Pick Your Poison

by Lauren Child

  Ruby walked the branch like a tightrope walker might, arms outstretched and feet stepping one in front of the other, until she reached the end. From there she looked out across the yard and the alley that ran between the backs of the houses. She was looking to see where Mr Parker was and, perhaps more crucially, Mr Parker’s dog, Bubbles. Mr Parker was a man who rarely had a good word to say about anyone or anything. He just didn’t like people and as Mrs Digby so wisely said, ‘Steer clear of folks who don’t like folks.’ Bubbles, meanwhile, was a dog who didn’t like people, but did enjoy biting them. For these two reasons Ruby rarely trespassed on Mr Parker’s land, not if she could possibly help it.

  She stood there perfectly still, listening for activity that might warn of her neighbour’s presence, but she could only hear the wind and feel its keenness to snatch her from her perch. She took a deep breath and leapt.

  She landed on the branch of the tree next door and she didn’t stop, running now, climbing as high as the tree would take her. She moved so quickly that the weaker branches had no time to snap, her weight gone before the branch realised it could not hold her.

  As Ruby swayed from limb to limb, reaching out to grab another, stepping lightly from one to the next, she felt almost like she were defying gravity, treading the space between things. Having left the safety of her own yard, she wanted nothing more than to retrieve the comic and get out of there. She couldn’t see Bubbles. She waited, she scanned the yard, looking all around, but there was no sign of the Doberman, which meant Mr Parker was out. Below her, a large cat watched, tail twitching, ready to pounce should the strange bird fall.

  If Bubbles was here, she reasoned, then this cat would be running for its life.

  She dropped to the ground, ran to the middle of the lawn and snatched up the comic, then stuffed it down her sweatshirt and began to climb back up the tree.

  ‘What exactly are you doing?’

  The voice came from far below.

  It wasn’t one Ruby recognised and in her confusion she nearly toppled from the branch.

  ‘Relax!’ came a different voice. ‘It’s just me!’

  ‘Jeepers Clance! Is that supposed to be funny? You nearly half scared the wits out of me.’

  ‘Sorry Rube.’ He was staring up from the alley at the back of the houses, his eyes hidden behind a pair of flower-shaped dark glasses. ‘But actually what are you doing?’

  ‘Dicing with death.’

  ‘I’ll say,’ said Clancy. ‘You do know that if Mr Parker catches you you’ll be skinned alive?’

  ‘That’s the kind of thing Mrs Digby would say.’

  ‘Yes, and she happens to be right.’

  ‘And I happen to know he’s gotta be out – there’s no sign of Bubbles.’

  ‘I wouldn’t bet on it.’

  ‘You scared, Crew?’

  ‘Sure I’m scared – and not of the dog. Mr Parker is one mean old man.’

  ‘You don’t wanna be scared of Mr Parker,’ said Ruby, preparing to jump back towards home. ‘Mr Parker is a pussycat.’ She leapt.

  At that exact moment a voice bellowed and Ruby, losing concentration, failed to catch the branch her outstretched arm was reaching for and tumbled through the leaves, grabbing at any flimsy twigs that might prevent her fall.

  ‘Boy!’ the new voice boomed. ‘What are you doing peering over my yard fence?’

  Clancy twisted around to see the angry beet-coloured face of Mr Parker.

  ‘Oh, me,’ stammered Clancy, ‘me?’

  ‘Yes, you, idiot. Is there another skinny, good-for-nothing chump looking into my yard?’

  ‘I wouldn’t think so Mr Parker, I’ll bet I’m the only one.’

  ‘So answer me quick – what’s got you so interested in my property?’

  ‘I saw a raccoon,’ said Clancy, ‘more than one, several, in fact lots of them. I was going to inform you because I thought you would want to, you know, call raccoon control?’

  ‘I don’t need raccoon control,’ he spat. ‘I’ll simply set my dog on them just as soon as I find her – she’s gone AWOL.’ He whistled a command as if to illustrate the point. ‘Disappeared into thin air,’ said Mr Parker. ‘I don’t suppose you know something about that, do you?’ He trained his beady eyes on Clancy and Clancy stepped back a pace.

  ‘Why would I, Mr Parker? But I’m happy to help you look.’

  Unfortunately, Ruby’s cluster of twigs parted company with the tree at that moment and she was again tumbling through the branches and this time to the ground.

  ‘Ouch.’

  Mr Parker’s ears pricked up. ‘Was that an ouch?’ he said, fumbling for his gate key.

  ‘I doubt it,’ said Clancy. ‘I’ve never heard a raccoon say ouch.’

  ‘Don’t get smart with me boy. It’s that Redfort girl, isn’t it?’

  ‘I wouldn’t think so sir.’

  But Mr Parker wasn’t listening. ‘Girl!’ he bellowed. ‘You’re in trouble so deep you’ll need that hound of yours to dig you out.’

  ‘Hey, let me help you with that key,’ said Clancy, knocking the key out of the old man’s hand. It fell between the bars of a drain cover, clattered into the darkness and that was that for Mr Parker’s gate key.

  This delaying tactic gave Ruby just enough time to stumble to her feet, then half-run half-limp across the Parker lawn.

  Mr Parker whistled again to his dog and this time Ruby thought she did hear something: not a bark, not a yap, but perhaps a whimper. It was the noise an injured dog might make. It was coming from the space underneath the house.

  Mr Parker’s house was built in the old tradition – a clapboard house on short stilts off the ground. Ruby paused and looked, and what she thought she saw was a tangled reel of rubber hose come to life.

  It couldn’t be.

  So she stepped in closer and stared into the darkened space.

  What she saw made her take a sharp breath and hold it.

  Yes. It could be.

  For under the Parker house was a writhing mass of snakes, and Bubbles, lying on her side, drool around her muzzle.

  ‘Oh jeez, Bubbles,’ said Ruby. ‘This ain’t good.’

  MR PARKER WAS FURIOUS. Clancy could tell that by the way his nostrils flared – also by his constant repeating of the words, ‘Don’t be surprised if I don’t skin you alive!’ and ‘What kind of delinquent are you?’

  He was very unhappy about the lost gate key. ‘Now I’ve got to go all the way down the street to my sister’s house to pick up my spare.’

  ‘You have a sister, Mr Parker, that’s nice,’ said Clancy.

  ‘Nice? Why is it nice?’ demanded Mr Parker. ‘Just another drain on me, another individual trying to get their hands on my fortune.’ And off he stomped back down the alley. When he was out of sight, Clancy stuck his head over the fence. ‘He’s gone,’ he hissed, ‘you can get out of there.’

  But Ruby stayed right where she was, crouched on the ground.

  ‘What are you doing? What’s happened?’ said Clancy.

  ‘You better get over here,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Is the dog there?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘Yeah, but she’s not going to be much interested in trespassers today.’

  ‘OK, if you say so,’ said Clancy, scrabbling over the fence. He ran over to where Ruby was kneeling. ‘Jeez,’ he exclaimed, ‘what happened to her?’

  ‘Snakes,’ said Ruby. ‘Can you wait while I call for help?’

  ‘Sure,’ said Clancy, ‘but don’t be long, she doesn’t look good, plus I don’t want to be here when Mr Parker comes home.’

  ‘I’ll be quick – don’t get too near, Clance, you know what they say about injured animals. Not to mention that whole nest of vipers there.’

  Ruby leapt the fence into her yard and ran into the house, where she picked up the phone.

  Then, for just a moment, she paused. If she did this, she was almost certainly going to blow her cover. They’d know it was a girl who had called – and Mr Parker
would find out she was in his yard.

  On the other hand, she couldn’t just leave Bubbles to die, could she? She didn’t like Bubbles a whole lot, but that wasn’t Bubbles’ fault.

  She sighed, and dialled the emergency vet – who, lucky for Bubbles, was available and on her way.

  Next she called the emergency services. Ruby wasn’t exactly sure which department might deal with a nest of venomous snakes, but she was sure someone would be interested.

  ‘I’m calling to report a dangerous animal situation in my neighbour’s back yard,’ she said.

  ‘What nature of dangerous animal?’

  ‘There’s a ton of snakes under his house.’

  ‘What kind of snakes?’

  ‘Venomous ones, if you’re taking an interest.’

  ‘How do you know that?’

  ‘Because I know a bunch about snakes. They’re Mojave Greens if that helps, you can look them up in your encyclopaedia under V for vipers. Why they’ve left the desert I don’t know. Maybe it’s this weird weather.’

  ‘Maybe you know about snakes, but how do you know they’re in your neighbour’s back yard?’

  Ruby took a breath. ‘Because I was there.’

  ‘You were in your neighbour’s back yard and you saw a nest of Mojave Green snakes.’ The woman didn’t sound convinced.

  ‘Look, I’m not the biggest fan of Mr Parker and, believe me, if he didn’t have a dog I might think twice about calling you. I just want to make it clear that I am doing this for Bubbles and I say this as someone who doesn’t even like Bubbles.’

  The vet arrived within seven minutes, heading straight for the alleyway and the back yard. The snake wrangler turned up not long after – luckily he travelled with a ladder, which cut down on the fence climbing. It was quite a busy scene in Mr Parker’s yard and when Ruby heard the latch click on the back-yard gate she ran for all she was worth up the ladder and over the front fence, out onto Cedarwood Drive and up her own front steps and in the front door. She would rather not be Parker-side when her neighbour discovered the drama.

  She arrived back in the Green-Wood house kitchen gasping to catch her breath.

  Mrs Digby continued slicing potatoes.

  ‘Can I expect a knock at the door?’ she said.

  Ruby did her best to adopt an innocent expression, though she was unable to puff out a word.

  There was a heavy thud thud at the door, followed by an angry tirade.

  Mrs Digby put down her knife. ‘I wonder who that can be,’ she said, her eyes fixing on Ruby. She picked up her broom and off she went in the direction of the front door.

  Del, by now, had crept down from the roof and joined Ruby in the kitchen and the two of them stood by the door and listened.

  ‘Well, howdy Mr Parker, what can I do for you today?’

  ‘I’m not here to exchange niceties,’ snarled Mr Parker.

  ‘Well, blow me down, that is a surprise,’ retorted Mrs Digby, sounding not in the least surprised. ‘Now state your business or I’ll sweep you off my stoop with this broom.’

  ‘My yard is crawling with vets and snake wranglers and it’s all that girl’s fault.’

  ‘I suppose you mean Ruby?’

  ‘Don’t play the innocent with me. Pest Control said a girl called them. She’s been in my yard again. Are you saying you’re not concerned about that? The girl is a criminal. Property boundaries mean nothing to her.’

  Ruby looked at Del, rolled her eyes and shrugged before walking out to face the old man.

  ‘Hello Mr Parker, what can I do for you?’ she said.

  ‘You can stop trespassing on my property!’ shouted Mr Parker.

  Mrs Digby – who was standing between them, arms folded, broom in hand – said, ‘What’s this about snakes?’

  ‘Mr Parker has a nest of vipers under his house,’ said Ruby. ‘One of them got Bubbles.’

  Mrs Digby shivered. Snakes were one of God’s creatures she wished had never made it onto that ark.

  ‘If this is true Mr Parker, and I see no reason in tarnation to doubt that it is, then why are you cluttering my doorstep and wasting my valuable time with your pointless griping?’ Mr Parker opened his mouth to continue griping, but Mrs Digby wasn’t finished. ‘I am sure it is an offence to harbour dangerous reptiles under your property and so it seems to me like you should be shaking this child by the hand and thanking her for not turning you in.’

  ‘She had no right to be on my property in the first place,’ snarled Mr Parker.

  ‘Well, that I can’t argue with,’ said Mrs Digby, ‘but that aside, answer me this: where would your dog be now if she hadn’t a been?’ Mr Parker looked lost for words, but Mrs Digby wasn’t. ‘Somewhere in dog purgatory, if I know Bubbles.’

  ‘Yes, but trespassing on my property!’ said Mr Parker. ‘That girl needs to learn to respect her—’

  Mrs Digby stepped forward, raising her broom. ‘Well this is Redfort property,’ she said. ‘So I suggest you remove your ungrateful behind before I sweep you off it.’

  For a moment, Mr Parker eyed the broom. Then he glared at Ruby. ‘This isn’t over,’ he said. ‘Trespass is illegal. It’s the principle of the thing. You, girl, are a delinquent! A degenerate!’

  Ruby had had enough. ‘Yeah?’ she said. ‘Well, you’re a small-minded jackass who should stick his principles where the sun don’t shine. And you know what else? You can …’

  She told him what else and then some. Most of it did not bear repeating.

  ‘Hey Ruby,’ called a small lispy voice.

  Quent Humbert had appeared on the pathway behind Mr Parker. As the old grouch stormed off, shouting back at Ruby as he went, Quent was almost knocked off his feet and into the bamboo.

  ‘Quent?’ she said.

  ‘Hey Ruby, how are you?’ said Quent. You could be forgiven for thinking the previous minute’s confrontation hadn’t happened.

  ‘Oh you know, fine Quent, I was just talking to that nice neighbour of mine about the reptile infestation under his house which is about to poison the entire neighbourhood starting with his own dog.’

  Quent nodded. ‘I’m glad he’s not my neighbour, he’s kind of grouchy.’ Then Quent stuck his hand in his jacket pocket and rummaged around for a few seconds before pulling out a small book which had a picture of a mouse on the front. The mouse was holding a camera and in the camera flash was written the word Autographs. He handed it to Ruby.

  ‘What, you want my autograph?’ she said.

  ‘I already got it,’ said Quent, ‘but I was hoping you could take my book to the Explorer awards and get as many signatures as possible. My dad told me you were going. I wish I was, but I’m not, I can’t, there aren’t any more tickets.’

  ‘Look Quent, I’d like to help out but it might be kinda frenzied, you know, trying to get signatures and all.’

  Might be kinda dorky too, was what she was thinking.

  Quent looked like he was going to have a lower-lip tremble. Plus Mrs Digby gave a meaningful sniff before turning and going back into the house.

  Ruby sighed. ‘Hey, I tell you what, you hold on to it for now and I promise I’ll take it on the night. I’ll do my best, OK?’

  ‘Thanks Ruby, it would be unbelievably super if you could.’

  ‘Like I said, I’ll do my best.’

  ‘So my mom said you’re not coming out tonight?’

  ‘Why would I be coming out tonight?’ asked Ruby.

  ‘For a family dinner,’ said Quent. ‘I hoped you’d be able to come, but your mom said you had a big basketball tournament.’

  ‘That’s true, I did have a big basketball tournament.’

  ‘So why are you here?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘It was cut short,’ explained Ruby.

  ‘What happened?’

  ‘We lost.’

  ‘Great, so now you can come?’ said Quent hopefully.

  ‘Sorry to disappoint you know, Quent, but as you can see I’m all tied up with community stuff.’<
br />
  ‘Too bad,’ said Quent. ‘Another time.’

  ‘Not if I see you first,’ said Ruby.

  He smiled. ‘You’re funny Ruby.’

  Ruby walked back inside.

  ‘Boy, that kid has some issues,’ said Del.

  ‘Talking of issues,’ said Ruby, ‘are you short sighted or something?’

  ‘How do you mean?’ asked Del.

  ‘You were supposed to be looking out!’

  ‘I was looking out, but what was I meant to do? Shout “Ruby get the heck outta there, the old trout is on his way”? I mean, that would have been kinda obviously giving the game away, wouldn’t it?’

  ‘Have you ever heard of sound signals?’ said Ruby. ‘A hoot, a whistle?’

  ‘You want me to hoot like an owl?’ said Del. ‘How suspicious is that in the middle of the day? Owls are night birds.’

  ‘Well, it’s no great surprise you’re not a secret agent.’

  ‘Yeah, well as far as I heard neither are you,’ said Del.

  RUBY WASN’T SURE WHAT VIEW HER PARENTS WOULD TAKE ON THE MR PARKER INCIDENT, not after her mom had taken the call from Mrs Boyce informing her about the Five Aces dumpster episode, gossip, which had travelled down from the biggest mouth of them all, Mr Chester. Mrs Digby had warned Ruby that the ‘cat was out of the bag’ and that Ruby should ‘brace herself for a truck of trouble’.

  ‘How do you know?’ asked Ruby.

  ‘Your mother phoned me from work – asked me if I was aware.’

  ‘What did you say?’ asked Ruby.

  ‘I said I don’t waste my time listening to tittle-tattle,’ said Mrs Digby.

  ‘She hasn’t just heard about what just happened with Mr Parker, has she?’ said Ruby.

  ‘One crime at a time,’ said Mrs Digby.

  ‘Maybe I’ll have an early night,’ said Ruby.

  ‘That’s why your mother was calling – she wants you to meet at the restaurant.’

  ‘What restaurant?’

  ‘Cipriani’s, you’re having a family supper.’

  ‘What?’ said Ruby. ‘Tell me Quent will not be there …’