Almost Straight

by Justice Serai

  The retreat center used to be a winter resort that a family converted for large groups, mostly religious organizations but the bulletin board listed schools and non-religious clubs used the facility too. But this weekend it was packed with teenagers from two churches, which meant a lot of noise and no privacy.

  The noise part was good because Liv and I could joke around without fear of being heard. The privacy part... Well, that was a pain in the ass.

  All afternoon, Liv had found every opportunity she could get to push me up against the wall of an empty hallway and kiss me, or pin me to the bed when everyone else was at Bible study.

  “At least the food is good,” I countered, staying several feet away from her, in case she got any ideas. We’d had a couple close calls already and I didn’t want to tempt fate. “I wonder what we’ll do tomorrow instead of skiing.”

  “Will they let us stay here?”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “So we have to stand outside in the cold?”

  “Last year, me and Gabby sat in the lodge playing on our phones and watching The Real Housewives of Orange County marathon on the TV.”

  She sighed. “This is boring as fuck.”

  “Shh!”

  Waving a dismissive hand, she said, “They already think I’m a heathen. What’s a few fucks gonna do?”

  I couldn’t argue with that so I stood there quietly, waiting for her to finish her fit about boredom. I felt a little bad dragging her with me, knowing it wouldn’t be much fun for her. But there had to be something she would like – if not the food or the skiing, something.

  “I think they’re going to have games tonight,” I offered.

  She arched a brow at me then snorted. “I can’t even imagine what Games for Jesus will be like.” Laughing, she added, “Pin the body on the crucifix?”

  I shifted my weight and frowned at her. She had a point, but it annoyed me a little. Did she have to make fun of everything? “It’s silly games like stuffing marshmallows in your mouth and making a human knot and things like that. If you don’t want to do it, just don’t go. Pretend you’re sick or something.”

  She stared at me for a moment then held her arms open. “I’m sorry, hun. I don’t mean to insult your people. I’m just really uncomfortable and trying to make myself feel better.” She waved for me to come to her but I didn’t.

  I watched the floor as if there were answers magically written there. I wanted her to understand, and them to understand, and my parents to understand, and everyone to understand everyone else. If this was going to be my life, the different parts needed to reconcile with each other. Was that even possible?

  When I went to church with Gabby, would Liv always pout at home or laugh at me? Was I supposed to drop my faith altogether to be with her? Wasn’t there a way to have both?

  “Come here,” Liv cajoled. “You know you want to.”

  I sighed and gave in because I still wasn’t very good at resisting her. If we had a future together, I had to work on that.

  When I stopped in front of her, she wrapped her arms around my waist and leaned back to look at me. “I’m getting used to it. And I’ll try to keep my comments to myself, okay? I promise.”

  I nodded. One down, the rest of the world to go.

  “I don’t mean to hurt your feelings.” She kissed my belly, her lips soft and making me miss them.

  “I know.”

  Her hands drifted from my low back down to my ass and she squeezed. I squeaked in surprise then glared when she laughed at me.

  “You’re so cute, I can’t stand it!” she declared right before wrestling me onto the bed with her.

  Giggling, I looked up at her while she peered down at me, smiling, her eyes shining with the depth of her love. And for a moment, I got lost in them, completely forgetting where we were.

  “Audrey?” A voice cut through the moment like a knife through butter.

  A man’s voice.

  I shot up, shoving Liv off of me. She slid over to the end of the bed, her eyes as wide with panic as mine probably were.

  Pastor Dan stood in the doorway, head cocked to the side, brow furrowed.

  Mother fucker.

  “Um...” Crap. How did I explain this one? My heart thudded so loud in my ears I could barely hear my own voice. “Yes?”

  He peered around the room then tentatively stepped inside. “What...uh...what are you girls doing all alone in here?”

  “She had something in her eye,” Liv blurted.

  I let out a breath of relief. Thank you, baby Jesus, for Liv’s quick-thinking brain.

  “Yeah.” I rubbed my sweaty palms on my jeans. “It was just an eyelash.” As he moved closer, I gave him my most winning smile.

  Liv did her best to look innocent too but on her, it just didn’t work. Her haircut alone would make most parents do a double-take but add the all-black wardrobe, which had been turning more masculine lately, and she looked like the poster child for anti-gay campaigns.

  No matter how masculine she dressed, her face would always be feminine. With her cat eyes that sparkled when she was amused, and her wide perfect smile, no one would really mistake her for a boy.

  Though maybe it would be better if they did.

  “Okay,” he said, suspicion in his voice. He eyed us carefully then crossed his arms. “Are you coming for game night?”

  “Yes,” I answered then stood up from the bed.

  Liv grabbed my wrist. “Couldn’t we stay here and, like, read or something? Games aren’t really my thing.”

  “Hmm.” He watched her for a moment, looking like he was trying to read her mind. Was God beaming our sins into his brain right now? “Well, that’s not really how it works. The point of the trip is to spend time fellowshipping together.”

  I cringed. “Fellowshipping” was another one of those Christian words no one outside the bubble understood.

  When Liv opened her mouth, he cut her off. “Why don’t you come try it out for a little while then if you want to turn in early I’ll have one of the staff accompany you back to the bedroom.”

  That was a nice way of saying, “no chance in hell am I leaving you two alone again.”

  Shaking my wrist free, I smiled. “That would be fine.” I peered back at Liv and gave her such a look she should have withered on the spot.

  Instead, she nodded. “Okay.”

  The rest of the night, I felt his eyes on me, judging, reading the sins I was sure God wrote in some kind of ink only pastors could see on my forehead. I barely spoke to Liv and made sure I seemed extra enthusiastic during the games with the other kids. Liv looked downright sulky but if he already suspected something was up, I had to avoid her to save both our asses.

  I explained this later that night after everyone fell asleep. She slipped out of her bed and knelt beside mine.

  “Don’t sit so close to me tomorrow,” I whispered. “And talk loudly about boys.”

  “That’s ridiculous.”

  “They’re watching me. I know they are. We can’t seem like we’re too close or...”

  “I came here to be with you!” she hissed. “I don’t know anybody else. I’m not gonna sit by myself or pretend to talk about celebrities or whatever. It’s dumb.”

  I should never have brought her. This was my worst fear – my two worlds colliding. Two worlds that didn’t belong anywhere near each other. Now we were set on a course for destruction. I had one chance to stop it.

  Her eyes looked watery but it was hard to tell in the dark. Her lip trembled. Unable to help myself, I reached out and touched her face. Whenever she was hurting, it felt like my heart was being clawed out of my chest.

  “Don’t be sad, beautiful.” My voice tightened. “You know I love you.”

  She nodded. “I know.” Her gaze fell to the ground. “I just hate...” A loud gulp then her voice broke. “Never mind. I’ll sit somewhere else. I’ll be more careful.”

  Tears filled my eyes. I couldn’t stand to see her this way.
After checking to make sure no one stirred, I slid out from under the covers and onto the floor. She pulled me into her arms. I let my head rest on her stomach.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, tears falling down my cheeks. “I wish I was braver.”

  She hugged my head awkwardly but I didn’t care. “It’s not your fault. The last thing I want to do is ruin your life. I’m being selfish.”

  Here in the safety of her arms, I had a hard time caring if Pastor Dan knew about us, or anyone else from this stupid church. Like the kids at school, it didn’t matter what the rumors were – it was worth it to be myself with Liv.

  The only problem with that involved my parents. As soon as Pastor Dan knew, my parents would. That was the only thing stopping me from saying “screw you, world” and crawling into bed with Liv.

  Her stomach gurgled under my head and I giggled.

  “Shh.” She shook me playfully.

  “Your stomach is going to wake them up before my laughing does.”

  “Very funny. Now go to bed before Pastor Dan does a room check or something. It would be just our luck that he catches us twice. If I say you have something in your eye again, they’ll have me exorcised in no time and I definitely didn’t sign up for that shit.”

  With a grumble, I rose and got back into bed. “They don’t do that kind of stuff, dork.”

  She chuckled then climbed into her bed several feet from mine.

  “I love you, dork,” I whispered.

  “I love you too.”

  We smiled at each other until sleep took us.

  Chapter 21

  The lodge wasn’t as busy as I’d expected. Bad skiing today, they said. I wouldn’t know the difference but that was what all the snowboarders had said on the way there – apparently it was too warm and the snow slushy. Didn’t feel warm to me but what did I know?

  Liv and I both ordered pizza at the lodge cafeteria for lunch and sat with the rest of the group, trying to look interested in what other people were saying and making sure our bodies were at least three feet apart. It was tedious and annoying as hell, and I wasn’t sure it was working anyway. Pastor Dan was still giving me strange looks.

  We’d spent the first half of the day on the overstuffed couch, watching a documentary about seals on the Discovery Channel. I could tell Liv had been having a hard time not flirting with me, or touching me, but she’d managed. Her heavy sighs and pouty looks had been adorable though. I consoled myself with the fact that one day, it wouldn’t be like this. Once I turned eighteen, I didn’t have to hide. If my parents kicked me out, I could get my own place.

  I frowned down at my pizza. I didn’t want to lose my family, but I didn’t want to lose myself either, or Liv. Gabby accepted things, didn’t that mean my parents could?

  Liv nudged me with her elbow, pulling me back to attention.

  “How is it different from a guy and a girl kissing in public?” someone said from across the table.

  He was met with stunned silence.

  My heart kicked into overdrive as I scanned the room for context. Sure enough, just to my left, two men were holding hands, smiling at each other, showing a tasteful amount of PDA but they were clearly in love. To me, it looked normal, but I knew church people well enough to see where this was going.

  Some idiot must’ve made a comment about the gay couple. The kid who’d challenged it was named Cameron. A mousy boy who mostly kept to himself.

  “Love is love,” Liv agreed quietly, nodding to Cameron.

  No one answered for a moment, and a few of the girls actually seemed surprised to see her there, like she’d been invisible until now. The staff’s gazes flew to her hair before sending each other knowing looks.

  A fierce urge to protect her rushed through me. I pictured myself pushing her behind my back and telling everyone to fuck off because she was kinder and more giving and smarter than any Christian I’d ever known and that they should look at their own faults before daring to say a word about my girlfriend.

  I tamped down that craziness and swallowed hard, praying it would be the end of the discussion. Or maybe a meteor will fall on the mountain and cause a distraction. Yeah, that’d be good.

  “It’s gross,” one girl said, scrunching her nose. “I don’t want to see that while I’m eating.”

  A few nodded in agreement.

  I wondered if Pastor Dan would tell them they were, at the very least, being rude. When I looked over at him, he was staring at me.

  I met his gaze, trying not to look afraid though my knees shook under the table.

  “In some countries, they’d be stoned for that,” one guy said then shoved his pizza in his mouth.

  I wanted to punch him in his big, dumb face. Anger hit me like an avalanche. “It’s no grosser than watching you shove your tongue down Victoria’s throat.”

  His eyes widened.

  Pastor Dan cleared his throat before the kid could reply. “Let’s settle down.” He looked at the boy. “Jackson, Jesus says to love our enemies –”

  “Enemies?” Liv interrupted. “What did they ever do to you?”

  “Nothing. I’m just making a point. He said to love everyone,” he clarified. “Friends, strangers, enemies, everyone. Making derogatory remarks isn’t being very Christ-like. That being said,” he looked at me, “homosexuality is a sin and as Christians we can take a stand to say it’s wrong but there’s redemption in Jesus Christ.” His gaze switched to Liv. “The best way to do that is to embrace them, so they know that within the church, they’ll be loved and protected.”

  Liv’s brows went up but she kept her mouth shut.

  One of the volunteer workers changed the topic and everyone followed along, talking about how they wished the trip had been last weekend when there’d been fresh snow. I let out a breath of relief and Liv gave my leg a squeeze under the table which I took to mean she approved.

  By the time we left for home later that evening, everyone was exhausted. The bus ride back was nearly silent as most people slept or played on their phones.

  Liv leaned into me and whispered in my ear, “That kid who defended the gay couple...”

  “Cameron?”

  “Yeah. He’s totally gay.”

  “What?” I pictured him in my mind. Button down shirts, khaki pants, hair parted to one side – he always looked like he was on his way to a chess match. Was my gaydar that broken or was Liv full of crap? Well, she’s been right about Miss Robson anyway. “How do you know that?”

  “I can just tell. He’s in hiding, like you are. He’s pretty good though. The quiet nerdy thing is working for him.” She slid me a smile. “Bet he paints his nails at night then takes it off in the morning.”

  I rolled my eyes. “That’s a stereotype. You should know better.”

  She laughed. “I know. But it’s funny.”

  “I’m sure there are plenty of nerdy gay people and goth gay people and jock gay people and –”

  “Cute, girly gay people.” She flicked my flowered skirt, grinning. “With polka dot headbands and purple leggings.”

  Grumbling, I pushed her hand away from my thigh. “I’m not gay.”

  She leaned in closer so her lips were almost touching my ear. Her breath tickled and made me melt at the same time. For a few seconds, she just breathed and I felt my eyelids flutter. Then she rasped, “You are for me.”

  “Hey, girls!”

  Liv flew back to her side of the seat and I leaned the other direction and it looked like we suddenly caught a whiff of BO on the other. With a sigh, I relaxed and sat normal, and Liv did the same. God, we really had to work on the knee-jerk reactions.

  Becca grinned at us from the seat in front of ours where she was turned around kneeling. “I thought we could talk for a while. I didn’t see you much this weekend. It was so busy.” She chuckled.

  “Yeah.” I gave her a half-smile.

  “You two seemed to keep disappearing too.”

  Though she was still smiling, it felt like an accusation.<
br />
  Liv answered, “The schedule was so confusing to keep track of. We kept ending up in the wrong places at the wrong times.” She fake-laughed and I said another silent thanks for her quick-thinking.

  “Well,” Becca said. “We’ve got an hour ride so we can get to know each other now!”

  “Great.” I tried to look happy and interested but felt my heart sink.

  “Great,” Liv repeated with the same lack-luster.

  “Great!” Becca set her arms on the seat as if settling in for a long talk.

  An hour of false interest and vague answers. This would be the bus ride from hell. I wondered if Becca would think Liv and I were the worst sinners on it.

  Chapter 22

  I checked my phone during lunch the day after the ski trip, surprised to find a text from my mom. She never texted me during school, afraid to distract me from learning. Weird. I read the text while Liv told Taylor about the ski trip.

  Come home right after school today please.

  That was it. It sounded cold and I felt a rush of nerves. Our report cards were due any day now. Had my C- dragged my grade down to below a B+? No way. I was fairly confident my grades were still decent. So what was the problem?

  A piece of popcorn bounced off my forehead. Scowling, I looked at Liv.

  She chuckled. “What’s with the death glare, girly?”

  I picked up the stray popcorn and threw it back. “My mom texted me to come home right after school today.”

  “Bummer. I wanted to check out the new smoothie place downtown.”

  Taylor snorted.

  “What?” She smirked. “That’s where all the lesbians hang out, you know.”

  Liv didn’t catch on that something could be wrong. Instead of explaining, I swallowed my nerves and gazed around the cafeteria for a distraction.

  Grayson walked in. I’d been avoiding him since the incident. Luckily, I knew which classes he had and where his locker was so it wasn’t too hard to make detours when needed. When we shared lunch period, I ignored him.

  But today was different. He had his arms slung around a slender girl’s shoulders. I recognized her bright red hair. Amber. We’d been partners last year in theater class. Nice girl. Did she know what a dick her new boyfriend was?