Pick Your Poison

by Lauren Child

  ‘You went in the car.’

  ‘Yeah but that’s not being arrested; going in the car doesn’t mean arrested.’

  ‘Did he put the lights on?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘Why would he put the lights on, Clance? What possible reason would there be to put the lights on?’

  ‘I thought you said you had a nosebleed?’

  ‘What, are you outta your skull?’ said Ruby. ‘No one puts flashing lights on for a nosebleed.’

  ‘So what did the bottle look like anyway?’

  ‘Just a glass soda bottle with a sort of twisty glass shape and that cartoon kid.’

  ‘Did you keep it?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘Why would I keep it?’ asked Ruby. ‘I just got socked in the nose. I wasn’t exactly in the mood to bring home somebody else’s trash. Plus I was being escorted away by Sheriff Bridges. What was I going to say? “Excuse me while I take this empty bottle out of the garbage”?’

  ‘Yeah, and I guess your folks woulda hated that, on top of all the other delinquent stuff you’d just done,’ said Clancy. ‘My dad would probably have made me join the foreign legion or something. He would not have taken well to the embarrassment of a son getting arrested.’

  ‘How many times do I have to say I wasn’t arrested?’

  The bus came and Ruby and Archie boarded and headed back to the Lemon house, while Clancy went in search of Mrs Redfort’s lost property.

  Forty minutes later, Clancy was breathless and ringing on the Redfort’s front door. He handed over a plastic carrier bag containing Mrs Redfort’s evening gown belt.

  ‘Good going Clance, I owe you one,’ said Ruby.

  ‘No sweat,’ said Clancy. ‘I gotta split, let me know if you’re right, OK?’

  ‘You’ll be the first to know,’ said Ruby, ‘and if not then at least the second or possibly third.’

  HITCH WAS IN HIS APARTMENT FIXING SOMETHING TOO SMALL TO SEE. Ruby thought it was probably some piece of Spectrum gadgetry, and that reminded her about the camera and Clancy’s behavioural science project. She had promised to at least try and acquire a small video camera from the Spectrum gadget room for Clancy, but exactly when was she going to get around to doing that?

  It was hardly top of her agenda, though she hated to let Clancy down.

  Hitch took off his magnifying eyewear when Ruby entered the room, and sat back in his chair.

  ‘What is it kid, something happen?’

  ‘I’ve been sorta wondering if perhaps it wasn’t an oyster.’

  Hitch took a second or two and then his brain caught up.

  ‘… That poisoned your mother?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because of the mucus – oysters are basically all mouth, gills and mucus – anyway, I told her how bivalves eat, and that put her right off. You know about how oysters eat?’

  ‘No, but I think I might be coming around to your mom’s point of view.’

  ‘So I think it’s highly probable she didn’t eat one like she said from the beginning, and if I’m right then something else must have poisoned her.’

  ‘So what are you suggesting? Another food stuff caused her to wind up in the ER?’

  ‘I think it might have been her dress.’

  ‘Her dress?’

  ‘Yes, her dress.’

  ‘Kid, I am actually not following.’

  ‘Something toxic could have been on her dress, soaked into the fabric, an accident probably, but, I mean, I think that could be what happened.’

  She repeated what she had explained to Clancy, and Hitch took his time before asking, ‘Kid, you know how unlikely this sounds?’

  ‘Yes,’ agreed Ruby.

  ‘Where is this dress?’ asked Hitch.

  ‘It’s gone,’ said Ruby.

  ‘So we can’t prove your theory?’

  ‘Maybe we can,’ said Ruby. She explained about the lost property, the belt, the chance that it might be able to prove her hypothesis.

  ‘And you have this belt?’

  Ruby held up the bag containing the red belt.

  ‘OK,’ said Hitch, ‘if you feel there’s a chance you’re right, let’s ask SJ to check it out.’

  ‘You’re taking me seriously?’

  ‘Don’t I always?’ said Hitch.

  ‘Not always,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Well, kid, I’m taking you seriously now.’

  ‘If my parents find out I’m out and about without the Lemon they are going to give me major grief. That kid’s my cover.’

  ‘Redfort, I’m your cover,’ replied Hitch.

  They drove at some speed to the Dime a Dozen in Hitch’s silver convertible. As they drove, Hitch called SJ, the Spectrum lab technician, and filled her in.

  They reached the Dime a Dozen convenience store, stepped through the flyspray shelves and into HQ.

  SJ was waiting for them, protective gloves on.

  First of all she sniffed the red silk belt and then she carried out various tests in her lab.

  Once she was satisfied, she took off her gloves. ‘Yep,’ she said, ‘that’s methanol all right. It’s largely evaporated of course, but if your mother’s dress was soaked in this stuff too then I would guess she is lucky she drank so many cocktails.’

  ‘Was it deliberate?’ asked Ruby. ‘The methanol, I mean.’

  ‘I’d say so,’ replied SJ. ‘It would be a pretty weird accident, wouldn’t you think?’

  Hitch, who was standing behind Ruby, was trying to silently mouth something to SJ and making a sort of cutting motion with his hand as if to say ‘stop talking’, but SJ wasn’t reading this and instead was making it abundantly clear that she was marking this incident up as attempted murder. ‘So now we know how your mother was poisoned,’ she said, ‘though it won’t answer the bigger question of why someone might want to poison her.’

  Ruby was feeling a little weak at that particular moment: sometimes being right about a thing did not lead you to a place of tranquil satisfaction. Why would someone want her mother dead?

  Hitch looked at his watch. ‘Look kid, you need to get going. I have you covered until six but your parents are going to think you have gone AWOL if you don’t make it home by dinner.’

  ‘I’m going,’ nodded Ruby as she turned to leave, ‘but what if someone isn’t satisfied with almost poisoning my mother to death? What if they try again?’

  ‘Kid, don’t you worry about your mother, I got that covered. I have someone watching her, just a precaution.’

  ‘I hadn’t noticed,’ said Ruby.

  Hitch looked heavenwards. ‘He’s a professional, you’re not meant to notice.’

  ‘Oh right,’ said Ruby.

  ‘So scram,’ said Hitch.

  Ruby called Clancy as soon as she made it home and it didn’t take Clancy long before he was ringing the Redforts’ doorbell. Ruby could hear the exchange between her father and her best friend.

  ‘How nice to see you Clancy.’

  ‘Thank you?’

  ‘So I see the wind is still raging out there.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Do you think it will ever stop?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘So your father must be excited about the trip to Washington?’

  ‘Yes, he is.’

  ‘Are you excited?’

  Pause.

  ‘I guess.’

  ‘How’s your mother?’

  ‘OK, she’s had a new haircut.’

  ‘Hair is important if you’re married to an ambassador.’

  ‘I guess.’

  ‘How’s school these days?’

  ‘OK.’

  ‘That’s swell to hear Clancy, a kid’s school days are the best of one’s life, you should enjoy them.’

  A pause and then, ‘I’m depressed to hear that sir.’

  ‘So I guess you’re here to see Ruby.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Well, don’t let me keep you.’

  ‘Thank you.’


  Sound of footsteps racing up the stairs.

  Door flinging open.

  ‘Boy, do you not know how to sidestep my dad.’

  ‘He’s a tricky customer,’ said Clancy. ‘He actually kind of hypnotises me.’

  ‘Just don’t look into his eyes,’ said Ruby, ‘or listen. You gotta imagine you are very busy and you just smile and say something like “great to see you” and keep moving, never stop, that’s the secret.’

  ‘Got it,’ said Clancy. ‘So were you right?’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Ruby, ‘my mom was poisoned and I know by what.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Her dress was soaked with methanol. Just like I thought.’

  ‘I don’t get it, how did poison get in her dress?’

  ‘Someone put it there.’

  ‘Why is everyone always trying to kill your mom?’ said Clancy.

  ‘Everyone isn’t always trying to kill her, it’s only happened twice before.’

  ‘That’s quite a lot you know,’ said Clancy.

  ‘Yes, but that first time really had nothing to do with her, not really, it was only because Nine Lives Capaldi mistook her for some kind of security genius.’

  ‘Wouldn’t have made her any less dead if Nine Lives had been a more successful assassin.’

  ‘That, my friend, is certainly true,’ sighed Ruby.

  ‘So do you think whoever tried it on this time is going to have another go?’

  Ruby pondered this dark thought for a minute before replying, ‘I really don’t know.’

  ‘This isn’t good,’ said Clancy. ‘I mean what does Hitch think?’

  ‘I think at this exact nanosecond he doesn’t consider she is in too much danger. She’s sitting downstairs eating nachos and watching Take A Minute with my dad.’

  ‘What is it with Take A Minute?’ said Clancy. Take A Minute was a dilemma show where celebrity guests had to make tricky decisions. ‘This? Or this?’ is what the compere would ask, and then he would say, ‘Take a minute.’

  ‘I know,’ agreed Ruby, ‘pretty lame show, huh?’

  ‘So why would they target your mom?’ said Clancy. ‘These poison-dress assassins?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Ruby. ‘I guess I’m going to have to take a minute.’

  He opened the door …

  … to find the woman from City Nurseries on the stoop. She was holding a large green box.

  ‘That’s it?’ he asked.

  She looked at her clipboard. ‘You ordered a wolfsbane specimen?’

  ‘That’s right,’ said the man.

  ‘You do know how dangerous these plants are?’ said the woman. ‘You must wear gloves at all times. If the poison from the leaves gets onto your hands, you’ll need to call 911. It works transdermally, and it’s quick.’

  ‘Oh don’t worry,’ he said, ‘no one will be calling 911.’

  CLANCY WAS OUT OF BREATH WHEN HE ARRIVED AT SCHOOL – he was cutting it fine, the bell about to go.

  ‘What’s got you all animated?’ said Ruby, stuffing her gym bag into her locker.

  ‘So you know how your hunch was correct about your mom’s dress being saturated in poison?’

  ‘You think I’m likely to forget?’ said Ruby.

  ‘And it worries you, right?’ said Clancy.

  ‘Sure it worries me, someone is trying to kill my mom, bozo.’

  ‘But why would anyone want to kill your mom?’ said Clancy. He had a weird look on his face like he was trying to get her to see something he could see already.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Ruby, ‘because she wears nice clothes, runs the Twinford charity committee … I mean, why would anyone want my mom dead?’

  ‘So maybe they didn’t,’ said Clancy. ‘Maybe it was an accident.’

  ‘You’re saying someone accidentally got a poison substance into the fibres of her dress?’

  Now Clancy was looking at her like she had lost a marble or two. ‘No, duh brain, what I’m saying is that part was not the accident, the accident was your mom putting on the dress in the first place.’

  ‘I hate to admit this, but I have no idea what you are saying.’

  Clancy unzipped his backpack and pulled out a large brown envelope. He slid out a colour photograph: it was of him, his father, the mayor and a tall woman in a red dress with a yellow snake coiled around her arm. The tall woman was Amarjargel Oidov, and the dress she was wearing was exactly the same as the one her mother had worn, only it was a good deal shorter and a good deal tighter.

  ‘This was taken that night after Amarjargel Oidov had won the Explorer Award.’

  Clancy looked at her.

  Ruby’s face went from complete bafflement to total understanding. The photo in the newspaper! She had known there was something about it, but it had been in black and white, and had also only shown the people from the waist up – which was why Ruby hadn’t made the connection. Now she saw the scene in full colour – it was staring her right in the face.

  ‘Amarjargel Oidov is wearing the same red dress,’ she said.

  ‘Exactly,’ said Clancy.

  ‘But it’s shorter than my mom’s dress,’ said Ruby. ‘It doesn’t fit right.’

  ‘Exactly,’ said Clancy.

  ‘Because it’s not her dress,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Exactly,’ said Clancy.

  Ruby remembered her mother complaining about the cocktail crime scene – how she and one of the honoured guests had been wearing the same gown.

  ‘So no one wanted my mother dead. They wanted Amarjargel Oidov dead.’

  ‘I would guess so.’

  ‘Clance, for the second time, you’re a genius.’

  ‘Or maybe you’re a numbskull,’ said Clancy.

  ‘Whatever,’ said Ruby, ‘the big question is: where is Amarjargel Oidov?’

  There was a knock

  at the door of room 21 …

  … Amarjargel Oidov supposed it would be room service. She was looking forward to her cup of English Breakfast tea. However, when she opened the door, instead of a person with a teapot on a tray she was greeted by a pleasant-looking man holding a bunch of flowers. He was smartly dressed in a green florist’s apron and was wearing white gloves. The gloves seemed odd somehow; they didn’t go with the gardener’s apron.

  ‘Amarjargel Oidov?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes, that’s me,’ she said smiling.

  ‘Flowers for you,’ he said.

  ‘How beautiful,’ she said touching the unusual purple blooms.

  ‘You should smell them,’ said the florist, ‘really breathe in that scent.’

  She smiled at him. He had a nice face, sweet looking.

  ‘Who sent them? I had no idea anyone knew where I was staying.’

  ‘The card’s in there somewhere,’ said the man. ‘It might have slipped down between the stems. If you feel around for it, I’m sure you’ll find it.’ He turned to go. ‘Enjoy!’ he called as he walked back along the corridor.

  RUBY PRESSED THE EMERGENCY CONTACT DEVICE ON HER WATCH and waited for Hitch to pick up the distress call.

  HITCH: ‘Kid? You in trouble?’

  RUBY: ‘You gotta find the snake woman.’

  HITCH: ‘Sorry?’

  RUBY: ‘Amarjargel Oidov, she’s the one.’

  HITCH: ‘The one what?’

  RUBY: ‘The one they were trying to kill.’

  HITCH: ‘You know this?’

  RUBY: ‘If I’m wrong, I’ll eat my sneakers.’

  She could hear Hitch feeding the information back to Froghorn and then Froghorn’s reply, distant but clear: ‘She was staying at the Twinford Grand but she checked out yesterday morning.’

  ‘So call every single hotel in this city until you find her,’ said Hitch.

  There was the sound of phones being dialled and agents’ voices as the whole Spectrum 8 team was mobilised.

  ‘Nice work kid,’ said Hitch.

  The line went dead.

  An hour later, while Ruby sat in her biol
ogy class watching caterpillars inch around a large glass jar, a team of agents and police, medics among them, were running down corridors and jumping in cars.

  ‘Ruby you seem distracted?’ said Mrs Greg.

  ‘Sorry ma’am, I’m just wrestling with the big question,’ she said.

  ‘The meaning of life?’ asked the teacher.

  ‘That kind of thing,’ said Ruby.

  One car pulled up in front of the boutique hotel just across from the zoo.

  One man and one woman jumped out and ran into the building.

  ‘Could you contact the guest in room 21?’ said the man to the concierge.

  The phone rang but there was no reply.

  ‘Could you unlock her room for me?’ said the man.

  ‘I’m afraid not,’ said the concierge.

  The woman flashed a police badge and the concierge nodded.

  ‘Right away.’

  Ruby pretended to watch the caterpillar chomp through a small green leaf, but though her eyes were trained on it, her thoughts were elsewhere.

  The lock turned and the man, the policewoman and the concierge entered the hotel room.

  What they found was a dark-haired woman lying on the floor. Grasped in her hand was a flower. She appeared to be unconscious.

  ‘Be careful,’ said the man, ‘it’s highly likely she has been poisoned.’

  The policewoman spoke into her radio device.

  The medical team arrived on the scene, but the woman could not be brought round.

  Amarjargel Oidov was carried out.

  Ruby stared at the creature in the jar.

  A message flashed up on her watch.

  >> AO ALIVE.

  And then,

  >> CONDITION CRITICAL.

  And finally:

  >> POISONED.

  BEYOND THOSE FEW WORDS THERE WAS NO NEWS, not a bleep from her watch, not a crackle from her fly barrette. It was full-on radio silence. She sent a message but what came back from Spectrum was a wait for briefing symbol, i.e. don’t call us, we’ll call you.

  When the school bell rang, Ruby grabbed her coat and caught the first bus home, not even a minute of locker-side chat. She was anxious to know what was happening with the snake woman. Had Spectrum made any progress figuring out who the poisoner was, and in a way more importantly, why this conservationist had been the victim of attempted murder? Just what was it that made her a target? Were the snakes with their fluorescent skin valuable to someone?