by Ella Col
Something in the way I acted tonight reminded Reece of her own grief. She never pushed me to tell her what I am going through, she only said that she knew that whatever was making me so sad will lessen in time. It will never go away. It will just dull. And I will live and cope.
How can I cope with what I have done? I was a goddamn kid, I know. It doesn’t make it okay.
I should have fought harder. I should have run away sooner. I should have…
Life is a bunch of ‘should haves’ I suppose. Now, I must live with my choices or the lack of choices I was given.
The touch of his hand against my face warms me.
“Where are you?” Nash whispers.
I lie comfortably in his bed. Cozy. Warm. Safe.
After Reece and Caydon left, Nash took me to bed to lie down. He never tried to touch me or kiss me. In fact, he insisted that I get rest. Instead, I lied in his arms silently crying.
“I’m here, Nash,” I answer.
I flop to my side to face him. Do I dare share the secrets and dark thoughts that would otherwise quietly eat away at my sense of self-trust and integrity? Do I tell Nash that I feel guilty and ashamed of myself? Do I tell him that I’m scared?
I’m just embarrassed. Basically, if I could erase the entire evening because I’m horrified that Nash saw me ugly cry I would. Honestly, the last thing I should think about when I’m crying is what I look like. And whoever is around me can just deal with it.
When I’m alone, I’ll let mascara stream down my face and wail with my mouth open. It feels good. So why should it be any different with him?
“I’m just embarrassed for coming unplugged in front of you,” I admit.
“You were vulnerable and in the moment. Thank you for trusting me. People never cry in front of someone they don’t trust or feel comfortable around.” Nash surprises me. “So, I’m honored…really.”
I’m empty, but I leave the sticky tears on my face allowing the sensation of their drying to drive me mad. The ugly cry has partly cleansed me. The lump in my throat has lessened in size. The nausea is still there but to a lesser degree. And Nash, again, doesn’t disappoint with his chivalry.
I don’t want to mention Hannah. However, she was right about Nash. He’s not the hard ass, sex-crazed guy everyone loves to get a piece of. He’s kind, generous, and good.
“Hannah was right about you.”
“Huh?” Nash is confused.
“She saw that your heart was open and pure. She told me that once. Instead of treating you carefully, she took your heart of glass and shattered it,” I hiss.
“Hannah didn’t shatter my heart.” He taps his fingers over his chest. “It’s still in there. Beating. Because I can feel it right now.”
His lips move over mine. Nash’s kiss makes my skin prickle. Gently, his tongue enters my mouth, making me moan. Pulling back way too quickly, he caresses my face. “Are you going to tell me what she did?”
“Someday,” I say. But I know that I won’t. It’s too much. Too much for me to handle. Too much for Nash to handle. Besides, I started my life over years ago. And I’m proud of that. What the human mind can justify, it’s remarkable, really.
“Whenever you’re ready, Jamie. I’m here,” Nash promises.
Yeah. For how long?
I lean my body into his and part my lips signaling that I’m done talking. I want to feel. I want to feel his body next to me in the darkness of his room. And I don’t want to leave.
Nash kisses me like I want him to…softly. I want more. I tilt my head slightly opening my mouth so our tongues may touch. My body is on fire with want for his touch. I’m burning.
Fuck this. I want him. All of him. On me. In me.
There is a warmth flaring in my stomach. And I need to extinguish it. Now.
My fingertips play with the hem of his t-shirt as we kiss. I tug on the fabric as he lifts his arms to discard the shirt. My hands waste no time feeling his hot, hard chest. Then they grow a mind of their own. They are all over him. Touching. Feeling. Loving.
The feel of Nash against me is staggering. I gasp and shudder with the vibration flowing between the two of us.
Without our mouths never leaving each other, Nash rips my shirt from my body. Before I can catch my breath from this action, his wet mouth soothes the ache of my nipples, licking and sucking. “Yes,” I murmur.
His blue eyes are hooded and suggestive when he looks at me. “You like that?” He doesn’t wait for me to answer. Taking my nipple into his mouth, he sucks hard making me moan and beg for more.
Neither one of us wastes time removing the clothes and underwear from the bottom half of our bodies. If truth be told, Nash removes my panties so quickly I barely feel his fingers loop through the hem as he pushes them down over my hips.
Without delay, I instinctually begin to grind against him, allowing my wetness to build. Nash knows what I want. He’s been getting me off this way for weeks. Tonight I need more. Still, when his hand slides between my legs, I open impatiently for him.
Nash explores the inside of my body with his fingers making me writhe below him. “Please,” I beg.
“What baby?” he asks pumping his fingers in and out of me. “So. Fucking. Wet.”
“Nash, don’t make me beg you.”
He sighs into my mouth, catching my tongue between his teeth. Pulling away he huffs, “Tell me what you want. I need to hear you say it.”
As his finger goes deeper inside me, I buck against his hand. And now I know I will tell him anything he wants just so I can feel him inside me. “Fuck me. Please,” I whine out.
Nash withdraws his fingers. As he takes his cock into his right hand, he glides into me. “Nash…” I say but no more words reach my tongue.
With a forceful movement, he tilts my hips finding an angle that I can only describe as being ‘the spot’. Nash buries himself inside of me thrusting and stroking at a speed that is too fast and too slow at the same time. My hips move to meet his fucking him back.
“Jesus,” Nash pants. “You feel fucking amazing.”
I know Nash has done this a million times. And our technique is something people would describe as normal sex. But it doesn’t feel like it. It does feel amazing.
He quickly builds up his speed so it is hard and fast. My fingernails prod the skin on his shoulders. I squirm under him aching and wanting to come.
I grab his hand and guide it to my clit. Nash’s lips curve into a mischievous smile. His callous fingers begin to rub me there as he fucks me hard. Within seconds, I’m leaving my body, contracting and coming all over him. My eyes shut and my head falls back to his pillow.
“So fucking beautiful,” I hear Nash say.
Nash pumps into me hard and deep. His movements become spasmodic. Nash stills and collapses on top me.
All I can think of at this moment is that I don’t want him to pull out of me. If he does, I will feel incomplete, lost, and alone.
We lie in each other arms, tangled and sweaty.
“You feel too good inside of me,” I confess.
“I feel too good being inside of you.” He pulls out of me.
Nash places his head below my breasts allowing his hair to tickle my belly. I love the feel of his breath on my skin. And I feel the stickiness between my legs. It’s all very comforting. I don’t want the feeling to end.
“I want to do that again,” Nash whispers.
Me too.
Chapter Twenty
I climb the stairs already knowing I won’t find him. I know he’s gone. Something in my soul is telling me to just give up. But I have to look anyway.
I hear the cry but can’t locate where it’s coming from. Goddamn it, he needs me. Frantically, I tear every room to shreds looking for him.
I feel lost and hopeless so I collapse to floor hoping he will just reappear. But he doesn’t. I scream for him. I cry for him. It still doesn’t bring him back.
My body shakes violently. The wetness from my tears remains on
my face. I seek out the first thing that is recognizable to me in the dark, strange room.
A set of frightened, blue eyes is staring at me. Finally, my body relaxes knowing that he is here. My Nash is here.
“Jamie?” he carefully asks as if I’m not really in the same room as him.
“Yeah?” I smile.
“Are you okay? You were screaming and crying.” The poor guy is petrified.
I’m mortified. This is what I deserve for spending the night with someone. Now, he will have questions. Questions that I can’t answer. Questions I won’t answer.
“I had a nightmare.” I don’t lie.
“It must have been bad.” Nash is still trying draw me out. “Do they happen often?”
“No,” I lie. “It must be that I’m in a strange place.” They happen all of the time.
“You were looking for someone. You said you couldn’t find him,” Nash presses.
I rub my hands across Nash’s chest soothing him. He’s worried, I know. But, he can’t help me. He can’t ease my mind. I will always have this aching and longing in my body. It will never go away. Nash will never be able to fill that void.
***
I knock on Hannah’s door to her dorm room. It doesn’t take long before she comes traipsing to the door in a pink, satin nightgown. It’s one o’clock in the afternoon on a Monday. I expected her to be in class. Or maybe I didn’t. I’m sure Hannah’s dad buys her grades just like he bought her.
“What do I owe the honor?” she scowls at my presence.
“Are you alone?” I ask. I don’t want to be interrupted.
“I don’t have a roommate.” That makes sense. Hannah is not likeable. No one could possibly live with her.
Hannah leaves the door open as she retreats into her room. It’s an invitation to enter, but she never invites me in. “If you’ve come here to tell me that you won’t be in my wedding…save it. Graham and I decided that it would be best to get married without a wedding party. It’s too much of a hassle.” She scrunches her nose.
Looking around the room, I notice that she’s decorated her dorm just like her room at home. Everything is puke fucking pink. Gag.
“I thought Graham had quite a few people he wanted in the wedding. That’s why you were forced to ask me to be in it.” I know the real reason why there will be no wedding party. Hannah doesn’t have any real friends.
Hannah sits in a plush, pink beanbag type chair. I sit on her bed. “He’s changed his mind,” Hannah grimaces.
“Of course he did.” I cross my arms across my chest. “Now you can stop blackmailing me into being your maid of honor.”
“So, what do I owe the honor?” Hannah asks. “I assume this has to do with the other night?”
“Let’s cut right to the chase. Why are you doing this to me? Is it because of Nash?” I accuse.
Hannah and I were once so close. The distance between us now is so great that you’d never even know it.
“I just thought you should know.” Hannah pulls a nail file from her bedside drawer and begins to file her nails.
“How convenient? It’s been five years. And all of the sudden you can tell me where he is?” I don’t believe a word that comes out of her bitchy, little mouth.
I suspect that Hannah knew I would come to her…like a moth to a flame. She knew I couldn’t resist any information when it comes to him. It’s like she’s orchestrated this entire day.
“Sometimes, I can be very persuading when it comes to Daddy.”
“More like conniving.” I don’t hold back.
A fake smile creeps across her pretty, but plastic face. “You don’t trust me.”
“Let me clue you in on something, Hannah. No one trusts you,” I begin. “Maybe, when you were a child you were able to fool everyone with your blond pigtails.” I yank at my hair. “That doesn’t work anymore.”
Hannah’s hand flies to her chest covering her heart. “I’m hurt.”
“Oh for Christ’s sake.” I roll my eyes. “It doesn’t work on me, Hannah.”
“Fine,” she concedes. “I’m not lying about this. I asked Daddy if he would give me the information. I told him that I needed it for you to agree to be in the wedding.”
“And he gave it up…just like that.” I snap my fingers.
“No, silly.” A fake laugh slips through her lips. “Once he can confirm with your father, he is going to tell me.”
Okay. I will play along. “Say he does give the information to you. Why on earth would you give it to me? You said it yourself. You don’t need me in the wedding anymore.”
“Well, nothing is for free, Jamie. You know that.” Hannah’s voice is syrupy sweet and condescending at the same time.
I already know what she wants. I just want the bitch to say it. “I’m going to ask you one more time. What do you want?”
“Him.”
“Nash?” I ask.
“Yes.”
“Too late.”
“It’s never too late when it comes to Nash. He will always be mine. It’s just the way it is, Jamie.” Fuck, I hate that she sounds so goddamn sure of this.
“Well, I’m telling you that you are too late. We are together.” My voice is cold.
Hannah rises from the beanbag with ease. No one ever gets out of those things with grace. Most humans look like a hedgehog trying to roll over. Not Hannah. She’s not fucking human.
Sitting next to me on her bed, she pats my hand and smiles. “You’re wrong, Jamie.” She pauses. “Nash will always come running back to me.”
Yeah, it’s official. Hannah has no soul. And she’s lost her marbles. Her eyes have that spooky, dreamy look to them.
“You’re crazy.”
Hannah studies my face intensely while figuring out what to say. “You are willing to give up on him to keep Nash?”
Why do I have to make that choice? “I will never give up on him. Ever. But I think you are stringing me along. I am not going to fall in your trap, Hannah.”
“Suit yourself.”
That was way too easy. I walk to the door. “You have a plan. Don’t you?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Hannah laughs.
I slam the door behind me. When I reach the end of the hallway, I collapse. Whatever Hannah has up her sleeve is not good. Truth be told, if I were sure she had the information that I wanted, I might have given up on Nash. I’m ashamed of myself for thinking that. But it’s true.
I’d give anything to see him again. Just once. I want to know that he’s okay. That’s all. I can live a happy, productive, and simple life knowing that he’s out there…somewhere enjoying his life. I deserve that? Right?
Chapter Twenty-One
NASH
I forward step, taunt, and then backward step as I spar with Caydon. Just like an immature street fighter, he swings. Sweat pours from both of our faces.
“You’d think you’d be better at this,” I criticize. “How long have you been working out with Mark?”
“Only three full months before he got hurt,” Caydon huffs. “Remember, I didn’t work out for like four months.” Jab. Miss. Jab. Miss.
Caydon doesn’t have the discipline to be a boxer. He’s too damn wild. “Want to take a break?”
Caydon retreats and leans against the ropes, quitting before answering me. “Break.” He breathes hard. “Now.”
“Loser,” I tease. “You need to stop smoking.”
“Fuck you.” Caydon means it with love.
Still trying to catch my breath, I seek dude advice from Caydon. “So, I think it’s pretty serious with Jamie.”
“You think? Or you know?” Caydon smirks.
“It’s serious,” I admit. “And I’ve never done serious. I’ve only done Hannah.”
“Haven’t we all?” Caydon interrupts laughing to himself. “What?”
My expression is still severe.
“Too soon?”
Yeah, that was funny. I chuckle, “You’re not right.”
&n
bsp; “I’m sorry.” Caydon laughs and then pauses. “Actually, I’m not.”
Caydon is silly and happy. It’s good to see him like this. It’s all because of Reece.
“I slept with her,” I blurt out.
“Fucked her? Or slept with her?”
“I slept with her.” I give him the side eye. “She had a really bad dream.”
“I’d have nightmares, too, if I was screwing you.” Caydon thinks he’s funny.
“For real. It was a screaming and crying in your sleep kind of nightmare.” It scared me to death. I have to tell someone.
“Really?” Caydon takes a sip of water. “Did she tell you what it was about?”
“No. She brushed it off like it was normal.” I’m still in shock. “She was screaming like she couldn’t find someone.”
“Weird. But maybe that is just what it was…a bad dream,” Caydon offers.
I shake my head. “I hope so.”
“If it is advice you are seeking, I have nothing. I’m still tripping my way through my relationship with Reece.” Caydon appears to be thoughtful. “Just be yourself. Be there for her.”
I shake my head. Caydon’s right. I’m looking for reasons to sabotage this relationship.
“Let’s get back to training. I have another match in less than two months.” I brush the subject of Jamie to the side.
“Why am I helping you? Get someone else to use as a punching bag.” Caydon pleads.
“Nah,” I say. “This is payback for when you used to kick my ass for no reason.”
“Shit,” Caydon says.
Yeah, that’s right bitch.
***
Jamie
Weeks pass by so quickly. With each day that has passed, I become more and more anxious. Hannah could strike at any time. And then I will lose everything. By everything, I mean Nash.
I didn’t know I could have fallen so deeply for him. This ache I’m feeling as I’m counting down the days until he will be leaving me is killing me slowly.