Almost Straight

by Justice Serai

  She scoffed. “As if I would do that to you.”

  I nodded, relieved but a little sad. For Liv, for Taylor. Because I was selfish, they’d both spent prom alone.

  “Besides, I heard she went to a gay prom in Fort Wayne.”

  My blood chilled. “What?” A gay prom? Was that a thing?

  “It was underground. Set up by the students. I heard it turned out really good and lots of kids from surrounding towns went.”

  Fort Wayne was only forty minutes away and the closest city to Freedom. Liv had been there? With someone else? Or had she gone alone? Maybe she’d gone to meet someone – a girl who was actually gay, or even for real bi.

  Shit. A pit formed in my stomach. God, why did I still care? Why couldn’t I erase her from my mind? This was so lame. I was pretty sure nobody else was ever this obsessed. She’d probably forgotten about me, moved on to other girls, and here I was, still jealous and hopeful. Was it stupid? Yes. Could I stop it? No.

  Sighing, I forced my despair to the back of my mind. Taylor must’ve read the look on my face, because she frowned and said, “Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Sometimes I forget...” She cringed as she trailed off.

  “That I’m still not over her?”

  “It’s okay, Audrey. Some people take longer than others.”

  Yeah. And some people took forever.

  Chapter 27

  The music blaring from the open doors on Sunday was too upbeat for me to stomach. I lagged behind my parents as we approached the entrance. When they disappeared into the chapel, I veered left and headed around the building. My brain shut off and I let my feet take me wherever they wanted to go. Away from church. Away from God. Away from the congregation singing praises for whatever wretched blessing God had bestowed upon them.

  Breast cancer? Praise God it’s not my brain! Cheating husband? Praise God he doesn’t have cancer! Bankrupt? Praise God I still have my husband!

  Maybe I was becoming too cynical. Sighing, I kicked loose rocks down the path behind the church. At least it was finally spring. My sun dress ruffled in the warm breeze, tickling my bare legs. It felt good to feel the sun on my skin again.

  I’d been managing church service for the past few months but today I just couldn’t do it. Was it the left-over let down of prom? I’d been moping around all week. And after a tense grilling session at breakfast, I’d finally snapped that I’d broken up with Nick. They’d been tiptoeing around me since. I’d bet they were going to talk to Pastor Dan about it after church and sign me up for counseling. The thought made me groan out loud.

  Before I knew where I was going, I ended up in the graveyard down the hill from the church. When I looked up, the tree where I’d first kissed Liv stood tall and imposing in front of me. Had it been this big last fall? It seemed smaller then. And more magical. Now it was just a tree – like any other.

  Then why did it hurt so much to look at?

  Tears welled in my eyes. Liv had moved on without me. Here I was, the straight girl turned bi for a girl who’d dumped me without a backward glance. Her life went on. Mine stayed stagnant, waiting for someone to pull me up and put me back together again. It so wasn’t fair.

  A pit formed in my stomach and it hurt to breathe. I stumbled to the tree then knelt down underneath it. The thick grass was soft under my knees at least. In private, I could let myself feel, let the pain flow through me. By myself, I didn’t have to pretend to be happy. I wasn’t sure which was worse. Feeling or pretending not to. Tears fell and deep sobs pushed from my chest out my mouth. It felt good once in a while. A purging of the soul.

  “What are you doing here?”

  My head jerked up, the sobs stuck to my throat. Liv stood in front of me. Her long black dress touched the grass, making it look like she was floating. Her hair had grown into a pixie cut. It suited her. God, everything suited her. She was gorgeous no matter what.

  And here I sat with puffy eyes, probably reeking of desperation. What the hell was she doing here crashing my pity party? “What are you doing here?”

  She nodded toward the church. “I like to listen to the music when it’s warm enough to open the windows.”

  I didn’t know what to say so I stared at the ground. If she was expecting me to leave, she could go screw herself. I’d gotten here first. Besides, I couldn’t get my body to move even if I tried. My muscles felt like Jell-O. The pit in my stomach churned and every hair stood on end, as if responding to her presence.

  She didn’t say anything for a while and I was too scared to look at her. Why wasn’t she leaving? Did she enjoy my humiliation? Was she getting some sick pleasure out of knowing I wasn’t over her?

  Finally, she sighed. “Fuck, Audrey.”

  My gaze flew to her face, startled.

  A loud groan escaped her then she sunk to her knees. “Why can’t you move on?” It didn’t sound like a question – it sounded like a plea.

  I swiped at my tears with the back of my hand, wishing I had a tissue. “Because I’m stupid.” My dignity flew away with the breeze. To hell with it.

  Liv lifted her dress and knee-walked toward me. What the hell was she doing? Showing me pity now would only make things worse. My head knew that but my heart wanted her near me, even if it was just for a minute.

  “What am I gonna do with you?” she muttered then leaned up against our tree and pulled me into her arms.

  I melted against her – a helpless, hopeless lump of tears. They spilled onto her bare shoulder. She held me tightly like she was trying to squeeze every last tear from me. She held me like she thought she’d lose me. Like she loved me.

  Self-preservation abandoned me and I cried on her lap and wrapped my arms around her. I had no idea what the fuck was going on but I couldn’t stop myself. I never could when it came to her.

  She kissed my head, over and over again. “I’m sorry. I never should have done it. I didn’t think you’d... I didn’t know. I’m so sorry, Audrey.”

  Her words didn’t register at first – I could barely hear her over my crying. But they sunk in eventually. She’s sorry?

  Finally, I inhaled a deep breath and sat up. “W-what’d you say?”

  Her eyes glittered with tears. “I said I’m sorry.” She reached up and pet my hair, her hand trembling. “I thought I was doing what was best for you... But seeing you every day, looking sadder and sadder...” Her voice broke. “I can’t take it anymore.”

  My head spun. It felt like my world had just flipped. Was I dreaming? Yeah. This had to be a dream. It was too good to be true.

  “You thought it was for the best?” I nearly yelled. “You broke my heart, told me you didn’t love me, because you thought I would be better off?”

  Tears glided down her cheeks and she nodded.

  “You idiot!”

  A half crying laugh escaped her. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t ever make a choice for me like that again!” I probably should’ve been happily hugging her but there was a storm of emotions swirling through me and I couldn’t pick just one.

  “I won’t,” she promised.

  I stared at her and she stared back. For the first time in months, I felt like I had some control. “Tell me what you really feel, Liv. Not what you think is best for me. Tell me what’s true.”

  Sniffling, she wiped her eyes with her hand. Her lip still trembled but she managed a steady breath before speaking. “What’s true is I love you.”

  I pinched myself, just to be sure. “Ouch.” Yeah, I was awake. This was real. Liv loved me. My heart thudded in my chest, feeling alive for the first time in months.

  “I never stopped loving you,” she continued. “This separation was as hard for me as it was for you.”

  “No way.” I shook my head. “You knew I still loved you. You had me convinced you didn’t love me!” At that the pain came rushing back, making me tear up again.

  “You’re right.” She tried to pull me closer but I resisted. “It was worse for you. Is that what you wan
t to hear?”

  “Yes.”

  She chuckled. “You’re still so fucking stubborn.”

  “Some things don’t change.”

  Awkward silence filled the space between us. My head felt so mixed up, my heart heavy with unspoken words. Where did we go from here?

  “Did you...” she started then stopped to clear her throat. “Did you change?”

  I knew the look on her face – the wrinkled forehead and pleading eyes. She could never hide her vulnerability from me. She squinted at me when sunlight filtered through the tree leaves in the breeze. Her voice sounded raw and fragile.

  “You mean back to straight?”

  It took her a moment to answer and I could tell she was trying to appear indifferent. “Yeah.”

  “I’m crying under the tree where I first kissed you. What do you think?”

  She smiled at me. “Okay. So where does this leave us?”

  “I’m not the one who broke us up.”

  Nodding, she picked at the grass for a moment. Then she looked up at me. “Audrey...” Her eyes shone, reminding me of the Liv I used to know, and she leaned toward me. “The most beautiful almost straight girl I know...”

  I chuckled.

  “Will you be my girlfriend?”

  The world righted itself. The oppressive weight that had been suffocating me all these months lifted and I could breathe again.

  “Just like that?” I choked out. “Just like that everything is better?”

  She ran her finger up my bare arm, making me shiver. “I guess we have some lost time to make up.” Her lips parted, shimmering and so kissable.

  As much as I missed kissing her, it felt too soon. My heart hadn’t caught up with my mind yet. It still hurt. Maybe she wanted me back, but I hadn’t healed from the break up in the first place. It would take time to trust her again, to trust that she loved me after having convinced me she didn’t.

  “Just hold me?” I asked. “For now?”

  She nodded and I let her gather me into her arms. She smelled like soap and sunshine. Her arms felt safe and warm. I sighed happily. “I missed you.”

  “I missed you too.”

  We sat this way for a long time, quietly contemplating our private thoughts. I knew our struggles weren’t over. Getting back together was only one step – there were so many hurdles in front of us. I pushed them from my mind, determined to enjoy this moment. Liv loved me. She was mine and I was hers. For the next twenty minutes, nothing else mattered.

  When the organ started to play the benediction hymn, I knew our time was up.

  “Church is over,” Liv said.

  “I know.”

  Neither of us moved.

  “What are we going to do?” She shifted underneath me. “Your parents won’t...”

  “I know.” I didn’t have any answers, but the one thing I knew was that I couldn’t lose her again. No matter what the church thought, my parents thought, the whole world thought, I needed Liv and she needed me. Somehow, we’d have to make it work.

  Sighing, I sat up. “Come on.”

  “What?”

  I rose from the ground and stuck my hand out toward her. “Come on. We’re going to church. Maybe God’s people don’t like us, but God does. We have just as much of a right to be there as anyone else.”

  She took my hand but her lips pursed into a worried line. “Umm. I think you’ve gone temporarily insane.”

  “Maybe I have, but I don’t care.” I’d missed out on one of the best things that had ever entered my life because the people around me didn’t approve. I’d spent the last few months in a world less vibrant because some old man interpreted some old book to mean our love was wrong. I was pissed off and so very over it. If people didn’t approve, that was their problem. Not mine. Not Liv’s.

  I tugged Liv toward the church. She tried to dig her heels in and talk me out of it but I was determined now. At the top of the small hill, before turning the corner, she stopped us both.

  “Are you sure about this?” She bit down on her lip and I was thrown back in time, to the first moment I noticed her mouth – pictured kissing it.

  I leaned it and pecked her on the lips. She tasted like she always did – comfort and sweetness. “I’m positive.”

  Hands entwined, we turned the corner and demanded to be seen. It might take a while, longer than one lifetime, but the world needed to change. And in our little town of Freedom, Indiana, we were going to help change it.

  Chapter 28

  My mom fiddled with the hem of her pencil skirt. A plate of freshly baked cookies sat on the coffee table, untouched. The couch squeaked as my dad shifted on it, looking as uncomfortable as everyone else in the room. He placed his hand over my mom’s then smiled slightly.

  “Well,” he said. “You girls wanted to talk to us. Here we all are.” After a pause, he turned to Liv’s mom. “Should we wait for your husband?”

  A flash of worry flickered over Linda’s face before she traded it for a wide smile. “No. He’s not able to make it today.” She looked impeccable – more than usual and I got the feeling she was trying to impress my parents.

  Liv and I sat side-by-side on the love seat in my living room. Ironic, considering what we were about to tell them. We’d gathered my parents, intending to bravely announce we were dating and there was nothing they could do about it. Linda had been brought in for back up. I’d hoped Liv’s dad would come so we could convince him too, but by the look on Linda’s face, I guessed that wasn’t going to happen. Liv seemed indifferent.

  Despite the pep talk I’d been giving myself all day, my knees shook and when the moment came, my mind went blank. Liv nudged me, but I couldn’t make my mouth move.

  “What do you want to talk about, Audrey?” my dad said again.

  They knew. It was obvious. Liv was holding my hand and my mom’s lips were pursed so hard it made crinkles around her mouth. They definitely knew.

  “Um,” I squeaked. A second later, I cleared my throat then tried again. “Liv and I made up. I know you don’t approve but I can’t live without her. These last few months have been awful. We love each other and that’s not going to go away. And I feel like, if God didn’t approve, he would’ve made these feelings go away.”

  My dad nodded solemnly. He was in business mode now. It was my mom who looked like steam was about to burst from her ears.

  She sucked her teeth. “Audrey, that’s just not how it works.”

  “You can’t keep us apart!”

  “Shh.” My dad made a placating motion with his hand. “Let’s try to talk about this without yelling.”

  I heaved a deep breath, trying to keep my temper. “Dad... I’m going to be eighteen eventually. I only have a little bit of time left in this house. Do you really want this to be a battle we fight until I move out? Because I can tell you now, it will be. I’ll fight every single day to be with Liv.”

  My mom rolled her eyes. “That sounds like a threat.”

  “Then don’t do this to me. I’m telling you I love her and need her. What would you have done if your parents wouldn’t let you see Dad when you were a teenager?”

  “That’s different. This, what you’re going through, how you feel about Liv, is a phase.”

  “Then let me have my phase!” It wasn’t a phase but one battle at a time.

  The room went silent again. Linda glanced at each of us, obviously uncomfortable with the tension. “Mary, it’s obvious you’ve done a wonderful job raising Audrey. She’s sweet and kind and smart. She’s not a bad kid.”

  My mom turned to Linda. “How long has Liv been in this phase?”

  She smiled warmly. “Olivia is not going through a phase. She’s been this way since she was very small. There’s just no stopping some things. I understand you don’t think it’s...natural, but if it’s not meant to be, it’ll fizzle out.”

  I figured Linda was trying to convince my mom to let us be.

  “They’re teenagers,” she continued. “It’s
their job to experiment. Maybe this is a phase for Audrey, I don’t know. But if it is, it’s better to just let it play out on its own than to try to stop it. She’s a good kid. I don’t want to see her get so filled up with resentment that it hurts her relationship with...” She fumbled for a moment, maybe feeling like she was overstepping. “With other people.”

  My mom shook her head. “I don’t know what to say, Audrey. I can’t support this.”

  “Then don’t. But don’t stop it either.”

  “A phase,” she muttered, fiddling with her skirt again. “A phase...”

  My dad whispered something in her ear and she sighed heavily. Silence stretched on. Something told me not to open my mouth. To let the idea settle in their heads.

  Finally, she heaved a breath then looked at me. “There will be rules.”

  I felt my eyes widen. Was that a yes? My heart pounded in my ears. Liv squeezed my hand.

  “Okay,” I said slowly.

  “A curfew,” she said sternly. “Bedroom door open. And if she influences your grades...”

  “She won’t!” Excitement replaced my nerves and I grinned.

  Liv smiled too and though my parents still didn’t look happy, at least no one was crying, no yelling, no exorcisms or prayer circles.

  “And you still have to go to church,” my mom added.

  “I will!” Anything. I’d agree to anything if it meant I could keep Liv. I hadn’t known what to expect going in. I’d figured there’d be mention of anti-gay camp, therapy, homeschooling...

  But an agreement – a reluctant agreement with the hope this was a phase – never crossed my mind.

  I squealed and hugged Liv. My mom cringed, but she’d have to get used to it. It saddened me to think they were disgusted by our affection, but we had to take things one step at a time. And this was one big step. One victory in the war for change.

  With Liv by my side, I had the strength to push on. One step at a time.

  ***

  We walked into school the next day like we owned the place. Like we didn’t give a shit. Like we were daring anyone to say a word, just one word, about us.