Right Before My Eyes

by Michelle Robinson

  Like a moth to the flame,

  I’m burnt by the fire,

  My love is blind,

  Can’t you see my desire?

  I started thinking about Jason and I wanted to shout:

  Is this the way love goes? The love of your life ups and moves to Vegas to be with another chick? Are you serious? And you’re left behind trying to pick up the pieces, not understanding who, why, and what just happened. I was thinking everything was cool and we were growing together. Where did this random chick come from?

  I thought he was the one and we were gonna move in together and have that perfect love story ending. When I was buying my house, he was there. He even picked out my expensive slate kitchen floor.

  Slate????

  I didn’t even know what slate was.

  Then he just upped and left without saying goodbye.

  No clue, no voicemail, no letter. He just packed his stuff and left. How did he manage a move like that without me knowing?

  Well, we weren’t exclusive and had our fair share of space from each other.

  I remember the last time we spoke, right before Thanksgiving 2002. He was supposed to call back after he went to the gym and he never did. I called and left a message, and he never returned my call. I left another message the next day. I left it at that, not knowing he had no intention of talking to me again. We talked to each other almost six or seven times almost a day. We went to the movies, out to dinner, to Warrior basketball games, and out shopping. We got along great. I did manage to see other people, but I never discussed them. I was sure he was seeing other women because we didn’t have sex a lot. But we seemed to have top priority with each other. The dudes I was seeing were just time wasters or sex buddies. I wasn’t taking any of them seriously and some of them knew about Jason.

  I remember when I found out that he moved. Derrick called after he left the barber shop where he gets his hair cut, and asked if I was driving or at home sitting down. I had just gotten home and would call him back because I was headed to the bathroom.

  After I settled down, I called Derrick back and he proceeded with his story.

  His barber Malik was talking about going to Vegas. He told Derrick that Jason gave him all his clients because he had just moved to Las Vegas to be with his girlfriend.

  I remember going into shock after I hung the phone up on Derrick. The pain that occurred in my stomach wouldn’t allow me to stand to my feet. My head started hurting and I remembered crying myself to sleep on the couch that night with cramps and a punctured heart. If I had visited the doctor right then, the diagnosis would have been severe heartbreak.

  As I made my way past what used to be the Henry J. Kaiser Convention Center, I looked to my right and saw two ducks swimming up stream.

  No drama, just in sync.

  I stopped to watch because they had something I wanted. They had each other. My iPod was playing Halfcrazy by Musiq. A tear started to form. I thought about how much I loved this song when it first came out. Jason and I watched the video together and I was singing, really trying to show him there was a message in this song and it was about him.

  He never did catch on.

  As I leaned over the embankment, I thought about the years of dealing with Jason. I’ve always been in love with him and he never could see it. Either that, or he didn’t want to. Back then, he didn’t think our friendship was as serious as I did. I thought we were building something. I quietly struggled with the disappointments, mixed signals and joyous times with Jason, because I really loved him and always thought he was the guy I was supposed to choose. In that way, he was like Drew and my other old boyfriends before him. Throughout, I learned to be more patient and to accept people for who they were; not who I thought they were. But he also held on to our friendship strongly.

  I wanted to stop talking to him many times. I tried to end our confused friendship, but he wouldn’t let me go. He was determined to keep me around. We would stop talking, but that was only temporary. He would do what it took to grab my attention.

  Like right now. He made me feel like I was important to him, so I’ve kept chasing after what I believe is our destiny. We have always acted like we were in a relationship. I figured he would eventually ask me to be with him exclusively.

  Then he started acting funny. He created the distance he needed to make a break, and then moved to Vegas. I vaguely remembered when he called me, but I do remember where I was when he called. I was at the hair salon, waiting on Jordyn to finish twisting my hair. I excused myself and stepped out of the salon when I answered my cell on that gloomy rainy November morning to be greeted by Jason’s voice.

  It was like nothing had happened; never mind the eleven months that passed with no contact. Never mind that he called from another area code, which confirmed that he really did move.

  I remembered making small talk. I stopped talking all of a sudden, remembering that I was speaking to someone who broke my heart. I continued listening while he went on and on.

  “Is this the number where I can call you?” I remembered asking him while Jordyn called me back in to get twisted.

  “Yes. Call me anytime,” he said.

  I accepted and looked forward to our next conversation. I needed answers.

  I decided to wipe off these tears of mine and get around this lake. It’s a three-mile walk, and I wasn’t even at the half point. I start power-walking to speed up a bit. I tried to take my mind off of Jason. I always feel better after a good cry. My mind is clearer and I can feel myself breathe again. As the songs played in my iPod, I thanked God for all He has done for me, my friends and family. I looked up into the blue sky and started to smile through my pain, because life is still good and so is God.

  I made it around the lake in 53 minutes. I stopped at the gas station on the corner to get gas and headed to the 580 Freeway toward the Keller Avenue Exit. I hoped Kalena has something to eat. I was hungry.

  Chapter 9

  YOU SHOULD BE MINE

  (THE WOO WOO SONG)

  I pulled into Kalena’s driveway and parked. Her silver Lexus ES 350 was parked in front of the house. She must’ve heard me pull up ’cause she met me at her front door.

  “Hey, girl.”

  “Hey bride to be, what’s up?”

  “Just trying to wrap my mind around all this. Todd really shocked me and I can’t believe I didn’t see this coming. I mean, I try to have my nose in everything. Did you know about this, Nee?”

  “Not really. He’s called me a few times asking about going ring shopping with him. He’s been trying to ask you to marry him for about a year now.”

  We laughed.

  “Are you working or chilling now?” I asked.

  “I was watching Law and Order reruns. Your Mama and Jordyn called to congratulate me. I guess we need go ahead and plan this wedding you’re making me have,” she said.

  “Yes, you have to have a wedding, honey. Let’s sit and do some brainstorming.”

  “Ok, girl let me get my laptop so we can get started. I want to start with looking at dresses.”

  “For us, or for you?” I asked.

  “For me, crazy! Well, I guess for y’all too.”

  “Did you pick a color for the wedding? Are you gonna work with a planner? Have you and Todd sat down and discussed a budget? Is it gonna be an outdoor wedding or a church wedding? Evening or daytime?”

  I threw out every possible idea on the table. Kalena was looking overwhelmed. I stopped and looked at her.

  “See, this is why I said Reno!”

  “Girl, please! But if that’s what you and your future husband agree on, then so be it. It’s not about you anymore, it’s about what you two decide on. The compromising begins now!” I teased.

  She shook her head and said, “Well on that note, let’s go get somet
hing to eat, this is making me hungry.”

  “We better go have a salad, ’cause I’m sure you’re on a diet now huh?”

  “Hell naw, this is who he proposed to isn’t it? I just don’t want to gain any weight,” she said, laughing.

  Kalena is about 5-foot-’6, with light brown skin and wearsher hair in single braids. She wears a size 14 and was very hippy—a cute shape for what Hollywood would call a “big girl”. Her style was pretty plain, and she wasn’t into accessories like me. That’s why I didn’t stop at home to bother with changing because I figured she wasn’t going to get dolled up since she works from home. Plus, I didn’t know we were going anywhere and didn’t have on any earrings.

  I almost started panicking, but real divas always keep a pair of silver and gold hoops in their car for emergencies, like this one. I knew I had some silver hoops in the glove compartment.

  I went to the bathroom to check my face and hair. I was set and ready.

  “Where we going?” I hollered to Kalena as I exited the bathroom.

  “Chevy’s in Bayfair or Fresh Choice?” she asked.

  “Chevy’s it is,” I said.

  We got in her Lexus and headed towards Chevy’s in San Leandro. On the way she asked about the brunch yesterday. Kalena couldn’t believe what I was telling her.

  “Chelsea slapped Greg?”

  “Yes, girl, and Sherry was all up in it. She didn’t miss a beat. But he was fronting on Chelsea hard, and I couldn’t believe this was the same person who wanted to marry her. She was hot! I’ve never seen her like that before.”

  “Well the ‘d’ must’ve been good,” Kalena said.

  We laughed.

  As we passed Jerry’s Burger heading towards 580, I noticed Greg’s SUV parked. I scanned the order window and there they were, the perfect little family.

  I told Kalena to slow down so we could see and record it to memory and there we saw them—Greg, Sherry, and their kids.

  “When you let your kids hang with their kids and y’all hanging out like a family unit, that’s not just some play thang. I’m so mad he and Chelsea didn’t work out,” Kalena said, speeding out of the parking lot.

  “Well, he came into her life for a reason, or a season.” I responded, and turned the volume up on Kalena’s stereo. You Should Be Mine (The Woo Woo Song) by Jeffery Osbourne was playing on the radio. She started singing along and I started thinking about Drew.

  We had so many plans. I have traveled to four different prisons to visit him, with and without his family. All those collect calls that I’ve accepted. I love the way he kisses me and the deep affection that we share. I thought we would never be apart.

  I remember back in the day when we would have a house party at Najah’s and Drew would DJ the party. He would play Slick Rick, Too $hort, Heavy D, Bobby Brown, Guy, EPMD, Zapp, Run-DMC, Sugarhill Gang, Mtume, SOS Band, Cool C, Freddie Jackson, Grandmaster Flash and Sly Stone. We danced until midnight, or until Najah’s dad got so drunk he forgot there was a party going on. He would come downstairs, hollering and cussing us all out of the door. He was a drunken fool, and all the neighborhood kids knew it. Afterwards, Drew would walk me home. We would stop on every block to kiss. His tongue was so thick and intertwined well with mine. His lips were so soft. I’d sometimes open my eyes to look at him. His eyes would be closed, and I could see his eyeballs rolling all over the place. Then I’d close mine and fall back into my paradise.

  He would rub my middle through my pants and I would get a little tingly. I never reached for his hand to stop. It felt good. Drew had this way about himself that absolutely drove me crazy.

  Drew was becoming a man and he was my protector.

  I fell deeper and deeper for him. When our lip lock would come to a break, he would look at me so lovingly that it was intense. Those bedroom eyes would talk to mine. They said, “I love you girl, you feel so good and soft and I want to enter into your secret garden”. And mine would say, “I love you and I want you forever, but I ain’t giving you nothing right now.”

  We would hold hands walking down Plymouth Avenue. We talked about everybody that lived on the streets we were walking past, just talking and laughing.

  We got along so well. We were always comfortable, even with my butterflies.

  Kalena started singing the song and I chimed in right on key.

  We found a parking spot at Bayfair Mall right in front of Chevy’s. We were greeted by the hostess, a nice little white girl who escorted us to a booth in the center of the restaurant. It wasn’t crowded for a Monday afternoon, so we figured we would get VIP treatment from our servers.

  “You know, I still can’t figure out why Red Robin closed. That was the spot.”

  “I know, huh girl? We were always at Red Robin,” she agreed.

  “Yeah, seems like every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.”

  We laughed.

  “Yeah, and we knew everybody that worked there—every manager, hostess, server, and bartender!”

  “I know, huh. Remember my 20th birthday party and Chelsea got so drunk, she threw up outside by your car?” I asked.

  “Aww, hell naw, Nee, and she got it in my hair too, ’cause I was the only one trying to pick her butt up of the ground!”

  “Ugg, gross. Wait, is that when you were wearing braids back in those days?”

  “Yep, and started freaking out cause she earled all in my hair!!!”

  We were laughing so hard, I started crying and Kalena was practically laying on the whole seat holding her stomach and laughing too. After about a few minutes, Kalena stopped laughing.

  “Where in the hell is our waiter?”

  I stopped laughing too and eyed the whole dining room looking for someone in a red Chevy’s shirt with an apron on. No one, and we wanted some water already.

  I waved down a server.

  “Are you our server? Because, we need water, chips and salsa.”

  “Oh, Chris is your waitress. I don’t know where she went, but I’ll get you your chips and salsa. Is that two waters, ladies?”

  We looked at her as if she were crazy. The server got the hint and hurried to grab our requested items.

  “I wonder what kind of service will we get today. Are we just gone eat chips and salsa and a glass of water?” Kalena asked.

  “I wonder where our waitress disappeared to,” I replied.

  “How do you feel about Brandon leaving for Atlanta and a husband taking his place?”

  “Yeah, he was, huh? After his dad and I broke up, it was kinda tough to date for many reasons. First of all, finding a babysitter isn’t the easiest thing to coordinate. I was fortunate to have you, Ashley, Chelsea, and Najah to fall back on for dates and nightcaps. I’m even more thankful he and his dad have a good bond and he came and got Brandon on his weekends. But when he got older, it got harder to have a dating life because he had a life.”

  “I’ve missed a lot of functions with you girls ’cause I’m the only one with a kid. There was Upward Bound, basketball practice, tutoring, playing the organ at church, the boy had a schedule and I had to be there. All the away basketball games and church services, that boy had no time for getting into trouble. Don’t get me wrong, his father did a decent job, but you know the mama has to be there and do exceedingly more, or she’s labeled no good. So bumping back into Todd was refreshing. I didn’t have to juggle the men around anymore and hide them from Brandon. We dated when I could.”

  The server returned with our chips and salsa. “Excuse me ladies,” she interrupted us as she put our glasses of water on the table. “Here’s some napkins for you two as well. Now, I have some bad news.”

  “What?” Kalena and I asked in unison.

  “It appears your waitress, Chris got sick all of a sudden and is going home. She was fine earlier, something just came over her.�
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  “So who’s gonna take care of us. You?” Kalena asked.

  “You got it,” the server said.

  I smiled. I didn’t quite care what the deal was with Chris. I just wanted to eat. I was munching on the chips and salsa and then remembered I forgot to ask for sour cream. “Nicca, you just walked the lake and gotta be in Kalena’s wedding. Don’t you ask for any sour cream,” I thought.