The Onion Presents
Page 8
The couple share a moment of familial contentment.
“My little pumpkin would practically be helpless without me,” said Hyams, 28, whose role in the adult relationship has slowly transformed from romantic lover to maternal caregiver over time. “I have to supervise almost everything he does, from making sure he gets up in the morning, to reminding him about his doctors’ appointments. I even have to pick out his clothes for him when we go shopping together.”
Added Hyams, “I don’t know how Pete would survive if I weren’t around.”
The couple—who met in 2005 and have been living together since Mazursky was evicted from his apartment—have not always had it so easy. In the beginning, their interpersonal style still contained many troubling elements of a mature relationship, including periodic moments of independence, mutual equality, and even occasional sexual contact.
“In the beginning, their interpsonal style still contained many troubling elements of a mature relationship, including period moments of independence, mutual equality, and even occasional sexual contact.”
Luckily for the pair, this early period of instability quickly began to break down as arguments over Mazursky’s irresponsibility and Hyams’ controlling personality gave way to the codependent harmony they now share.
“She takes care of me,” said Mazursky, 26, unconsciously looking to Hyams for approval. “With Janet, I never have to worry about stuff like picking up after myself or remembering to brush my teeth before I go to bed. Plus, she always makes all of the big decisions for both of us, which is nice.”
Since falling into preprogrammed roles from early childhood, the couple have seen their relationship undergo a number of significant changes. Sexual intercourse, once a favorite and frequent pastime, has steadily dropped off in regularity, ceasing altogether earlier this month.
“ ‘My old girlfriend Jessica used to let me eat all the cookies I wanted. We just didn’t have the same kind of bond that Janet and I now share.’ ”
“We don’t have to be having sex all the time to be happy,” said Mazursky, who by this point has entirely sublimated his libido under the weight of his projected need for a maternal protector. “Right now we are focusing on other things, like losing weight. We have a system worked out where I can eat cookies only with Janet’s say-so, and if she catches me eating one without permission, she gets to ‘ground’ me from snacks for a week. It’s so great to be able to share that level of intimacy with another person.”
“My old girlfriend Jessica used to let me eat all the cookies I wanted,” he added. “We just didn’t have the same kind of bond that Janet and I now share.”
Hyams’ maternal duties include always paying the rent for Mazursky and then hounding him to get a job, performing basic household chores to make herself feel useful and needed, and monitoring Mazursky to make sure he doesn’t exceed his allotted three hours of video games per day. In return, Mazursky’s duties include playing touch football with his friends, giving Hyams someone to subconsciously feel superior to, making the bed after being yelled at to do so, and allowing Hyams to lick her finger and wipe smudges off his face before they go outside.
“When we first met, I knew there was something special about Pete—he was like a big teddy bear you just wanted to tuck into bed,” Hyams explained. “That’s not to say we don’t still have our problems. Sometimes he throws a tantrum when he doesn’t want to do the dishes, and I have to discipline him. But when he falls asleep with his head in my lap, it’s all worth it.”
Mazursky agrees.
“I’m really happy with Janet,” he said. “Not every guy’s got a girlfriend who calls him from work to make sure he’s had lunch. I guess I’m just one lucky kid.”
“I really love Mom—I mean, Janet,” Mazursky added.
NEWS IN BRIEF
Nation’s Boyfriends Dreading ‘Free Event In The Park’ Season
NISKAYUNA, NY—With summer officially beginning this week, the nation’s boyfriends groaned Thursday in anticipation of yet another “Free Event in the Park” season. “Kelly already wants us to go see some Brazilian horn player and these people who use puppets to make fun of politicians. I’m sure they’re fine, but we just got AC this summer,” said Jason Evans, a boyfriend. “Plus, we go out all the time.” A spokesperson for the nation’s girlfriends countered that it would be a shame not to take advantage of the tons of cool-sounding cost-free events, which include a craft fair, an outdoor screening of The Wizard Of Oz, and the appearance of a modestly successful mid-90s alternative band at the Tulip Festival.
NEWS
Area Boyfriend Keeps Bringing Up Scrabble Victory
PLYMOUTH, NH—Evan Riedel has made reference to his Sept. 6 Scrabble victory over girlfriend Amy Vanderploeg “about 200 friggin’ times” in the days since, Vanderploeg reported Monday.
Amy Vanderploeg with boyfriend Evan Riedel, who is still carrying on about his Sept. 6 Scrabble win.
“Evan will not let that Scrabble game drop,” Vanderploeg, 23, said. “Constantly, he’ll say stuff like, ‘Do you need help reading that magazine article? I know your vocabulary isn’t the best, judging from that round of Scrabble we played.’ Give it up already, Evan.”
The oft-alluded-to match, which took place at Vanderploeg’s apartment, was a decisive 382-183 victory for Riedel, who needed less than one hour to dispense with his girlfriend of three years. Upon winning, he performed a brief victory dance and began verbally taunting his vanquished opponent—behavior that has continued unabated nearly two weeks later.
“He works the word ‘esteemed’ into conversation whenever possible and then says, ‘Gee, I really like that word ‘esteemed,’ ” Vanderploeg said. “He was so proud that he’d used up those four e’s in one word and used all seven tiles.”
Vanderploeg added that by placing “esteemed” across a triple-word-score spot on the board and earning a 50-point bonus for using all his letters, Riedel was able to, in his words, “rack up a sweet 77” on the turn.
In addition to constantly bringing up his best moves, Riedel has relished pointing out errors Vanderploeg made during the game.
“ ‘He’ll say stuff like, ‘Do you need help reading that magazine article? I know your vocabulary isn’t the best, judging from that round of Scrabble we played.’ Give it up already, Evan.’ ”
“Whenever we see a cat now, he goes, ‘C-A-T … Cat!’ as a way of making fun of me for putting down such a simple word at one point,” Vanderploeg said. “Then he usually says, ‘You know where cats like to walk? On the catwalk!’ That’s because instead of putting down ‘cat,’ I could’ve added my ‘cat’ onto the word ‘walk’ that was already on the board and gotten a lot more points.”
Vanderploeg said she should have anticipated Riedel’s post-victory arrogance on the basis of his behavior during the game. “Evan was getting way too into it,” she said. “At one point, he got a double-word score and actually screamed, ‘Boo-ya!’ ”
Scrabble game box.
By the midpoint of the game, Riedel had developed an elaborate tile-picking ritual, shaking the bag vigorously before blowing into it and chanting, “Come on, come on, please … gimme the Xs, Js, and Zs!” According to Vanderploeg, such theatrics made it difficult for her to concentrate on the game and contributed to her poor showing.
“There were several times when I put down the first thing I thought of, just to get the stupid thing over with faster,” Vanderploeg said. “Every time it was my turn, Evan would lean across the board and stare at me. It started to get really annoying, but whenever I told him to stop, he’d say, ‘What’s the matter? Can’t take the heat?’ ”
According to noted psychologist Dr. Eli Wasserbaum, Riedel’s behavior is rooted in his outsider status during childhood.
“Awkward and ungainly as a boy, Evan never excelled in athletics,” Wasserbaum said. “He did, however, find shelter in academia. It is natural, then, that he is most comfortable asserting his male competitive instincts in thi
s arena. His frequent allusion to the Scrabble victory can be likened to a male peacock extending his colorful tail plumage before the female bird. With his constant boasting, Evan is not actually trying to annoy his girlfriend but instead impress her and win her approval.”
Riedel has engaged in boardgame-victory braggadocio in the past, carrying on about triumphs in such games as Trivial Pursuit, Balderdash, and Outburst.
“One time, we were playing Scattergories with [longtime couple] Jeff [Weitz] and Kimberly [Alford], and Evan got so bad, I had to cut the game short,” Vanderploeg said. “We didn’t see them for, like, three months after that.”
“His frequent allusion to the Scrabble victory can be likened to a male peacock extending his colorful tail plumage before the female bird.”
While Riedel admits to mentioning the Scrabble victory frequently, he denies any wrongdoing.
“I’m just teasing Amy, is all,” Riedel said. “Besides, I can’t help it if I possess a superior vocabulary and stellar wordformation skills. Cha-ching!”
STATSHOT
NEWS
Boyfriend Ready To Take Relationship To Previous Level
COLUMBIA, SC—Following a romantic three-day getaway to South Carolina’s Hilton Head Island, 32-year-old Matthew Sullivan said he is now “more ready than ever” to take his 10-month relationship with girlfriend Carol Moag to the previous level.
Moag and Sullivan are on the brink of a “big leap backward” in their relationship.
“After spending every waking moment with Carol for 72 hours, I know in my heart that I’m prepared to see her face twice, maybe even once a week,” said Sullivan, who met Moag, 34, at a friend’s New Year’s party in January.
Sullivan claimed he has been considering “taking the big leap backward” since Moag suggested last month that the two get a cat. The weekend of uninterrupted intimacy served to erase whatever reservations Sullivan may still have held about the move.
“I know this is a big decision, but I’m ready for it,” said Sullivan as he picked up a few DVDs and books he had left at Moag’s apartment before she returned home from work. “I’ve given this a lot of thought, and whenever I imagine giving Carol the keys to her place back, it just feels right.”
“I’m so excited about this,” he added.
Though Sullivan admitted being initially nervous about Moag’s reaction to the sudden announcement, he said he was confident that she will, if not right away, then eventually see that his instincts are correct.
“I’m not sure she’ll be ready to take the plunge like this,” Sullivan said. “But if I give her plenty of space and lots and lots of time by herself to think it through, she’ll realize that we’re meant to be together a lot less.”
Sullivan said he hoped the couple’s new lowered level of commitment will provide them an opportunity to grow as individuals and really make the relationship work for Sullivan.
“It isn’t going to be easy, but no one wants this more than I do,” said Sullivan, who believes that his clarity at this important juncture is a direct sign of his advanced maturity.
“ ‘When I made the decision to get a lot less serious with Carol, I just felt this sense of peace. I can tell by the look in her eyes—that loving, longing gaze—that I must act now before I miss my chance.’ ”
“As you get older, you recognize what’s really important to you,” Sullivan said. “When I made the decision to get a lot less serious with Carol, I just felt this sense of peace. I can tell by the look in her eyes—that loving, longing gaze—that I must act now before I miss my chance.”
Sullivan said that he is continually surprised by how “time just flies by” in his relationship with Moag. The 32-year-old said he has a gut sense that if he does not make her aware of his feelings soon, it will be too late.
“What happens now will determine the rest of our future together,” said Sullivan, who claimed that he did not want to repeat the mistakes he made in previous long-term relationships. “The last woman I was with [ex-wife Maria Heller], I let this moment pass me by, and I’ll always regret it.”
“I ended up living with her for two and half years,” Sullivan added.
“ ‘I’ve given this a lot of thought, and whenever I imagine giving Carol the keys to her place back, it just feels right. I’m so excited about this.’ ”
NEWS IN BRIEF
Sex Officials Add New Base Between Second And Third
WASHINGTON, DC—Adolescents across the nation were thrilled by the U.S. Sex Department’s announcement Monday that a new base will soon be added. According to Sex Department spokesperson Pat Phelps, the added base will immediately follow second, the touching of breasts, and precede third, the touching of genitals. The new base will involve “the sliding of the hand between the butt cheeks.” Sex officials stressed that the base would be considered reached only if the plane of the outer buttocks is broken by the edge of the hand. Baltimore resident Todd Kerr, 15, reported reaching the new base Tuesday with Suzy Hebert, 14, but U.S. sex officials are disputing the claim, asking Kerr to “prove it.”
NEWS
Nation Sickened By Sight Of Happy Young Couple
OAK PARK, IL—Though sharply divided on the war on terror and domestic controversies such as abortion, drugs, and gay marriage, Americans are in almost unanimous agreement over one issue: that Oak Park, IL, couple Dave Petrun and Julie DeSimone are totally sickening.
The happiest goddam couple in the whole world.
“It’s like they think they’re the first couple to ever fall in love in the history of space and time,” said Boston resident Allison Clark, one of millions of people who say they want to shoot themselves in the face after observing the tender relationship between Petrun, 28, and DeSimone, 25, evolve over the last four months.
According to an ABC News-Washington Post poll released Monday, a significant majority of Americans believe the couple’s persistent displays of affection, which include almost constant hand-holding, mutual giggling, and insufferably coy little kisses, are “fucking ridiculous.” An overwhelming eight out of 10 polled said they wished the couple would die, preferably in a fiery automobile accident.
“If I have to see [Petrun] fiddle with [DeSimone’s] fingers as they stroll around window shopping, without a care in the world, I swear to God I’m going to punch something,” said Savannah, GA, resident Sam Weber, whose reaction has been echoed by a broad cross-section of Americans apparently weary of the couple’s brazen public displays. “These two need to face reality, and stop living in this disgusting fantasy world of theirs.”
“A significant majority of Americans believe the couple’s persistent displays of affection, which include almost constant hand-holding, mutual giggling, and insufferably coy little kisses, are ‘fucking ridiculous.’ ”
Though their initial May 30 joint outing went largely unnoticed, public opinion toward the couple dramatically shifted after it was revealed that DeSimone spooned frozen yogurt into Petrun’s mouth during their second date three days later.
By the second week of June, their approval rating dropped below 40 percent in most national polls, after Petrun and DeSimone were spotted wedging their hands into each other’s back pockets as they walked through an Oak Park neighborhood. By July, the rating plummeted even further after DeSimone asked Petrun which of her physical attributes he found cutest, and Petrun responded with a detailed list.
“Thirty-six percent of Americans grimaced when Petrun playfully nudged DeSimone for no evident reason last Thursday, and 45 percent emitted a loud, annoyed sigh after Petrun sent flowers to DeSimone’s workplace last Tuesday.”
“Who are they kidding?” said Rebecca Hillard, a single mother of two in Anchorage, AK. “Once this little honeymoon is over, he’s going to cheat on her with an ex-girlfriend and she’ll come running to the American people to pick up the pieces. It’s so obvious it’s stupid.”
According to a Sept. 25 Zogby poll, 36 percent of Americans grimaced when Petrun playfully
nudged DeSimone for no evident reason last Thursday, and 45 percent emitted a loud, annoyed sigh after Petrun sent flowers to DeSimone’s workplace last Tuesday. One in three Americans characterized the way Petrun touched the small of DeSimone’s back as he led her into the backseat of a waiting taxi on the evening of Sept. 19 as “completely unnecessary.”
“The girl knows how to get into a cab without help,” said Adam Burkheimer, a Shreveport, LA, resident and recent divorcé. “I don’t get all the constant pawing.”
On Wednesday, support lines across the country were flooded with calls complaining of moderate or intense nausea after DeSimone refused, and then eventually accepted, Petrun’s hooded sweatshirt during an evening walk.
Online anti-canoodling blogs, such as the popular davejuliebarf.typepad.com, are buzzing with rumors that Petrun and DeSimone broke into a brief, spontaneous slow dance near a Lake Street fountain on Sept. 20.
“Apparently the pussywhipped douche-bag smiles when he sees her name on caller ID, too,” blogger Jessie Fox said. “If they love each other so goddamn much, why don’t they just get married and live happily ever fucking after?”
In recent weeks, elected officials in Nevada, South Dakota, and Virginia passed largely symbolic “Get A Room” ordinances designed to encourage Petrun and DeSimone to make their affectionate displays more private. Conversely, Ococee, FL, banned Petrun and DeSimone from getting a room within its city limits.
While Petrun and DeSimone’s behavior does not qualify as a nuisance under any current statutes, the Chicago and San Francisco city councils unanimously passed a joint proclamation encouraging the pair to tone it down.