by M. Sembera
As soon as my dad noticed me sitting there, he scowled and walked over.
"Wanna pint?"
"Whiskey would be better," I grumbled in hopes that the liquor might give me a little clarity.
Dad poured my drink and slid it in front of me.
Running his hand down the front of his beard, he questioned, "That bad?"
"Nothing's bad, I just felt like having a drink."
I could tell he knew I was lying as he nodded and replied, "House was kinda crowded tonight with it being movie night too I bet."
"Yea..." I sighed as I began to feel the urge to confess to him like he was some kind of a bartending priest.
The events of the day unfolded in my head as I took another sip.
"You sure you're okay?" my dad questioned, lowering his voice a bit. "You look like a man with a lot on his mind."
I couldn't help the smile that formed. Something about sitting at the bar, drinking a whiskey and having my dad refer to me as a man eased my psyche.
"I'm glad I came home for the summer."
Scrunching one side of his face up into a genuine smile, he replied, "I am too. It's good to have everybody back here."
Downing the rest of the whiskey in my glass, his use of the word 'everybody' was all it took to put me right back where I was when I got here.
Without having to ask, my dad poured me another. I looked at the glass then at the concerned expression on his face.
"Mom was right, I'm..." I started to admit but instead of appearing as though he was about to listen, a deep scowl formed and he shook his head at me.
Seriously? He was shutting me down just like that without even hearing what I have to say.
He leaned closer still wearing a scowl with an added ounce of confusion and asked, "Is that the girl you took to prom comin' this way?"
Mirroring his expression, I felt a tap on my shoulder.
As I turned on my stool, a tall blonde with bright red lips flashed an excited smile at me before throwing her arms around my neck, announcing, "I thought that was you!"
It was the girl I took to senior prom but for the life of me that's all I could remember about her.
Leaving her arms around my neck, she leaned back and shared, "It's so good to see you."
"Yea, it's good to see you too..." I trailed off because her name just wouldn't come to me.
I looked at my dad in hopes he could help me out.
When I turned my head, she cheered, "Oh, hi, Mr. Caffrey!"
Was it Barbara? Bethany? It definitely started with a B...
"Bridgett," he replied with a nod before walking to the other end of the bar to fill a drink order.
Mentally thanking him, for having my back on that one, I turned my head back to her asking, "How have you been?"
Adjusting her arms around my neck, she inched closer, saying, "Good. You know, I always regretted not going to the prom after party with you."
"Oh, yea?"
Nodding, she suggested, "Maybe you could take me somewhere and we could have a do over?"
Staring at her, I was genuinely at a loss for words. Never mind the fact that I hadn't seen or spoken to her since high school, I didn't really know her even then. I only took her to prom because her younger brother played football with Roe, and Aunt Penny was friends with her parents, and set the whole thing up. As I tried to think of a polite way to let her know I wasn't interested, my phone vibrated in my back pocket.
"Hang on," I stated, sliding off the bar stool and retrieving my cell from my back pocket.
Apparently, she took me literally because she kept her arms around my neck.
Palmer: Heads up.
Of course...
By the time I slid my phone back in my back pocket, Palmer, Joie, Roe and Tansy were standing at the bar next to us. Shaking her head at me, Joie took a seat on the stool next to mine while Roe gave me a head nod as he and Tansy made their way to the opposite side of Joie.
Palmer came up behind me with a nudge and looked over my shoulder at Bridgett, saying, "Hey, where's Dillan?"
Narrowing her eyes at him, she spouted, "We broke up."
"Really, when?"
"Like thirty minutes ago."
With a laugh, Palmer replied, "Alright. Mind if I have a word with my cousin for a minute?"
"We were talking," she snapped before smiling wide at me.
Palmer glanced at me then carefully unhooked her arms from around my neck, assuring, "Two minutes tops, okay."
Palmer pulled me by the arm, just a few steps away from the bar.
With eyebrows raised and a smirk on his face, he informed, "Look, I'm not judgin' but whatever your thinkin' about doin', that's not the girl to be doin' it with."
"I'm not trying to do anything with her," I insisted, but before I could explain what happened, Bridgett slid between us and secured her arms back around my neck. "Time's up."
What was with this girl?
Placing my hands on her arms as I leaned my head down to pull her arms from around my neck, I was about to let her down easy when she leaned forward and kissed me.
It took me a few seconds to realize what was happening. When I did, and she was still kissing me, I jerked away and turned, running right into a six foot four, pissed off Dillan.
Shoving me back, he barked, "You messin' with my girl?"
There was nothing for me to say. I'm sure I could have tried to reason with him, explained how his girlfriend came on to me, but in the whole scheme of things he wasn't trying to hear it. He saw her kiss me and at one point I'm fairly certain I was kissing her back so I just held my hands out to the side, shrugged my shoulders and took the hit.
Bridgett was instantly in Dillan’s face shouting at him as Palmer stepped around me like he was ready to fight. My eye was throbbing as I shook my head at Palmer, encouraging him to let it go. When I glanced over at the bar, Joie was sitting there with her mouth hanging open, Roe appeared to be observing the situation to see if he needed to step in and Tansy was no longer there. Dad stepped into my line of sight with a scowl as I scanned the area for her. He gave a sigh and shook his head before motioning toward the swinging doors.
Moving past everyone, I pushed through the swinging doors and into the hallway. Thankfully, my mom's office door was closed as I passed through looking for Tansy. I still didn't see her but something told me she was in the one place she thought I wouldn't go.
Swinging the door to the women’s restroom open, I stepped in, swearing, "It's not what you think."
"Get out!"
Ignoring Tansy, I checked the stalls to make sure it was just the two of us.
"No," I stated, locking the door from the inside. "Not until you listen to me."
I could tell she was about to cry as she snapped, "Seeing her lipstick all over your mouth is enough without you making it worse."
"You don't even know what I'm going to say."
Her demeanor shifted from hurt into irritation as she spat, "Sorry.”
"What?"
"Sorry. That's what you're going to say, isn't it?"
Damn it. That's exactly what I was going to say.
"That's not what I was going to say."
Sadness returned to her eyes as she replied, "I wish that were true."
Anguish wrenched deep inside my chest as I stared at her.
"I was sitting there. I saw her kiss you. You didn't do anything wrong."
"Then why are you upset?"
"I think a better question is, why were you so ready to say you were sorry?"
"Shouldn't I be?"
"For what?"
How was I supposed to answer her when I didn't know?
"You know, you should spend more time figuring out what you really are instead of what you think you should be."
Stifling the urge to apologize, I really was sorry, and this time I knew exactly what I was sorry for.
As she shook her head and walked around me, I wanted to stop her. When she unlocked the door and I let her walk out, I
wished I'd stopped her. And when I was left standing by myself in the womens’ restroom, I regretted not stopping her.
"If I ever leave you..."
"You won't."
"How do you know?"
"Because I would stop you."
"Swear?"
"On my life."
Chapter Seven
Regret feels a lot like a hangover. Your mouth is dry, your stomach hurts and the aching in your head won't let you move on, making you wish you didn't have it.
When I woke up on the couch in my parents’ living room, I had both. Reminding myself that I'd sworn off drinking after the pasture party, I rubbed my face with my hands and started to sit up.
"I left you tea, aspirin and a piece of toast on the counter. Shower and put on work clothes then meet me out front."
My dad's voice sounded rough but when I opened my eyes to see his expression all I saw was the back of his red plaid shirt as he walked out of the front door.
After the yard was cut, weeded and edged, my dad and I sat on his tailgate admiring a job well done.
"How's your head?" he questioned before offering me a beer.
Shaking my head at both his offer and his question, I hopped off the tailgate.
"Wanna talk about it?"
With a heavy sigh, I shared, "I don't know what I'm supposed to do."
"Have you thought about enjoying the summer?"
"Seriously?"
With a laugh, he hopped off the tailgate, saying, "Ya know, you have a habit of getting in your own way."
"Dad, I don't think you understand."
Patting me on the back as he headed into the house, he assured, "I do. It's you I'm not so sure about."
Good talk.
I hopped back on the tailgate and leaned back into the bed of my dad's truck, closing my eyes.
"I want you to be my first."
Swallowing hard, I watched her unbutton her shirt before letting it fall to my floor.
Nodding, I swore, "I want that too."
I was unable to move, I'd never seen a girl topless before.
"You're really beautiful."
She glanced off to the side. At first I thought I embarrassed her, but the longer I stared at her the more I realized she was waiting. Pulling my shirt off over my head, I took a step closer to her. I was dying to touch her but scared to at the same time.
"I've never done this before," I shared because honestly I wasn't sure where to begin.
With a soft smile she slid her arms under mine. I wrapped my arms around her and leaned my head down to hers.
"I'm your First and you're my Tansy."
Blowing out a hard breath, I sat back up. I shook my head as my car pulled up in front of my house. I had to be the unluckiest bastard on earth.
"How's your eye?" Tansy questioned.
Rubbing my hand across my eye, I'd forgotten all about getting punched last night. All I could think about was that she was wearing a thin purple sundress that showed the outline of her thighs as the sun filtered through it.
As she made her way up my driveway, I replied, "Not bad."
She looked me over, saying, "It's a little bruised."
With a nod I asked, "You want me to take you somewhere?" She gave me an odd expression before I clarified, "You brought me my car. Do you need a ride home or something?"
"Oh, yea," she replied with a laugh.
It was kind of awkward standing there talking to her but nice in a way. Maybe my dad was right, I should just relax and enjoy the summer but for that to happen I needed to get a few things off my chest.
Halfway to taking Tansy to Joie's house, I decided to get what I had to say over with.
"It's unfair of you to expect me to be your friend."
I watched her nod from the corner of my eye.
Giving her a slight smile, I asked, "Do you have a few extra minutes?"
"I guess so," she hesitantly replied with a shrug.
Taking a left turn instead of the right that led to Joie's, I took a deep breath.
"I want us to be friends but I'm not sure I can be friends with you."
Did that make sense? I hope so because it's the truest thing I've said to her since I've been back.
"Okay."
The sadness in her voice was painful to hear as I pulled down a dead end dirt road.
My car was hidden from main road by overgrown brush as I shifted it into park.
We sat there in silence for a minute before I turned to her. "I wish you hadn't gone away, but you did. I'm glad that it was good for you and, I don't know, maybe it was good for me too. It's just hard for me to see it that way. I want it to be like it was and I think that's what you want but we both know there's no going back to before we did what we did."
Tansy tucked her hair behind her ears and folded her legs in the passenger seat as she asked, "So, where do we go from here?"
Hell if I know...
"I guess we'll just have to make the best of it until I leave."
There was a slight frown to her expression as she shared, "That sounds so sad."
Shrugging, I agreed, "I guess that's because it is."
I watched a tear roll down her cheek.
"I'm trying to be honest with you, isn't that what you wanted?" I questioned, slightly raising my voice. I wasn't trying to yell at her but this was what she wanted wasn't it? Now, she was crying and I was feeling like an ass, again.
Without answering me, she opened the passenger door and got out of the car.
Confused and frustrated, I got out and slammed the door behind me. Making my way around to where she was standing, I watched her turn her back to me as she wiped her eyes.
"Why are you crying?"
Shaking her head, she choked out, "I don't know."
Who just starts crying without knowing why? Girls, that's who. If I started to cry, I'd damn sure know the reason. For the record, this is why girls are confusing as hell to us.
"Tansy."
Her shoulders slumped and her arms dropped down at her sides.
"Look at me," I urged, placing my hand on her shoulder as I turned her around to face me.
Her face twisted in distress. "I don't want to."
Well, that hurts.
My voice cracked as I pleaded with her. "Look at me."
Her mascara smeared eyes were red as she tilted her head up. Then, without warning, she pushed up on her tip-toes. Her fingers wove into the back of my hair and her lips pressed against mine.
I wasn’t sure if this was what my dad meant by suggesting I get out of my own way but I went with it. I didn't question it. She was pulling me down with her as she leaned her back against the car. I wanted to get lost in the feel of having her close. I needed her closer. Lifting her by her hips, I set her on the hood of my car. Her legs wrapped around my waist as I held her tight against me.
Her kiss was slow but aggressive and I enjoyed letting her take the lead. I never wanted her to stop. I could have stood there kissing her all damn day. I would have too, but when her hands slid from the back of my hair down past my chest and unfastened the button on my jeans I stopped and looked at her hands. Maybe this was her trying to put an end to what we started years ago, possibly this was some sort of goodbye, or... Who the hell cared what this was? She had me in the palm of her hand, literally, and her lips were on my mouth again.
Snaking my hands under her sundress and up the sides of her thighs, I was reacting to her touch before my brain registered what to do. As I flexed in her grasp, my mind snapped, reminding my hand to reach for the wallet in my back pocket. Tossing my wallet on the hood, I fished out a condom with one hand while my other figuratively tested the waters. Ripping the wrapper open with my teeth, at the same time as I yanked down her lacey thong, I didn't want to waste any time. I'd been waiting, wanting, and thinking about this for five years. After quickly rolling it on, I pushed forward. Tansy leaned her head back and groaned. Slowly letting out the breath I was holding, one hand held fast to her
hip while the fingers of my other tangling in the back of her hair as I rocked into her. Bringing her mouth back to mine, I focused all my energy on her. I may have earned my nickname by always being first but this was a moment I would gladly come second, any day.
I honestly wasn't so sure I was going to make it but by a stroke of luck, or skill, depending on how you look at it, she unraveled before I lost it. Tansy bit at my bottom lip and smiled as I leaned over her.
"We should go."
A wide smile found its way across my face as I proposed, "Again?"
She giggled and I felt the vibration throughout my entire body.
"Really, I can go again right now."
It was hard to tell what her expression was as she placed her hand on my chest and broke away from me. She looked a bit embarrassed but kind of flirty at the same time.
I glanced down at the space between us and complained, "That was rude. I wasn't ready."
Tansy let out another laugh and I missed the sensation of being able to feel it.
There was no way for me to know what changed between today and yesterday to allow sex to happen between us. I guess I could have asked but I wasn't sure how without ruining the after-glowing atmosphere inside my car as I drove her to Joie's, so I didn't. I did, however, enjoy watching her smile and blush each time I glanced over at her the whole way there. It was almost like she set me free but not in the way that I was done with her now. If anything, I wanted her more or more of her. Whichever it was, releasing the tension between us, released the anxiety between us. She finished what she started five years ago and I was ready to enjoy spending the rest of the summer with her.
Chapter Eight
Palmer was sitting on the couch in my parents’ living room when I got home. Cocking his head to the side, he arched an eyebrow and smiled at me.
"And where have you been?"
Putting on my best straight face, I replied, "I took Tansy over to Joie's."
"Y'all take the scenic route?"
Yes. Yes, we did.
"No, why?"
"No reason." Palmer stood and looked me over before informing, "I stopped by to see if you were up for getting into some trouble but from the looks of it you already found some."
It wasn't trouble I got into it was Tansy, which may have actually been the same thing. Either way, how would he know?