I Never Planned on You

by Stefanie Jenkins

  “DAMN, DUDE, THESE ARE DELICIOUS,” Zach tells Kyler as he plucks his second cinnamon roll from the plate and shoves it in his mouth. Not even waiting till he is done chewing, he continues. “I can’t believe you’ve been holding out on me with your skills in the kitchen all these years.”

  “Zachary Brian Jacobs, I know I taught you better manners than to talk with your mouth full,” my mother scolds, earning an “Ooooooooooo” from me and Haylee at the same time followed by us giggling.

  “Nice to see you girls back to your ways,” my dad adds.

  Kyler grins at Zach. “Nah, man, I just had a good teacher.” He looks over at me and grins. “Dani even told me that next time she would teach me how to make that amazing veggie lasagna.”

  “Oh, now that sounds delicious.” Brian leans back in his chair across the table.

  “It’s no chicken Parmesan that Ms. Natalie makes, but it’s definitely a top contender.”

  Natalie leans over with her elbows on the table. “Dani, we’re all adults now—I think we are old enough that you can drop the Ms. and just call me Natalie.”

  “Okay.”

  “I’m happy to hear you’re still creating in the kitchen though.”

  “Of course, it’s my happy place. I found myself spending hours in my apartment creating new recipes and perfecting the ones you taught me over the years. I even used to make baked goods for two local coffee shops back in New Hampshire while I was waitressing.”

  “I’m not surprised.”

  “I would love to see these new recipes you’ve been working on.” My mom sits up straight in her chair, wiping her mouth with her napkin.

  “Maybe next time you guys can come visit us and I’ll make something.”

  “I’d love that.” Mom reaches over and touches my hand. Her hand seems so fragile. I finally notice the stress of the past few years has taken on my parents. When we were busy earlier with our reunion, I hadn’t noticed how much time had gotten away from me until I look over at my father again. His once brown hair is beginning to gray. My mother and father both look well above their age.

  As the conversation continues around me, I look around the room. Not much of the dining room has changed; in fact, the only difference seems to be an addition of various photos. As my eyes travel over the photos, I notice there are new ones of Zach and Haylee from the last four years, but the ones of Emmett and me all stop from age eighteen. It’s as if time stopped for us. In my parents’ and the Hankses’ world, it did. They all lost a child. I can’t imagine the pain either went/still goes through of not only losing a child in death but losing a child and not knowing where they are or if they are even alive. I only ever responded once just after I left, letting them know I was fine, but to go years without ever knowing anything, how are they still standing?

  I feel the room getting smaller, and I gasp for air. I push my chair back quickly, needing an escape for some air. I run straight out the back door onto the deck overlooking the backyard and pool. As soon as the Maryland air hits my face, I curl over with my hands on my knees and try to even my breathing. I close my eyes. Inhale. One. Two. Three. Exhale. One. Two. Three.

  I hear footsteps on the deck behind me, and a hand begins to rub my back.

  “It’s okay, sweetie. Deep breaths. Can you do that for me?” My mom continues to rub circles on my back as I squeeze my eyes shut and begin to get my breathing under control. I stand but hesitate before turning around to come face-to-face with my mother’s sad eyes. I fall into her arms and allow the overwhelming emotions to take over—the loss we endured, the pain I put my everyone through, the memories missed. It consumes me. I’m not sure how long my mother holds me when I back up and wipe my eyes.

  She cups my cheeks. “Come take a walk with me.”

  I follow my mother down by the pool, and she takes a seat on one of the lounge chairs. I stand there with my arms wrapped around my stomach. She pats the spot next to her on the lounge chair. I sit down, and she places her arm around my shoulder and I nestle into her side.

  “My beautiful Danielle. Want to tell me what’s going on?”

  “I’m sorry, Mama.”

  “For what? For a panic attack? You think I don’t know one when I see one?”

  “I…I…” I look up at her, both our eyes filled with unshed tears. I blink and allow them to run down my cheeks again.

  “Talk to me, Dani. Let me help you.”

  My sobs grow louder. “That’s just it. I should have let you help me. But instead, I ran. I’m so sorry, Mama. I was just so empty. I thought I was doing the right thing by leaving. I thought I could do it on my own. I hurt you all so much. And then I came back and expected everyone to hate me, but you all welcomed me with open arms as if I had just been away at college or out of town. No one was mad at me. But then I looked at the photos on the wall and time had stopped for Emmett and me, but it continued for everyone else. There were so many memories and events that I missed. I wasn’t here for Zach or Haylee when I should have been. I put you and Daddy through hell. I wasn’t strong enough to handle it. I’m still not strong enough.”

  My mother cuts me off. “Danielle Kathryn Jacobs, let’s get one thing straight. You’re correct—you did leave, and I wish I could say that it didn’t break me. It did, for a long time. It still hurts to think of you being alone and felt you had to cut ties with us. Some days I would just pretend you were away at college, but that almost made it worse when your brother would come home to visit, knowing that you would’ve been right there with him. I hated it.

  “But you listen to me and you listen good. Don’t you ever say you are not strong enough. You, my sweet girl, are strong. Do you know why?”

  I shake my head while wiping my eyes.

  “Because you did come home. That took great strength and courage to do that. You made amends with Haylee and Zach, you’re here with us. I know that it’s hard, trust me, I have just as many memories of you all here as you do. I love you and nothing that you do or say will ever change that.”

  Her arms tighten around me, and I collapse into her chest. We sit quietly as I allow my tears to slow.

  “God, I forgot how beautiful this view was here.”

  “Well, it wasn’t always this good. I needed something to occupy myself to keep from going on a manhunt to find you, so Natalie and I drove the men nuts redoing both of our backyards. But I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but damn it looks good, doesn’t it.”

  A quiet laugh escapes as I sit up. “Yeah, it does. I really am sorry.”

  “I know you are. Just remember you are here now. And our door is always open no matter what.”

  “Promise?”

  She places her forehead against mine. “I promise. Now what do you say we get back in there before your brother and Kyler have literally eaten everything including the kitchen sink. I don’t know where they all put it.”

  That is a true statement. No wonder they’re always at the gym. I have to cook double the amount of food because they eat as though they were eating for two.

  By the time we make our way back to the house, the dining room has been cleared. Mom heads into the kitchen, I assume with the rest of the grown-ups while I head to the couches where Haylee, Zach, and Kyler migrated. I take the empty seat beside Kyler. Zach and Haylee are having a side conversation of their own.

  My body is still full of tension as I process my mother’s words. I am strong. I am home.

  “Hey, you doing okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m good.” I slowly bring my gaze to Kyler’s. His lips curve upward. I return his smile, but I quickly divert my attention away from him. I focus on the soft material of the couch.

  I readjust myself on the couch, pulling my legs underneath me. My knees are leaning toward Kyler. He places his hand on my knee, giving it a gentle reassuring squeeze. Just with that tiny touch, the tension I have been holding on to finally releases, and I relax back into the couch.

  When I turn to join in on the ongoing conversatio
n, I see Haylee’s eyes focused on me. The rest of her expression is unreadable, but if I had to venture a guess, she may be catching on to whatever is going on between me and Kyler.

  “ARE you sure you can’t stay any later? You guys could even stay the night. We could spend tomorrow walking around downtown, maybe get some ice cream at Storm Brothers.”

  I pause, unsure how to politely decline. I know my mom just wants to spend more time with me after all this time.

  My panic subsides when I sense Kyler approach me from behind. “We really should be getting on the road. I have a day full of meetings Monday I need to prepare for.”

  “I promise I’ll be back and stay a long weekend,” I add. Baby steps, Dani.

  When my mother turns to hug Zach, I spin and mouth “thank you” to Kyler. He nods and winks at me before shaking my father’s hand.

  As I approach Natalie to say goodbye, she hugs me just as tight as she did when I arrived. “Now, if you try to leave again, I have no problem coming to kick your ass.” I laugh, but with the serious expression on her face I don’t think she is kidding.

  “You’d have to get in line,” Haylee adds as she hugs her mom.

  Mom swoops me into her arms. “Nat and I will come up, and we can all do a girls’ day like we used to.”

  “I look forward to it. I love you, Mama.”

  My mom’s arms squeeze me tighter. “Oh how I’ve dreamed of the day that I’d hear you say those words again. I love you, Dani girl.”

  I take an extra moment while hugging both of my parents. Today has been a lot to handle, but it’s at least a step in the right direction. It also helped having everyone there, including Kyler.

  As I walk out of my childhood home, I remember the emptiness I felt the last time I left. I wish I could say I didn’t still feel it, but now it doesn’t feel as deep. Making amends with everyone allows me to feel as though I can breathe for the first time. Coming home was the right decision.

  Kyler walks next to me down the steps and places his hand over my lower back as we walk toward his truck. He opens the back door on his side for me, and I pause as I get in, then lean in and kiss his cheek. He blushes, taking his palm to his cheek. “What was that for?”

  I smile at him, hoping he can see all the words I am trying to say with my eyes. “Thank you for coming with me today.”

  Before I allow him to respond, I hop in the back seat next to Haylee. He looks at me, unsure of what to say. I see a slight smile appear on his face as he closes the door and gets in his seat. I don’t know what it is about him, but with trying to move forward, I think maybe I’m not afraid to see what’s next…especially if I have him by my side to help me.

  “How on earth did you guys find this place?” Dani asks as I hold the door open for her to our favorite restaurant/bar, Lucky’s. They have amazing food, and yeah, it’s a total dive, but those are usually the best places. Tonight was $2 taco night and $5 margaritas. It also happens to be karaoke night. I have a few tricks up my sleeve to get Danielle up on the stage—I just haven’t shared that with her. I had hoped I would hear her sing again since that day we had overheard her in the shower, but no such luck. She seriously has a voice of an angel. I figure good food, great company, and a little liquid courage should be a good combination to get her up there.

  I spot Zach and Haylee over at our usual table and place my hand on Dani’s lower back to escort her over. She doesn’t flinch at my touch now. I’d say that’s a good sign, right? Things were a little tense at first, post-kitchen-kiss, but things have gotten better. Neither of us has brought it up though. I don’t know about her, but I sure as hell want to do it again. That kiss…that kiss was better than I dreamed.

  “You going to join us, or are you just going to stand there all night like a coatrack,” Zach jokes. I realize that Dani has had time to sit down and I’m still standing here at my seat, lost in my thoughts of my mouth on hers.

  “Asshole,” I mutter under my breath but loud enough so he can hear me, and everyone laughs as I take a seat next to Dani. I look over to her, and she seems nervous. The cool, calm, and collected girl that was with me on the ride over here has been replaced by the nervous, closed-off girl I had initially met. Is it because we’re out in public with Zach and Haylee? I see her hands fidgeting in her lap, so I reach over to her hand and give her a smile and wink, showing her that it’s okay, but she gives me only one of those weak smiles. Oh no, that just won’t do. But on a positive note, she doesn’t pull her hand away. So that’s progress.

  The waiter comes over and we order the usual: two pitchers of margaritas and a variety of tacos—chicken, shrimp, fish, steak, barbacoa. While they aren’t huge, they aren’t small either. I am proud to say I know how to get down on tacos. Haylee was extremely grossed out by how much we ate the first night Zach brought her with us. She told me she couldn’t look at me for a week—hell, I couldn’t look at me for a week either.

  The waiter brings us our pitchers and four glasses. “I propose a toast,” Zach says as he holds up his glass. I can’t help but notice the choice of words he used there. I know for a fact that Zach has been carting around an engagement ring to ask Haylee to marry him, but he held off when Dani randomly appeared back in his life. For her, he has put it off while she adjusted getting used to them being together. I guess he doesn’t want to freak her out so she runs away again, which I can’t blame him for because I’m not ready for her to leave.

  “How lucky am I right now to have my girl”—he smiles at Haylee—“my sister back, and my best friend out on the town. To love, family, and friendship.”

  “Cheers!” we all say in unison as we clink our glasses together.

  Dani’s eyes go wide, and I can’t help but let out a laugh at her expression when the waiter delivers our food. We probably have about twenty tacos, and I’d say there won’t be any leftovers by the end of the night. Dani grabs a steak taco first and puts extra sour cream on it and a little salsa before taking a bite.

  “Mmmmmmmmm. Oh my God.” She moans.

  “Good, huh?” Haylee laughs, covering her mouth after taking a bite of her shrimp taco. That girl can get down on some seafood, let me tell you. Our last trip to Baltimore, we had steamed crabs at this restaurant, and I thought for sure she’d put them out of business. I have no idea where she puts it all, although I’m sure she works it all off—sadly, I have had the pleasure of hearing her and Zach at times.

  We sit a few minutes without speaking, but the silence is quickly overtaken when the head bartender, Scott, steps up to the stage and everyone cheers. Dani looks around, a little confused as to where we brought her.

  “Hey, hey, how’s everyone doing tonight?” Scott yells into the microphone. “Thirsty Taco Night wouldn’t be the same without our favorite part of the evening…karaoke!”

  The color drains from Dani’s face, and she begins to shake her head as if we just asked her to get up there. Little does she know that I do have a plan to get her up there. She takes a big swig of her margarita and laughs. “Well, this night just got a little more interesting.”

  She’s playing right into my plan. “Yeah, I don’t know why anyone would ever want to get up there. That’s just ridiculous.”

  Zach and Haylee both chuckle, catching on to my sarcasm since Zach and I get up there every time, sometimes even more than once in a night. However, Dani doesn’t do that. I give Zach a look in hopes he can read my mind as to what I’m thinking and not rat us out.

  “Yeah, you’d never get me up there.” Yet I don’t really believe Dani when she says that since she’s looking at the stage as if she wants to get up there really bad. Here goes nothing…

  “You couldn’t even pay me to get up there and make a fool of myself. What about you, Zach?” I stare into his eyes to play along.

  “Ha! Yeah, I don’t think so, not me. I don’t do that shit.”

  Haylee is hiding behind her glass, trying to fight back the laughter as she watches this unfold. A devilish smirk emerge
s on Dani’s face, and I realize she bought right into my plan, knowing how Zach told me they used to be so competitive as kids.

  “I dare you to get up there, Zach. What are you afraid of? Huh? Is poor little Zachy scared?” She sticks her bottom lip out in a mock sad face—shit, what I wouldn’t give to bite that lip of hers. Damnit, Kyler, get your mind out of the gutter and let this plan unfold.

  Zach narrows his eyes at her. “Fine. I’ll get up there if Kyler gets up there. I’m not making a jackass out of myself alone.” He turns his gaze to mine.

  I tilt my head as if I’m thinking it over. Duh, of course I’m going to do it, but I can’t let Dani know I’m giving in right away. I hold my index finger up. “I will on one condition.”

  “And what’s that?” she questions.

  “If we get up there, then you”—I point my finger at her—“get up there and sing something too.”

  She turns her attention from me to the stage, back and forth; she is thinking hard about it. I stick my hand out to shake on our deal, but she just looks down at it before once again turning to the microphone on the stage. She looks at her brother, who has a super-nervous expression in hopes she will buy it.

  Finally, she extends her hand and we shake on it. “Deal. You both get up there, then I will, but judging by my brother’s expression, I think he might throw up those delicious tacos before getting his ass up there on stage, so looks like you’re gonna lose.”

  With her hand still in mine, I pull her closer and say, “We’ll just see about that,” and give her a half smile. I pull my hand back reluctantly and take a swig of my drink. These ’ritas seriously are delicious and go down so smooth, which can be super dangerous. See, what Dani doesn’t know is that Zach and I were already signed up for karaoke, and I’m super pumped that this all unfolded before Scott called our names up there.

  “All right, Lucky’s, what do you say we bring up our crowd favorites,” Scott says into the microphone. The crowd is cheering, which only makes Zach’s and my smiles larger. Oh, Dani is so going down.