Almost Straight

by Justice Serai

  Nose-to-nose, eyes boring into mine, she grated, “Don’t do that to me again.”

  “I won’t.”

  “Never again.”

  I nodded, stunned and a little turned on. “Okay.”

  She kept my gaze, didn’t hold anything back, and in her eyes I saw it – desire. I felt it too. Her hands held my shoulders, gentle but firm. Her chest heaved, making her minty breath swirl around me. It mixed with the rest of her scent – comforting and familiar. Heat from her body seemed to melt through my coat and go straight to my chest. My knees felt like they’d buckle any second.

  She leaned in. Electricity sizzled. Damn. I thought I’d gotten rid of that.

  Her face inched closer. We were both panting. Her expression crumpled for a half a second then she mashed her lips against mine.

  My mind went numb. She was soft, like satin against my lips. And she tasted like candy. It was possibly the softest, sweetest thing I’d ever experienced. So perfect and beautiful, I wished I could bottle it and save it for later.

  Warmth spread from my chest all the way down to my toes. My legs grew weak under her sweet assault.

  Kissing a girl was so...different. Softer. Tastier. Better.

  She seduced me, slowly, playfully.

  Then it hit me. I was kissing a girl.

  Oh my god, I was kissing a girl!

  Was I supposed to be disgusted? Should I have pulled away? For some reason, the girl part seemed completely irrelevant. It was just Liv. And I liked kissing her. I parted my lips to give her more of me, but then she stopped with a gasp.

  Eyes wide, she backed away. Her gaze flickered over my face, and mine dropped to her lips. They were red and swollen and I decided I liked that look very much on her.

  But then she started to tremble. “I’m sorry, Audrey.” She swallowed hard. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. It’s just... I missed you. And then you were here and looked so beautiful and kissable –”

  “It’s okay,” I choked out.

  She shook her head, staring at the ground. “It’s not. I didn’t even ask. You’re not even –”

  “Do it again.”

  Her head jerked up. “What?”

  My voice sounded far away and completely out of my control when I answered, “Do it again.”

  She watched me for a long moment, maybe waiting for me to take it back. I should have, my head knew that, but my body rebelled. It was in the fast lane straight to debauchery.

  My fingers dug into the tree bark behind me and I pushed forward, urging her to kiss me again.

  She did. Starting softer this time, she went to tease me, but I couldn’t handle it. A sudden fever hit. I moaned and put everything I had into the kiss. She latched on and gave back, moving urgently against my mouth, like we’d be torn apart any second. Maybe we would be. I wrapped my arms around her neck, and she grabbed my coat, holding me against her. But I wasn’t going anywhere.

  The world faded away and all I heard was her heartbeat matching mine. All I smelled was her scent – mint and fabric softener. And all I felt was her body – breasts pressed against mine, her hot skin on my face, her hair tickling my neck.

  Something clicked into place in my soul. Kissing a girl against a tree in the cemetery felt right for all the wrong reasons. Later, I’d have to deal with the consequences of my sins. But for now, I let my conscience slip away, and Liv’s sweet mouth took its place.

  Chapter 7

  I walked back to church in a daze. My limbs felt numb. I wasn’t even sure how I was making them move. But as soon as I’d heard the benediction hymn, I’d fled. Without even so much as a goodbye to Liv.

  When I checked behind me, she was gone. The tree looked like an ordinary tree, not magical like it’d been in my head – not where a straight girl had kissed a lesbian and felt more whole and alive than ever before. I hadn’t even asked what she was doing there.

  My feet felt weighted down with each step toward the church doors. Like something had been strapped to them. Cinderblocks. Cinderblocks of sin. How could I walk through those doors, knowing what I’d just done? God would strike me dead. My heart jumped to my throat. How could I ever set foot in that building again?

  Thankfully, service had let out by the time I got there. It seemed everyone was enjoying the cool air, and the first taste of autumn.

  Gabby ran to me. “Where’d you go?”

  “For a walk,” I managed to croak. “I was feeling stuffy.”

  She nodded. “Guilt.”

  My gaze flew to her face. Did she know? Had she seen us?

  “Because you know you should talk to Liv about converting.”

  I exhaled the breath I’d been holding. No one had seen us. They couldn’t possibly. We were too far away and the other trees had blocked the view.

  “My mom says you can come out to lunch with us.” Gabby smiled then went to grab my hand.

  I pulled back. “I can’t,” I lied. “I have to do my calculus homework.”

  “Oh. Okay.” She started talking about a math test coming up but I tuned her out. I had one thing on my mind. Get out now.

  I caught sight of my parents near the door, talking with a group of friends. I needed to get away from God’s people, away from their judging eyes.

  I cut Gabby off with the homework excuse and said a quick goodbye.

  As I walked through the sea of people, my lips felt like a fiery brand of guilt. Like I was Hester and had just gotten my scarlet letter. Were they looking at me differently? Could they read my sins on my face? Could they sense my guilt?

  My head spun. No. It was all in my mind. They couldn’t possibly know.

  But God knew. I felt it in my soul. My dirty, tainted soul. Was there enough forgiveness in Him to just let this one go? Let this one little blip slip by? I mean, I was a good person otherwise. Was I doomed to hell now that I’d tasted the forbidden fruit and let lust consume me?

  It was damn good fruit.

  “We have to go,” I said once I reached my parents.

  They turned to me, slightly shocked, and I realized how I must’ve sounded.

  I leaned in and whispered, “Stomach ache.”

  My dad nodded then put his hand on my mom’s back. They said their goodbyes, collected Ben, and we all drove off. In the back of the car, my cheeks flamed as hot as my soul eventually would.

  Once we returned home, I mumbled something about homework then escaped to my room. For a long time, I stared out the window. Every time my gaze passed over a tree, I saw her there, leaning against it, lips freshly kissed, flushed cheeks, eyes half-lidded. Beautiful.

  My text alert beeped. I picked my phone up from the table, expecting it to be Gabby demanding an explanation for the blow-off. But it wasn’t. It was Liv.

  I’m sorry if that freaked you out. We don’t ever have to do it again. But I really want to be friends. I would just die if this ruined things between us. Please say you’ll still be my friend.

  My heart pitter-pattered, making me feel light-headed. I couldn’t imagine not having her as a friend either but... How did we move on from here?

  I pictured her face as I read the message over again. I remembered her expression when I’d avoided her last week, the pain and loneliness there. Unable to bear causing that again, I typed a message back.

  Of course we can still be friends. But we probably shouldn’t...

  I paused, thinking through how to say it best. For some reason, my fingers couldn’t spell the word. K-i-s-s. It felt too real.

  ...do that again. But I don’t want to lose you as a friend either.

  I hit send then waited for a reply.

  Phew. I’m so glad you said that. And again, I’m sorry. I don’t usually do that sort of thing. I’m not one of those lesbians ;)

  Panicked, I pressed the off button. It said “lesbian” on my phone. For some reason, it felt like an admission of guilt. So far, my parents had never insisted on checking my phone messages, but what if they started? They would s
ee her message and know. What would they do? Disown me? Send me away for rehabilitation? The possibilities were too terrifying to take chances. I turned my phone back on then deleted our conversation. Anything else could be said in person.

  I wasn’t sure how we would go on from here. Whenever I saw her lips, I’d see that tree, taste that moment. But I was straight. Wasn’t I? Yes. This must’ve happened because I knew she was a lesbian. It was there, in the back of my mind. Subconsciously, knowing she was a lesbian had influenced me to try it. I’d bet my entire savings that other straight girls kissed their lesbian friends once, just to see what it was like. To be sure. To be sure they weren’t... They didn’t like... Well, to be sure they were all the way straight.

  Now that I’d passed the test, it would never, ever happen again.

  ***

  I kissed Liv in the basement bathroom outside the orchestra room the very next day.

  “This is the last time,” I rasped, as our lips moved in rhythm.

  “I know,” she muttered against me.

  The background music was dreadful and the bathroom smelled musty and old because no one ever used it. If you had to go during orchestra practice, where I played the viola (terribly), you climbed the stairs and went to the one across from the nurse.

  But that was what made it safe, so we ignored the smell and nails-on-chalkboard orchestra rehearsal and made out in our version of heaven.

  Heaven. Kissing Liv was heaven. I pushed thoughts of eternal life and damnation to the way far back of my mind. How could something so wrong feel so right?

  Liv had study hall while I had orchestra practice fifth period. I only took it for the arts credit since I sucked at drawing. I sucked at music too but I’d started the viola in fourth grade and I figured if it took care of a credit, I might as well continue. It wasn’t as if the rest of us didn’t suck too. We got an A just for showing up. Maybe if the school cared about the music program as much as they cared about sports, we wouldn’t be fumbling our way through Handel’s Messiah, making the music teacher’s ears bleed. It was no wonder they put us in the basement.

  Halfway through class, I’d looked up and there was Liv, in the doorway, watching me. I stopped playing as my mouth fell open and my insides twisted into knots. My chair partner, Gia, poked me and I rushed to catch up, jamming my bow too hard and almost hitting her in the face.

  She growled and I mouthed “sorry.”

  Liv waved to me and the urge to see her up close, smell her, touch her, overwhelmed me. I’d wondered that morning if it’d be awkward after what’d happened yesterday, but even from a distance, just seeing her face made my day...brighter. I placed my viola on my chair and slipped out the side door.

  Mr. Monroe let us take bathroom breaks whenever we wanted. He probably figured we needed relief from our own abysmal efforts.

  We grinned and made small talk but the risk of running into teachers in the hallway was too high to linger. Liv pulled me into the bathroom. My focus went to our hands, how perfectly they fit, how warm hers felt.

  In the bathroom, we grinned some more. She licked her lips. My heart stopped. Then we kissed.

  I promised myself it would be the last time. Kissing her was becoming an addiction. I had to resist now while it was still in the easy stages. If we kept pretending this wasn’t a big deal, I’d go full on shakes and trembles need-a-fix addict on her. And detoxing didn’t sound pleasant. Not when I had to sit next to her in Biology and watch those magic lips move every time she spoke.

  Besides, kissing Liv was good practice for my next boyfriend. The one who’d be taking me to prom. And if I looked at the big picture – it was good for my husband too. Surely, God would want me to have practice for that. Didn’t the Bible say girls should catch a husband and go forth and bear children? Or something.

  When Liv slipped her tongue into my mouth, my mind hazed over. I wanted to put my hand under her shirt, just a little, to feel her skin. Was it as smooth and soft as it looked? My fingers itched to try it, but I didn’t want to freak her out. Okay, I didn’t want to freak myself out. Kissing a girl (by accident!) was one thing but feeling her up pushed me into a category other than straight.

  And one thing I knew for sure, I was still straight.

  Chapter 8

  “Liv, would you like to come to youth group tonight?” Gabby asked in her sweetest, most polite voice at lunch.

  I almost spit out my mouthful of soda. Instead, I choked it down then started coughing. All eyes turned to me.

  “Sorry,” I said between sputters. “Swallowed weird.”

  Liv’s gaze lingered on me, her eyes bright with humor.

  “Taylor is coming,” Gabby continued. “Right, Tay?”

  She shrugged. “They have cookies.”

  “So do we.” Liv winked at me.

  I choked on another swig of soda.

  Ignoring that, Liv turned to Gabby. “Um. Not tonight. I have plans.”

  “Oh.” Her face fell. “Okay. Well you should come sometime. Right, Audrey?” Gabby nudged my elbow.

  I knew she wanted me to convince Liv to go to church but I was having enough trouble bringing myself to go. In fact, I’d been fighting back waves of nausea about it all day. It’d been three days since I first kissed Liv. I thought it’d been a fluke – a one-time slip of control – but in three days, I hadn’t been able to stop myself from doing it again. And again. And again.

  “Well?” Liv said with a pointed look. “Should I go to church with you, girly?”

  She’s taken to calling me girly when she was in a flirty mood. When I’d protested, she told me I was lucky it was that innocent. I’d rolled my eyes, but inside, I was glowing.

  Now, I knew she was teasing me. As if Liv would ever go to church – as if I’d ever take her! But Jesus, did she have to be so obvious about it? And why did it always sound like she was mocking me?

  I lifted my chin and glared at her. “Yes. I absolutely think you should come to church with me, Liv.”

  From the corner of my eye, I caught Taylor and Gabby exchange a look.

  Liv shrugged. “Maybe I will.”

  “Great.”

  “Fabulous.”

  We stared each other down. She was bluffing, right?

  “What the heck is going on?” Gabby demanded, breaking the tension.

  Taylor put her hands up in the air like she was giving up on this one. The bell rang, saving us from having to explain. On the way to next period, I nudged Liv into an empty corner as the hallway cleared. We’d be late to Spanish but I didn’t care.

  “You’re not really coming to church, are you?”

  “Hell no.” She laughed. “People like me don’t belong there.”

  “But I do?” I snorted. It was a joke because, you know, it took two people to kiss.

  She looked at me, deadpan, and said, “Only you can answer that.”

  What exactly was that supposed to mean? And why did she look so serious all of the sudden? When she turned to head to class, I grabbed her arm, stopping her.

  “I don’t like when you make fun of me about church,” I told her.

  Her eyes warmed as she tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear. “Not you, gorgeous. Just that religion.”

  I crinkled my forehead, trying to decide how I felt about that. Religion wasn’t something you just dumped on a whim – not when it’d been such a big part of your life up till then. “But...it’s still my religion.”

  Her brows shot up. “It is? Even knowing what I am. And that we’re –”

  “We’re what?” I demanded. “What are we?”

  Face sober, she straightened her back and said, “You’re my girlfriend.”

  My mouth dropped open. Then closed. Then opened again. I fumbled for words. Mostly, I had no idea what to think. A label made it real – not an experiment, not a temporary moment of weakness (or moments as it were). It was a relationship. It was real. My head was like, no no no. Bad bad bad. But my heart was beating wildly like, yes yes yes
! I tried to listen to my gut but it only gurgled from the soda. And my soul... Well, it was strangely quiet.

  I was lost.

  When I didn’t answer, Liv cocked her head and asked, “Well, aren’t you?”

  My head moved without my control, nodding slightly.

  Her face lit up and she flung her arms around me. “Me gustas mucho!”

  That reminded me... “Crap! We’re late!”

  Laughing, we ran to Spanish class and made it just before the final bell. Once I was seated and Señora Martinez started class, I turned over in my head what Liv had said in the hallway.

  Me gustas mucho.

  I like you very much.

  ***

  I stared at the untouched pork chop on my plate. It stared back, silently judging me. Judging me for not being brave enough to protest going to youth group, but not being brave enough to go either.

  Shut up, pork chop. You don’t know me.

  “Audrey,” my mom said. “You haven’t eaten a bite. Are you having stomach problems again? Maybe you should see a doctor.”

  Yeah. Sure. Maybe he could cure me of my sudden attraction to girls too. No. Wait. Girl. Singular. Just one. I wasn’t a lesbian. Or even bisexual. On the scale of sexuality, my arrow still pointed straight.

  Well, maybe a teensy bit crooked when I kissed Liv, but then back to straight again.

  Fuck (now was definitely the time for cursing). I was so screwed. With a sigh, I dropped my head into my hands. I wished I had someone to talk to about this. Gabby would only lecture me. Taylor didn’t give a crap. My parents... That was laughable. The guidance counselor at school? She’d only tell my parents. I did not trust their confidentiality policy worth a cent.

  Where was someone like me supposed to turn for stuff like this?

  Then I had an epiphany. A light turned on and I swore I heard angels singing. The light ended up being my brother switching on the overhead, but the angels were real.

  God.

  God was the answer. And since he didn’t always talk back, not in an audible voice anyway (unless you ate certain wild mushrooms at church camp by accident), the next best thing was Pastor Dan. Sure, it was a risk. He might grill me or report me, but I could claim I was asking about a friend – make it sound like I was being a good witness for Jesus. My career exam had said I was an actress, so now was the time to use it.