Pick Your Poison

by Lauren Child

  When Ruby arrived home the first thing she did was check to see if Hitch was in his apartment: he wasn’t. She was not surprised. There was a poisoning maniac loose in the city – it would be strange if Hitch was sitting at home twiddling his thumbs.

  She walked back upstairs. She could hear the radio playing in the kitchen. It was tuned to Chime Melody. The music stopped and the top-of-the-hour news broke in:

  NEWS TODAY ON THE HOUR EVERY HOUR, THIS IS JUDD JERRAD TELLING IT LIKE IT IS. TODAY, THE PRESIDENT GETS BEHIND THE MARS SPACE PROGRAM. WILL WE SOON BE WELCOMING LITTLE GREEN MEN TO OUR PLANET? ARE TEMPERATURES RISING IN THE ARCTIC AND WHAT WILL IT MEAN FOR PENGUINS?

  It’s polar bears, you dufus. Jeepers where do they find these clowns? thought Ruby.

  A JAILHOUSE FOOD FIGHT PROVIDES COVER FOR A BOLD ESCAPE, AND THE WARDEN IS LEFT WITH EGG ON HIS FACE.

  Really, this is the best you can come up with Judd?

  EXPLORER-AWARD-WINNER AND SNAKE PROTECTOR, AMARJARGEL OIDOV, FOUND POISONED IN A HOTEL ROOM. WE ASK, WAS SHE BITTEN BY HER OWN DISCOVERY? AND FINALLY, A FIRE AT A TWINFORD HAIR SALON. DID SOMEONE FORGET TO UNPLUG THE HEATED ROLLERS?

  The Chime Melody news was light when it came to information – and facts, come to that.

  ‘Hey Ruby, is that you?’

  ‘Yeah Mom, I’m home,’ she replied, but kept walking, ‘just going up to my room, I have a ton of homework.’

  ‘I don’t know how you fit all that learning into your brain,’ called her mother. ‘I swear I don’t remember a thing from my school days.’

  Ruby walked into her room and closed the door behind her. There was a post-it note stuck to the top of her desk, obvious enough for her to find but not so obvious that anyone would know what it meant.

  There was a drawing of a fly buzzing around an apple, and on the apple, making up the stalk and leaf, was the number 155.

  The message was from Hitch, and Ruby knew exactly what he was trying to say. She pulled Pick Your Poison from the shelf and turned to page 155.

  ‘Wolfsbane, also known as monkshood {aconitum} is a flowering plant found mostly in mountainous regions of the northern hemisphere. The roots and leaves contain the alkaloid pseudaconitine, a deadly poison. Once swallowed or absorbed through the skin, this substance can kill within hours, or instantaneously in the case of large doses. Cases have been recorded of fatalities due to handling the plant without gloves, as the pseudaconitine is very easily absorbed through the skin. The risk of death increases with the amount of the poison ingested or absorbed – milder cases can be treated with drugs or electrical stimulus to counteract the heart arrhythmias caused by the toxin.’

  So Amarjargel Oidov had been lucky once, but this time the poisoner had got his victim. Whether she made it through depended on how much wolfsbane had made it into her system.

  In the kitchen Ruby found Mrs Digby chatting to her mother, who was sitting at the counter reading the newspaper, looking almost like her usual self.

  ‘I hope I’m going to feel fit enough to take that trip next week.’

  ‘What trip?’ said Ruby.

  ‘Oh, hey Ruby,’ said her mother. ‘I was just talking about that trip to Washington, you know the Crews are going and those Explorer Awarders.’

  ‘You mean the environmentalists?’ said Ruby. ‘They’re going too?’

  ‘Yes, those guys,’ said Sabina. ‘I’m actually pretty thrilled to be asked, it’s such a surprise.’ Ruby wasn’t surprised; her parents were invited to everything, why not to the White House?

  ‘Hanging out with the president,’ said Ruby. ‘I’ll guess you’ll be getting all dressed up for that.’

  ‘Well, I should think so,’ said Sabina. ‘It’s a reception at his house. Although I’m going to avoid the canapés and I certainly won’t be buying my dress from Bergwend-Nyle not after the mess they made of those alterations, boy was that ever a pig’s tie.’

  ‘Pig’s ear,’ corrected Ruby.

  ‘That too,’ said her mother.

  Hitch called an hour later. He spoke to Sabina and she listened carefully before saying, ‘You know what, I’m going to trust you on this. If you think it’s a good idea then so do I.’

  She put the phone down and turned to Ruby.

  ‘Hitch wants you to meet him.’

  ‘Where?’ asked Ruby.

  ‘The Dime a Dozen,’ said her mother.

  Hitch wasn’t actually waiting for Ruby in the Dime a Dozen, but then she hadn’t expected him to be. She stepped in behind the flyspray and walked down to Spectrum HQ.

  He was there in the atrium talking to Buzz – when he saw Ruby he pointed to the elevator.

  ‘So what did you say to my mom?’ she asked as they headed to level 4.

  ‘I told her I was going to take you to a self defence class.’

  ‘In the Dime a Dozen?’

  ‘I told her I was picking up some groceries en route.’

  ‘And where are we actually going?’

  ‘To a self defence class, aikido actually, but it’s the same general ballpark. I figure you could use some defence skills, with Baby Face still out there.’

  ‘Thanks,’ said Ruby.

  They stepped out of the elevator. As they walked they talked.

  ‘So any word on the poisoner?’ asked Ruby.

  ‘We think our florist was Baby Face Marshall,’ he said. ‘The bellhop at the hotel gave a pretty good description.’

  ‘But why Marshall?’ asked Ruby. ‘Why would he want to poison a conservationist who’s just looking to protect some rare snakes?’

  ‘As yet we have no idea.’ He sighed. ‘Baby Face, we can be pretty sure, is just some hired hand. He has experience using toxic substances and we can be fairly sure he is also the poisoner who laced your mother’s gown with methanol. But when it comes to why, we are just left guessing. The snakes are valuable of course and their skins alone would fetch large sums of money on the black market, and then there’s the venom,’ he said.

  ‘But killing Amarjargel Oidov isn’t going to get you to the snakes,’ said Ruby. ‘I thought she’d kept their location a secret?’

  ‘She has,’ said Hitch, ‘but we can’t dismiss the possibility that Marshall has somehow got his hands on this information – with her gone, it could be open season on these reptiles.’

  ‘So who do you think Baby Face could be working for?’ said Ruby.

  ‘The sender of the muffins,’ said Hitch. He smiled because it sounded sort of funny, though the situation was far from being any kind of laughing matter. ‘Someone wanted to use his services and they took great pains to get him here, smuggled in some pretty state-of-the-art equipment to bust him out.’

  ‘Yeah, about that,’ said Ruby. ‘Who would Baby Face have to know to get hold of a gadget like that? I mean, we know he’s worked for the Count but even the Count can’t lay his hands on this kind of hardware, can he? I mean, it’s not the basic file in a cake, is it.’

  ‘That, kid, is undoubtedly true,’ replied Hitch.

  They walked in silence for a minute until Ruby asked, ‘Is she gonna be OK, the snake lady?’

  ‘Her chances are 50/50,’ said Hitch. ‘Not such great odds.’

  They were now at the end of a corridor. Hitch opened the door and they walked into a dojo. The walls of the double-height room were Japanese screens which gave the space both light and a certain tranquility. In the centre of the floor was a large mat. There was a small notice on the wall and Ruby had to get close to see what it said.

  Rules of Aikido:

  1. Proper aikido can never be mastered unless one strictly follows the master’s teaching.

  ‘So who’s the aikido master?’

  ‘That would be me,’ said Hitch.

  ‘THOUGH I SHOULD MAKE CLEAR,’ Hitch continued, ‘I didn’t write these rules.’

  ‘That I know,’ said Ruby. ‘They were written by the Aikido Doshu.’ Though she had never actually studied aikido, the rules posted on the wall were familiar to her. Marti
al arts were just another subject Ruby knew a whole lot about.

  2. Aikido as a martial art is perfected by being alert to everything going on around us and leaving no vulnerable opening (suki).

  3. Practice becomes joyful and pleasant once one has trained enough not to be bothered by pain.

  4. Do not be satisfied by what is taught at the dojo. One must constantly digest, experiment and develop what one has learned.

  5. One should never force things unnaturally or unreasonably in practice. One should undertake training suited to one’s body, physical condition and age.

  6. The aim of aikido is to develop the truly human self. It should not be used to display ego.

  ‘That last rule, rule six, might be a good one for you to try and master,’ said Hitch. ‘Go suit up.’

  Ten minutes later they were standing facing each other, each now wearing the traditional martial arts uniform of the gi, white cotton belted jackets with loose pyjama-style bottoms and the hakama sort of skirt-like trousers worn over the top of the gi. Ruby was unsurprised to see that Hitch’s belt was black.

  ‘Aikido,’ began Hitch, ‘is a Japanese martial art created in the 1920s by—’

  ‘Morihei Ueshiba,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Very impressive,’ said Hitch. ‘So you will also know that ‘Morihei Ueshiba believed that in fighting you should harmonise with your opponent rather than try to defeat them through force or power.’

  ‘I’m not sure Vapona Begwell is much into harmony,’ said Ruby.

  Hitch said, ‘Yes, well, that’s kind of the point of the lesson. People sub-divide martial arts into hard and soft. Some believe that striking the first blow is all-important, some that you must continue to strike until you are in no doubt that you have overcome your opponent.’

  ‘If you think someone’s gonna kill you, isn’t that the sane thing to do?’ said Ruby.

  ‘What I am going to teach you, kid, is how to beat your opponent by avoiding their strikes. In aikido, we are working with the idea that only soft can overpower hard. The example is often used of water and rock – water yields to rock and flows around it, but over time it will shape it. You can defeat your aggressor by blending with the motion of the attacker and redirecting the force of their attack rather than opposing it head-on. You can learn how to deal with several attackers all coming at you at once, and train yourself to be alert, not just to what’s happening in front of you, but on all sides, even behind you. Aikido as a martial art is perfected by being alert to everything going on around you so you don’t leave youself vulnerable. Which is basically vital if you are an agent working in the field.’

  And so they began, Ruby learning the key movements that she would practise again and again, until they became instinctual – the various ways to trip and throw and spin people to the ground when they came at you. Half the work was memorising the Japanese names for each move.

  After they had practised for three hours Hitch said, ‘Kid, I think you’re a natural.’

  RUBY HAD BEGUN THE DAY BY LYING IN BED VISUALISING HER AIKIDO MOVES. She already knew them by heart, but what she was striving to do was to think herself into them so they became second nature, part of her.

  Ruby hadn’t really been in the mood for school and the day had dragged, though it had to be said she wasn’t exactly relishing the prospect of what was to come once the school bell rang.

  ‘So look, since you’re grounded and we can’t hang out after class then maybe we can hang out before?’ said Clancy.

  ‘You mean early?’ said Ruby. ‘Super early?’

  ‘I mean when people get up,’ said Clancy.

  ‘But I get up a half hour before school,’ said Ruby. ‘Why would I waste perfectly good sleeping time?’

  ‘I thought you were turning over a new leaf?’ said Clancy.

  Ruby thought about this. ‘OK, that’s true. So where do you want to meet?’

  ‘At the Donut Diner, that way you only have to walk seven minutes around the corner.’

  ‘OK,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Early?’ said Clancy.

  ‘How early?’ asked Ruby.

  ‘6.30?’ said Clancy.

  ‘Too early, make it 6.45,’ said Ruby.

  Clancy looked her in the eye. ‘Who are we kidding? You’re never gonna be there.’

  ‘I will – have a little faith would you,’ said Ruby.

  ‘I’ll try but I doubt it will make any difference.’

  ‘OK, look, here’s what I’ll do,’ said Ruby. ‘If when I’m out taking the Lemon home tonight—’

  ‘What, you’re babysitting again?’

  ‘Yeah, my folks signed me up for ongoing baby duty; they figured it’s the best way to make me suffer, and they’re right,’ said Ruby. ‘So if when I’m out I think there’s a chance I might not make it in time for 6.45, I’ll leave a note in the tree and tell you what time I’ll be there.’

  ‘Why don’t you pick up the telephone?’ said Clancy.

  ‘Because it’s more fun,’ said Ruby, ‘plus you’re doubting me so you deserve to climb a tree.’

  ‘You’re not normal, you know that?’

  ‘And proud of it. Look, I gotta split, but I’m telling you to be there 6.45 and don’t be late unless I write otherwise!’

  Ruby took the bus to Cedarwood Drive and instead of going home walked up the Lemon drive and rang the doorbell.

  Elaine looked very pleased to see her; she was covered in baby food, most of it in her hair.

  ‘I’m having such trouble getting him to eat, Ruby, he’s so picky. I keep making these super-flavoursome meals, but he spits them right out.’

  ‘That’s because little kids can’t handle too much flavour. They have way more taste buds then adults and so the flavours can be too intense for them,’ said Ruby. ‘You have to think bland.’

  ‘Wow Ruby, how do you know so much about babies?’ said Elaine.

  ‘I don’t,’ said Ruby. ‘I know stuff about stuff and this is just something I read about to do with the human tongue. So is he ready to go?’

  ‘Almost,’ said Elaine, who then began pointing out all the various equipment that the baby would need for his two-hour excursion with Ruby.

  ‘Now this is his milky and this is his muslin.’

  ‘What’s it for?’ asked Ruby.

  ‘Oh, that’s for sucking,’ explained Elaine.

  ‘What, that rag? Kinda gross,’ said Ruby. She caught Elaine’s puzzled expression. ‘I mean cute. Super cute.’

  ‘I know,’ Elaine smiled. ‘And this is his cuddly, and this is his baby food and this—’

  ‘You know what Elaine, don’t worry, I’ll figure it out, or he’ll tell me. Let’s go, Lemon.’ And before Elaine could fuss about another thing, Ruby and the stroller rolled out.

  Ruby pushed Archie Lemon up Flaubert Street. He was making strange gurgling sounds and was occupied with the task of trying to stick his foot in his mouth. Ruby peered down at him. ‘Is that a happy sound?’ she asked. He smiled a gap-tooth smile and tried to grab Ruby’s hair. ‘Boy are you ugly Archie.’

  He gurgle-giggled and Ruby resumed her stroller pushing.

  Ruby was finding the minding of baby Lemon boring to say the least and she felt anyone who could string some kind of a sentence together – better still, actually say something interesting – would be preferable company. She considered calling Mouse or Red, but with a baby in tow how much fun was it going to be? If she took him to the Diner he was bound to grizzle and she would most likely end up standing outside on the sidewalk jiggling him. So instead she struck out in the opposite direction.

  Flaubert took her north of her immediate neighbourhood, and if she kept walking she was unlikely to bump into anyone she knew. There was something about pushing a small kid around that made her feel not quite herself and for this reason she didn’t especially want to see anyone from Junior High. She had narrowly missed bumping into Elliot and Del, but they had been so busy chatting they hadn’t seen her.

  It
was as Ruby was pushing the stroller across the street that Archie let go his squirrel bean toy for the sixth time.

  ‘Jeepers Archie, you can’t do that in the middle of a street,’ Ruby chided, ‘you’re gonna get us flattened into pancakes.’

  She reached for the toy and a car honked its horn at her. ‘What do you expect me to do, man?’ she shouted. ‘I have to grab this squirrel, don’t I?’

  She scooped it up and stuffed it in her pocket and was about to continue on her way when something made her freeze right where she was in the middle of the road.

  What she saw was a young man in a bright red woollen hat looking up at the giant billboard attached to the old piano factory. Ruby followed his gaze. The billboard was an advertisment for Taste Twisters, widely advertised but not so easy to get a hold of it seemed. In fact, apart from the one empty bottle she’d seen roll out of the garbage can, not available anywhere as far as Ruby could tell. But today it wasn’t the ad that Ruby was struck by – it was the way the man was gazing at it. Not just reading it, but searching it, like he was trying to figure something out. A horn tooted, and the driver shouted, ‘Hey, kid! Are you crossing or what?’

  Ruby began hurriedly pushing the stroller across the street and bumped it back onto the sidewalk, all the while keeping the man in her sights. He didn’t notice her; he was just staring up at the billboard. Ruby yanked at the hood on her parka, pulling it close around her face, and zipped the coat so only her eyes and nose were visible. The man in the hat was still stood there staring intently.

  Ruby bent down and pretended to adjust the straps that held Archie in his seat.

  ‘What is he seeing?’ she whispered. Archie blinked.

  Ruby watched as this man pulled a small book – a notebook or diary perhaps – from his jacket pocket, took out a pen, wrote something, looked at it, wrote something else and then took out another book and began flicking through it. If the book had a title then Ruby couldn’t read it – her eyesight was not up to that. Quite suddenly, the man stuffed the book back into his jacket, turned and began walking at speed in the other direction.