The Onion Presents
Page 12
NEWS IN BRIEF
Frustration With Husband Taken Out On Soap Scum
FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Local homemaker Darlene Ernst, 37, expressed her frustration with her husband, Dean, on Tuesday by vigorously scouring the stubborn soap scum from her bathtub’s surface. “A clean bathroom takes a lot of work, and maybe I’m not always in the mood to do it, but I do it anyway because it’s the right thing,” said Ernst, whose spouse’s emotional unavailability is similarly responsible for her home’s dust-free mini-blinds and spotless attic. “I will not let this soap scum ruin my life.” Sources report that Ernst treated herself to a new Clorox ReadyMop over the weekend after hearing from neighbors that her husband was seen with another woman.
NEWS
Husband Still Faithful After 42 Years Of Trying To Cheat
SARASOTA, FL—Through the ups and downs of raising four children, years of financial hardship, and all the stresses and turmoil of daily life, claims adjuster Arnold Schneider has stayed true to his wife of 42 years, despite his most determined efforts to engage in sexual intercourse outside of wedlock.
“I could never be unfaithful to Helen,” said the 63-year-old Schneider, who over the past four decades has unsuccessfully attempted extramarital relations with dozens of friends, acquaintances, work colleagues, and random strangers. “Sure, there have been some tough times, and we all have moments of doubt, but Helen is the woman I love.”
Added the man who has attempted to trade in his wife for the first willing female participant hundreds of times over, “Even I’m amazed by that sometimes.”
According to sources close to the couple, Schneider has remained grudgingly loyal and devoted to his wife from the very beginning, failing time and again to cheat on his unsuspecting bride during their honeymoon together in Acapulco.
“I’ll never forget Mexico—the beaches, the stars, the amazing food and people,” said Schneider, who, as his new wife lay sound asleep in bed, would routinely sneak out of their hotel room and try in vain to hit on the young cocktail waitress tending bar downstairs. “It was perfect. Pretty much almost perfect.”
Over the next decade, Schneider remained faithful to his wife by default, repeatedly coming up short during his regular jaunts to singles clubs, at neighborhood key parties, and through the general freewheeling sexual bacchanalia of the 1970s.
Schneider and the woman who would have almost certainly left him had he not failed at infidelity.
“Whether he was being stood up by the woman who answered his personals ad, or unsuccessfully attempting to persuade his wife’s more attractive sister to visit a clothing-optional spa, Schneider said that what mattered most was that he never once wavered.”
“It was a crazy time and a lot of my friends didn’t think twice when it came to breaking the sacred bonds of marriage,” said Schneider, who despite throwing himself at any available woman in his presence, completely failed to capitalize on his adulterous tendencies. “But not me. No sir.”
“Not even once,” Schneider added with a heavy sigh.
Despite being left with no choice but to stay committed to his marriage, the reluctant husband and father admitted that being loyal wasn’t always so easy. With a growing family and increased tension at work, Schneider said there were times when he could have taken comfort in the arms of another.
“Yes, there were moments when I found myself on the verge of the unthinkable,” said Schneider, who once drove 300 miles to meet an old girlfriend from high school, only to be flatly rejected by the woman and have coffee thrown in his face. “Still, for one reason or another, I just couldn’t go through with it. And when it was all over, I could look myself in the mirror and say, ‘Forty-two years, and you’ve never been with anyone besides your wife.’ Forty-two goddamn years.”
Schneider acknowledged that even in less troubling times he occasionally felt restless after four decades with the same partner. But whether he was being stood up by the woman who answered his personals ad, or unsuccessfully attempting to persuade his wife’s more attractive sister to visit a clothing-optional spa, Schneider said that what mattered most was that he never once wavered.
“Heck, I’ve got eyes, and I’ll notice a pretty face just like anyone else,” said Schneider, who at press time was still hoping to hear from a pancake-house waitress he had given his business card to three weeks earlier. “But what can I say? There’s an ultimate line Arnold Schneider just can’t cross. I’m not even sure I’d know how, to tell you the truth.”
For her part, Helen Schneider said she had no doubt that, through it all, her husband has always been faithful.
“Maybe I’m naïve,” Helen said, “but I’ve known this man most of my life, and I just can’t imagine him cheating on me. Honestly, Arnie’s my little saint.”
NEWS IN BRIEF
Storybook Romance Leads To In-Flight-Magazine Marriage
MORRISTOWN, NJ—A romance straight out of a storybook has led to a marriage straight out of an in-flight magazine, it was reported Monday. “Matthew and Lorraine DeRoia, who wed one year ago after the kind of magical courtship you read about in fairytales, now live the kind of lives that are as exciting as an in-flight magazine, industry trade journal, or dental-health brochure,” said Larry Garber, who lives next door to the utterly-bored-with-each-other DeRoias.
COMMENTARY
My Man’s Intuition Tells Me My Neighbor Wants To Sleep With Me
by Edward Jonas
I don’t even know what you’d call it—a sixth sense, a little voice, a certain gut feeling—but every man has a special, indefinable intuition about the unspoken matters of the heart. I first noticed mine when I was a teenager. Sometimes it’s vague, other times it’s a sensation you feel right in your core, but whatever it is, I always pay it heed, and it’s never steered me wrong.
And ever since that little blond hottie moved in down the street, my man’s intuition’s been going off like crazy. See, most people aren’t in tune enough with their intuition to see that my neighbor, with her tight body and teasing eyes, is desperate to take a ride on the Jonas pony. After all, as a young, energetic yoga instructor married to some rich, handsome guy who does something in business or stocks or whatever, she seems to have it all. I might not be the best-looking guy on the block, but I’ve been around it a few times, and I know when I’m getting vibed. Particularly when they are sex vibes.
My man’s intuition is telling me that she wants to sleep with me, and it’s telling me she wants it bad. Real bad.
Male intuition is hard to explain. All men have it, but most either don’t understand it or never effectively develop it. To me, it’s absolutely indispensable. How else would I pick up on life’s silent little cues? Like with this new neighbor: Every time I see her from afar, I get this twinge that tells me she wants nothing more than for me to slip in through the back door to find her wearing bike shorts, a tank top, and pigtails, and give it to her long and hard while her husband is at work.
“I might not be the best-looking guy on the block, but I’ve been around it a few times, and I know when I’m getting vibed. Particularly when they are sex vibes.”
Even I found it hard to believe at first. But about two weeks after they moved in, I ran into her at the grocery store, and as I was introducing myself, my male intuition started pumping like mad. I don’t even remember what we were talking about, but after two minutes I knew that there was a connection. A sex connection. I could probably have taken her right there in the paper-towel aisle, but my male intuition said it wasn’t the time or place. So I played it cool.
The signals just kept coming, though. Whenever she saw me outside working, she’d wave and sometimes say, “Hey, Ed.” Then I noticed that she’d walk in front of the dining room window every night, knowing full well that it was directly across from my house. And every night at around the same time, she’d wash the dishes in one of those teeny shirts she likes to wear. I would just sit in my completely darkened living room, watching her jiggle and sway
as she scrubbed those pans. Damn, does my male intuition go crazy when she’s doing stuff like that.
My friend Deborah from work thinks that I’m deluding myself. She says that a happily married woman like that would never want to get with a guy like me. What you have to remember, though, is that Deborah, like all women, just doesn’t get it. Without a man’s intuition, there’s no way she could sense what’s really going on here. Besides, she’s probably just jealous, because my intuition says Deborah totally wants me even though she says she’s a lesbian. I can see how that would make her confused.
Yeah, my male intuition tells me that it won’t be long before something happens between this neighbor and me. Something sexual. All I have to do is pay close attention and wait for her sign that she’s ready. It could be something as small as her forgetting to lock the bathroom door while she’s showering. Whenever it is, believe me, I’ll be there. And my male intuition tells me that she’s going to love it.
“She’s probably just jealous, because my intuition says Deborah totally wants me even though she says she’s a lesbian. I can see how that would make her confused.”
NEWS IN BRIEF
Best Thing That Ever Happened To Area Man Yelling At Him About His Socks
MINNEAPOLIS—Joseph Collins, 38, who is perhaps the luckiest man alive and who certainly doesn’t deserve the wonderful woman who showed him what it was like to be happy, was chastised by the love of his life for sock-related reasons Thursday. “Look at the holes in these toes,” sighed Collins’ perfect match, who found him when he was adrift in his late 20s and brought joy and tenderness into his life. “And these are your good SmartWools. You have to treat your things right, honey. Are you listening to me?” At press time, Shelly Collins’ knight in shining armor was spilling cookie crumbs all over the couch she had just cleaned.
AMERICAN VOICES
Gay Marriage
Last week, the Massachusetts high court sanctioned same-sex marriages in that state. What do you think?
Karl Collins
Mechanical Engineer
“Same-sex unions will only serve to weaken the institution of marriage for the rest of us. My wife and I can barely stand each other as it is.”
Joe Perez
Waiter
“How will they decide who’s going to wear the wedding dress?! Whoa! Sorry for being so ‘politically incorrect’!”
Frances Evans
Producer
“What’s the big deal? It’s legal now. My sister’s married to a gay guy and everyone knows it.”
Walter Hill
Systems Analyst
“Great. Just when I finally get my mother to accept that I’m gay, she has a whole new thing to nag me about: getting married.”
Jerry Turner
Musician
“Some fag better not try marrying me. These days, you fuck a guy one time and he pulls out a ring.”
Diane Morris
Counselor
“As an overweight, emotionally needy fag hag, I strongly oppose all gay marriage legislation.”
NEWS
Lack Of Second Car Preserves Marriage
CHICKASAW, AL—Though they’ve weathered some rocky times during their five years of marriage, Dale and Sheila Hefko have managed to stay together. The couple’s secret? Their lack of a second car.
Dale and Sheila Hefko and the lone car that holds them together.
“This marriage hasn’t exactly worked out like I expected, but we’re determined to stick it out,” he said. “At least until I get my own car so I can still get around.”
“So long as we’ve only got one car between us,” Dale continued, “ain’t nobody’s going nowhere.”
Sheila expressed a similar determination to preserve their sacred union, held together by the used 1990 Ford Escort she and Dale bought for $3,100 in 1995.
“Last Friday, when I found out about Dale and [neighbor] Rhonda [Geilstead], I was gonna kick him out of the house for good,” Sheila said. “But I knew he’d take off in the car if I did, and I had to go to the dentist in Mobile on Saturday. I wasn’t about to wait two months for a new appointment, so I didn’t even bring the Rhonda thing up.”
Despite their difficulties, the Hefkos realize that divorce is not something to be taken lightly.
“Even if the court says I get the car,” Sheila said, “I can’t take it, because then he don’t have no way to get to work, and he gets fired and I don’t get child support.”
Also factoring into the one-car couple’s decision to stay together are their children, Jesse, 4, and Naomi, 1.
“If it weren’t for the kids, maybe we wouldn’t still be married,” Sheila said. “But as it is, I need to get them to the babysitter’s and the doctor, and I’ve got to get to the Piggly Wiggly in Prichard for baby food and diapers. Take all that away, and I’m doing a whole lot less driving.”
“ ‘If it weren’t for the kids, maybe we wouldn’t still be married. But as it is, I need to get them to the babysitter’s and the doctor, and I’ve got ot get to the Piggly Wiggly in Prichard for baby food and diapers.’ ”
The car is also needed to transport Dale and Sheila to their respective jobs, as well as to get Dale to his monthly meeting with his parole officer. Sheila described a typical day: “At around 8 a.m., I drop Jesse off at Kidcare, then I take Naomi over to one of my friends, usually Bobbie or Angie, because Kidcare won’t take Naomi until she’s 2. Then I wake up Dale, and he drops me off at my waitressing job at the Toot Toot Steak House, then he heads off to the screen-door factory for second shift.”
“ ‘When you’re buying a car, you’ve got to think of things in terms of the long run. When you sign your name on that title, that car’s yours, for better or for worse.’ ”
Surprisingly, it was Dale and Sheila’s mutual need for a roommate, not a car, that brought them together.
“When I dropped out of high school, my mom kicked me out of the house, so I was just sleeping on people’s couches until I could find a place,” Sheila said. “Then, when I started messing around with Dale, he said he’d dump his girlfriend if I moved in and picked up her rent. After a few months I got pregnant, so we got married.”
Five years later, the pair is still together.
“It’s damn near impossible to find a cheap car that isn’t gonna end up costing more to fix than what you paid for it,” said Dale, who regularly scans the classified ads and visits used-car lots. “See, when you’re buying a car, you’ve got to think of things in terms of the long run. When you sign your name on that title, that car’s yours, for better or for worse.”
NEWS IN BRIEF
Area Woman Not Yelling At You, She’s Just Saying
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Area resident Roberta Pearle clarified Monday that, while it may look like she is yelling at you, she is actually just saying. “I’m not yelling at you,” Pearle explained. “I’m just saying. You know, so you’ll know.” Pearle then loudly reiterated that she is not yelling. “I’m not,” she said.
NEWS IN BRIEF
Easy Wife Gives It Up On First Date Night
OMAHA, NE—Local man James Carlson totally got some Friday night when his wife, Shelly, “went all the way” after just one date night, the lucky husband reported. “I figured it’d be at least three date nights before she gave it up, but all it took was a modest dinner and a few glasses of wine, and she went straight home with me, no questions asked,” Carlson said of his wife of eight years, with whom he has three children, James Jr., 7, Wendy, 5, and Sandy, 3. “After we paid the babysitter and brushed our teeth, she couldn’t keep her hands off me.” Carlson hopes to continue date-nighting his wife for the foreseeable future, seeing as she is such an easy lay.
NEWS
Red-Lace Nightie Portends Another Excruciating Night For Closeted Husband
CLARKSTON, GA—A red-lace nightgown, barely covering area resident Amanda Yetter’s body, sent waves of dread through husband and closeted homosexual Eric Yetter Friday.
Closeted homosexual Eric Yetter and wife, Amanda.
“I was coming home late from a long, tiring day at the office, and Amanda met me at the door wearing that red thing,” said Yetter, 36, referring to the size-large, satin-trimmed, babydoll-style nightgown with matching ruffled thong bikini Amanda recently purchased at Victoria’s Secret. “I immediately thought, ‘Oh, God, here we go again.’ ”
Yetter, who has yet to admit his homosexual desires to himself, much less his wife, returned home at 10 p.m. expecting Amanda to be asleep.
“When I pulled in the driveway, all the lights were all off, so I figured I’d be able to just relax and watch some TV,” Yetter said. “But as it turned out, Amanda was waiting for me with the whole house lit up with candles and vanilla incense.”
Upon seeing his wife in the nightie, Yetter feared that the situation would lead to intercourse, which until that point he had managed to avoid for a record seven weeks. Panicked, he began searching for an excuse.
“As Amanda unbuttoned my shirt, I tried to tell her that we’d wake up Eric Jr., but she said Grandma took him for the night so that we could finally spend some time alone,” Yetter said. “Then I told her that I had to get up early to cut the grass, but she reminded me that the mower was broken. That’s when I knew there was no way out.”
“ ‘It’d be nice if he enjoyed it more, but you know how men are. When you finally talk them into it, they just want to get in there, shut their eyes tight, and get it over with as quickly as possible.’ ”
Yetter was led into the bedroom, where playing on the stereo was the CD compilation Pure Romance, an album he associates with a particularly unbearable Jan. 6 encounter with his wife involving mutual oral sex. After being instructed to kiss his wife all over, Yetter was then subjected to 23 minutes of marital relations.