The Onion Presents
Page 11
“For men, trepidation about marriage is common,” Wasserbaum said. “And a total lack of interest in the details of a wedding reception is more common still, even among those who marry willingly. As for the small handful of grooms who actually enjoy their wedding receptions, I’d say most of them are latently gay.”
According to Ira Giraldi, editor of Wedding Style magazine, the dread felt by the average wedding guest is understandable.
“Most people don’t enjoy weddings—why would they?” Giraldi said. “They have to sit around for long periods making uncomfortable small talk with people they barely know and will probably never see again. They’re expected to help offset the great expense of the wedding by purchasing obligatory gifts arbitrarily chosen off some wedding registry—gifts that reflect nothing about the giver. Plus, it generally eats up an entire day, if not a whole weekend, in cases where air travel is involved.”
Continued Giraldi: “Worst of all, nobody is ever allowed to openly express these universally held feelings. The rules of social conduct obligate guests to endure the entire experience with a surface patina of strained gaiety, a mask of merrymaking and good cheer that becomes progressively more difficult to maintain as the event drags on.”
Despite the boredom of those around her, Mindy had “the most wonderful day ever,” bursting into spontaneous tears of joy at several points during the awful-for-everybody-but-her experience.
“I could dance all night,” Mindy said. “I wish Jimmy liked to dance more. But I don’t care if I’m out on the floor all by myself. This is my day!”
“ ‘As for the small handful of grooms who actually enjoy their wedding receptions, I’d say most of them are latently gay.’ ”
The mother of the bride, traditionally the only other person capable of having a good time at a wedding, was not in attendance, as she died three years ago in a gruesome motorboat accident.
NEWS IN BRIEF
Area Woman Marries Into Health Insurance
SAN FRANCISCO—The romantic motives of local woman Janet Debois, 28, came under scrutiny Sunday following accusations that she had only married Vince Davidson, 31, for his generous health insurance policy. “She wasn’t even into Vince until he started flashing his Blue Cross/Blue Shield card around,” said Carly Platt, a longtime acquaintance who speculated Debois might one day leave her new husband for an older man with a smaller co-pay. “You could just see the wheels turning in her head once she found out his dental plan covered twice-annual cleanings. Then it was a sprint to the altar.” Sources close to Davidson confirmed that he is only getting married so he can use his wife as a tax write-off.
NEWS IN BRIEF
New-Versus-Old Electric-Slide Confusion Blamed In Wedding-Reception Pileup
MALDEN, MA—Twelve wedding guests were critically injured Saturday night in a dance-floor pileup blamed on new-versus-old Electric Slide confusion. “The DJ called for the Electric Slide without specifying which, and when the ‘old’ Sliders slid to the right, they collided violently with the stationary, hip-shaking ‘new’ Sliders,” paramedic Laura Denison said. “By the fifth bar, the dance floor was a gruesome tangle of bodies.” In the wake of the tragedy, the American Association of Disc Jockeys released a statement urging all DJs to specify which Electric Slide they are calling for at any future weddings, retirement parties, and bar mitzvahs.
NEWS IN BRIEF
Newlyweds Regret Saving Sex For Marriage
WETUMKA, OK—Two weeks after their Feb. 1 wedding, Matt and Liz Kuchen, both 32, regret remaining virgins until marriage. “Why the hell did I wait?” Liz said Tuesday. “I could’ve been having mind-blowing sex with dozens of guys these last 15 years, and instead I spent them making little uptight speeches about how it’ll be more special if I hold out.” Matt agreed, saying, “Stacy Pratt totally would’ve done me. Oh, man.”
NEWS
Mattress King Selects Wife From Small Wisconsin Village
OSHKOSH, WI—Joyous tidings were trumpeted throughout the hamlets of central Wisconsin this week after 43-year-old Mattress King James Koepke III, Lord and Master of a vast bed and box-spring empire, selected Beth Lowery, a buxom, flaxen-haired maiden from the small village of Waukau, to be his bride.
The Mattress King, as seen in one of his recent televised decrees.
The 36-year-old queen-to-be, red of cheek and unmarred by pocks or the great widening of the hindquarters endemic to females of the region, reportedly accepted the king’s matrimonial offer without hesitation. The new queen will reign alongside the noble bedroom furnishings monarch, and together they shall rule the mattress kingdom, which spreads across four convenient locations in the Fox River valley.
Following the royal proclamation, the Mattress King and his retinue reportedly celebrated with great relish amongst the citizenry at Tinker’s Pub, where Wild Turkey and Miller High Life did freely flow until the early morning hours.
“I’m real happy for [King] Jimmy,” said James’ most trusted consul since high school, Sir Louis of Wilkinson. “This new one seems like a great gal. All’s I gotta say is, it’s about time!”
James III—the territory’s unchallenged sovereign of discount prices on Sealy, Serta, King Koil, and Tempur-Pedic mattresses since his father, James II, became too enfeebled to run the empire in 1999—has been in search of a suitable queen ever since his last bride, Linda, the Great Bitch of Pewaukee, absconded in the night with a lowborn scoundrel from whom she was taking skiing lessons.
“The new queen will reign alongside the noble bedroom furnishings monarch, and together they shall rule the mattress kingdom, which spreads across four convenient locations in the Fox River valley.”
Though she was banished from James’ sprawling split-level Oshkosh palace in 2002, the former queen was able to empty his vast coffers by half, leaving the Mattress King much embittered by romantic conquest for many years.
Sources close to the king said that he remained most dubious about his prospects of ever again finding true love until he was instantly smitten by the fair and reasonably chaste Beth of Waukau, a common serving wench at a local Applebee’s.
In his great languishing for his beloved, the Mattress King reportedly could not rest his mighty head in slumber for nigh a fortnight, and supped at the simple chain tavern every day for a month, walking amongst his subjects as one of their own. At last, no longer able to contain his desire, His Highness summoned the courage to request that he be permitted to court her in the customary manner with an evening of bowling.
Though he cared for her deeply, King James at first did hide his noble birthright from Lowery, afraid that his lady love was indeed one of a roving pack of money grubbing whores that had befallen the area.
“I think Jimmy didn’t tell her who he was because he got burned so many times in the past,” said Kyle Osterberg, trusted ward of the king’s fiefdom in Appleton’s Fox River Mall. “He wanted Beth to love him for who he is as a person.”
According to sources, the dirty-flaxen-haired Lowery finally discovered the king’s true identity after seeing him in all his regal dress on a printed edict on the back of the Oshkosh Northwestern newspaper. In the full-color announcement, His Majesty declared himself insane due to the unheard-of discounts he was offering on all Simmons mattresses throughout his kingdom.
Soon after, the Mattress King asked for her hand, paying a handsome tribute to her parents in the form of a 25-percent lifetime discount at any of the franchises under his purview.
The Queen-To-Be.
“Jimmy is such a great guy, and so much better than the other jerks Beth was always dragging home,” said Melinda Lowery, the future Mattress Queen’s mother, clearly still in awe of her daughter’s unimaginable providence. “And [the queen’s father] Clark [Lowery] and I just love our new mattress set.”
Though the benefits of mattress royalty will be many, the new queen will not be without her sacred duties. From the day their union is formed, Lowery will be at her husband’s side in the back office
of the North Main Street location, where her most important charge will be balancing the royal checkbook, because, according to the king’s decree, “she’s got a great head for numbers.”
The Mattress King and his betrothed will reportedly be wed this May, with a lavish reception for the local peasantry to be held at the Delmar Party House. Sources said that no expense will be spared for the wedding feast, where local delicacies will abound, including innumerable hot wings from Purcell’s Bar & Grille.
The queen is expected to produce an heir to the throne in six and a half months.
NEWS IN BRIEF
Kiss With Wife Pretty Good
DENTON, TX—Forty-one-year-old printer repairman and husband Nils Holzer was shocked by the quality of a kiss he shared with his wife before going to work last Tuesday. The kiss, which experts estimate to be the couple’s 4,287th, lasted eight seconds longer than their previous and featured more animation on the part of both participants. “Well, whadaya know?” Holzer said. “That was pretty all right. She even moved her hands around on my back. I forgot about that.” Holzer thought about the kiss for most of the day, and was at press time considering doing something nice for her, like buying some of those daisies she likes.
NEWS
Marriage Handled Amicably
DAVENPORT, IA—Despite the bitter emotional toll it has taken on them, Beth and David Harrigan expressed relief Tuesday that they have been able to handle their 11-year marriage so amicably.
According to Beth, while it’s clear that they will never fully reconcile their differences, she and David are doing their best in a bad situation.
“It can get pretty tense when the two of us have to be in the same room together, and the holidays are definitely awkward,” Beth said. “But overall, I think we’ve managed to be really civil throughout the whole ordeal.”
“Marriage is obviously a terrible, terrible thing, but it doesn’t mean we have to be at each other’s throats,” Beth added.
The Harrigans also maintained that, while they may no longer be in love, they still both have a great deal of respect for each other.
The couple’s biggest concern has reportedly been their children, Simon, 7, and Laura, 9. Beth said that while she and David realized they could never completely protect the kids from the damaging effects of their continued union, they were doing their best to honestly answer any questions that come up.
“The marriage has been really hard on the kids, but we’re making sure they know it’s not their fault that it’s like this,” said Beth, adding that she tries not to bad-mouth David within earshot of her son and daughter. “Children are very perceptive—they can always tell when something’s wrong—so we decided not to keep anything from them. It’s not like we’re ever going to be a happily married couple again, but at least we can try to make it as painless as possible for them.”
David said that the marriage has been challenging for him personally, but it has also afforded him the opportunity to grow. According to the self-employed accountant, he now spends most of his time in his home office in the basement, an arrangement that still allows him to see his children frequently.
Beth and Dave Harrigan say they see no reason why their marriage can’t be as painless and civil as possible.
“ ‘The marriage has been really hard on the kids, but we’re making sure they know it’s not their fault it’s like this.’ ”
“In some ways, the whole thing has actually been good for me,” David said. “It was such a huge relief when Beth and I could finally sit down and say, ‘Look, this thing isn’t working, but what are you gonna do? Life goes on.’ ”
“Now I just have to build up the courage to start seeing other people,” David continued.
Though things between the couple remain strained, David and Beth both said they look forward to moving past the unpleasant experience as soon as the other dies.
NEWS IN BRIEF
Attractive Woman, Wealthy Man Somehow Making It Work
GREENWICH, CT—Despite their disparate backgrounds, lack of mutual interests, and seemingly insurmountable gap in age, former Miss Kentucky finalist Amber Williams, 26, and multimillionaire real estate mogul Chester R. Williams II, 61, told reporters Monday that they somehow continue to make their marriage work. “The moment I saw her, I knew I wanted to marry her,” said Chester Williams, adding that the couple’s relationship has inexplicably persevered despite the fact that they usually see each other only one or two nights a week. “Amber said she had always been waiting for somebody like me to come along and sweep her off her feet. I suppose she was exactly what I was looking for, too.” Sources close to the pair confirmed that it is almost as if the two were “made for each other.”
NEWS
Amazon.com Recommendations Understand Area Woman Better Than Husband
SANDUSKY, OH—Area resident Pamela Meyers was delighted to receive yet another thoughtful CD recommendation from Amazon.com Friday, confirming that the online retail giant has a more thorough, individualized, and nuanced understanding of her taste than the man who occasionally claims to love her, husband Dean Meyers.
“To come home from a long day at work and see the message about the new Norah Jones album waiting for me, it just made my week,” said Meyers, 36, who claimed she was touched that the company paid such attention to her. “It feels nice to be noticed once in a while, you know?”
Amazon, which has been tracking Meyers’ purchases since she first used the site to order Football For Dummies in preparation for attending the 2004 Citrus Bowl as part of her husband’s 10th wedding anniversary plans, has shown impressive accuracy at recommending books, movies, music, and even clothing that perfectly match Meyers’ tastes. While the powerful algorithms that power Amazon’s recommendations generator do not have the advantage of being able to observe Meyers’ body language, verbal intonation, or current personal possessions, they have nonetheless proven more effective than Dean, who bases his gift-giving choices primarily on what is needed around the house, what he would like to own, and, most notably, what objects are nearby.
“I don’t know how Amazon picked up on my growing interest in world music so quickly, but I absolutely love this traditional Celtic CD,” Meyers said. “I like it so much more than that Keith Urban thing Dean got me. I’m really not sure what made him think I like country music.”
Meyers said she was especially moved that the online merchant remembered that she had once purchased an Ian McEwan book, and immediately reminded her when the author released a new novel. Moreover, despite having had only 37 hours of direct interaction with Meyers, Amazon was still able to detect her strong interest in actor Paul Giamatti, unlike husband Dean, who often teases Meyers about her nonexistent crush on Tom Cruise.
Meyers said she was pleasantly surprised to receive three e-mails from Amazon today alone.
Meyers said that her husband, whose gift choices have never reflected any outward recognition of her desire to learn Spanish, nor of the fact that she looks terrible in orange, rarely, if ever, communicates with Meyers while away on any of his frequent business trips.
“I was having some tea from that Nebraska Cornhuskers mug Dean got me for Valentine’s Day, when a little e-mail from Amazon popped up out of the blue,” Meyers said. “Just completely out of the blue.”
“It was nice to know that on my birthday, someone or something was out there thinking about me, and what boxed sets I wanted,” she added.
“ ‘I don’t know how Amazon picked up on my growing interest in world music so quickly, but I absolutely love this traditional Celtic CD. I like it so much more than that Keith Urban thing Dean got me. I’m really not sure what made him think I like country music.’ ”
Though “it could only be a coincidence,” Meyers admitted that she became emotional during a recent “bad day” when the site recommended the DVD The Umbrellas Of Cherbourg. “Dean and I saw it on one of our first dates, and I remember it being such a great night not just for the movie, but h
ow everything felt so natural, how we seemed to be on the same wavelength,” Meyers said. “It was the first time I thought, ‘Yes. This is the one.’ ”
While Amazon is almost always accurate, the company does occasionally make a gift recommendation that does not suit her tastes, such as a recent suggestion of camping gear and an all-weather backpack. Still, Meyers lauded Amazon’s attempts at spontaneity.
“At least it’s trying,” said Meyers, whose husband will once again surprise her with their fourth romantic getaway to his hometown of Kenton, DE, sometime in March. “And maybe I would like camping if I ever tried it. Amazon’s usually right about these things.”
Meyers, who has spent the past 15 years with a man who still believes she enjoys attending car shows, said she has kept her Amazon recommendation e-mails a secret from her husband so as not to corrupt the “deep and unstated understanding” between her and the popular website.
“Sure, I could send him the link to my Wish List, but that really defeats the purpose of gifts, as far as I’m concerned,” Meyers said.
For his part, Dean has promised to make a concerted effort to pay closer attention to his wife’s habits in order to choose more appropriate and tasteful gifts. He said that she will be “pleasantly surprised” with his new strategy, enrolling her for the next three years in the Oprah Book Club.
“ ‘It was nice to know that on my birthday, someone or something was out there thinking about me and what boxed sets I wanted.’ ”
“I know she’s really into The View, so I just figured this would be perfect,” Dean Meyers said. “And I know she’ll love taking moonlight drives on our new riding mower together, too.”