Pick Your Poison

by Lauren Child

  ‘Oh Quent, that’s a real shame because you know, well the thing is … I’m out.’

  Long pause.

  ‘But I just phoned you on your home phone and you are talking to me, how can you be out?’

  ‘Ah well, what I meant by “out” was I’m about to be out, as in, I have my coat on and I’m headed to the door.’

  ‘Oh that’s great, I was going to ask you if you wanted to come out – I’ll meet you there.’

  ‘Where?’

  ‘At your door.’

  ‘Quent, where are you exactly?’

  ‘I’m at the phone booth across from your house.’

  Oh brother.

  ‘See you in a minute Ruby.’

  ‘It looks likely Quent.’

  She hung up. ‘It would seem we’re going out, Lemon.’ She manoeuvred the baby into his snuggle suit, which wasn’t easy because he grabbed a fist full of her hair and wouldn’t let go.

  ‘You know that really hurts Lemon!’ It took her a minute to free herself, and when she had, she popped him in his stroller.

  She opened the door and there was Quent Humbert, waiting for her.

  ‘Hey Ruby, how are you?’

  ‘Since one minute ago, I’m still fine,’ said Ruby. ‘Now look, you can walk with me as far as the Double Donut, but then I’m gonna have to lose you, I have a meeting, you see.’

  ‘Sure,’ said Quent. ‘I don’t mind.’

  Quent talked non-stop the whole way there.

  QUENT: ‘So Del has asked me if I would join in with your Halloween idea.’

  RUBY: ‘She did?’

  QUENT: ‘She didn’t tell you?’

  RUBY: ‘No, she did not.’

  QUENT: ‘That’s funny.’

  RUBY: ‘Ha ha.’

  QUENT: ‘No, I meant funny peculiar.’

  RUBY: ‘It’s peculiar all right.’

  QUENT: ‘Can you guess what she had in mind?’

  RUBY: ‘Revenge?’

  QUENT: ‘I mean what costume – for me, I mean?’

  RUBY: ‘I reckon she’s gonna have your head tucked under her arm.’

  QUENT: ‘Hey, how did you guess?’

  RUBY: ‘She likes to get people in headlocks.’

  Quent looked slightly baffled.

  QUENT: ‘So who are you gonna be?’

  RUBY: ‘The ghost of friendship past.’

  QUENT: ‘Is there a ghost of friendship past living in Mortis Square?’

  RUBY: ‘No.’

  QUENT: ‘So where do you come in?’

  RUBY: ‘Exactly.’

  Quent was looking puzzled again. By now they were almost opposite the Double Donut.

  ‘Don’t worry about it,’ said Ruby, parking the stroller. ‘Look, could you mind the baby for a minute while I go in search of some Hubble-Yum, I’m feeling the need. It helps with stress.’

  ‘What if he cries?’ asked Quent.

  ‘Here,’ said Ruby, taking off the Escape Watch, ‘this timepiece has a function for that.’ She handed the Bradley Baker heirloom to the Lemon and he put it in his mouth.

  ‘I won’t be a minute,’ she said.

  Clancy was sitting in the Diner in one of the window booths.

  Rain had just begun to drizzle down and those who had umbrellas were flipping them open and those who didn’t were quickening their pace. Heavy rain was predicted and now anyone who had been lucky enough to hear the forecast was taking cover. Clancy heard the jangle of the bell as the Diner door opened and closed, opened and closed. But still no Ruby.

  Clancy looked at his watch – it had been thirty-eight minutes and he was beginning to worry.

  ‘Hey,’ said a voice behind him.

  Clancy turned. It was Elliot; in one hand was his ukulele and in the other his skateboard.

  ‘Oh hey, Elliot.’

  ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘Looking out of the window,’ said Clancy.

  ‘Yeah, that I can see, what are you looking out for?’

  ‘Ruby,’ said Clancy. ‘You seen her?’

  ‘No,’ said Elliot. He placed his skateboard on the table, ukulele on the bench and slid into the seat next to Clancy. ‘I’ll keep you company until my dad comes. I’ve got the jitters because I got my ukulele exam in an hour.’

  Clancy wasn’t listening.

  Marla shouted from across the Diner. ‘Get that piece of wood and wheels off my table, or else go stand out in the rain, makes no difference to me, cookie.’

  ‘Boy, she never misses a thing, huh?’ said Elliot, setting the board on the floor.

  ‘So Del’s really mad at old Ruby, I wouldn’t be surprised if she never speaks to her again.’

  ‘Yeah, well, if that’s so then Del’s an idiot,’ said Clancy.

  ‘You don’t think Ruby did it?’ said Elliot.

  ‘Do you?’

  Elliot shook his head. ‘No way in ever,’ he said.

  Clancy was still staring out of the window.

  ‘Why you so desperate to see her anyway?’ said Elliot picking up the menu like he needed reminding of what might be on it. He really didn’t; he knew that menu back to front and upside down.

  ‘I might have the eggs,’ he said.

  Clancy was busy thinking. If only she had picked up, if only I knew she had actually listened to my message, if only she could be punctual for once … why can she never be on time?

  He looked out of the window. Still no Ruby.

  If he went in search of her, he was bound to miss her. It was a classic mistake that people made in movie thrillers – they always gave up waiting and this always led to trouble. So instead he just checked his watch and stared out to the street.

  All the time drumming his fingers on the windowsill.

  ‘Probably that baby,’ said Elliot.

  ‘What?’ said Clancy.

  ‘That baby Orange holding her up.’

  ‘Baby Lemon,’ corrected Clancy. Elliot is right, baby Lemon probably needed a diaper change or something.

  ‘There she is!’ said Elliot.

  Clancy exhaled as he saw Ruby walking towards the pedestrian crossing on the other side of the street, parka zipped, hands in pockets (no umbrella). There was no sign of the baby.

  ‘She musta left the Lemon at home,’ said Clancy. ‘That’s good.’

  ‘Maybe she left him on the bus,’ said Elliot. ‘It happened to my aunt once. She left my cousin Nerris on the bus, and walked two blocks before she realised.’

  A huge red truck drew up, windshield wipers going like crazy, its arrival masked Clancy’s view of Ruby and he waited for her to appear from behind it, only she was taking her time about it.

  ‘So what happened?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘She basically panicked,’ said Elliot.

  ‘How did she find Nerris?’

  ‘She called the bus depot and there he was,’ said Elliot.

  Clancy watched as the truck finally pulled away. There were plenty of people hurrying by, only thing was, there was no Ruby.

  ‘Where’s she gone?’ said Clancy. ‘What just happened?’ He was standing now, his arms beginning to flap. ‘I gotta go.’ He started towards the door. ‘Actually I gotta borrow this,’ he said running back to the table, grabbing Elliot’s skateboard and dashing out into the rain.

  ‘If it means so much to you,’ called Elliot. ‘YOU KNOW YOU’RE ACTING WEIRD!’ was the last thing Clancy heard Elliot shout as the door closed behind him.

  RUBY SAUNTERED OUT OF THE CONVENIENCE STORE and over to where Quent was sheltering with baby Archie.

  ‘He’s really cute,’ said Quent.

  ‘That’s debatable, but thanks for watching him,’ said Ruby.

  ‘By the way, I just saw your friend Clancy. He was on a skateboard, going real fast too.’

  ‘You have to be kidding, which way did he go?’ said Ruby, looking in every direction.

  ‘North,’ said Quent.

  ‘Darn it! He’s probably mad at me because I’m late. He’s a st
ickler for punctuality. I gotta split,’ said Ruby and she ran, stroller and all, north up Amster.

  She spotted him as he was about to step onto a bus.

  ‘Clancy!’ she screamed. ‘Where the Sam Hill are you going?’

  He was a good way ahead, but he heard her and turned, his expression changing from high anxiety, to extreme relief and then sort of to full-on fury. He began striding back towards her.

  ‘Where were you?’ he shouted. ‘Why can you never be anywhere when you say you will?’

  ‘What’s the big deal here?’ said Ruby.

  ‘What’s the big deal? What’s the big deal! The big deal here, bozo, is I’m trying to save your life!’

  ‘Be careful who you call bozo, bozo!’ shouted Ruby. ‘And what do you mean “save my life”? Forty-seven minutes ago you were going to tell me how you knew it wasn’t me who stole Bugwart’s stupid school project. Did I miss something?’

  ‘Yeah a lot actually!’ shouted Clancy, his voice even louder. Passers-by were giving them both a wide berth, some of them even choosing to cross the road. ‘Turns out the person who set you up for that little crime is your pal Sal.’

  ‘Sal isn’t my pal!’ shouted Ruby. ‘Sal is Del’s pal, and why would a pal of Del’s want to set me up?’

  ‘Because Sal isn’t Sal!’ shouted Clancy.

  ‘OH YEAH?’ shouted Ruby. ‘And if Sal isn’t Sal, then who is Sal?’

  ‘Sal …’ said Clancy, stalling for a moment, aware of how crazy it was going to sound, ‘I mean, call it a hunch, but I’d stake my life on it … Sal,’ he repeated, ‘is your old friendly maniac, Lorelei von Leyden!’

  Silence.

  ‘Ruby?’

  Ruby couldn’t say anything; her throat had gone very dry.

  ‘Ruby,’ said Clancy, his voice almost whispering now, ‘are you OK?’

  ‘It’s just I know you’re right. It all fits. Lorelei von Leyden escaped from a maxium security facility two weeks ago, Sal arrived a week later, and if that isn’t enough, I happen to know she’s not too crazy about me.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I’m number one on her list of least likely to live.’

  ‘She has a list?’ said Clancy.

  ‘Actually I get the sense she mostly spent her whole time in the can writing stuff about the various awful ways she was going to kill me. Spectrum wouldn’t even let me read it. What made you suspect Sal?’ said Ruby.

  ‘It was when the phone line cut out,’ said Clancy, his voice a little creaky. ‘Something happened, that duh brain Beetle was being a bozo and Sal lost it. I saw this look in her eye and I just knew, just like before …’ Clancy paused; the memory of his incarceration on the top of Wolf Paw Mountain was vivid. ‘I’ve been face to face with that psycho before and it doesn’t matter what disguise she puts on – once I look into her eyes, she can’t fool me. Plus, I smelled that smell she wears. Turkish delight.’

  ‘Why didn’t you call me right back?’ said Ruby.

  ‘I did, but you didn’t pick up,’ said Clancy.

  Ruby looked at him straight. ‘I have to go to Back-Spin, I have to find Del.’

  ‘Sal’s not there,’ said Clancy. ‘She finished her shift.’

  ‘Where was she going, Clance? Did she say?’

  ‘Home,’ said Clancy, ‘and who knows where that is?’

  Ruby smiled. ‘Me!’ she said, and she began walking. She knew exactly where Sal lived. She’d seen her walking into an apartment right near Lucello’s, an apartment way too up-market for a girl who worked a few shifts at the table tennis cafe. But it all made sense now.

  ‘Where are you going?’ called Clancy.

  ‘To find Sal,’ Ruby replied.

  ‘What, are you insane?’ shrieked Clancy. ‘You can’t go marching up to her front door on your own.’

  Ruby stopped and turned to look at him. ‘I’m not a total idiot, Clancy. I’m going to call for backup. The last thing I want to do is take on a murder-minded individual alone. I mean what am I, crazy?’

  ‘Only occasionally,’ said Clancy but he looked relieved.

  Ruby peered into the stroller. ‘So you gotta give the watch back now, Lemon.’ She prised the Escape Watch out of his baby grip. ‘Jeepers Lemon, it’s totally covered in dribble.’ Archie was not pleased about having to give it up and looked like he was going to cry. Clancy lent in to try and soothe him and Archie took the chance to reach for Clancy’s pocket, where he could hear the jingle of house keys.

  ‘You better give ’em to him, Clance, or we’ll never hear the end of it.’

  ‘What?!’ said Clancy. Reluctantly he handed over his keys.

  Ruby was trying to radio Blacker, but it wasn’t going through. ‘Darn it,’ she said.

  She reached for the fly barrette to call Hitch instead, but it wasn’t there.

  ‘I don’t believe this!’ she said. ‘How could I have lost it?’

  So instead she typed a message to them both on the Escape Watch:

  >> URGENT.

  HAVE LOCATED LORELEI.

  SHE IS AT 479 CONSTANZA, TOP FLOOR.

  >> BRING PLENTY OF BACKUP.

  >> BE CAREFUL.

  ‘Right,’ said Ruby, ‘we better run or we’re gonna miss all the action.’

  ‘Haven’t you forgotten something?’ said Clancy.

  Ruby looked blank. ‘What?’

  Clancy pointed at the stroller.

  ‘Oh darn it,’ she said looking at Archie. ‘Where are we gonna park you?’

  And that’s when fortune struck.

  Vapona Begwell was heading towards them, weaving her way through the pedestrians on her brand-new yellow skateboard.

  ‘Hey – Begwell!’ shouted Ruby.

  Vapona looked around and came to an abrupt halt when she saw who it was.

  ‘Redfort,’ she nodded. There was no insult today.

  ‘So remember how you said you owe me one?’

  ‘I remember,’ said Vapona.

  ‘And remember how you said you hate owing people?’

  ‘Yeah, what of it?’

  ‘So I got a solution to your problem, a way of clearing your debt.’

  ‘What is it?’

  Ruby pointed to the stroller. ‘Take care of him for a couple of hours and we’re quits.’

  ‘You have to be kidding,’ said Vapona.

  ‘I’m afraid this is going to be your only opportunity to make things even, otherwise you’ll be forever in my debt,’ said Ruby.

  Vapona gave Ruby a look – it was the sort of look which said, ‘I want to sock you on the nose,’ but what she actually said was, ‘If you tell anyone that I babysat your little squirt friend here then you better be prepared to run like you never ran before.’

  ‘Relax, Vapona, I know how to keep my mouth shut. Give me your address and I’ll pick him up in a while.’

  ‘What’s its name anyway?’ asked Vapona looking into the stroller.

  ‘Archie,’ said Ruby, ‘and a word of warning: he likes to chew things.’

  While Vapona was scribbling her home details on a piece of paper, Clancy was looking at the traffic, which due to the torrential rain was pretty much gridlocked.

  Clancy looked at Vapona’s board and said, ‘Oh and we need your skateboard.’

  ‘What?’ said Vapona.

  Clancy shrugged. ‘Well, it’s not like you can use it.’

  ‘Good thinking Clance,’ said Ruby. ‘We definitely need the board.’

  Vapona gave him a very hard stare before handing it over.

  ‘Anything happens to it, Crew, and you’re dead meat.’

  And off she went with Archie.

  ‘You know Clance, you can be quite the genius when you want to be.’

  ‘I know,’ said Clancy.

  NEITHER OF THEM EXPECTED TO ARRIVE AT 479 CONSTANZA AS QUICKLY AS THEY DID. They zigzagged through the stationary traffic and cut across the park, down back streets and side streets, until they reached the Village. They stashed the skateboar
ds behind a pretentious little lemon tree to the side of the door and snuck into the building while the doorman was busy chatting to an elderly resident. Then, rather than take the elevator, just to be safe they climbed the back stairs.

  ‘What makes you think she lives on the eighth floor?’ wheezed Clancy.

  ‘Because that time I saw her, I watched, for the lights to switch on. I was curious, no reason to know – curiosity is what makes for a good spy,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Curiosity … can also … make for … a dead spy,’ said Clancy, finding it hard to get the words out – seven flights of stairs was a lot of steps. ‘How come … you’re … not out of … breath?’ he asked.

  ‘It’s the kung fu training,’ said Ruby.

  ‘The what?’ said Clancy.

  But Ruby wasn’t listening; she was looking at her watch.

  The fly that circled the dial was flashing red – the signal that meant backup had arrived. ‘They’re here!’ whispered Ruby.

  ‘One would hope!’ hissed Clancy.

  ‘You need to stay out of sight in the stairwell … Don’t move, and whatever you do, don’t come in.’

  ‘Are you sure it’s safe?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘Are you kidding? Half the Spectrum SWAT team will be there by now … It’s probably the safest place to be.’

  ‘So what am I doing in the stairwell?’ complained Clancy.

  ‘Because,’ Ruby explained, ‘if anyone at Spectrum sees you, they’ll know I’ve been blabbing about classified Spectrum stuff and trouble won’t even begin to describe what I’ll be in.’

  ‘OK,’ said Clancy, ‘but be careful, that woman’s dangerously unhinged.’

  She rolled her eyes. ‘Like I need reminding,’ she said as she slipped through the door into the hallway.

  She tiptoed over to the apartment entrance and listened at the keyhole.

  She could hear shouts and orders, and a woman’s voice full of fury … Lorelei was not taking this lying down.

  Ruby picked the lock – it was easy when you knew how – and, making no sound to announce herself, she pushed her way in.

  She saw the purple Dash sneakers lying – one here, one there – in the hall, Sal’s coat thrown onto a chair, her sweatshirt strewn on the floor. Ruby followed the trail that led her steadily towards the noise.

  These warehouse apartments were huge, rooms leading off rooms, but Ruby just followed the clamour.