Almost Straight

by Justice Serai

  “Ugh.” I smacked the last one and walked away. My mom had baked cookies earlier but I wished I had something more...adult to offer her. Like coffee. She seemed like the type who’d drink coffee. Or espresso. God, I didn’t even know what espresso was. I got that stupid sheltered feeling again and wished I was cooler. Or at least had something to offer in terms of friendship.

  Why was I trying so hard to impress her anyway? I already knew she liked me. I just wanted her to like me...more.

  The doorbell rang and my heart kicked into overdrive. I checked the mirror, got disgusted with my plain appearance, but ran down the stairs anyway to intercept my mom.

  She had already let Liv in and started a conversation.

  At the bottom of the stairs, I grabbed Liv’s hand. “Thanks, Mom.” I tugged her up the first step. “Bye, Mom.”

  We pounded up the stairs as my mom called after us, “Dinner will be ready around six.”

  I dragged Liv to my room then shut the door behind us. She looked at our hands, intertwined together, and grinned at me. I pulled away as if her hand were made of fire.

  Without a word, she switched her focus to study my room. As she did, a wave of self-consciousness swept through me. I kept meaning to change the paint from purple to something more mature. At least there weren’t any posters of boy bands hanging on the walls. It was mostly pictures of my friends and favorite places. Or places I wanted to go. I had a little collection on a bulletin board.

  “Your room is as adorable as you are.”

  Adorable? I grimaced.

  She caught that and laughed. “It’s nice though. You should see my room. It’s stark and cold compared to this.”

  I didn’t picture her in a cold bedroom. I figured hers would be as cool as she dressed, but with more personality. Or maybe she had rainbows all over the walls. That made me chuckle.

  “What?”

  I hadn’t realized she’d been staring at me. “I just thought of something funny.”

  Holding my gaze, she took a step toward me and my breath caught in my throat. “Are you going to share with the rest of the class?”

  Something compelled me to answer. “I was picturing rainbows covering the walls of your room.”

  Laughing, she said, “I’m not that obnoxious about it.”

  A thought occurred to me. I’d assumed her parents knew and accepted her – the confidence she wore like second skin made it seem that way. Decorating her room with lesbian...paraphernalia was a whole different realm of acceptance. “So your parents are okay with it?”

  A shadow passed over her face. It was so brief, I almost didn’t catch it. A second later, it was gone. “Let’s get started. I’m screwed for this Spanish test if I don’t practice.”

  “Okay.”

  We sat on the floor, cross-legged, and laughed our way through attempted conversations. Liv was way better than she claimed to be, making me admire her even more. She was smart, naturally smart, and learned quickly. That explained the honors track we shared, except I had to work hard for my grades. She seemed like the type who breezed through it.

  “Que es tu favorito comida?” she asked.

  “Uhh. Uno gallo.”

  She burst out laughing, letting her head fall back as she leaned toward me. Her hair grazed my leg and I yearned to run my fingers through it.

  “What’s so funny?” I asked, distracting myself from the silky strands. “You said ‘what is your favorite food,’ right?”

  “Yeah and you answered a rooster.”

  “No. I said cookies.”

  “No. Gallo is rooster. Galletas is cookies.”

  “Oh.” I watched her laughter fade, loving the sound of it and wishing she’d do it again.

  “Your turn.” She passed the vocabulary list to me. “Quiz me.”

  “Okay.” I looked over the list. “Digame.”

  “Talk to me.”

  “Contestame.”

  “Answer me.”

  “Besame.”

  “Kiss me.”

  I froze. My heart pounded a furious beat and my fingers went numb. When I looked up, Liv’s eyes were glued to my lips.

  I dropped my gaze to her mouth. The afternoon light from the window fell on her lips, making them glisten like some kind of make-up commercial. Silence stretched on. My mind felt fuzzy. I didn’t know what to do, or say. I waited for Liv to clear the tension but she just stared, her chest rising and falling with heavy breaths.

  Something crashed downstairs, startling me. The spell broke and we both stared at anything but each other.

  I cleared my throat. “Um. Right.” I squirmed then forced myself to look at her. “Wanna stop for a drink?”

  “Yeah,” she answered, breathless. “A break would be good.”

  Putting some space between us helped my heart stopped pounding like a stampede in my chest but it didn’t clear my foggy head. For some reason, I felt like I’d been doing something wrong so I avoided my mom in the living room and went straight for the kitchen. I grabbed two glasses and pinched a pitcher of iced tea between my arm and body. As a second thought, I snatched a handful of cookies too.

  Back in my room, Liv hadn’t moved from her spot. I placed the glasses on my desk then held out the cookies to her, only then realizing how stupid it was that I hadn’t gotten a plate for them.

  “Sorry,” I said with a small smile. “My hands are clean. I promise.”

  She chuckled and took one anyway.

  I poured her a glass of iced tea but as I handed it over, my grip slipped and it spilled all over her shirt.

  “Shit,” she yelled.

  “I’m sorry!” I grabbed a towel from my closet and threw it to her. “I’m so, so sorry!”

  She laughed. “It’s okay.” After wiping the tea as best she could, she looked down at her still-soaked shirt. “Ugh. Do you have a shirt I can borrow?”

  “Of course.” I went to my closet, embarrassed of what I had to offer. Liv wore black and my closet was an array of hot pinks and purples. “Uhh. I don’t think I have anything you’d like.”

  “It doesn’t matter. I’m only here with you.”

  “Okay.” I pulled out a dark pink shirt with black lettering. “Here.” It wasn’t until after I’d handed it over that I realized what it said. What would Jesus do? My chest tightened. I could’ve died.

  Liv looked at the shirt then looked at me, brow arched. “Really?”

  My face felt on fire. “My grandma got it for me. I only sleep in it.”

  Both brows went up and she sputtered a moment, seeming to choke on nothing. “Okay then.”

  “What?”

  She shook her head. “Nothing.” Then she did the strangest thing. She brought the shirt right up to her face and inhaled. “It smells like you.”

  My stomach did several back flips.

  A moment later, she was halfway through taking off her wet t-shirt.

  “Umm.” My cheeks got hotter, if that was even possible. “Do you wanna go in the bathroom or something?”

  “Why bother?” With narrowed eyes and a cocky smirk, she asked, “You said you don’t like girls, right?”

  My mouth dropped open and I searched for some witty retort. What came out instead was all garbled up. “No. Um. Go ahead.”

  I knew she said some other things – they might have even been important – but when she turned around and lifted her shirt above her head, I heard nothing but the pounding of my heart. I’d seen other girls get changed before – in the locker room for gym and when Gabby slept over. It wasn’t like I didn’t know what parts girls had. But I’d never seen it the same way. Or maybe I’d never paid attention.

  Details like the curve of her back to her hips, the way the light played against the paleness of her skin, and how the smoothness beckoned my fingertips – those things were forbidden to notice. Watching her felt dirty and shameful and some other things I probably should have felt guilty about, but I was too transfixed to care. I couldn’t look away.

&nb
sp; It took a moment for me to realize she’d dressed and turned back around. I tore my gaze from her body and looked at the carpet instead. It used to be white. Now it was more of a dingy gray.

  I felt her move – knew it without even looking. There was an electric current between us, sending sparks with every move she made. Like we were connected somehow. She plopped down onto my bed, one leg tucked under the other.

  My feet were glued to the floor.

  “So what’s this church stuff all about?” she asked, oblivious to the battle between my feet and the floor. “Church people hate me. Are you even allowed to hang out with me?”

  The word hate snapped me from my haze. I forced my feet to move and crossed the room. The idea of anyone hating her – my family or friends or even Pastor Dan – made me positively sick. I didn’t ever want her to feel that way with me. “Nobody knows,” I mumbled as I reached my bed. Tentatively, I sat down next to her.

  “I see.” Her face fell.

  “It’s not like that.” I despised making her sad, or feel ashamed of who she was. “I’m not... It’s just easier if I don’t –”

  She smiled but it didn’t reach her eyes. “Hey, I get it. I’ve been this way a long time. People don’t surprise me much anymore.”

  I wanted to. I wanted to be the one to surprise her. With what, I had no idea. Just the feeling of being different, special to her, filled something inside me, satisfied me in a way I didn’t understand. I didn’t know what to say so I blurted, “You have pretty skin.”

  Her eyes crinkled at the corners. “Says the straight girl.”

  Her cocky expression inspired me to grab one of the pillows I’d worked so hard to fluff and throw it at her.

  Laughing, she caught it. “Be careful now. This is exactly how we recruit lesbians for our gay agenda.”

  “By converting straight girls?”

  She snorted. “Please. You’re barely straight.”

  The blood drained from my face. All thought fled like it was abandoning a sinking ship. Sinking to hell. My heart seemed to stop beating then go cold.

  “Audrey.” Liv waved a hand in front of my face. “I’m joking. Jeez.”

  It hadn’t sounded like a joke. Barely straight. Did she really think that? Ridiculous. I was as straight as a girl could get. I’d never even had an erotic dream about a girl. Never. Not once.

  “You should see your face.” She laughed. “I was only messing with you.”

  I wiped my sweaty palms on my pants and gave a shaky smile. “I knew that.”

  Her lips pursed together, as if she were holding back more laughter, and she looked at me from the side of her eyes, amusement still written there. But sweetness too. Not mocking, but affectionate. “Mmhmm. You’re cute when you lie.”

  My head spun and my stomach felt queasy. Tears pricked at my eyes. I didn’t know what was wrong with me but I felt like hyperventilating.

  Space. I needed space.

  I needed her out. No more soft skin, and cocky smirks, and dancing eyes. I needed them out of my head or I was just gonna... Flip out. Or something.

  “It’s getting late,” I said, desperately trying to keep my shit together. “Dinner is probably ready.”

  Her face went slack. “Oh.” She clenched her hands together on her lap. “Okay. Well, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  I dropped my gaze, couldn’t bear to look at her, to see that pained expression on her face. Because now that I’d seen it, I never wanted to be the cause of it again.

  She walked out and I exhaled the breath I’d been holding.

  Chapter 6

  I felt optimistic for the first time in days as I walked into church on Sunday morning. The day after I’d panicked with Liv, I’d decided PMS was to blame. I was always more emotional during that time so it made perfect sense. But I’d been keeping my distance anyway. I couldn’t trust myself not to get all weird around her, and I needed space to get things back to normal. Normal meaning regular girl friendship – no mention of being straight or not straight, or anything in between

  Avoiding her was one of the hardest things I’d ever done, and presented some logistical challenges considering we had three classes together, but I stuck with it. By the weekend, I felt both better and worse. Better because that crazy electrical current between us was gone, but worse because I felt like the shittiest friend in the world. And I knew Liv needed a friend. I could see it in her eyes, the way her body slumped every time I’d made an excuse not to walk to class with her or accept a ride home.

  It almost killed me, but it was going to be worth it in the end. And I was sure that if I explained it, she would understand. Now that those feelings had passed, we could go back to being friends.

  Gabby was already seated in the youth room, and Pastor Dan had started preaching.

  “Hey,” I whispered as I sat down in the empty chair next to her.

  “Listen.” She pointed to our pastor, who stood next to a podium – instead of behind it – to appear less formal and stuffy.

  Gabby telling me to pay attention in church was a first. Usually, she was the one talking my ear off. Once, a stern-looking man had reached over the pew behind us and smacked her right on the shoulder. With a Bible! I still couldn’t believe he’d used the freakin’ Holy Bible as a weapon. I mean, metaphorically was one thing but I thought we weren’t supposed to be whacking people over the head (or shoulder) with them.

  “If we have a friend who’s living in sin...” he said. “Deep, deep in sin, we might have the urge to just...” He threw his hands out to the side. “Leave them alone. Let them live how they want to live. It’s their life not yours, right? You might not want to tell them they’re wrong. You might think it’s none of your business. You worry you’ll anger them or make them sad and then feel guilty. Am I right?”

  Holy Mary Mother of God. I rolled my eyes so hard I was surprised they didn’t fall out of my head.

  Gabby nodded along. I shot her a dirty look and she gestured at him emphatically.

  “It’s hard but being a good friend means sharing the light of Jesus, even if you think it might hurt their feelings in the moment. Remember, we’re talking about eternal life here. Hurt feelings are just a blip on the radar when it comes to forever.”

  I tuned him out. I’d hurt Liv once and I didn’t want to do it again. This wasn’t what I wanted to hear today. Pastor Dan was about to put a serious damper on my good vibes.

  Tomorrow, I had Biology first period. I was ready to laugh with her, dig in the dirt with her, watch her eyes dance while we talked. Nothing could get in the way of that. Not Gabby, not Pastor Dan, and not God.

  Frustrated, I grunted and walked out, trying not to look stompy. Drawing attention to my bad attitude would get a “check-in” with staff and my parents and that was the last thing I needed.

  The autumn air had turned brisk overnight, like it often did in Indiana – warm one day then a sudden snap of cold the next. I pulled my pea coat closer around my body. Fallen leaves littered the ground, creating a path of fire. I had an hour before my parents would be out of adult service so I meandered down the dirt road. The quiet felt nice. Mixed with the dry scent of fall and the reds in the trees, my soul...relaxed. I swore up and down God was out here more than he was in that building.

  Up ahead, I caught sight of a figure that looked familiar. Dressed in black, weaving in out of trees, was a shadow. My heart seemed to leap from my chest, like it was trying to get to her without the rest of me.

  What was Liv doing out here? I fought back the urge to call out and followed her quietly instead. She turned left into the small cemetery behind the church.

  I felt a little creepy as I stalked her but curiosity had gotten the best of me. What was she doing in a cemetery on a Sunday? And all alone? I was so close now that I could hear her footsteps crunch on the leaves. I tried to step at the same time so she wouldn’t hear me.

  Crunch.

  She spun, her eyes narrowed into fearsome slits. “What do you
want?”

  I jumped back, startled.

  Recognition hit. “Fuck.” She sucked in a breath. “It’s just you. You scared me. What are you doing, being all creepy like that?” Her eyes dipped down my body then back up, but she didn’t smile or give me a heated look. Her upper lip curled into a sneer.

  “Um.” The unexpected look threw me off guard. I thought she’d be happy to see me. “Sorry. I saw you from the church and wanted to say hi.”

  “Oh now you’re talking to me again?” She turned and walked away. “How nice.”

  “What?” My feet followed while I tried to sort through what was happening. “Oh. I just needed a little break to figure things out. But it’s okay now. We can be friends again.”

  She stopped and whirled on me. “We can be friends again? Just like that, huh?”

  I nodded, feeling cold dread slip into my gut. Was she angry?

  “Well, I’m glad your little crisis is over.” She crossed her arms over her chest and pierced me with a glare. She was definitely angry. “You know, I’m not a toy you can tuck away then take out to play with again when you feel like it, Audrey.”

  “I...I’m sorry.”

  “You should be.” Her eyes watered. She turned her face away but not before I saw it.

  I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t thought about how it’d feel to her. I mean, I’d seen the disappointment in her eyes, but... Nothing prepared me to deal with this. I felt like I’d been sucker-punched in the gut. All I wanted to do was fix it. Fix her sadness, make her smile again.

  “I missed you,” she said, voice broken. “And I thought you hated me. I spent days playing things over in my mind, wondering what I did wrong.”

  “Nothing,” I whispered. It was hard to swallow. “It wasn’t you.”

  Brow furrowed, she picked her head up and stalked toward me. Her expression pinned me in place. Determined, angry... It made my insides melt and I didn’t dare move. She pushed me up against the tree at my back. I yelped though it didn’t hurt. Just scared me a little, which sent a thrill rushing through me. I was so messed up.