Almost Straight

by Justice Serai

  “You were twenty. That’s only four years older than I am now.”

  “We put a lot of thought into our relationship. We were at different points in our lives than you. You’re too young to make this kind of decision.”

  “What kind? I’m not marrying her or anything. Jeez.”

  “That’s right you’re not.” Her tone turned sour, frustrating me again. We’d been round and round about this last night already but I still felt like I had to defend my character.

  “Mom, I didn’t go out looking for a way to make my life difficult. You know I’m not like that. This wasn’t for the sake of rebellion.”

  “I know.” She sighed. “I’m not putting the blame entirely on you. You’re a good girl. The devil is a powerful influence.”

  I rolled my eyes. “There’s no devil when it comes to love. Yeah, maybe if I was professing my undying love to a hockey stick, you might have a case. But this is a person. She’s...just a girl.”

  A beautiful girl with a beautiful soul. I wished we’d hung around them more so they’d had a chance to know her like I did. Well, maybe not exactly like I did but they could see what I saw – a human being. Not a monster out to seduce me like they’d said last night.

  They hadn’t used those exact words, but the subtext was there. They blamed Liv just as much as they blamed the devil. To them, Liv was the devil.

  “If the definition of a relationship changes from a man and a woman to a woman and woman, it opens the door for anything to be acceptable,” she said, in that lecturey voice I hated. “You could very well marry a hockey stick if the liberals have their way.”

  “That’s ridiculous. By that logic, the institution of marriage itself could’ve opened the door to people marrying hockey sticks.”

  That gave her pause. Then she brushed it off with more condescension. “You’re young and idealistic. When you’re older –”

  “Ugh. Since when have you ever needed to patronize me?” I looked at her. “I thought you respected me more than that.”

  She fell into silence which I took to mean respect had been broken. It was a huge let down. So I wasn’t their independent, smart, almost adult daughter anymore. Now I was their child and they knew better about everything than I did. Funny how one little thing could change how they viewed me. And it wasn’t even anything bad. Just love.

  After she pulled up in the drop-off area, she turned to me and said, “I’ll pick you up too.”

  Deadpan, I answered, “Great.” Then I left the car and didn’t turn back to say goodbye.

  In the basement bathroom, I anxiously waited for Liv, needing to see her, feel her, after everything that’d happened. She came around the corner a few minutes later.

  I practically jumped into her arms.

  “Whoa.” Hesitantly, she wrapped one arm around my back, and one held my head. She chuckled. “What’s this about?”

  “I’m just...” I sniffled, my watery eyes surprising me. “Happy to see you.”

  She didn’t say anything, just held me while I cried silently on her shoulder. I hadn’t meant to get all weepy but as soon as I’d seen her, I’d realized what was at stake and a torrent of emotion overwhelmed me.

  It wasn’t just about morals or social justice or convincing my parents they were wrong. It was about a relationship. It was about Liv. And what we had was real and it was mine and I would protect it with my life.

  “Audrey,” she said softly then tried to extract herself from my grip. “We have to get to class.”

  I held her tighter and she laughed. “Come on. You can’t get another tardy this semester or you’ll get in trouble.”

  “I don’t care,” I mumbled.

  She tugged my hands free from around her neck. “I care enough for both of us.”

  Sighing, I let her go then wiped my eyes. “They’re calling it a phase. Caused by reality shows and the devil.”

  She nodded but her eyes seemed distant.

  Not wanting to worry her, I shrugged. “I just have to play along with their therapies and prayer groups or whatever. It’s no big deal. We just have to be more careful.”

  She stood there fidgeting with her fingers, frowning at me.

  The look on her face and distance worried me. But if she was freaking out, I didn’t want to know. I couldn’t deal with it now. “Anyway,” I said, heaving a breath and pushing back the storm inside me. “We should probably get to class. I’ll see you at lunch though.”

  Without a word, she nodded.

  I hoped she wasn’t still thinking this was her fault. When I went in for a kiss, I finally caught a glimpse of the real Liv. Though she seemed more reserved at first, she quickly took over, forcing me back against the wall and urgently moving her mouth against mine. I slid my tongue between her lips and she brushed against it.

  When I let loose a small moan, she stopped. She pulled back a few inches and stared at my lips, like she wasn’t done and wanted more. But when I leaned forward for more, she stepped away.

  “We have to go.”

  “Yeah.” I bit my lip and looked up at her. “Lunch though, right?”

  She nodded. “Yeah.”

  I went to class with weak knees and my heart pounding in my ears. My life was falling apart and Liv’s behavior in the bathroom wasn’t reassuring. I needed her to be the glue that held me together, but something told me she was falling apart too.

  ***

  “So where are we going?” I asked as I hopped in Liv’s car, excited for my kidnapping.

  At lunch a few hours ago, Liv had grabbed my phone and typed something on it. I’d stood there, perplexed, wondering if I should be nervous. When she’d handed it back, I’d checked the message she’d left on the screen. It’d been a text to my mom.

  Taking the bus home. See you after school.

  When I’d looked up at her, she’d smirked. “I’m kidnapping you.”

  I’d grinned. Could you even kidnap the willing?

  Now, buckling myself into the passenger seat, I felt the despair I’d been stuck in all day lift a little, and hope restore. When I turned to beam at Liv, she only gave me a shaky smile back.

  “What’s wrong?”

  Her smile widened. “Nothing.”

  “So where are we going? Back to your place? We haven’t made out in so long.” I chuckled. “I miss it.”

  “No.” She started up the car, her smile wiped away. “We’re just gonna sit somewhere and talk.”

  She was definitely acting weird. “Okay. Talking is good too, I guess.” Maybe she needed to know more details about my parents’ issues, or maybe she wanted to make a plan for how we’d keep dating with their disapproval hanging over us.

  It didn’t matter. I was just happy to be with her, especially after the long night I’d spent crying. But things didn’t have to end. We could find a way to be together without my parents knowing. We just had to try.

  For some reason, she drove in silence and I got the impression she wanted it that way. I reached out and held her free hand and she squeezed mine tight. Without a single look at me, she drove all the way to my street.

  “What are you doing?” My heart started hammering in my chest. “My mom will see us.”

  “Relax.” She pulled over and parked several houses away and I breathed a sigh of relief. “We’ll just talk here. That way when the bus comes, you can walk home and not get in trouble.”

  I nodded. Smart plan. But something seemed off and I didn’t want to spend just fifteen minutes with her. I wanted longer.

  “What do you want to talk about?”

  She bit her lip. A sinking feeling started in my gut.

  After inhaling a deep breath, she shifted her body so she faced me. “Audrey...”

  Her face crumpled in agony and I itched to pull her into my arms and hug her pain away. Whatever it was, we could work through it. Something with her dad again? I’d love her until she healed. But when I tried to pull her closer, she stopped me.

  Seeming to gath
er her resolve, she said, “I won’t let you ruin your life because of me.”

  “What?” Not this again.

  “We can’t... We can’t keep doing this. It’s not right. You parents don’t approve. I’m not going to wreck your life and make your parents hate us for the next two years. And what after then? Yeah, you’ll be eighteen but you’ll still need your parents. You have the chance for a normal future. I’m not going to be selfish and ruin that.”

  I started to shake my head. “I don’t want a normal future. I want you.”

  “You don’t know what you’re saying.”

  “I’m not an idiot!”

  “You don’t see what I’m doing to your life. You’re blind because you think you love me.”

  “Think?” I reeled back. “You don’t think I know my own feelings? You sound like my parents.”

  “Yeah, well maybe they have a point.”

  Anger rose up like a monster in my chest, clawing its way out. What the hell? Why was she being such an ass about this? I was tired of people questioning me, treating me like a naïve child. “Fuck you.”

  She flinched then I thought I saw her eyes water, but a moment later, she was deadpan.

  “You can’t break up with me,” I told her, trying to calm my thudding heart. Softer now, I would charm her back. She was panicking, she didn’t mean it. “I won’t let you. You’re just freaking out about my parents knowing. But I told you it would be fine. We’re not breaking up.”

  “Audrey.” She sighed. “It’s for the best. You can go to prom with a guy. Your parents will be happy. Don’t you see it’s better that way?”

  “No. I don’t. You make me happy. Not some boy. You!”

  “Audrey!” she snapped. “Just stop. You have to let it go!”

  I shook my head adamantly, so hard I made myself dizzy.

  “I don’t want you anymore.”

  I froze, my heart filling with dread. I dismissed it a moment later. “No. You don’t mean that.”

  She didn’t answer, just stared with her eyes narrowed at me. A hateful expression. But she was faking. Throwing rocks to make me go away because she thought she knew what was best for me. Panic gripped me that she was really going to follow through with this. “Don’t do this to me. Please. Please, Liv. We can work through it together. I promise you’re not ruining my life. If you dump me, you will. It will destroy me. I love you. You love me. Nothing matters more than that. Please don’t break up with me!” I was begging, desperate, making a fool out of myself, but I didn’t care. Anything to stop her, to keep her.

  “You’re being melodramatic. You’ll be fine. We haven’t even known each other that long. You’ll be fine.” On her face, I saw it. Determination. Cold resolve. I knew the expression because I’d seen it before. In her father. She’d shut down, put the mask on, dismissed me.

  At that, a feeling so intense rose up in me. I felt like I was choking. Like I couldn’t breathe. Anger mixed with sadness, making my chest hurt so much I thought I was having a heart attack. Could your heart stop beating from sorrow?

  I looked at her, at her numb expression, and wanted to punch something. “You said you loved me!” Tears welled in my eyes and I didn’t bother to hold them back. “This is your fault! You made me love you. You changed me. And now you’re dumping me like I’m nothing to you.” I sucked in air, feeling like I was suffocating. “How could you do this to me? How could you make me love you then break my heart? Did you even love me at all?” I didn’t wait for an answer, not sure I wanted to know. “If you did, you wouldn’t do this to me. Not when I need you so much.”

  Through blurry tears, I stared at her, looking for something in her expression. Some sign of emotion, some hint that she still felt something for me. Maybe she thought what she was doing was for the best, but if she still loved me, it gave me something to work with. I could convince her she was making a mistake.

  I waited, barely breathing, my heart feeling like it was shriveling to nothing. It wasn’t just broken, it felt like it was bleeding and dying, and I was dying with it. Maybe not my body but my soul.

  Finally, she shrugged. “Maybe I loved the idea of you.”

  I let loose a loud, undignified sob. “No,” I whispered, but it sounded like a plea. Hope fell, splattering on the ground like it’d never existed. If she never loved me, I couldn’t convince her not to dump me. I couldn’t make her love me. Was any of what we had real? Had she been using me? Was it all in my head?

  My stomach rolled, making me feel like I was going to puke.

  Gently, she took my phone from my hand. A few seconds later, she handed it back. I didn’t even care what she did to it. All I could do was stare out the window, trying to force myself to keep breathing.

  “The bus is here,” she said quietly.

  I saw it pull up to the other side of the road.

  “You better go.”

  I looked at her. She had one chance to change her mind. I hoped, prayed she’d realize this was a mistake and pull me into her arms – hold me and tell me she loved me and would be with me forever. Staring at her, I pleaded with my eyes.

  She met my gaze for a moment then quickly looked away.

  Coward.

  “Go,” she said. “Before you get in trouble.”

  With all the vehemence I could muster, I hissed, “I hate you.”

  I didn’t wait for a response or even look at her again. I opened the door, climbed out, and walked away. I wished my parents kept alcohol in the house. I’d never had it but all I wanted now was to clear her from my mind. To numb my pain. I’d heard alcohol could do that. But I didn’t have any so I was forced to feel.

  The pain suffocated me. Stabbed me. Made me want to fall on my knees in the snow.

  Somehow I made it home. I walked inside, not caring who saw me crying. Tears still fell, fast and hard, and my body shook. I slammed the door behind me.

  My mom walked into the living room. She took one look at me and her eyes widened.

  This was her fault too. My anger flew out of control, sending me spinning into a rage. “She broke up with me,” I yelled. “Are you happy now? Praise Jesus hallelujah your prayers have been answered!”

  Without another word, I stomped up the stairs to my room. My mom said nothing and I was glad for it.

  I fell onto my bed and buried my face in my pillow. Maybe this was all a dream. Yeah, a bad dream. A nightmare. That was possible, right? I’d had nightmares before. It wasn’t that unusual. Maybe if I fell asleep, I’d wake up and everything would be back to normal. Liv would see me at school, smile, and wrap her arms around me. She’d kiss my forehead like she did when we didn’t want to make a scene. She’d joke about my girly outfit but I’d know she was teasing because she liked me girly. Then we’d walk to class, knowing there was some good in the world, something to look forward to. Knowing there was a safe place, a person who understood me and accepted me the way I was. I’d know I would never be alone again. She was my sunshine, my heart, my world.

  Hoping I’d wake up and this dream would be over, I steeled myself against my sorrow and forced my heart to go numb. Numb was better than pain. I could stay numb. Until I woke up, I could turn my emotions off.

  For some reason, I was struck with the need to see her face, maybe hear her voice. If I called her, and she answered with a bright “hi, girly” I’d know it was a dream. Frantically, I took my phone from my pocket and scrolled through my contacts, looking for her face. I couldn’t find it. I scanned the L’s carefully, figuring I was too distraught to see it the first time.

  Lara.

  Lindsey.

  Mom.

  Where was Liv? Why wasn’t she there? I kept scrolling, panic welling inside me. Where was her face? Why did it feel like I’d made her all up? How could she just disappear?

  Then it hit me. When she’d taken my phone in the car...

  She must’ve deleted her contact.

  So she was really done with me.

  I felt like throwi
ng up. I almost ran to the bathroom but I choked it back. It wasn’t a dream. She was really done with me.

  Crying harder felt like a purging of my soul. When I was done, when the tears were gone, would there be any of me left? I’d given her my heart months ago when I’d told her I loved her. And now I had nothing.

  Chapter 24

  Hours later (or maybe it was days – I’d lost track) my door creaked open. I didn’t have the strength to roll over and see who it was. And I didn’t care. My face felt swollen, my stomach still sick. I’d run out of tears long ago.

  “Pumpkin,” my dad said, timidly. “I brought you some dinner.”

  He crossed the room and placed a tray of food on my side table. I wanted him to go away but I didn’t think my voice was working to say so.

  My bed dipped under his weight when he sat down beside where I still lay prone on my bed. I let out a soft groan.

  “Please go away,” I managed to croak.

  He sighed and dropped a hand on my back. “I know it feels like it’s the end of the world...”

  That about summed it up.

  “But this is just a blip in your life. You’ll see. Someday, a boy will come along and sweep you off your feet –”

  “I don’t want a boy,” I snapped. “I want her!”

  He rubbed my back, but it just irritated my skin. “You’ll heal, sweetheart. You have to trust me. The pain will end.”

  “Just go away.” My voice caught. He was wrong. I’d never heal from this. It was too much, the wound too raw. I couldn’t see how I’d ever get over her.

  Then I was sobbing again. God, how could I still have tears? I wanted to wither away into the mattress and disappear. Suicide was too extreme but maybe I’d just vanish. That would be better than living with the knowledge that Liv didn’t love me.

  A few moments later, I heard my dad leave. Maybe I shouldn’t have kicked him out. Being alone was worse.

  ***

  Waking up felt like wading through quicksand. The beep of my alarm was too shrill for my ears. I leaned over and smacked the clock until it turned off. If my parents thought I was going to school today, they were dead wrong.