by M. Sembera
Checking the doorknob, I was genuinely surprised that she didn't lock me out. I let myself in to the kitchen and saw her standing next to the bar with her arms crossed.
"What do you want?" she questioned, appearing irritated that I was there but not surprised to see me, kind of like she expected it.
"I want to talk to you."
Blowing out an audible breath, she shook her head.
"There's nothing left to say."
Taking a step closer to her, I argued, "There's a lot left to say and after it's said we can start over however you want."
"Are you kidding me?" She laughed before sharing, "First, I've been trying to talk to you since you got here."
I took another step closer. "I know and I'm sorry."
With a heavy exhale, she shook her head, informing, "And that just about sums up me and you, so really, there's nothing left for either of us to say."
Standing there silently, I watched her turn and walk out of the kitchen.
Disheartened by the fact that she summed up everything we meant to each other with 'I know and I'm sorry', I knew I should just accept it and go home. But I wasn't done. Making my way out of the kitchen and through the living room, she didn't get to call it a day on us because I still had things to say. I took the stairs two at a time; I still had questions. I pushed her bedroom door open; she owed me answers.
Tansy gave me a dirty look the second I stepped foot in her room.
"I'm not done," I swore at her before informing, "And I'm not leaving until you talk to me."
With a slight smirk to her expression, she shared, "You better get comfy then, 'cause I'm done."
She was being so damn stubborn and I had to think of a way to get her talking so I spit out the first thing that came to mind.
"You kissed Roe."
"Oh, screw you."
Not exactly the start I was expecting but I'll take it.
"Is that what you came back to do? Screw with my head?"
She looked at me like I was ridiculous.
"You weren't even here when I came back. I didn't know you were coming. You haven't been home in two summers."
Standing my ground with her as guilt swelled in my chest, I stated, "I'm here now."
"So what?"
"So what? It's my doorstep you showed up on one day. That's my family you're callin' yours."
"Why did you go off and leave your family then?" she bit out at me and I couldn't help feeling the sting of accusation in her words.
"Because it wasn't the same without you here."
Sadness coated her expression. "You don't want me here. You don't want me gone. Would it make you happy if I just never existed at all?"
How could she think that?
"I wanted you here. I never wanted you to go and you left me. Why did you leave?"
Tears pooled in her eyes.
"You were sorry. I wasn't. I was never sorry but you were."
"Tansy..."
Turning to walk away from me, she spat out, "I'm done being everyone's mistake."
"I love you, First."
I stopped and looked down at her. She looked a little afraid until I smiled at her. I didn't think anything could feel better than what we were already doing.
"I love you too, Tansy."
"I'm not sorry, about anything," I growled and pulled her to me.
She let out a little gasp at being jerked forward but made no effort to get away.
Sliding my arms around her, I was ready to rewrite history right here in her room. I wanted this moment to be made without fear or hesitation. A moment where there was no right or wrong. No should or shouldn't. There was only me and her. First and Tansy. Us.
"Do you want me to kiss you?"
She opened her mouth to answer and I closed it with mine. Walking her backwards toward her bed, I continued to kiss her. As soon as she hit the edge, I pulled us both down.
"Say it," I demanded, sounding a little rougher than I mean to.
"I want you, First, you're all I've ever wanted."
That was all I needed to hear.
Everything that was wrong with us fell away with our clothes. Skin on skin, we bared ourselves to each other as we remade history.
Chapter Eleven
Breathing in deeply, I felt more rested than I had, possibly, in my entire life and we had yet to fall asleep. The morning light was peeking through the widow, lighting up her face as she tilted her head back and moaned my name.
I love you.
"You're so beautiful," I whispered, following her release with my own.
Weaving her fingers into the back of my hair, Tansy pulled my face to hers, asking, "How are you not exhausted?"
I kissed her lips. "I guess I caught my second wind."
"Second?"
Rolling off of her, I stretched my arms and legs out then pulled her on top of me.
"Okay, it's more like a fourth wind but I can't help it." Guiding her lips to mine, I shared, "You're so soft and naked, beautiful and naked."
Brushing her lips against my mouth, she questioned, "And what happens when I put my clothes back on?"
"I take them off again."
Tansy smiled against my lips as I began to kiss her.
I knew what she was really asking and I was willing to have that conversation, just not now. Things were too perfect to discuss how everyone would most likely dirty up our relationship. That could wait until I'd proved with every inch of my body, to every soft curve of hers, that together was all we ever needed to be.
The night we shared was now catching up with us both, in more ways than one. As I felt myself drifting off along with the slow rhythm of her sleepy breathing, there was a knock at her bedroom door. Tansy's body stiffened on top of mine as she raised her head up to the sound of our grandfather's voice.
"Grandma's making breakfast, if you'd like to come down."
With wide eyes, we stared at each other in disbelief that this was actually happening.
"And, First, you're welcome to join us."
Shit!
Stiff backed and silent, Tansy and I sat across from our grandfather at the breakfast table.
"First, it's so good to see you," my grandma said with a smile as she kissed the side of my head.
Giving her a nervous smile in return, I watched her pat Tansy's shoulder on her way to the stove.
Tansy appeared more worried than I felt as she looked at our grandfather and uttered, "Um..."
"Let's eat breakfast first," he replied with a nod.
Both Tansy and I nodded back.
My grandparents were the nicest, most understanding people I'd ever known. They approached everything in a warm and caring manner. When everyone found out about Tansy and I five years ago, my grandma told me everything would be okay and that she loved me just the same as always. My grandpa had a bit more to say on the subject but he was still very compassionate about the situation.
"It's easy to get love confused. Sometimes, you can feel so strongly for someone that you forget that the love you feel isn't necessarily the physical kind."
Hanging my head in front of him, I apologized, "I know, I'm really sorry,"
"Far worse things have happened in this family then two kids getting curious with each other," he assured, placing his hand on my shoulder.
It wasn't that I didn't believe him but I was so ashamed of myself, I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eye.
"I know you and Tansy have a special bond, and the two of you are not blood related, but you are far too young to be anything more than cousins to each other. Do you understand?"
At the time I thought I understood what he was telling me but now, as I recalled his words, I realized he wasn't only talking about sex, he was talking about the repercussions of deciding to be in a relationship with her.
We sat, silently eating our pancakes when Tansy's cell phone started vibrating against the table.
"It's Wren," she cautiously announced before answering it.
All eyes fell on her as she said, "He's right here," and handed the phone over to me.
"Hello?"
Seemingly in a panic, Wren shouted, "I thought you were coming home last night. Grandma and grandpa are coming back this morning not tomorrow."
"I know."
"You know?"
"I'm having breakfast with them right now."
There was a pause before she laughed, "You are so going to hell."
Knowing she was talking loud enough into the phone that everyone at the table could hear her, I glanced at my grandpa and noticed him shake off a humored smile.
"Yea, probably."
"Seriously, First, I just wanted you to man up a little, I didn't expect you to go over there and do her."
I let out a heavy sigh because guess what? Everyone at the table heard that too.
Clearing my throat, I replied, "Thanks for that, I'll be home later."
Ending the call, I set the phone on the table and slid it back over to Tansy.
My grandma set her fork on the edge of her plate, placed her hand in front of her mouth and looked up as she finished chewing.
Drawing in a deep breath, she placed both hands in her lap before stating, "The two of you are both adults, and I assume can safely and responsibly make your own decisions now."
The way she stressed the words 'safely' and 'responsibly' made me cringe.
My parents always stressed the importance safe sex. In fact, my dad bought me my first box of condoms. He told me that I was responsible for protecting not only myself but whoever I was with. I made sure I carried one in my wallet at all times, no matter what. Except for last night because I used the one I had with her earlier that day. Not really though. My pockets could have been filled with them and I still wouldn't have used one. Last night, I needed to feel her with nothing in between, just like the first time.
I recalled how amazing it felt to sink down into her last night and my whole body stiffened. Whatever problems we were about to face by being together, I may have just made a thousand times worse by risking it.
I caught myself holding my breath, until I heard Tansy assure, "I'm on birth control."
"I didn't need to know that," grandpa replied as I let out an audible sigh of relief that earned me harsh glares from everyone at the table.
"As I was saying," grandma stated as she stood up. "I love you both and whatever you kids decide to do with your lives is up to you and no one else. As long as whatever it is you do, you don't do it here."
Tansy and I both nodded at her as she turned and walked out of the kitchen.
I looked at my grandpa staring back at the both of us. I wasn't sure what to say to him.
After an excruciating long moment of silence, he informed, "I agree with what your grandma said."
Honestly, I was expecting a little more, maybe reassurance, or something profound, not ‘you're over eighteen do what you want’.
"That's it?" I blurted, not really meaning to say it out loud.
I could feel Tansy staring at me as grandpa gave a compassionate smile.
"Well, I don't think you're going to hell. I do, however, hope that you two put serious thought into what you're doing."
"What do you mean?" Tansy questioned in a hesitant tone.
"All relationships have their trials but this one in particular comes with an added amount of obstacles. Especially if there's more to it than what we all agreed you will never do here again."
The kitchen fell silent as grandpa got up from the table and walked out of the kitchen.
Alone at the breakfast table with Tansy I focused on my plate of half eaten pancakes. Mulling over what my grandpa said, I felt her hand against my arm.
"I think he's right."
A smile broke out across my face as I turned to her.
"I know he is."
With a slight frown, she questioned, "Then why are you smiling?"
"Because we're both still sitting here." I leaned closer and took her hand in mine. "And I can do this whenever I want," I assured, giving her hand a light squeeze as I lifted my other hand and placed it against her cheek.
Tansy closed her eyes for a moment, her lips forming a slight pout.
"What if no one else understands?"
No matter how much I hated to leave Tansy and go home, I was exhausted and figured it was best not to push my grandparents’ understanding too far. Besides, I needed to think. While I doubted any one would break out the torches and pitchforks, I wasn't so sure everyone would be okay with us being together.
By the time I pulled into my parent's driveway and got out of the car, I could feel myself starting to stagger as I made my way to the front door. Mom, dad and Wren were sitting in the living room when I walked in.
"Where have you been?" Mom questioned like she'd been waiting on me to get home.
"I was having breakfast with grandma and grandpa."
With an endearing smile, she asked, "Were you there when they got back? That's so sweet. I bet they were surprised to see you."
Wren snort-laughed as I nodded, saying, "Yea, I think they were."
My dad shot me a suspicious scowl as I sat down.
"Anyway," mom continued. "I was talking to your Aunt Lola and we thought it would be nice to throw grandma and grandpa an anniversary party and invite everyone."
Wren and I glanced at each other.
"Everyone?" I questioned, hoping she didn't really mean everyone, everyone.
"It's been years and I think it would be a nice surprise for them."
Here's a little back story on the ‘everyone’ my mom is referring to. My grandparents adopted seven kids total, my mom being the oldest and last to be adopted. Next to oldest is my Uncle Trent, he does mission work and the entire family is all very proud of him. Then there's Aunt Silvia, Tansy's mom. My uncles, Max and Luke, who both coach college basketball, my Aunt Jenna is an elementary school teacher, and the youngest, Aunt Lola, is in her last year of residency after graduating from medical school. Now, on my dad's side of things I have two uncles, Braden and Ailin, and then my Aunt Penny. I would have had three uncles but my uncle Will passed away long before I was born. Here's where it gets interesting. My grandpa grew up with a girl named Ren who later married my dad's cousin Jackson. There's a whole saga behind that so I'll just cut to the chase. Ren and my mom are very close. In fact, my sister is sort of named after her. Ren's daughter from a previous marriage, Sophia, married my Uncle Ailin. They have two kids, my cousins Keylee and Noah. We're just one big blended family. At least we were until that summer. I should probably mention that my Aunt Sophia was with my mom when she walked in my room and found me and Tansy together when we were fifteen and the reason everyone in town found out about that night. Needless to say, Aunt Sophia and my mom aren't exactly best friends and it caused quite a rift. The whole family hasn't been together since.
As I considered how terrible the timing of a family get together was at the same time Tansy and I decided to get together, I felt myself dozing off.
"It’s going to take a few weeks to work everything out and get everyone here so get some sleep, we'll talk later."
Nodding at my mom, I got up and headed to my room. I thought about taking a quick shower first but falling asleep with Tansy’s scent on me was the next best thing to having her with me as I stretched out on my bed.
Chapter Twelve
Palmer sat across from me on the porch with a bottle in one hand while the other scratched at the side of his beard.
"And your grandparents were cool with it?"
"Understanding is more like it but that's not the problem."
"I get it." He took a sip of his beer and leaned back. "Now you don't know what to do with her."
"I wouldn't say that."
"Of course you wouldn't, but it's the truth."
With a laugh, I assured, "You're a real asshole, you know that?"
"Nah, I'm honest and you should be too." Gripping his bottle a little tighter
, he pointed his finger at me. "Be real about it. You gonna take her with you when you leave? You stayin'? Plannin' on marrying her?"
Slumping back into my chair, I shrugged off his questions.
"Yea, you're working her out of your system, that's what your doin'."
His words put a bad taste in my mouth as I argued, "That's not what I'm doing."
"Y'all are dating then?"
Palmer raised his eyebrows waiting for me to answer.
"Yes," I forced out as his expression changed.
"You serious?"
Yes. No. Hell, I don't know.
"Do you have a problem with that?"
He stood up and flashed a smile before reminding, "I'm not the one who said they had a problem."
Why did I talk to Palmer about her? No, seriously, every damn time. Sometimes it's subtle but I know it's him because I end up doing things that I never would have thought of until after he pisses me off.
My shoulders tensed as I knocked on my grandparents’ front door. I kept running Tansy's excited voice, when I asked her out over the phone, through my head. This would be good. We would have fun. No one else would find out until we were ready for them to, I assured myself as the door opened. Those beautiful hazel eyes of hers sparkled up at me as I blew out a slow breath and took her in. Her hair seemed different. I'm not sure how exactly, I didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about her hair, but I noticed. She was wearing a light brown dress with thin straps holding it up. I was already imagining taking it off of her when a smile spreads across her glossy lips. All I could think of was her underneath me.
Four hours later, and an hour and a half out of town, we walked to the door of our hotel room hand in hand.
"This is so romantic," Tansy shared, smiling up at me.
Her statement made me cringe. It didn’t feel romantic. It felt dirty and secretive, and a nagging feeling inside kept me wondering if there was any truth to Palmer's 'working her out of my system' advice.
"Did you enjoy dinner?"
Nodding her head with a laugh, she replied, "That's the fifth time you've asked me that."