em-mett.” He makes sure to enunciate each syllable.

  “You, Dani, are still here. For some fucking reason that I’m still trying to figure out, he isn’t. He was denied all his dreams and plans. He wouldn’t want you to be living this bullshit excuse for a life that you are. He would want you to live, to move on. You can do that without forgetting. I do it every. Fucking. Day. You say you want to start over and move on, but look at you—have you even gone home to see Mom and Dad, visit the cemetery, or hell, even call Haylee? Yeah, I didn’t fucking think so. So, dear sweet sister, if you want to talk about selfish, I suggest you look in a fucking mirror.” I hear him walk to grab his keys followed by the slamming of the front door.

  I wait three seconds…and return to the living room. Dani is no longer there. Oh shit, did she leave too? I didn’t hear the front door close twice. Walking toward her room, I see that the door is opened a little, and I can hear her sobbing on the bed. Fuck, what do I do? I shoot a text to Zach to make sure he’s okay.

  ME: You okay, man?

  ME: Please don’t do something stupid.

  ZACH: Yeah, I needed to get out of there. Sorry to blow up like that. I’m heading over to Haylee’s. I’ll be back later or maybe in the morning. Idk.

  Okay, one Jacobs checked on. Against my better judgment, I push Dani’s door open a little and walk into her room. There are lots of boxes still not unpacked, some open with clothes hanging out. Guess she wasn’t sure how long she would be staying. Without saying a word, I walk over to the side of her bed and sit down. She is facing away from me, gripping a photo frame that I’m pretty sure is safe to assume is a photo of Emmett.

  I sit on the edge of the bed and place my hand on her shoulder. We aren’t that close—hell, we only met two weeks ago—but it’s breaking my heart seeing her this upset. In the short amount of time I have known her, she has found her way into my heart somehow. I wait a few moments before I shift on the bed, planning to get up and give her some time to herself. She probably just wants to be left alone. She places her hand on mine t
o keep me in place. I nod, acknowledging I won’t go anywhere, even though I know she can’t see me. I take my hand from her shoulder and begin rubbing her back while she lets out what seems to be a nonstop flow of tears. When I hear her breathing even out, I assume she finally fell asleep. I decide to close my eyes and try to steady my breaths.

  I wake up a few hours later—shit, when did I fall asleep? I look over to the side of the bed where Dani was, and it’s empty. Where is she? Getting up from the bed, I walk quietly to the hallway. Zach’s door is closed, and I slowly open it to see my best friend still hasn’t returned. I see a light coming from the living room and hear voices. Man, I’m having a bit of déjà vu here from earlier today.

  Quietly, I walk to the living room but stand back so I can give Dani privacy. Crossing my arms and feet, I lean against the wall. On the screen, I see what looks to be Dani and Emmett at an ice rink. Is that Backstreet Boys playing in the background? I remember my sisters arguing who was better, them or *NSYNC. Personally, I don’t get the appeal or anything, but then again I’m a dude. Ha! Look at that little fucker, Zach, on the screen. Damn, I’m glad he grew out of that awkward stage. I’m not sure if I could be friends with him with all that gel shit.

  I can’t help but laugh out loud when I see young Dani and Emmett turn their heads when the camera moves to reveal Zach flat on his ass on the ice. With my laugh, Dani jumps and pauses the DVD.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were there.” She wipes tears from her eyes. Shit, how many tears is one person allowed in life because I feel like this girl has had her fill for a lifetime, maybe even two.

  “No, I’m sorry, I should’ve let you know I was there instead of standing there like a stalker. I’ll go to my room and leave you be.” As I go to turn, she quietly says, “No, please stay.”

  Turning back toward her, I walk to the couch and sit down. We watch more of the DVD in silence. Unsure what to say, I go with the first thing that pops in my head. “I’m sorry I didn’t get to meet him. I transferred to UPenn the semester after the accident. Zach and I had freshman English together and hit it off. Next thing I knew we were best friends. I eventually moved into the apartment. I’m not trying to replace him, you know.” Man, the words just keep spilling even though I try to tell my brain to shut the hell up. I don’t seem to have a filter for words or actions around this girl.

  Looking over at me with the saddest eyes, Dani just nods. Her eyes lock on mine. God, the hurt and pain she’s gone through in her young life is just unfair. The pain they all suffered, I would do anything to take that away. I’m not sure exactly how long we stare at each other, but our attention is drawn back to the video when we hear everyone sing Dani Happy Birthday.

  “There was no shortage of love, and Em was never embarrassed or held back how he felt even at only thirteen. I loved that about him so much…” She begins to choke on her words. I scoot over closer to her, wrap my arm around her, and rub her shoulders. She leans her head on my chest, and we sit in silence and finish watching the DVD.

  Still wrapped in my arms, her breathing evens out. I think she’s fallen asleep again. I wonder how many times she’s cried herself to sleep the past four years. It breaks my heart to think that she shut everyone out from her life. That she went through all of this alone and didn’t have someone here to hold her. I feel a weird sensation in my chest that I want to be the one to help her get through this. Does that make me an asshole? It’s possible, but there is something about this girl that makes me hurt that she’s hurting, or when I saw her smile in those videos, that made me smile too. Just being around her gives me peace. I kiss her temple and just hold her the rest of the night encased in my arms.

  T hump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

  I can hear the sounds of his heartbeat. I can feel the warmth of his arms surrounding me. I can feel the rising and lowering of his chest as he breathes, the hardness of his body pressed up against me. I lightly moan in appreciation that he is here with me as his arms tighten around me. That was the best sleep I’ve had in forever. It must have been because I was in his arms again. God it’s been so long.

  Wait, how is he here right now?

  I quickly jump up out of his arms and off the couch. That’s not Emmett—that’s Kyler.

  “Good morning,” he says in a raspy voice.

  Slowly he sits up and opens his eyes to find sheer terror on my face. I slept with another man.

  Standing, he touches my cheek with one hand. “Hey, nothing happened, we just fell asleep. Why don’t you see if Zach is back from Haylee’s and I’ll make us some coffee.”

  I nod. Wait, why would Zach be at Haylee’s? As if he can read my mind, a look of panic crosses his face.

  Just then the front door opens and there stands my brother. Before I can ask why he would be at Haylee’s, I see that he is not alone. He walks in holding hands with none other than my best friend, or possibly former, I’m not really sure. I’m not sure that she would forgive me for how awful I was for leaving.

  I look back at Kyler, then to Zach and Haylee and down to their hands. “Wait, why are you holding hands?”

  I’m not prepared for what comes out of Zach’s mouth next. Haylee grips onto his arm as if she is grounding him.

  “Dani…” He pauses and looks down at her. “Hails and I are together. We’ve been dating for almost three years. I was waiting for the right time to tell you.”

  I plop down on the couch in shock. Yep, definitely did not see that coming. Silence consumes the room. Zach and Haylee? My brother and his best friend’s sister? Zach and my best friend? Well, I guess hell has frozen over.

  Haylee comes over and kneels on the floor in front of me and grabs my hands. She smiles at me, but I can see tears in her eyes. “Hey, bestie, it’s been a while. About time you got your ass back here.”

  She then pulls me up into a hug. Kyler pulls on Zach’s arm and says, “We’ll be in the kitchen making coffee and breakfast and let the two of you catch up.”

  Still locked in Haylee’s embrace, I am hit with memories of growing up with her. Happy memories followed by the emptiness of her face at Em’s funeral. She rocked a blank expression for days, as did I. We were both empty and lost inside, and now she’s with my brother? Are they in love? I don’t even know where to begin, but for now I can feel her grip on me tighten. I hug her back. The past four years I have been without my best friend, and it’s been difficult, but I also feel as though if I had stayed it would have been more difficult. I wonder what it was like for her here, but it clearly couldn’t have been too bad if she found my brother.

  I pull back. “So you and Zach?”

  She blushes and smiles. I recognize that smile—it’s one I used to wear. Not something I was used to seeing on Haylee though. That smile says it all: she’s head over heels in love with my brother.

  She sits on the couch and pats the spot next to her for me to sit.

  I stare at the couch for a moment, the same couch Kyler and I had fallen asleep on, then take the seat next to her and pull my knees under me.

  “I’m sorry, Hails, I should have called. I should’ve…”

  How do I finish that statement? I should’ve kept in touch? I’m stuck in my own thoughts when Haylee finishes my sentence. “Never left.”

  Her words sting, but I know she is right. I hurt her—I hurt everyone when I left—but it had to be done for me. Losing Emmett, I knew I would be alone for the rest of my life, so it was inevitable that I would have to deal with it alone.

  “I don’t want to talk about that right now. Not before coffee at least,” Haylee says, “Remember Mom used to say nothing good happens after 2:00 a.m. and before morning coffee.”

  Zach delivers us mugs full of coffee. We both say thank you to him, and he kisses the top of Haylee’s head before he heads back into the kitchen. I readjust myself with my knees comfortably under me while Haylee pulls her feet up to sit Indian-style. It’s clear the way they both looked at each other that they aren’t just casua
lly dating or fucking but are actually in love.

  I can’t take the awkward silence anymore, but Haylee must have the same thought because she goes to speak the same time I do.

  “So you and Zach…”

  “So me and Zach…”

  We both giggle. I guess after all these years our brains are still in sync. Our moms use to joke that we shared the same brain because we were always known for saying the same thing or reaching for the same thing at the same time. I bite down on the side of my bottom lip. “You go first, Hails.”

  “Sure.” She looks toward the kitchen and smiles, hearing Zach and Kyler goofing off in the kitchen while supposedly making breakfast. I’ve never seen this smile on her before. She is 100 percent in love, and it’s weird that it’s with my brother. Although when I think about it, I guess it shouldn’t be too weird since the roles used to be reversed and she would watch me with the same look when I would look at her brother. But I mean, come on, this is Zach, the big manwhore in college—or well, at least he was in the first few months of his freshman year. I guess it’s possible that he changed.

  “So, I guess I should start from the beginning. When you left, Zach and I had both found ourselves in a darker place—we not only lost Emmett, but we also lost you. We didn’t have answers. We didn’t know where you were, if you were okay, or if you were even coming back. We had both lost our best friend, and yeah, I mean, you didn’t answer my texts or calls, so I mourned you as if you had died alongside Emmett, and it was so hard.”

  Her voice catches and I reach out to comfort her.

  “That summer, it was an adjustment for all. Zach stayed in Philly and I decided to stay local and attend UPenn instead of California. Zach and I found ourselves hanging out, seeking comfort in our friendship when he would come home. He even brought Ky back a few times. By the time I moved into the dorms, our friendship had blossomed into something new.”