Almost Straight

by Justice Serai

  When he walked by, he tossed me a scathing glare. As if he had any right to look at me in disgust when he’d been the one who’d assaulted me. I wanted to punch that look right off his stupid face.

  Liv must’ve noticed my fingers curl into a fist. She placed her hand over mine. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing,” I muttered, clearing him from my mind. He wasn’t worth the trouble. The fact that he was still so angry made me wonder if he’d liked me more than he’d let on. Like my mom always said, “men are as insecure as small children. The more insecure, the more indifferent or mean they get.”

  Grayson Dillon was the opposite of the hot shit girls thought he was. He was a little boy who needed validation from a string of girlfriends to make himself feel good. It was sad, really.

  “Soooo,” Gabby said, as she approached the table with a piece of pizza on a plate. “How was skiing?”

  I chuckled, grimly. “We wouldn’t know.”

  She turned to Liv. “Did you have fun?”

  “It was weird,” she answered honestly. “You church people are weird.”

  “Right?” Taylor banged her hand on the table. “That’s what I always say.”

  They had far too much in common. I glared at Taylor before I could stop myself.

  “No offense,” she added, catching my expression. But that wasn’t what my glare was about.

  Gabby and Taylor launched into a debate about church. Liv smiled at me. I smiled back.

  “You just don’t have an open mind.”

  “My mind is open. It’s wide open! You’re the one with the closed mind.”

  We both chuckled. Liv mouthed, I love you.

  I answered, “Ditto.”

  ***

  I breathed a sigh of relief at the mailbox that afternoon. My report card was there. Straight As except one B+ in English (because Miss Troy had turned into a bitch). I skipped to the house, in a better mood now. My dad would buy ice cream for the family to celebrate, even though good grades were expected.

  Smiling, I opened the front door. “Mom? My report –”

  The scene in the living room froze me in place. The blood drained from my face as dread seized me.

  My gaze fell on Pastor Dan first. He sat in the recliner across from my parents, arms resting on his knees. My mom was across from him, face bright red like she’d just been crying. And my dad was next to her, a hand placed on her leg reassuringly. On the coffee table was what looked like a stack of brochures and small booklets. The top one read So My Teenager is Gay.

  Oh fuck.

  All eyes turned to me. I was pretty sure my heart stopped beating and I’d pass out any second. Time seemed to stop as ringing grew loud in my ears. Nobody said anything for what felt like forever.

  A chill sent a shudder through me, reminding me the door was wide open and it was winter. Slowly, I closed it. My heart felt like it was sinking to my knees. Was there any hope in denying I was anything other than straight now? Could I convince them that Pastor Dan was wrong?

  My dad cleared his throat and frowned. “Come in, Audrey. We need to talk.”

  I didn’t feel myself move but somehow I ended up on the second recliner, gripping the arms so tight it probably left claw marks.

  Pastor Dan had the nerve to smile at me. “I was just talking to your parents about a few suspicions I had over the weekend.”

  My gaze fell on the literature on the table. A blue pamphlet stood out with big words at the top.

  New Hope Rehabilitation Center.

  “You’re gonna send me away?” I shrieked.

  My dad put his hand out in a calming motion. “No. Pastor Dan was just giving us some...options.”

  Panic made my heart race. My eyes burned with tears. Were they actually thinking about sending me away to some anti-gay rehab center in the middle of Bumblefuck, USA? The betrayal hurt like nothing I’d ever felt. My own parents...

  “We’re not going to send you away,” my mom said. “But we need to hear the truth. From you. Pastor Dan said it seemed like you and Liv were...having an inappropriate relationship. Is that true?”

  Inappropriate relationship? Were they serious? Panic changed to anger and I shot forward in my seat. “It’s called dating.”

  “So...” Tears filled her eyes. “So you’re...a lesbian?”

  Was there anything I could say to persuade them not to believe Pastor Dan or were their minds made up already? It was hard to tell. I knew my parents trusted me but I knew they trusted the church too – maybe more. After all, I was just a teenager and we were supposed to be rebellious and struggling with sin. Usually things like the occasional graffiti or binge drinking, not engaging in an “inappropriate relationship” with someone of the same gender. And even though I wasn’t doing anything wrong, still got A’s, never even had a drink of beer, apparently I still belonged in the place they send the “bad kids.”

  That hurt so bad I could barely breathe.

  It also made me very angry.

  I could try to deny Liv, our relationship, who I was, and who I loved, but Liv deserved better. And Pastor Dan... Well, he deserved shit.

  With a deep breath, I told them the truth. “I’m not a lesbian. I’m bisexual. That means I can fall in love with either gender. But you should be glad because it means I can see past what’s on the outside and love someone for who they are on the inside.” Would that tidbit save me? Probably not.

  My parents seemed at a loss for words. Pastor Dan leaned forward and looked at me. “Audrey, there’s no such thing as bisexual. I think you’re confused.”

  I started shaking my head but he talked over me. “I know being with a girl might seem edgy and cool but it’s not God’s plan for a relationship.” His voice was dripping with condescension.

  “I’m not a child. You don’t have to talk to me that way.”

  “She’s right,” my dad agreed, surprising me. “She’s a smart girl. I think she knows what the Bible says by now. And I think she knows what you think about the matter.”

  Dumbfounded, I stared at him, unsure of what to say. Was he sticking up for me? Was he going to come through as my knight in shining armor? The memory of Liv’s dad, eyes cold, walking away from his only daughter flashed in my mind.

  Slowly, he picked up the pamphlet about the rehab center and stared at it. After a moment, he handed it to Pastor Dan. “We won’t be needing this one.”

  I wanted to jump up and hug him. He didn’t want to send me away. He didn’t hate me. I would always be his little girl, no matter what, and even if he didn’t approve of something, he’d always be my daddy. But I sat still, waiting for the other shoe to drop. There had to be a catch.

  Pastor Dan nodded to my dad. “Okay. That’s totally your call. I’ll let you guys deal with this as a family. If you need anything, you have my number.” He turned to me. “And if you want to talk, Audrey, I’m always open. And Becca too. She really likes you, you know. She would love to talk to Liv too some time, if she’s willing.”

  So she could convert her to a good Christian straight girl? Not a chance. I nodded but didn’t smile. He was my enemy right now and even though Jesus said to love your enemies, I was having a really hard time with that.

  Pastor Dan walked out and I was left with my parents. My mom still looked on the verge of an emotional breakdown, and my dad rubbed her back and kept frowning at me. Clearly, he disapproved but I was just so happy they weren’t sending me away, it was hard to concentrate on the shit I’d gotten myself into.

  “I got all A’s on my report card,” I hedged in a small voice. See? I’m still your good girl. Just a little more...interesting.

  Couldn’t they try to see it that way?

  “I think your mom and I have some talking to do,” my dad said, ignoring my distraction.

  “But you’re not going to send me away?”

  He shook his head. “Never. That’s not how we deal with things in this family.”

  I gave him a small smile. “Yeah, and it’s
not like I’m on drugs or anything. I just happen to love a girl. I mean, it’s silly to be mad at somebody for love, right?”

  Please God, make them understand.

  My mom finally spoke up. “This is not about love.”

  “It’s exactly what it’s about.” I looked at them starkly. How could they see anything else? Love was love and we weren’t hurting anybody.

  “This is about being tempted by –”

  “It’s love, plain and simple.”

  She raised her voice. “Love is never simple, Audrey.”

  “Only because of society! And because of you! You can make this simple. Just let me love her.”

  A storm formed in her eyes and she slapped her hands down on her thighs. “You will never see her again!”

  I flinched back. I’d never seen my mother say something so final and with so much determination. They couldn’t mean that though. They’d never restricted my friendships before. Even though I’d just dodged the bullet of anti-gay rehab, I wouldn’t accept being forbidden from seeing Liv either.

  “No,” I said. “You can’t do that.”

  “Oh yes I can.” She turned to my dad. “Cancel her phone plan.”

  “Dad!” I yelled, hoping he’d come through for me a second time. “Tell her this is crazy. I’m sixteen! You can’t ban me from seeing people.”

  He inhaled a deep breath. “Let’s just take some time to cool off. Go start your homework. We’ll talk again after dinner.”

  Glad he didn’t insist on turning off my phone that minute, I gripped it in my sweater pocket then headed upstairs. In my room, I flopped down on my bed with a sigh. After pulling the phone out from my sweater, I stared for a long time at Liv’s contact picture. Whatever happened between me and my parents, I couldn’t lose Liv. I’d run away if I had to.

  Had God finally come through on the smiting business? Was this my punishment for loving a girl? To be taken from her?

  I pressed the call button and listened to the ring tone until she picked up.

  “Hey!” Liv always sounded happy to hear from me.

  “Hi.”

  “So what’d your mom want?” It sounded like she stuffed something in her mouth and crunched down on it. “Was your report card okay?”

  “Yeah. It was fine.”

  “Good.” Crunch. “What’s wrong? You don’t sound like yourself.”

  My long sigh vibrated the phone. “I was ambushed when I got home today.”

  “Ambushed?”

  “Pastor Dan was here.”

  The crunching stopped. Liv went silent. I could only hear her soft breathing on the other end.

  I swallowed hard. “My parents know.”

  “Shit.” She breathed harder. “Shit.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Are you okay? Did they kick you out? Do you need me to pick you up?”

  “No, no.” I chuckled humorlessly. “They didn’t kick me out. But, oh my God! You should see the booklets Pastor Dan brought over. And there was a brochure about some kind of rehab center...”

  “Shit.”

  “They won’t send me though.” I was pretty sure but small seeds of doubt had rooted with seeing my mom so upset. “I think this’ll blow over. I might have to just pretend to go along with their therapy or treatment or whatever.” I wasn’t entirely sure that was true either but if I didn’t reassure Liv, I was afraid she’d do something drastic. “But in my mind, it doesn’t change anything between us.” I needed her to know that. To believe I still chose her, over religion, over my parents, over everything. I would do anything for her.

  “This is all my fault...” She started babbling like she did every time she felt guilty for “corrupting me” or whatever. “I should’ve been more careful. I shouldn’t have gone on the trip. This is my fault. Your parents will never forgive you...”

  “Shh. Stop. It’s not your fault. They would’ve found out eventually. To think I could keep it a secret until I turned eighteen was dumb. Anyway, they might turn off my phone so I wanted to hear your voice one more time in case they lock me in my room forever.”

  It was a joke, but Liv sounded panicked. “I’m so sorry. Are they going to homeschool you now because of me?”

  “Calm down. I’m sure I’ll still be in school tomorrow.” I hid my trembling voice by faking confidence. “I doubt anything crazy will happen right away.”

  She sounded like she was trying to calm herself with deep breaths. “Okay. I’ll try not to panic. Should I pick you up in the morning like usual?”

  “No. Better lay low for a while.” As a second thought I added, “But meet me in the basement bathroom before first period. Especially if I don’t text you tonight. I don’t know what’s going to happen after dinner.” I looked back toward my door, half-expecting men dressed in black to appear then drag me away to some remote location for shock treatment or something. “They’re talking right now and that’s never a good thing.”

  “Yeah.” She sounded awful and I regretted telling her. But if we had to pretend not to be dating for a while to get my parents off my back, Liv had to know about it.

  “I’ll try to text you later,” I said.

  “Okay.”

  “I love you. No matter what happens...” I paused to swallow back my emotions. “Just remember how much I love you.”

  I could almost hear her smile. “I love you too.”

  “Bye.”

  “Bye.”

  When I clicked the end button, I exhaled loudly and finally let my tears fall. They poured down my cheeks, fast and hard. Burying my face in my pillow to drown the sound, I sobbed. I cried for the awful words on those pamphlets – lost in sin, tempted by the devil, perverted. I cried for the looks of horror on my parents’ faces. I cried for the panic in Liv’s voice and the hurt I might have caused her. I even cried for the kids like me whose parents did send them away for being different.

  I cried for the thought of a future without Liv. But if I chose her, would I lose my family? I was pretty sure they wouldn’t completely cut ties – they weren’t like that. Unless Pastor Dan or someone from the church turned them into extremists. Was Liv worth losing everything?

  I thought about her smile, her laugh, the depth in her eyes when she looked at me just before she kissed me. No one understood me like she did. No one made me laugh, made me cry, made me feel whole and special and important like she did. How could I give that up? After exchanging the L word, I’d been convinced we’d be together forever. A lifetime of happiness was hard to give up for the sake of society, or even my parents’ comfort.

  They would forgive me eventually, wouldn’t they? Maybe they’d even come to see Liv as a real person. Maybe, if they spent time with us, they’d see we weren’t possessed by the devil or anti-Christian. Maybe they’d see I was still me – the little girl they raised who still loved them deeply and yearned for their acceptance. Could they come to see that love was from God, no matter what gender it involved? Maybe if they saw how much Liv loved me, they would know she wasn’t the enemy or a bad person or whatever horrible things they were thinking right now. Maybe in Liv, they’d see God’s love, like I did. It just didn’t look black and white, like they were used to. It was a rainbow.

  Chapter 23

  “I’ll drive you to school, honey,” my mom said when I slung my bag over my shoulder.

  I looked at her for a long moment, trying to determine whether this was a trap. I was sure being stuck for the fifteen minutes in the car with her meant a lecture or psychotherapy or something, but did it beat the bus?

  She smiled and grabbed her purse and keys then headed to the door. It seemed like I wasn’t going to get a choice anyway.

  Sighing, I followed her out to the car. Now that Christmas was over, I yearned for spring. The cold air was tiresome and I was sick of having snow in my shoes. Sacrificing fashion for the comfort of snow boots wasn’t going to happen, which always made Liv roll her eyes. The reminder that our relationship was on the line made me depr
essed. Being stuck indoors didn’t help.

  I pictured us together at the beach instead, sun on my skin, being able to see and touch hers.

  Ugh. That was so not appropriate for the context. I was in the car with my homophobe mom for christsakes. And in trouble for not being a good straight Christian girl anymore. My heart sank, again. Why did a good Christian girl and straight have to go together anyway? Couldn’t I be a good Christian girl who happened to be bisexual? God hadn’t struck me dead yet so that had to mean something. Or maybe that was coming after the lecture.

  “This will give us a chance for girl time,” my mom said with a fake smile as she started up the car.

  I could tell it was fake because she was trying too hard – too hard to make me feel like she was my friend, or to relate to me. Pastor Dan must’ve taught her that trick. Honestly, I preferred her more as my mom.

  “I hope you don’t think me loving a girl is because you did something wrong,” I told her. I didn’t like that she seemed so insecure. It wasn’t her fault. There wasn’t anything she could’ve done differently to make me not fall in love with Liv.

  “No, of course not,” she answered, but her voice was too weak for me to believe it. “But it wouldn’t hurt to spend more time together.”

  “Is girl talk one of the suggestions in the ‘how to turn your teenagers straight’ literature?”

  She tossed me an unimpressed, motherly look and kept driving. I wanted to ask her what her idol, Audrey Hepburn would say, but I couldn’t guarantee she wasn’t homophobic either. It seemed to me, like Audrey was all about happiness and eating chocolate cake when you wanted to. Not about society rules and religion. Cake reminded me of Pastor Dan’s metaphor. He probably thought I should give up Liv like someone on a diet gave up cake.

  I sighed. “I didn’t mean for this to happen, you know. It just did. Probably the same way you and dad fell in love.”

  “No. We were adults. It’s not the same.”