The Onion Presents

by The Staff of The Onion

  Read the proclamation in part: “Whereas Dave and Julie are embarking on their first serious relationship, and whereas the odds of it lasting are slim to none, and whereas their ability to make seamless conversation, to instinctively know what the other is thinking, and to relate the story of how the two met when they were randomly seated next to one another on airplane has made nearly 300 million people want to gag, therefore, our cities hereby strongly urge Dave and Julie to really consider breaking up immediately.”

  Unavailable for comment, Petrun and DeSimone are reportedly making plans to go backpacking across Europe during their six-month anniversary in November, prompting fears that their demonstrativeness could escalate international tensions.

  NEWS IN BRIEF

  Area Panties In A Bunch

  CROSS PLAINS, GA—According to police, a pair of area panties was discovered yesterday all wound up in a bunch and badly in need of some loosening. “Whoever owned these panties,” Cross Plains Police Chief Jonathan Norcross said, “obviously needed to relax. Failure to chill out is the number one reason so many panties get bunched in this country each year.” Though the panties investigation is still pending, Norcross denied rumors of a connection between yesterday’s incident and a pair of Atlanta-area undies discovered last Sunday in a bundle.

  NEWS

  New Girlfriend Tests Poorly With Peer Focus Group

  RALEIGH, NC—Preliminary data collected Monday from a focus group of friends indicate that new girlfriend Christine Carr is an unsuitable mate for Evan Lindblad.

  Members of the focus group discuss Carr (inset).

  “I was really excited for everyone to meet Christine,” said Lindblad, 25, a graduate student in clinical psychology at North Carolina State University. “I was sure everyone would like her. But now that the numbers are in, I guess I really dropped the ball on this one.”

  After three weeks of dating, Lindblad held a small party at his home to introduce Carr to a random sampling of his closest friends, ages 22 to 27. Over the course of the evening, Lindblad presented the focus group with a variety of Carr-related queries, ranging from “What do you think of Christine?” to “Is she or isn’t she everything I said?”

  Lindblad also silently observed focus-group members, making careful note of their spontaneous reactions to Carr.

  “At first, everyone was a little shy about speaking up,” Lindblad said. “But sometime around 10:45 p.m., when a majority of the focus group was in the kitchen getting beer and Christine was in the other room, everyone really started voicing their opinions. I was right there with the clipboard, taking it all down.”

  According to Lindblad, Carr scored highest with his five friends from college, with 60 percent of them saying that they “strongly agreed” or “somewhat agreed” with the statement that “Christine seems pretty nice.” Carr also fared better with male constituents of the focus group, who were three times less likely to respond disparagingly to the question, “Did you see what she’s wearing?”

  After tallying Carr’s score in the areas of likability, originality, and believability, Lindblad found that his new girlfriend had garnered a meager 23 percent overall approval rating from the group.

  “Carr fared better with male constituents of the focus group, who were three times less likely to respond disparagingly to the question, ‘Did you see what she’s wearing?’ ”

  “It was clear that they simply were not enamored with Christine,” Lindblad said. “I’m definitely pulling the brakes on bringing her to Eric Barrowman’s Christmas party until I can fully assess this data.”

  In addition to the low approval rating, 11 focus-group members reported feeling “disinterested” or “bored” when speaking to Carr. Further, while in the kitchen, members compiled a list of her negative qualities they would like to see addressed.

  “I did not respond well to that laugh,” Lindblad friend and coworker Toni Evers said. “It was way too high. And I would’ve liked to have seen a little more knowledge about Evan’s field of work.”

  “ ‘I’d heard so many times from Evan how funny Christine was. It was all, ‘Christine said this’ and ‘Christine did that.’ Well, at the party, I had a six-minute exchange with her to ascertain her wit quotient, and during that entire time, she didn’t make one joke.’ ”

  Carr even scored poorly in areas in which Lindblad expected her to fare well.

  “Christine is beautiful, no one can deny that. But feedback indicated that the group wanted to see someone with a ‘more mature look,’ ” Lindblad said. “The midriff-baring shirt actually worked against her in there. Who would have guessed? Well, that’s why we do these tests.”

  By evening’s end, a full 84 percent of Lindblad’s friends said they agreed with the statement, “Evan can do a lot better.”

  “I’ve been close with Evan for several years, and I respect him very much,” Evers said. “But if he goes ahead with this relationship, my approval rating of him could drop significantly.”

  Surprised by Carr’s poor showing, Lindblad turned to best friend Jake Hadler for his take on the results. Hadler told Lindblad that his pre-party hyping of Carr, in which he described her as “really funny and incredibly smart,” may have backfired.

  “I’d heard so many times from Evan how funny Christine was,” Hadler said. “It was all, ‘Christine said this’ and ‘Christine did that.’ Well, at the party, I had a six-minute exchange with her to ascertain her wit quotient, and during that entire time, she didn’t make one joke.”

  Had expectations not been so high, Carr may have fared better, focus-group participants conceded.

  “After the huge build-up, we went in there expecting not merely to be pleased, but blown away,” said Lindblad’s coworker Glen Delk. “Had Lindblad simply billed Christine as ‘great’ or ‘a really cool girl,’ we’d have approached it differently. But he kept saying, ‘This girl may be the one,’ forcing us to evaluate her potential as a major love interest instead of a minor fling.”

  Despite the negative reviews, Lindblad is not yet ready to end the relationship.

  “I’d hate to kill this so quickly after just one focus group,” Lindblad said. “Maybe she can learn a little more about what I’m studying in school. And work on the laugh. That could get the numbers up.”

  NEWS IN PHOTOS

  Jason Statham Beats Wedding Planner To Death In New Romantic Comedy

  NEWS

  Girlfriend Changes Man Into Someone She’s Not Interested In

  CHARLOTTE, NC—After two and a half years of subtle prodding and manipulation, Jill Nickles has finally molded boyfriend Brendan Eiler into the sort of man in whom she’s not interested.

  Jill Nickles and Brendan Eiler.

  “When I first met Brendan, he was a guitarist for [local rock band] The Heavy Petters, and I couldn’t take my eyes off him,” said Nickles, 28. “I used to go to Tramp’s every Thursday night just to watch him play. He wasn’t even the most handsome guy in the world, but he just had this mystique, this air of danger about him. He was really exciting. It’s too bad he’s not like that anymore.”

  After several months of watching him from the crowd, Nickles finally introduced herself to Eiler after a show in September 1998. They soon began dating.

  “Brendan was everything I wanted in a man,” Nickles said. “He was unpredictable, smart, and passionate. I knew he wasn’t perfect, but he was really fun to be around—which is more than I can say for him now.”

  Just weeks into the relationship, Nickles began to notice changes.

  “It started pretty early,” Nickles said. “Instead of being the wild man he’d been, more and more he’d just stay home like a lump, even on nights I told him it was okay if he went out.”

  Four months to the day after their first date, Nickles moved into Eiler’s one-bedroom apartment. The move only accelerated the changes in him.

  “Jill and I weren’t living together long before she started getting irritated by how small the apartment was,” E
iler said. “She was always complaining about how she didn’t have space anymore. Then, she got this idea to get a bigger place, but I couldn’t really afford it, since I was just barely scraping by with what I earned bartending at Mickey’s. I really liked bartending, and it allowed me flexible hours for band practice and gigs. But, like Jill said, I was 25 now and shouldn’t be living hand-to-mouth.”

  “ ‘Brendan was everything I wanted in a man. He was unpredictable, smart, and passionate. I knew he wasn’t perfect, but he was really fun to be around—which is more than I can say for him now.’ ”

  “ ‘All I used to care about was hanging with my friends and having a good time. I guess it’s true that the love of a good woman can really change you for the better.’ ”

  At Nickles’ urging, Eiler quit his job at Mickey’s and landed a position at SFR Solutions, a Charlotte-area web-design firm. The job paid nearly $4,000 a year more than bartending, enabling the couple to move into a larger apartment.

  With a full-time job and a live-in girlfriend, Eiler’s relationship with his band-mates soon began to deteriorate.

  “They kept wanting to play more and more gigs, and I felt like if we wanted to land a record deal, what I needed to do was stay home and write some strong new material,” Eiler said. “Even Jill had stopped going to see us because she said she was getting sick of hearing the same songs—and she was our number-one fan. Finally, they said I had to make more time for shows or they’d get a new guitarist. I was like, ‘Screw you guys,’ and left. Jill pointed out that the band wasn’t really going anywhere anyway, and that I was better off in no band at all than one made up of a bunch of unambitious losers.”

  Upon quitting the band, Eiler’s lifestyle changes accelerated. In September 2000, he cut his long mane of hair in an effort to land a promotion to associate design director at SFR Solutions. Nickles also convinced him to become a vegetarian and sell his customized leather jacket to put a down payment on a new Toyota Camry.

  “When we first started dating, Jill loved how I looked in that jacket,” Eiler said. “But then, a few months later, she said I was getting too old to wear something like that. Plus, it didn’t really gibe with my new vegetarian beliefs. So, with Jill’s full support, I decided it was time to put my old ways to rest.”

  Now a self-described homebody, Eiler said he finds his domestic lifestyle “really satisfying.”

  “If you told me two years ago that I’d be thinking of marriage, a house with a picket fence, and kids, I would have said you were nuts,” Eiler said. “All I used to care about was hanging with my friends and having a good time. I guess it’s true that the love of a good woman can really change you for the better.”

  Despite Nickles’ success in sculpting Eiler into “husband material,” she found her attraction for him beginning to wane.

  “The reason I fell so hard for Brendan was that he was totally different from the guys I used to date,” Nickles said. “He had beautiful long hair, and he was really smart and cynical. Now he reminds me of my boring ex-boyfriend Kevin, who’s an accountant in Raleigh.”

  Even though Nickles’ nights of going out to see The Heavy Petters are long over, she still enjoys going out on occasion.

  “A couple of weeks ago, I was at the bar Brendan and I used to go to all the time,” Nickles said. “I ran into Rob, the bassist for Brendan’s old band and, I have to tell you, he looked really good. We hung out and talked for hours and just had a great time. Drinking and laughing with him really reminded me of the way it used to be with Brendan. I think I’m developing a little crush on Rob.”

  NEWS IN BRIEF

  Longtime Sexual Fantasy Awkwardly Fulfilled

  LEXINGTON, KY—The longtime sexual fantasy of Andrew Marcone was awkwardly fulfilled Saturday, when the local record-store clerk participated in a clumsy, embarrassing ménage à trois with girlfriend Karen Wagner and her roommate Shelley Peelen. “Well, I finally did it, for what it’s worth,” said Marcone, 27, following the long-dreamed-of sexual encounter, six minutes into which he ejaculated. “So much for wondering what it would be like, I guess.” After achieving orgasm, Marcone spent the next half hour “trying not to get in the way” of his companions.

  NEWS

  Voyeur Concerned About Lack Of Sex In Neighbors’ Marriage

  EDWARDSVILLE, KS—Local Peeping Tom David Sutcliffe expressed concern Monday that next-door neighbors John and Kimberly Hobsbaum’s love life may be in jeopardy.

  Peeping Tom David Sutcliffe.

  “On the surface, John and Kim appear to be the perfect couple,” said Sutcliffe, 39, who claimed to know the couple better than most. “They live in a tastefully decorated three-bedroom home, are the proud parents of a beautiful son, and possess all the trappings of modern convenience. But when you take a closer look at their life through the lenses of a powerful set of binoculars, their marriage isn’t all it seems.”

  Sutcliffe said he first suspected that something might be wrong with the Hobsbaums’ relationship after seeing Kimberly quietly crying in the shower six months ago.

  “I almost didn’t notice it at first,” Sutcliffe said. “But when I zoomed out on my camcorder, there she was, weeping.”

  According to Sutcliffe, the rare occasions when Kimberly and John engage in sexual intercourse lack the spontaneity of the early years of their relationship. “There was a time when they, and I, simply couldn’t predict when an impulsive lovemaking session would break out,” said Sutcliffe, who admitted that he hasn’t needed to move his camouflaged camcorder from its tripod in months. “You don’t have to examine hundreds of hours of recorded footage to figure out that sex has become a chore for the Hobsbaums,” Sutcliffe said.

  “Although it does help.”

  “ ‘Maybe Kimberly could greet John one evening in nothing but her red lace teddy. Or, at the very least, she could insist that they have sex with the lights on, adding spontaneity and making my night-vision goggles unnecessary.’ ”

  While Sutcliffe said it would be “unrealistic” to think the couple could rekindle the same passion found in their early days—particularly the “unforgettable” evening of Oct. 12, 1998—he said they can still take steps to recharge their sex life.

  “Men are visually stimulated,” Sutcliffe said as he dimmed the lights, unbuttoned his pants, and leaned forward to peer through a narrow opening in his window blinds. “Maybe Kimberly could greet John one evening in nothing but her red lace teddy. Or, at the very least, she could insist that they have sex with the lights on, adding spontaneity and making my night-vision goggles unnecessary.”

  Continued Sutcliffe: “If that doesn’t work, perhaps the Hobsbaums could try introducing another person into their bedroom—perhaps that fit, redheaded friend of theirs who sometimes comes over for dinner.”

  Sutcliffe had dozens of other suggestions, including slower, more sensual foreplay, inventive role-playing based on Victorian themes, experimenting with new sexual positions on their back patio, and, should all else fail, “videotaping their lovemaking sessions.”

  Sutcliffe warned that couples often don’t realize that small gestures like a kiss good-bye in the morning, clear of any sight-line obstructions such as tall floor lamps, can make all the difference in the world. “Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I lip-read John telling Kimberly that he loved her,” Sutcliffe said.

  The Hobsbaums.

  “This couple needs to talk about their problems, not ignore them,” he went on. “More than anything, they need honest, clear communication, preferably with a lot of sexually explicit verbalizations near an open window within range of my shotgun microphone.”

  Although the Hobsbaums may have reached a low point in their sex life, Sutcliffe pointed out that this is not an uncommon occurrence among married couples he’s observed.

  “ ‘More than anything, they need honest, clear communication, preferably with a lot of sexually explicit verbalizations near an open window within range of my shotgun microphone.’ ”


  “I’ve sat in this chair or crouched in my garage and watched this happen many times before,” said Sutcliffe, who asserted that an outsider’s perspective is invaluable for recognizing problems in a marriage. “Many couples, like the Menekens directly across the street, or the Stephensons, whose bedroom faces my kitchen, forget that sustaining a loving relationship requires a lot of hard work.”

  The good news, according to Sutcliffe, is that the Hobsbaums’ decreased sex life doesn’t seem to be the result of physical illness or inadequacy. “They’re clearly still interested in sex,” he said. “At least these photos, taken during the day when John was alone in the computer room, seem to indicate this.”

  Yet Sutcliffe added that, unless the Hobsbaums start mending their relationship soon, he fears one of them might look for affection where Sutcliffe won’t be able to closely monitor them.

  “I would hate to see something like that happen to such a photogenic couple,” he said.

  NEWS IN BRIEF

  Fuck-Buddy Becomes Fuck-Fiancé

  MIAMI, FL—In spite of the explicitly casual nature of their relationship, fuck-buddies Nora Ingersoll and Keith Hetzel are engaged, friend Tom Stipps reported Tuesday. “Keith and Nora have been fooling around for years, but Keith said they were just friends,” Stipps said. “I was shocked when Nora showed up wearing a ring.” Later that day, the couple reportedly opened a fuck-joint-checking account.

  NEWS

  Breakup Hints Misinterpreted as Marriage-Proposal Hints

  KNOXVILLE, TN—Amanda Gentry, 25, has misinterpreted longtime boyfriend Wilson Crandall’s recent break-up hints—including erratic behavior and strange, cryptic remarks about their future—as marriage-proposal hints.