Almost Straight

by Justice Serai

  She arched a brow. “At the cool table?”

  “No. I don’t think I’m invited there anymore.” I chuckled. “I sit with my friends Gabby and Taylor on Tuesdays. I’ll introduce you.”

  “Okay.” Her confidence seemed to falter as she bit her bottom lip.

  My gaze got stuck watching her teeth press into the plumpness. I wished I could be as sexy and mysterious as she was. Was it just the lesbian thing that made me so fascinated with her? Or maybe that she dressed like a European model and so...un-Indiana-like? Or was it because of the way she looked at me and her eagerness to be friends? I wasn’t used to being wanted. Not like that kind of wanted, just the kind that made you feel like you mattered.

  “You okay?”

  I realized I’d been staring at her lips for too long. I nodded, unable to move my vocal cords. The bell rang (that blessed bell) and I turned and practically ran to my seat. When I looked at Liv, she was peering back at me with a frown.

  By the time lunch rolled around, I’d pulled myself together. On the days I shared lunch period with Gabby and Taylor, I always chose them over the popular table with Grayson. Just because I’d moved up the social ladder didn’t mean I turned into a bitch. Gabby had been my friend since kindergarten. Taylor was a transplant from New York and had that gruff, sarcastic attitude it seemed like everyone there had, at least on TV, and we’d been friends for two years.

  “Hiiii,” Gabby practically sang in her shrill, perky voice. She ran up to me in the lunchroom and gave me a big hug. She was a hugger, much to Taylor’s dismay. “Oh my god, I haven’t seen you in forever! Why didn’t you come to my locker this morning like always?”

  “Uh,” I floundered. Honestly, I’d completely forgotten. The excitement of seeing Liv had distracted me. “Sorry. I was running late for class.”

  “Okay.” She smiled, forgiving me easily. That was Gabby. Optimistic, easy to be with if you could put up with the constant chatter. Her name was very fitting.

  Taylor was on the other end of the spectrum. She complained about mornings, especially perky people in the morning, which meant she and Gabby clashed sometimes. Taylor reminded me of one of those grumpy cat memes, but I liked her dark humor and honest musings.

  Gabby’s tiny figure, ringlet hair, and bright eyes made her girly and adorable. She could’ve totally been popular if she didn’t blurt embarrassing things all the time – mostly religious sentiments that alienated her. And Taylor had the most beautiful, soulful eyes but dressed like she woke up every morning and thought “screw you, world.” Random concert t-shirts of bands nobody recognized and sloppy hair confused high-schoolers who were all about fitting in. In Freedom, Indiana, standing out was a bad thing.

  Honestly, I was jealous of both of them. Being on the tall side, but not athletic worth a crap, made it harder to get dates. I’d noticed yesterday, though, Liv and I were just about the same height.

  I felt her before I saw her walk into the cafeteria, if that was possible. All I knew was my hair stood on end then I looked behind me and there she was. Clutching her bag to her body, she peered around the room, looking so lost I had the urge to hug her.

  “Liv!” I called and waved my arms frantically.

  We made eye contact and the cafeteria seemed to fade away. I studied the way she moved, graceful and confident, as she strode toward me. Her smile widened, showing nearly perfect teeth except one crooked one that somehow made her even more beautiful. When she reached my side, I barely stopped myself from hugging her. But after I’d stared at her weirdly this morning, I didn’t want to make things more awkward.

  “Hi,” I said then forced myself to turn to Gabby, even though I only wanted to stare at Liv. “Gabby, this is Liv. She’s new here.”

  Gabby smiled and gave her signature sing-song hi. Then she hugged her. A spike of jealousy speared me so suddenly, I almost fell over.

  What. The. Fuck?

  I didn’t often swear but this was one of those occasions when it was completely appropriate, even if it was only in my head. Over Gabby’s shoulder, Liv sent me a heated look and my insides melted. Did she wish it was me she was hugging too?

  Confused and embarrassed, I was glad when Taylor showed up to distract me. Gabby and Liv broke apart and I mumbled introductions to Taylor.

  We sat at our usual table – in the back, near the wide windows that overlooked the parking lot. I loved windows and natural light. There was something about the sun on my bare skin that made my soul happy.

  During lunch, Gabby ranted about something – I had no idea what because I spent the whole time trying not to stare at Liv. Her smiling eyes when we locked gazes made me feel like I was the center of her focus too. I wished we could sit alone, just to get to know each other. I felt close already, but I wanted Liv to myself. I wanted her to be my friend and only mine.

  The possessiveness scared me a little. I’d never felt that way about a friend before. But then, I’d never had a friend like Liv before either.

  Taylor and Gabby started arguing but I was too lost to figure out what it was about. Something political, most likely.

  “What do you think, Audrey?” Taylor asked.

  “Huh?”

  They looked at me funny. Crap. What was my excuse for not paying attention?

  “Haven’t you been listening?” Gabby demanded. Clearly the argument had gotten heated.

  “No. Sorry.” I gulped. “I’m a little spacey today. Didn’t sleep well last night.”

  “That’s funny,” Liv said. “Neither did I.” Her lips quirked and amusement danced in her eyes.

  I was starting to like that look, even though it made me blush. But what did she mean? Was she up thinking about me too?

  Gabby made a frustrated noise. “We were talking about prom. Taylor says we shouldn’t allow football players to be nominated for Prom King.”

  “They always win,” she grumbled.

  “But we can’t exclude people,” Gabby scolded. “That’s not fair.” She was on prom committee and just as obsessed with it as I was. We’d promised to chip in for a limo together and everything. It was silly and childish but when else would that be excusable? Once I hit eighteen, I had to grow up.

  Liv spoke up, surprising me. “So if you don’t exclude people, that means you’d let two girls run for prom king and queen?”

  Gabby and Taylor stared blankly.

  “Well, it’s only fair, right?”

  “Um,” Gabby hedged. “Yes. I guess we could. I don’t think there’s anyone at Freedom High that would do that.”

  “You never know,” I blurted.

  Liv’s lips curved into a smile I pretended was silent approval. I felt very badass and...progressive.

  Taylor scoffed then crossed her arms over her chest. “I don’t even know why I’m arguing about this. Prom is stupid. I’m not going.”

  “You have to!” I found myself saying. “It’s gonna be so much fun.”

  Liv arched a brow. “Are you on prom committee too?”

  I couldn’t tell if she was mocking prom or me or nothing at all, but I shook my head, suddenly self-conscious of my childish excitement.

  “She’s not,” Gabby said. “But she’s been planning prom for a year now. We’re getting a limo together and everything.”

  I wished she’d shut up.

  “She even has her dress picked out.”

  “Do you?” Liv smirked.

  Blushing, I stared at the table. I’d barely touched my lunch. Why did she make me feel so weird? Giddy and pretty one moment. Jealous and embarrassed the next.

  “Well...” She popped a chip into her mouth. “What’s it look like? Inquiring minds want to know.”

  Something told me she was the type to boycott prom like Taylor and the other anti-establishment goth kids. Would she and Taylor spend the night together in protest? That jealous feeling took over again, making me feel confused and angry.

  Spiteful, I lifted my chin. “I’m not telling you.”

  “W
hy not?”

  “It’s a surprise. Only people going to prom will see it.”

  “In that case, count me in.” She ate another chip while we all sat in stunned silence. “Who are you going with?”

  It took a moment to answer. I shrugged. “Hopefully I’ll find somebody by then.”

  “Hopefully.”

  Gabby nudged me. When I could take my eyes off of Liv, Gabby tilted her head at Liv’s bag. So she spotted the rainbow patch?

  Liv caught the exchange and smiled slyly at me. At least she wasn’t self-conscious. I’d have to yell at Gabby about being so obvious later. I pinched her arm and she yelped.

  Taylor gave us both a funny look then shook her head. The warning bell rang. She stood up. “Torture awaits.”

  The rest of us followed, grabbing our wrappers and trays and lunch bags. “You going to youth group tonight?” Gabby asked.

  My eyes went to Liv for some reason. I didn’t want her to think I didn’t approve of her just because the church didn’t. “You know my parents force me,” I said to Gabby.

  She nodded sadly. “See ya there.”

  Chapter 4

  Church youth group met Tuesday nights. In Freedom, you either went to the Christian Evangelical Church or the Evangelical Christian Church. Or you were atheist and got to sleep in on Sunday mornings. Gabby, my brother, Ben, and I weren’t so lucky.

  Youth group was basically church dumbed down and ramped up (with acoustics) for teenagers. The staff worked hard to look and act cool and keep God “relevant.” To me, all the fancy stuff cheapened the truth. If God was relevant, it would just come out that way without needing all the theatrics. But the church had a way of speaking for God, which I thought was a problem for most religions.

  Since Pastor Dan pressured us to bring our “unchurched” friends to youth group, I often bugged Taylor to come. Her parents were democrats and generally didn’t approve of organized religion but they did believe in allowing Taylor and her sister choose their own path, so they begrudgingly let her come when she wanted to. Tonight, she had too much homework though. My mom was disappointed when I said we weren’t picking her up. I got the feeling she was proud of me for “witnessing” to my friends. Maybe it gave me brownie points with God or something.

  God and I were on good terms, as far as I was concerned. I mean, I didn’t love his sanctimonious people all that much but I did desire to go to heaven instead of burning in the fiery pits of hell. Pearly white gates or lakes of fire – it wasn’t hard to choose. So I did my best to be a good Christian, even if I did drag my feet about going to church.

  My mom dropped me and Ben at the door then drove off to have cocktails or dance in the living room or whatever she and my dad did while we were gone.

  Ben sulked as he trudged toward the doors of the modest-sized church. “This is the one thing I don’t like about graduating from grammar school.” Ben had just entered seventh grade, right when the church started indoctrinating young minds.

  Who was I kidding? It started way earlier than that. They just didn’t disguise it as “cool times with Jesus.”

  “One thing?” I snorted.

  A car door slammed behind me and footsteps sounded against the gravel path. Someone grabbed me, making me jump and whirl around.

  “Jesus!”

  “Shh.” Gabby peered around conspicuously. “You can’t say that here. We’re on sacred ground.”

  I rolled my eyes.

  Ignoring that, she pulled me aside. “We have to talk,” she said, all dramatic like. “Your new friend Liv... Is she a lesbian?”

  “Yeah. So?”

  Her eyes widened into big, round saucers and she leaned in close. “Are you... Are you a lesbian too?”

  “What? No!” I made a sound of annoyance. “I can be friends with a lesbian without being one.”

  She exhaled a relieved breath. “Okay good. ’Cause that would completely ruin your reputation.”

  Leave it to her to think about that.

  “Plus, you know, God and stuff.”

  “God and stuff what?”

  She shrugged. “Well, you know... God doesn’t approve of that.”

  Sadness leaked in. I didn’t want to think about that – about Liv’s salvation and what it meant that she was a lesbian. I mean, that was one part of her, but it wasn’t everything. Why should the way she was born be linked to the afterlife more than her character? Liv was way nicer than most of the girls in youth group. They turned their noses up at people. Liv would never do that. She seemed to like everyone. Her smile made its way into my head and I couldn’t think of anything that belonged in heaven more than that.

  People at church said being gay was a cry for attention, or confusion, or because of some childhood trauma. But Liv didn’t seem traumatized or act like an attention whore. She didn’t seem confused either. She was...perfect. I couldn’t imagine that her loving someone, even a girl, would ever be wrong.

  But maybe the devil was making me blind to it so I’d go to hell. He was always doing stuff like that – making people stray from the path of...righteousness or whatever. That was a church term. I didn’t even know what it meant. Maybe this was what all those sermons warned us against. Maybe there was a reason to fear being open-minded.

  I stared at the ground, disgusted. Some things about religion were so hard to swallow. Heaven sounded nice but not when it meant good people would go to hell for silly things like loving the wrong people. And making things this complicated, and unintuitive, made God seem like a sadist.

  My stomach felt queasy and I thought about calling my mom to fake being sick.

  But Pastor Dan’s voice interrupted my plan. “Coming girls?”

  Gabby gave me a worried look. When I didn’t say anything, or make a move for the door, she yelled back, “Be right there.”

  She shook my arm and I snapped to attention. “Yeah, yeah. I’m coming.”

  Pastor Dan was a short, balding man who wore YOLO shirts and ripped jeans. It looked like he tried way too hard to be “one of us.” I wasn’t sure he was fooling anyone.

  I didn’t pay any attention to his talk tonight because I was too busy thinking about Liv. That anyone would have a problem with her bothered me. I wanted people to understand she wasn’t bad just because she was a lesbian. I wished it was safe to bring her to church on Sunday or youth group, but she was what they called “out and proud” so I didn’t think people would approve. And I would never want to make her feel uncomfortable on purpose. Maybe if she hid that she was a lesbian, no one would know. I mean, other than the patch on her bag, it wasn’t noticeable.

  Well, she had worn combat boots today.

  I’d watched a Glee episode a couple years ago with an obviously gay character and my parents had said people like that were “misguided.” Could that be Liv? Straight but misguided by Satan and pop culture? Maybe if I brought her to church and she got “saved” she’d realize she liked boys and go to heaven too.

  The thought made me laugh. As if it were that easy. For some reason, Liv and liking boys just didn’t go together.

  Youth group ended with singing along to a wanna-be rock band made up of sullen teenagers playing sloppily on borrowed instruments. I loved to dance and sing to pop and rock, but when it came to church songs, I preferred traditional hymns over this crap. Gabby and I escaped to the bathroom.

  I leaned up against the sink counter. “I really don’t want to go on the ski trip this winter. I wonder if I could fake an injury so my parents don’t make me feel guilty about skipping it.”

  Gabby checked the stalls then hurried toward me, frowning. “Audrey.” She paused, took a breath, then continued. “We have to talk to Liv. We have to tell her what her choice means.”

  This again? Though I sighed in frustration, I was getting nervous there might be some truth there. “I don’t think she chose this. I mean, would you?”

  Gabby grimaced.

  “In fact, science already proved that being gay isn’t a choice.
”

  “But she’s choosing to live in the lifestyle.”

  Regurgitated lingo. What the hell made it a “lifestyle” anyway? To me, it just looked like regular life, same as all of us. “Well, what’s she supposed to do?” I banged my hands on the counter top, frustrated. “Pretend to like guys? Be a nun? How is that fair?”

  “We all have challenges. Like, I’m really short. I have to live with that forever. That’s my burden. Lusting after girls is hers.”

  I fought back the urge to roll my eyes. “I don’t really think the two are comparable.”

  “Oh my god!” She grabbed my hands and squeezed. “Do you think she...has a crush on you?”

  Then something weird happened. I smiled. Not because I thought she did have a crush on me but because I kinda...I don’t know...wanted her to. There must be something wrong with me. Maybe I was the one who was an attention whore.

  Before I could answer, she wrinkled her nose. “Gross. I hope for your sake, she doesn’t.”

  I didn’t see what was so gross about it but I didn’t say that.

  “Audrey!” She let me go and threw her hands out to the side. “Don’t you think it’s your duty, as a friend, to tell her?”

  Gabby took the whole “saving” thing much more seriously than I did. Maybe she thought she’d get more brownie points with God if she helped save a lesbian. I didn’t really know her motivation, but it irked me that she suggested it at all. I liked Liv the way she was – like a true friend should. Changing her, especially something that big, seemed kinda messed up.

  Besides that, I couldn’t tell her she was wrong because I didn’t know if it was true. Putting a face to the label changed it somehow. Before knowing Liv, maybe I’d have agreed with Gabby. I’d never given it much thought. But now, I didn’t know what to believe.

  Chapter 5

  Liv was on her way to my house to work on homework together and I’d never been so nervous in all my life. I’d straightened and re-straightened the bed pillows a million times. It reminded me of something my mother would do. As if the arrangement of pillows on a bed changed the way someone thought of me.