Rebecca grew large as she entered into her sixth month of pregnancy. The child within her womb was very active and would wake her from sleeping. Rebecca would lie awake at night as the child made his presence known to her. She thought about the time when Ruth was born. She knew that once she held this child she would love him as she had seen Sarah love Ruth.
This innocent child did not choose his heritage. As much as she resented the man who had sired the infant, it was still a part of her. She could not deny the maternal instincts that grew everyday along with the unborn baby.
In the early days of the pregnancy it was easy to think of the seed as merely that, a parasite of sorts. Now, this child consumed every moment of her life. She was aware of when he was awake and when he slept. There was a time that she could feel a steady movement in her womb that was almost rhythmic. She was confused and did not know that the baby could have hiccups.
It was a dilemma to her. She had been raised to believe that the Indians were sub human. Yet, she witnessed a caring among them that she seldom saw among the elite of Boston.
She had thought in her early pregnancy that she would give birth and leave the baby with Running Wolf. Then, she could return to her people. Without a child she could make a new life somewhere out west. She knew as the pregnancy progressed that she could never leave her baby.
She felt so all-alone. She had not thought of these people as her equal yet she was carrying a child that was part of both cultures. He would grow to have the same emotions as her, and his father. How could she allow the blood of her blood and the bones of her bone grow to live as these primitive creatures? Yet, she knew that even if she were to successfully escape with the child she and the baby would not be accepted by the white society. It was a paradox. She knew that they were already accepted among these people that her culture had labeled uncivilized.
She trembled in fear, for herself and her child’s uncertain future.
Rebecca carried all these emotions within her heart. In time she prayed she would know what to do. She did not allow the father of the baby to know that she had grown to love his child.
One night Running Wolf saw her caressing her abdomen and softly humming. It was something he had seen women do as a display of affection to their unborn child. She even seemed to be smiling while she patted her swollen belly. This gave him a glimmer of hope that only lasted a moment. When she noticed he was looking she immediately went back to her rigid stance.
~
Then a miracle of sorts happened. It was a cold winter day. She had spent many days and nights in the tipi. It was nice to be at the river for a while. The women were gathering water for dinner and to wash their clothes. When they saw her approaching them, they quickly moved away taking their children with them. Rebecca stood far away from them as usual. She looked into the freezing river. She remained at the river’s edge after they had left to go back to camp.
One of the children did not listen to his mother and came back to the river. He was playing at the edge as Rebecca watched. He slipped and hit his head. The current of the river began to carry him away. He was not conscious and therefore unable to swim. If he did not drown he would surely freeze.
Rebecca was frightened. What could she do? She was afraid of the water and freezing water at that. She reflected to the time she fell in the small lake near to her home, nearly drowning. There was not time to think. In a moment of complete disregard she plunged into the river. She fell deep and the weight of her swollen belly pulled her deeper. When she momentarily came to the surface she could see the child. She was able to grab hold of him.
The strong currant was pulling them when she landed on some rocks that were elevated above the water. She carefully placed the child on the rocks so that he could breath. She tried to pull herself up but the weight of her clothes and her large belly kept her in the water. The rocks were slippery with algae and she could not get a secure grip. She tried once again to pull herself up and she managed to do so.
She attempted to stand. She could not get her bearings. Because of her size and imbalance she fell again. This time the current had her. She was knocked unconscious by some rocks and continued to float downstream.
The mother of the child had noticed him missing and came back to the water. She saw her child lying on the side of the river. The waters were carrying Rebecca away! She called for help.
Running Wolf was at the camp and heard the commotion. He ran to the river with the rest. He dove into the water and within seconds he pulled Rebecca out to safety. He carried her back to camp. He laid her on her side and let the water leave her lungs. She took a gasping breath. Once he was over the fright he thought about the fact that she could not swim. He could not believe that no one had taught her.
Rebecca was suffering from a nasty gash on her head. Bright Star Over The Mountains helped Rebecca put on dry clothes. She also dressed the wound. They wrapped her in a warm buffalo skin. Bright Star Over The Mountains stayed with her until she was sure she would survive.
Rebecca spent the rest of the day in the tipi sleeping. Running Wolf was very attentive to her making sure she was kept warm. He fed her warm liquids provided by his mother. He kept well-wishers away. What little he knew about his wife was her need for privacy.
~
The following morning Rebecca woke feeling fine. The tormenting headache from the day before was gone. She recalled the events of the previous day and was glad to be feeling no ill effects. She could hear the sounds outside of the busy work of the tribe. She wondered what had happened to the child she attempted to rescue. She was surprised at her sudden concern.
It was mid-morning. In the winter there was usually little movement about the camp so the sounds were confusing to Rebecca. It was usually much quieter.
Running Wolf was not there and she was curious as to his whereabouts. She knew through her semi-conscious state that he had attended to her throughout the night. He had gentleness about him that even her distain of the man could not deny.
She decided to leave the tipi. When she emerged from the opening she was surprised at the sight. In the snow, at the opening of their tipi, were fruits, dried buffalo meat and even some winter flowers. This was a very generous display for people who were living off of what they had managed to harvest before the freeze. It was their humble way of showing their appreciation of her heroics.
Bird Who Sings In The Night saw her and alerted the others. They came and paid homage to her as though she were some kind of a god. She was dazed by all the fanfare.
The woman whose son was saved by Rebecca walked up to her. She was crying and holding the hand of her son. She put a beautiful soft buffalo skin in her arms. She gingerly moved closer and placed a kiss on the cheek of Rebecca.
Rebecca knew even after the short time with these people that what this woman gave her was a most generous gift. The winter was not over and this was probably what her family had used to keep warm. Rebecca saw the gratitude in the eyes of the woman and thought it prudent to accept the gift even though she knew that they would be doing without. She had to admit that she was touched. Her eyes filled with tears as she took a few steps out of the tipi and looked at all the gifts these people had so openhandedly shared with her. For the first time in her life she did not know what to say. She stood for a moment. It was obvious that she was overcome. She saw Running Wolf standing with his people. For a moment her eyes met his and she smiled.
He looked back and nodded, proud of his tribe and his wife.
Her reign was short-lived. As she stepped out further from the opening she noticed a red spot between her feet that was so distinct against the newly fallen snow. It did not take but a second to realize that she was bleeding. How could that be? She was pregnant. She knew something was terribly wrong. Before she could make the connection between her weakness and the obvious state that she was in, she fainted.
Bright Star Over The Mountains saw what was happening and took Rebecca into the tipi. She laid her down and
began to wipe her forehead. Rebecca came around and was slightly coherent. Within minutes she could feel pain in her abdomen. They began as a slight cramp. Then, the pain intensified with every contraction.
“What is happening to me?” she said almost hysterical. “I am not due to have this baby for a couple of months.” She spoke in vein. They could not understand her. Her words of protest could not stop the forces of nature that were taking place in her body against her desires. She grabbed Bright Star Over The Mountains by the arm with the next contraction. She cried. “Make them stop … please make them stop.”
Within seconds there were two women in assistance to her. One of them gave her something to drink. It had a foul taste and Rebecca thought she was going to be sick.
Bright Star Over The Mountains knew the chances of the survival of this baby were not favorable. She had given Rebecca a potion that would make her drowsy and less coherent. She wanted to spare her the pain of seeing the child she was about to deliver that probably would not live.
Her mother-in-law looked at her with compassion. Bright Star Over The Mountains felt for her in her loneliness. There was little she could do for that or the child who was going to be born too soon. She knew that this woman would not accept her as a surrogate and therefore would have to bear this child in isolation, even with her present.
The pain and uncertainty lasted through the day and into the night. Rebecca had grown so weak and lost a great deal of blood. She was delirious and with fever when she finally delivered a stillborn son. She was not coherent enough to realize what followed.
Bright Star Over The Mountains took her grandchild and swaddled him in a fresh pelt. He had a beautiful face that did not hold any pain. It looked to Bright Star Over The Mountains that this child was in a peaceful sleep. She knew his spirit had left his premature body. She cried as she handed the child to his father.
Running Wolf had waited all day outside his lodge praying for the best and fearing the worse. He held his child close to him. He held him tightly in a vain attempt to keep the warmth from leaving his diminutive body. The grief-stricken father walked off with his son and sat under a tree. He was not ashamed to weep openly over the loss of his child. He named his son Fallen Sparrow.
Several weeks prior he had made the cradleboard in anticipation of the birth. These were to be used as a carrier for the new infant. Running Wolf carefully laid his son in them in preparation for his burial. He decided to bury him in private. He quickly constructed a scaffold. Carefully, he raised his newborn up to his final resting place after his fleeting time on earth. The heartbroken Brave returned to his home to care for his wife.
Running Wolf had not been allowed to see Rebecca for some time. When it seemed as though she was no longer in danger his mother invited him into the tipi. Rebecca was sleeping peacefully. She was no longer thrashing as she had in her labor and delivery. He was relieved to see she was restful. She would be spared the pain he was feeling so deeply for at least a little while longer. In the past months Running Wolf would have thought she would not have any remorse over the loss, but today did seem different. Or was it his hopeful heart?
Many things ran through his mind as he guarded her in slumber. Now that she was not bound to him with a child, would she leave? Was his quest to fulfill the dream just a foolish mission? Wouldn’t her departure be a blessing?
He looked on her with wonder and pity. She had not left him that day on the hill because she was with child. With the reason for her confinement gone, he decided he would be willing to let her return to her own people. That is if she lived. He could not bear the thought of losing both. Even with all her opposition the Creator sent her to him and he cared for her. Her action in saving the life of one of the children was a display to him that she did not have a bad heart. He was also encouraged by the glance they shared just before she fell ill.
The remainder of the night would tell him more. He looked over at her lying so still next to the fire. He did not think that she could be whiter, but she was. He was worried for this creature in which he saw some gentleness that morning.
He spent the night looking after her, wiping her brow and giving her water when she would stir. During the night she awoke. Rebecca immediately put her hands to her abdomen. She became aware of the fact that her womb was empty. She began to pat the ground around her as though searching the area for the child. She was beginning to panic when he took her hands in his in an attempt to calm her.
“What happened to the baby?” she asked him.
He could not understand the words but knew what she was saying. He turned his head to indicate that there was not going to be a live baby.
Rebecca was grief-stricken. What could have happened? In the few moments of fear and anxiety she wondered if they had taken the baby from her. She knew that was not true. They were not vengeful people. She looked into his eyes. The sadness and pain told her that he had suffered a terrible loss.
“Oh my God, no!” she exclaimed in horror. As she faced Running Wolf secure in his grip. She knew that she would never hold or see this child. How could this be? During the past several months she had grown to love her baby. In the short time outside the tent that morning she had a sudden change of heart toward Running Wolf and his people. She was not sure what it was, but she felt something different. Now, the child she had come to accept was no longer alive. She began to sob.
“Oh, my poor baby!” she cried as she allowed him to embrace her.
This was their child and he was suffering, too. He needed to hold her.
In the past his advances had been met with anger and mistrust. He carefully took her into his arms not caring if he was met with an acrimonious response. She would need his comforting. He was not thinking of himself. He was moved with pity.
She allowed his embrace. He held her and rocked her as she cried. She cried about everything that had led up to that night. What she cried for the most was the lost opportunity to hold her child.
~
It was several days before Rebecca felt well enough to move about. Running Wolf took her the final resting place of Fallen Sparrow. He left her to be alone with their child. Rebecca looked up to the small bundle at the top of the scaffold. She wept as she asked the child to forgive her for not wanting him in her early months after conception. She thought that God had taken him because she was so ungrateful. She knew in her heart that it was not true; it was just the guilt she was feeling playing havoc on her mind. She spent several hours making peace with herself and the child she would never know.
Later that night she and Running Wolf sat in silence. This was a different kind quiet between them. Rebecca was much kinder in her approach to him. After the initial shock she could see all the pain her husband was suffering. She thought about how she had not suffered at his hand any repercussions for not delivering a healthy baby. It had been a fleeting concern, but only momentary. His only display of emotion was that of compassion. She knew that Running Wolf was attentive to her during her pregnancy out of a call to duty. That continued after the baby had died. He did not waver from the steadfast concern for her well-being. Running Wolf once again proved himself to be gentle and benevolent.
~
Rebecca became very unresponsive and sullen. She would not leave the burial site.
Members of the tribe would bring the child trinkets for his travel to the spirit world.
The child that she had saved came with his mother to comfort her. They sat beside her in silence. The young boy put a toy bow and arrow beneath the grave of Fallen Sparrow.
This answered a question for Rebecca. She looked up to the child.
“You are a boy,” she said. Her wound was suddenly reopened.
The mother could only tell her of her sympathy with her eyes. She also placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder as they left her to mourn. She was from a different world; therefore they were naïve as to how they could offer her comfort. Rebecca undoubtedly saw the compassion in their eyes.
Rebecca would sit from morning until night. When she had cried herself to exhaustion she sat motionless staring at the ground only wishing it would devour her and end her misery.
Bright Star Over The Mountains had brought her food while she sat mourning her loss. Rebecca was not rude as she was in the past. But, she would not eat the food.
At night Running Wolf would carry her back to the tipi. She did not resist his attention but was equally unresponsive. Her condition troubled him deeply. He gave little thought to his own loss, concentrating only on her emotional and physical recovery.
Running Wolf decided it was time to move the camp. It was unusual to change the campsite during the winter. He knew little of the white man but thought that moving would help his wife adjust. Running Wolf decided it might be the only way to save his wife. He had the compassion of many and therefore their understanding and cooperation.
Rebecca was still weak as Running Wolf helped her on her horse. She wondered if she would ever feel strong again. She did not know if she wanted to live. All were concerned for her as they pulled up stakes and moved on.
Rebecca shivered on her horse in spite of the buffalo skin that surrounded her body. Running Wolf walked next to her on foot.
As they left the camp she could see off in the distance the scaffold that was holding their child. Her eyes met his.
“I’m sorry,” she said with tears in her eyes.
He did not understand that she was apologizing for not giving him a child. He understood her sweetness toward him and in that he found comfort.
“Sleep with the angels, my sweet child, and please forgive me,” she said, focused on the burial site as the tears fell freely. She looked behind until the scaffold became lost in the horizon. She could feel his hand on her leg. Running Wolf gave her a comforting gaze as she looked forward and into the unknown.
The Spirits of Nature Page 15