Almost Straight

by Justice Serai

  My chest constricted. Those eyes were the last thing I expected to see.

  He smiled. “I’m Nick.”

  It took me a moment to catch my breath. My eyes stung with tears but I held them in.

  Don’t fall apart. Don’t fall apart.

  After a deep inhale, I stubbornly pushed the annoying emotions back. His smile seemed sincere and his eyes twinkled with interest. For a second, I felt like I was about to date the boy version of Liv.

  I gave my head a shake. No. No one was like Liv – he wouldn’t measure up.

  After an awkward pause, Gabby pushed me toward my seat at the booth. “Uhh. She’s a little tired. Usually, she knows how to talk.” She nudged me and I came to life.

  “Sorry.” I faked a smile. “I’ve been up late studying.”

  Gabby sat next to Ryan so I was forced to sit next to Nick. The booth felt too small and I was hit with a wave of claustrophobia. I hadn’t been this close to a person since Liv. What was I doing? I so wasn’t ready for a relationship.

  Though maybe a distraction would be nice. A distraction in the form of a hot senior with a charming smile. Would his eyes remind me too much of Liv? Would I get piercing pain each time I looked into them?

  Maybe I could avoid them. Relationships could be built without direct eye contact, right?

  Inside I snorted at my idealism. Poor Nick had no idea what he was getting into.

  “Earth to Audrey.” Gabby waved a hand in front of my face.

  I blinked. “Sorry, what?”

  “Nick asked if you’ve been to prom before,” she said impatiently.

  Jeez. I had to get my head on straight. “Oh. No, I haven’t. I’m a junior. Have you?”

  He shook his head. “Last year, I was in Chicago, working in a homeless shelter.”

  Crap. He was too good for me.

  “Since finding Jesus, things like prom aren’t as important to me. But this year I’m free and figured maybe I should go at least once so I don’t regret it as an adult.”

  Finding Jesus? As if he’d been hiding?

  “So your parents aren’t...”

  “Christian. No. They’re divorced. My dad worships money and my mom is into new age stuff.” He shrugged. “But the good thing is I have a car. So...” When he leaned toward me, I moved back. “If you want to go out sometime...”

  “Why?” I blurted.

  Blank-faced, he looked at Ryan then back at me. “What?” He chuckled nervously.

  “Why do you want to go out with me?”

  His gaze dropped and he licked his lips, looking self-conscious. And now I felt guilty. Treating him harshly because I still had a broken heart wasn’t nice. It wasn’t like it was his fault I was being pressured into this

  “I’m sorry,” I said. To make him feel better, I scooted toward him. “I’m sorry I seem a little...rude. It’s not you. I just broke up with my...” Crap. “Um, I just broke up with somebody so I’m still getting over it. But you seem really nice and I’d love to go out with you.”

  “Okay.” He gave me a shaky smile, and I was glad he seemed to be the forgiving type.

  We all ordered appetizers then ice cream and though it didn’t feel the same as when I hung out with Liv, it wasn’t as bad as I’d expected either. My heart wasn’t healing, not by a long shot, but it felt good to be in the world of the living again.

  Chapter 26

  The girl in the mirror didn’t look how I’d been imagining myself at prom for the last two years. The dress I’d picked out with Gabby in ninth grade felt all wrong. It was too glittery, too fluffy, and too...happy. Going to the prom was hard enough, but add to it the dress of my dreams and it was too painful to choke down. This wasn’t how I’d pictured it. I didn’t see myself as a morose ghost of who I’d been. And I didn’t think I’d be going with a near stranger I had no feelings for either.

  “Stunning,” my mom said from behind me. She tied the wide black bow that went around my waist, off-setting the pale pink silk and tooling that made up the rest of the dress. It went to mid-calf, fifties style, like Audrey Hepburn. My mom was particularly pleased with my choice and paid for every bit of the dress, even my plain black shoes and fancy hair pin.

  Then she’d spent all afternoon styling my hair in a classic twist in the back. I looked very much the part she was happy for me to play.

  Audrey. Classy, stylish, elegant, always happy and full of poignant thoughts. “Happy girls are the prettiest,” my mom used to say, quoting the icon.

  Inside, I felt dead. Did that mean I was ugly too?

  Liv would’ve teased me about looking fancy and stuck-up. A lump formed in my throat. She would’ve preferred the poofy Cinderella one I’d been planning to wear, just because it was loud and girly and totally me.

  In the mirror, my eyes seemed distant and hollow. If no one else could tell, I was as good an actress as Audrey too. But to me, it was obvious.

  “Nick is going to drool all over himself.” She laughed then hugged me around the waist.

  “Don’t mess it up,” I complained.

  Sighing, she turned me around then tilted her head as she looked me over. “A couple months ago, I wasn’t sure we’d get here.” Her eyes sparkled with building tears.

  No, because I’d been the devil child then, seduced by a wicked lesbian. Now I was going to prom with a proper date, despite having no feelings for him. Somehow, in their world, that our parts matched up was more important than love.

  Gabby had been calling Nick and me a couple for a week now, but we hadn’t officially said it – not to each other and not to anyone else. In my mind, my heart still belonged to Liv, whether she wanted it or not. I could never love Nick. I couldn’t even think of him as more than a friend. But hanging out with him did enough good things in my life that the facade was worth it. Suddenly, Pastor Dan and his wife weren’t asking me more questions. My parents never brought up anti-gay camp again. Gabby didn’t talk to me about praying for Liv. It was like the whole thing had never happened.

  Guilt that I might be leading Nick on crept in once in a while, but in my defense, I’d never said I wanted a boyfriend. I’d never said I wanted anything more than friendship and a prom date. And he hadn’t asked for more. So was it my fault people assumed we were together?

  “Gabby’s here, pumpkin,” my dad called from the stairwell.

  I inhaled a deep breath then smoothed my hands down my skirt.

  “You look gorgeous,” my mom said. “And you’re going to have so much fun.”

  “Yeah.”

  Despite our dream to ride together in a limo, neither Gabby’s parents nor mine agreed to pay for it. And I’d drained my account on the telescope for Liv. Instead, we had Nick’s second-hand Mazda.

  Gabby squealed when she saw me. Her turquoise dress was blinding in the sunlight. Sequence covered the fitted strapless top. The bottom poofed out with layers of tulle and stopped mid-thigh. She looked like a mermaid. A slightly slutty mermaid. I was surprised her parents let her out in that dress.

  She wobbled in her heels as she tried to run up the path to meet me. “You look amazing!”

  I knew she was a little disappointed when I hadn’t bought the Cinderella dress. She’d fallen in love with the idea of us going as Disney princesses – her as Ariel. But when I’d told her I was thinking of taking my cue from my namesake, she’d said, “Aww.” So I took it that she approved.

  “What do you think?” she asked me then spun around.

  I chuckled. “You’re very sparkly.”

  “That’s the point. Do you think Ryan will like it?”

  “He’s going to be staring at your legs all night.” She had damn fine legs – a result of years of ballet as a child.

  The pressure got to be too much though and she quit in middle school. She still had that slender, graceful physique and I’d always been a little jealous.

  “Hi, Helen.” My mom had followed me out of the house.

  Gabby’s mom jumped out of the car, wavin
g her camera in the air. “Mary! Good to see you!”

  “The boys should be here soon.” Using my hand to shield my eyes from the sun, I peered down the street. Please be here soon! I was in a rush to avoid –

  “Pictures!” my mom declared.

  I groaned and Gabby sighed. “My mom took a billion already.”

  Taking her hand, I pulled her toward our giddy moms. “Let’s get this over with.”

  Nick and Ryan showed up shortly after, posed for pictures awkwardly for half an hour, then we were finally free. We piled into Nick’s car, cranked the radio, and headed to the banquet hall.

  Gabby had spent the morning decorating with the rest of the committee members. The Hollywood theme worked perfectly with my outfit – not that I’d planned it that way. Gabby had changed “her look” from Ariel the Mermaid to Ariana Grande circa MTV music awards 2013 in order to match the theme too. She looked just like her.

  I avoided eye contact with Nick, trying not to let on how disinterested I was in this whole event. He’d turned on the charm for pictures, winning my mom several grins, but in the car, he looked downright sheepish. He stole glances at me when he thought I wasn’t looking then smiled when I caught him.

  My chest felt tight and my stomach rolled. We would have to have a talk after prom. I couldn’t go on like this. He had no idea I was still in love with someone else. It all felt wrong.

  At the banquet hall, Nick dropped us off at the door before he parked. The three of us waited on the red carpet that led to the double doors. The weather was perfect. Mild and not a cloud in the sky. The sun was already starting to set, making the gold star framing the entrance even shinier.

  Other students walked the carpet, snapping pictures with their phones as they went – laughing. I wasn’t in a laughing mood. Gabby made us all pose for more pictures as soon as Nick joined us. I hoped my fake smile looked happy enough.

  By the time we made it inside, I was thirsty, hot, and my dress itched. I scanned the crowd before I knew what I was doing. Was she here?

  I gave my head a shake. Why was I looking for her? Why would she be here? She was like Taylor – anti-school functions. And who would she go with?

  Did it matter anyway? She wasn’t with me – didn’t care about me, so what did it matter?

  My throat constricted at the thought of her with someone else. Ugh. What was wrong with me? It wasn’t as if I owned her. She could come with someone else – someone she loved more.

  I ate the food served to us, but it only made me feel queasy. I managed to smile when I was supposed to, answer questions, hold Nick’s hand. I faked having fun, but my gaze kept going to the door, hoping she’d walk in and claim me.

  It was my mom’s fault. She made me watch her favorite movie, Pretty in Pink, too many times.

  I imagined her dressed in all black, our eyes locking when she walked in. She would head toward me, keeping my gaze. A slow song would start just as she reached me.

  Tears would make my vision blurry, but I wouldn’t be able to take my eyes off of her.

  Then she would say, “I love you, Audrey.” She’d kiss me on the cheek then whisper in my ear, “Always.”

  But none of that happened. Instead, I danced until my feet hurt and tried to avoid Nick during slow songs. When he managed to catch me, I laid my head on his shoulder and pretended it was Liv. I could almost remember how she smelled.

  Would she have worn a suit? Or maybe a plain black dress? I pictured us getting ready together. I would do her make-up, accentuating her oval eyes. She would kiss the lipstick off my lips every time I put it on.

  Tears slid down my cheeks and I was glad the song dragged on. Hopefully, Nick couldn’t feel them through his shirt.

  “Where’s your dyke girlfriend?” someone yelled from a few feet away.

  I knew that voice. Grayson. People laughed. Ice chilled my veins. I clung to Nick’s shirt, hoping he hadn’t heard them.

  He moved his arms from behind my back and tried to pull away. My muscles tensed. “Don’t listen to them,” I whispered.

  “Didn’t she tell you?” Grayson’s voice was closer now. “She’s only here with you because her girlfriend dumped her. You’re a lesbian’s sloppy seconds.”

  More laughter. Nick moved his hands to my upper arms and forced me away. He looked at me then my accusers. I could feel tears still on my face and hoped that won me some sympathy.

  It was quiet for a long moment. I kept my gaze on the ground, wishing a pit of quicksand would suddenly appear and swallow me up. “Nick, I –”

  “Shut up.”

  I flicked my gaze to him, shocked at his tone.

  But he wasn’t looking at me. He was glaring at Gray. “What kind of man harasses a girl at her prom? It’s pitiful and disgusting. Walk away.”

  It was polite for trash talk but he made his point, and apparently surprised us all because Gray and his friends had gone silent.

  Eyes wide, I watched Grayson swallow hard then glanced around them. When his group of friends looked to him for what to do, he waved a hand and said, “Whatever. It’s not worth it.”

  They walked off and I gazed up at Nick, having trouble making my mouth move. Missionary Boy had saved the day. I shouldn’t have been surprised he’d be kind. He wasn’t the type to join in that kind of taunting. I so didn’t deserve him.

  His bravado disappeared and he frowned down at me.

  Crap. It was time for the truth. “Nick, that was really sweet of you. Thank you.”

  “Is it true?” he asked.

  My throat closed up. “Um. Can we talk about it somewhere else?”

  His face turned to stone and I had trouble reading what he was thinking. He nodded sharply then led me out of the hall and into the cool night air. I shivered and wrapped my arms around myself. Without a word, Nick took off his jacket and draped it on my shoulders.

  I felt like the shittiest person in the world. He was a valiant prince and I was the shrew deceiving him.

  Silently, we walked down the sidewalk, away from the loud music blaring from the open doors, and into the dark. I felt safe with him, even though I hadn’t known him much longer than I’d dated Grayson. Nick was a gentleman. He’d make some girl very happy one day. But it wouldn’t be me.

  “So,” he said, “are you a…lesbian?” He had trouble with the word, like most people did.

  “No.” I inhaled a deep breath, held it, then exhaled slowly. I looked up at him. “I’m bisexual.”

  His brows rose for a second then his expression went dead again. “And you had a girlfriend? Before me?”

  I nodded. “I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to pull you into this. It’s just… Gabby wanted me to go to prom so badly and I didn’t want to disappoint her. But my last girlfriend broke my heart and I’m not over her. I should’ve told you. And I’m really sorry I didn’t. I never intended to lead you on, or give you mixed message, and I definitely didn’t want to hurt you. I was just…trying to be normal I guess.” I gave him a shaky smile. “But I don’t think that’s possible anymore.”

  He remained stoic but in his eyes, I saw a fraction of my pain mirrored back at me. “I’m a crappy person.” I sighed. “And you deserve so much better.”

  Again, he went quiet as he stared at the ground. We reached the end of the road. He turned back toward the building and I followed him. I couldn’t take the silence anymore.

  “Do you forgive me?” I finally choked out.

  “Yes,” he answered. “I knew something was up. I should’ve followed my instincts and asked.”

  “It’s not your fault.”

  “I know.” He looked at me and half-smiled. “It’s totally your fault.”

  I smiled back, glad he exchanged the silence for teasing.

  “I forgive you. And we can stay friends.”

  “Really?” I scrunched my nose. I’d figured the whole bisexual thing would’ve made him run as fast as he could to the nearest church for some Holy water.

  “Sure.
Why not?”

  “Did you hear the part when I said I was bi?”

  He shrugged. “Did you hear the part when I said I was Christian?”

  My mouth dropped open. “But…but…”

  “We’re not all the same,” he said. “I judge people by their character, not who they happen to fall in love with.”

  What? He didn’t think being gay was wrong? Were there others like him? I felt like I’d just stumbled on some kind of loophole. A Christian who didn’t judge, who didn’t believe gay people were wrong. If there was one, surely there were others who felt the same way, right? Could there be entire congregations made up of people like him, or was that hoping too much?

  “You’re a good person, Audrey,” he said. “I just wish you weren’t so sad all the time.”

  ***

  Students were still buzzing about prom on Monday. It was all anyone talked about and, by lunch time, I felt a little crazy. Molly and Aidan had a screaming fight in the parking lot and broke up. Troy and Ruby did it at an after-party. Apparently, rumors were already going around that James got Quinn pregnant in the back seat of his car.

  Could this town get any more stereotypical?

  “So,” Taylor sidled up to me in Creative Writing class. I’d switched it from orchestra in the second semester. “How was prom?”

  I rolled my eyes.

  “Yeah. I’m sick of hearing about it too.”

  “I can’t believe I ever thought it would be the high point of my high school experience.”

  “Now you see my point. It’s a dumb trope. Nothing good ever happens at prom. Apparently, four couples broke up, three girls got pregnant, a dozen guys got wasted, and two after-parties were broken up by cops. It’s like we’re in a bad teen movie.”

  “Yeah.” Maybe it was cliche but it was supposed to have been magical. “So what’d you do?”

  “Binge-watched last season of Walking Dead.”

  “By yourself?”

  “What company is better?”

  “You didn’t invite Liv over?” Saying her name out loud felt like gargling rocks and I regretted it right after. “You two had that in common at least.”