Letters to Me

by Eliza Rose

  “Are you a virgin?” I look up into his eyes and see the heat behind them, and subsequent ice thrown on them.

  “I’ve done some things, I’m not going to lie, but yes I’m a virgin.” He sighs. “I know I have a reputation but I haven’t had sex with anyone. You have my word. I think I was waiting for someone I would want to remember for my first.” He looks at me and lets the meaning of that sentence sink in.

  “I am a virgin, but you probably already knew that.” I blush crimson. Why do I have to be so innocent? I haven’t done anything with anyone except hold hands and kiss. I might as well be a nun.

  “Hey,” He whispers and takes his hand and gently urges my eyes to his. “I wouldn’t have it any other way. Are you saving yourself for marriage?” I sit and think for a few minutes. I don’t know the answer to that question.

  “I don’t know. I don’t think so. I think I just wanted to wait for someone special. Kind of like you are.”

  “I’m special, or like I’m waiting?” Cole asks.

  “Both cowboy.” With that, he moves so fast that I didn’t even notice. As soon as I know it he is on top of me with his body nestled on top of mine between my legs and his nose centimeters away from mine. “Cole, I don’t know if I’m ready.”

  “Ok I don’t know if I am either, but right now I think I need to kiss you. Is that ok?”

  “I think I can deal with that.” He starts to kiss me and everything is on fire. I love him. Why can’t he be my first? I kiss him back passionately. He starts to move his hands over my body, down my ribcage, and to my hips where he grabs and brings himself as close to me as possible. That’s when I feel it. I mean IT. Wow, that’s a big package he is keeping under wraps. I wrap my hands around his neck and pull him closer and he grinds himself on top of me. Soon we are both out of breath and must break the kiss.

  “Kimber, I love you so much.” He looks deep in my eyes.

  “I love you so much more.” I say and he starts to kiss me again with more fervor. His hand glides up my shirt and cups my breast in a way that I have never even touched it. I moan softly and he breaks the kiss and lays his head on my shoulder.

  “Let’s watch the movie, Kimber. I don’t trust myself right now.”

  “Oh, ok.” I lay my head on his shoulder and start to watch the movie again. Except I don’t see what’s happening anymore. All I see is the passion that is thick in the air between us. I can’t believe I let it get so far. This isn’t me at all. Maybe I don’t want to be the same old me anymore. Whatever I can’t think straight right now. The movie is playing in the background. It’s getting late. I look up at Cole and he is looking down at me. I smile slightly and then let my body take over. I lean up to kiss him and he closes his beautiful brown eyes. He has impossibly long eyelashes. I lean up a little more and kiss his eyes then his nose. I move to his mouth and then find myself crawling up on top of his body. We kiss heavily for a few minutes.

  “Kimber, I can’t I don’t want to do anything we will regret in the morning.”

  “Cole, I would never regret anything with you. I would love if you were my first.”

  “Not tonight darlin’. I wouldn’t protest to other things though.” With those words, our night was spent in the throes of passion. He left the next morning with both our virginities intact, but other things were done and other firsts were given to each other. He left a few minutes before Momma got home and everything went without a hitch.

  Chapter 6

  Dear Seventeen year old Kimber,

  You are getting close with Cole. You think can trust Cole with that one gift you can only give once. You will always remember him either way. You think it’s a good idea and it doesn’t matter if you will be the last senior to lose it. It’s only a choice that you can make.

  Love Always,

  Present day Kimber

  I am thinking about giving my virginity to Cole. Who cares? I want to be with him forever. We will be together forever why not give him that gift. Why would I not care about giving something so precious away. I don’t know what is going on with me. I would love to give Cole that gift, and for him to give me the same. It means a lot. It’s important to give that gift to someone special and he is special. I have to get ready for school. I dress and even put on makeup. I look in the mirror. My lips are a little swollen still. I think back to the late night and early morning activities and blush. I can’t believe I did that! I feel the same, and I look the same. Nothing has changed and everything has changed. I wonder if it will be like this after sex.

  I go to the kitchen and apparently Momma has already gone to bed because her coffee is already gone. I grab a bagel and my keys and head to the car. There is a note on my front seat I pick it up as I get in and close my door. I start the car and then open the note to read it.

  I love you more.

  That sneaky boy. I smile. He thinks he loves me more than I love him. Silly. I drive to school and park and wait for him to pull up. He pulls up not to long after I do. Rachel surprises me and pulls up ten minutes early as I’m walking over to meet Cole. She is getting out and moving to the other side of the parking lot. I lock eyes with Cole and he arches his eye brow at me and gives me a shy grin. God, he is sexy. We look at each other for a good minute before we say anything.

  “Hi,” I whisper.

  “Hey yourself.” He smiles and looks over my shoulder. His smile falters and falls. I turn to look in the same direction. Quinn is walking with Rachel to her car carrying something in her hands. Crap I was supposed to talk to Rachel last night about the party Saturday. Hopefully she will forgive me. I know she will. I hope. I’m on edge now. Why is Quinn going over to Rachel’s car with her?

  “Why does she have to come to the party?” he whispers to me.

  “I don’t know Cole, Rachel likes her.” He has a weird look in his eyes that I try to ignore.

  “I don’t like it.” His mouth is set in a straight line.

  “Why?” Curiosity getting the best of me.

  “She’s bad people,” he says and turns away from them and looks at me.

  “Oh,” I let my voice fall because as if she knows we are talking about her she looks over and gives us a horrible look. She would be so pretty if she wouldn’t wear so much make up and actually smile every once and a while. “I forgot to call Rachel last night and help plan the party so she probably got Quinn’s help.” I feel so horrible for not calling her.

  “Let’s hope not. Come on let’s go in.” He grabs my hand and leads me across the lot to the side entrance to the school.

  “Ok. Did you know that I love you and your sweet self?” I say as bright as possible.

  “I think so, but I’m pretty sure my heart is bigger than yours. Bigger body you know. So, I have more room to hold more love.” He almost contains his smile. Almost.

  “Is that right?” I laugh.

  “Yes, it is darlin’” There is that exaggerated accent.

  “I beg to differ.” I can’t get my mind off of Rachel and how I feel like I blew her off last night. I really hope she isn’t mad at me. Cole and I walk hand in hand to my homeroom class. He is such a good guy. I am so lucky to have him.

  “Well baby, here we are.” He looks down at me like he doesn’t want to let me go. I feel like I am looking at him the same way. He rubs his thumb across my cheek and fingers through my hair resting his palm on the back of my head. He sighs and without saying a word walks away. I walk into class and sit down. Not too far behind Rachel walks in. She looks at me with apprehension. What is she so worried about?

  “Hey Rachel, sorry about last night. When I got home, I was really busy. I completely forgot to call you. Are you mad?” Please don’t be mad!!!

  “I was last night, but I just called Quinn and she helped me plan. Everything is done now no worries!” She says a little too fast.

  “What’s with the look?” I ask.

  “What look?” She asks a little defensively.

  “You know what I’m talking abo
ut. Why are you looking at me like that? Spit it out.”

  “Quinn doesn’t want Cole to come to the party.” And?

  “Ok, who cares?” I ask, it’s not her party anyway.

  “Well I do since she helped me plan it,” She raises her voice. I can’t believe this.

  “Well I didn’t say anything when we were planning, but I didn’t want her to come.” I forgot to keep my mouth shut again. Crap.

  “Well if that’s how you feel Kimber, I understand. You know you don’t have to come.” Wow, am I being uninvited?

  “I want to and so does Cole, but I don’t want it to be weird.” I say quietly.

  “It’s my party and..” She starts.

  “What you will cry if you want to?” My sarcasm takes over, and I’m mad.

  “No,” she laughs “I will invite who I want to. She will get over it.” Ok good.

  “Okay, well I can still help do whatever you need to do.” I say trying to stay neutral.

  “I will keep that in mind. We have a little time so I’m not worried.”

  “Okay.” The bell rings and we all get up to go to our first class. I see Quinn in the hall and I ignore her for the most part. She is so pretty and so voluptuous I will never look like her. I’m a little jealous of her curves, but I’m not going to let that bother me. She has beautiful black hair and jade colored eyes and pouty lips to die for. In other words, every man’s fantasy. I wonder if she is in my man’s fantasies. Nope, I’m not going there. I hear Rachel stop and start to talk to Quinn and I just keep walking. I should get to class and can’t afford to stop and listen to the drama. I’m sure that Quinn will be mad when she finds out that not only am I coming, but Cole is coming with me. I don’t care how she feels about him or how he feels about her. I still don’t understand why they still hate each other so much. I get that she is mean, but why does she hate him? I spend the rest of the day trying to concentrate on school work and not this drama that seems to be swirling around me lately.

  I finally get to history class and see my beautiful boyfriend. He is looking down when I walk in. He has his phone in his hand and is texting someone. I walk around the side of the room and come to my seat from behind him. I sit down and he sits up fast and turns around.

  “Hey where did you come from?” he asks.

  “My mother.” I love being sarcastic.

  “Ha-ha-ha very funny. No really how did you sneak by me like that?” he says looking around the room.

  “I came in and went around. There were a lot of people coming in when I did.” I say with a little concern with the way he is looking at me.

  “Well, how has your day been?” He asks me and I don’t want to say.

  “Fine.” I say quickly and as bright as I can.

  “Liar,” our substitute teacher comes in and he whispers, “we will continue this conversation later.” I smile and look towards the teacher who tells us that we will be watching a movie and answering questions about what happened tomorrow. We all settle in to watch the movie and nothing is working properly. The teacher has to call someone in the office to come down to the class and look at it. We all sit in silence for a few seconds. She announces that we can talk amongst ourselves and she steps out into the hall. Cole turns to me.

  “What’s wrong?” he asks and he starts to analyze me.

  “Nothing, really, I’m fine.” I smile.

  “You can’t lie to me. Is it the Rachel thing?” Damn he knows me to well.

  “A little. I don’t know what I did. I mean yeah, I missed one night of planning for the party. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. She didn’t act like it was, but then she said she can invite who she wants. I don’t know what to think anymore.” I look down and realize my shirt is twisted in my hands.

  “What do you think about another movie night?” he asks with a grin.

  “Well, I would like that, but I think we should do movie night honestly this time. Let me text my mom.” I say. He looks around and everywhere else.

  “Ok. Cool.” He says in a somber tone.

  “Ok so what do you want to watch if we can?” I ask him trying to get his eyes on mine.

  “I’m not sure what do you want?” He asks me and finally looks up at me.

  “What about Breakfast Club?” I smile. It’s one of his favorites.

  “Sounds good.” I text my mom

  Can I have movie night with Cole tonight? He will leave by 11. It doesn’t take long for her to reply.

  Yes, in the living room. He can stay for two movies, but has until 12 to be home.

  “Momma says we can have a movie night, two movies, in the living room only though. You have to be gone before midnight Cinderella.” I smile and he laughs.

  “I can work with that. I’ll be over after practice.” He says.

  “Sounds good I can get a shower and make supper.”

  “Wow, how very domesticated of you.” He is back to his smiles and laughs now.

  “You’ll have to get used to that for the future.” What did I just say? Oh, Lord have mercy.

  “Yeah, yeah I will, won’t I?” He smiles a face splitting grin.

  “Yes,” I say smiling at him, “What would you like for dinner dear?”

  “Oh, whatever your little heart desires.” He makes that deep rumbling sound in his throat and I lean into him.

  “Then how about steak tips and rice?” I whisper.

  “That sounds great! Do you think they will fix this tv or will we be sitting here for the rest of the day?” He is changing the subject, but leans into me.

  “I’m not sure honey, but I know one thing. I am so tired.” I lay my head down on the desk and look up at him. He looks down at me and pushes the hair out of my face.

  “I wish I could tell you to sleep, but I think I need you to stay up. I don’t want you to fail senior year.” He says with concern layered in his voice.

  “I have an A in this class, and I don’t think that Ms. Jones would mind if I slept through some movie.” He laughs and shrugs his shoulders. Then he turns more so that he is facing me and starts to rub my head. The next thing I know he is shaking me to wake me up.

  “Kimber it’s time to get up,” he whispers in my ear. “Kimber, it’s time to go home and make supper.” I raise my head slowly and smile. I start to gather my things. I feel like my face has sleep marks on it and my hair is probably a mess.

  “Did they fix the tv?” I ask sleep heavy in my voice.

  “No, we were told to be ready for it and to take the test tomorrow. We did a study hour.”

  “Oh, thank God!”

  “I thought you weren’t worried about sleeping in class.” He laughs at me.

  “I’m not…yes I am. I can’t lie to you. Not even about something as simple as sleeping in class.” I felt bad for sleeping, but I was so tired. I still am a little.

  “Good.” He says with a sly grin.

  “I guess so, but what if I wanted to surprise you?” I say genuinely.

  “I don’t need surprises.” He laces his fingers with mine and we start to walk towards his car. “Do you mind if I shower at your house? I’ll come right over after practice.”

  “No, I don’t mind.” Cole Snyder showering in my house. Do I mind?! I will probably be on edge the whole time he is at my house and he is wanting to get naked. Yeah… no problem.

  “Cool, that way we can spend more time together.” He doesn’t want to go home. I know that is the real reason.

  “You need to get to practice and I need to get home and start supper.” I see Mathew get in his car and drive off.

  “Ok wifey, I’ll see you when I get home.” He laughed softly and my breath caught in my throat. That sounds so nice. I give him a peck on the cheek and then I start to walk to my car a few parking spots away. I turn to get in and he comes running up behind me and kisses me hard.

  “I don’t ever want another person in my life, Kimber, you are my one.”

  “I love you, Cole.”

  “I lov
e you too, now I really do have to go.”

  “See you soon.” He runs back to his car and drives around the school before I start to drive away. He called me wifey and he said I was his one. What a day this is turning out to be.

  I start driving home and start to think about how everything has been going. My relationship with Rachel, Cole, Jozlyn, and Momma. Jozlyn hasn’t called me in weeks and Momma seems like she has thrown herself into her job. It happens a lot when she loses one of her babies. I pull into my driveway and look at my lonely house. What I wouldn’t give to just have one day when I’m not by myself. I know Momma loves her job and all, but I miss her so much. She’s doing it to pay for college and for a comfortable life but geez. I am almost to the door when I remember something. Didn’t Cole say they didn’t have practice this week? Hmm, maybe something changed. I walk in and stand for a moment in the empty silence. I head to my room and strip down to take a shower. I get in, and start my routine hair, body, shave, get out, dry, lotion. I put on a pair of boy shorts and a t-shirt. I don’t care what I’m wearing. I head into the kitchen and start to prep the meal for us. I get out the steak tips that I had already planned on making. I get enough out to make some for Momma too and put the rest in the freezer. I start to cut up some mushroom and onion to sauté with the steak and then start the rice. I decide to make brown gravy to go over it as well and as I’m reaching for the gravy there is a knock at the door. I don’t think it is Cole because he would text me when he was leaving to come over. That’s just how he is. So, I grab Momma’s robe from the back of her chair and wrap it around me. I slowly walk to the door and crack it open.

  “Yes?”

  “I have a package for Miss Kimber Huntley.”

  “That’s me,” I say questionably. The delivery guy doesn’t look like he is from a delivery service and so I don’t unchain the door. “You can just leave it there. I will get it in a second.”

  “You have to sign for it ma’am.”

  “Ok, can you hand it to me through the crack in the door?”