Unfriending My Ex: And Other Things I'll Never Do

by Kim Stolz

  Countless articles and books tell you that you can lose weight by taking special pills or limiting your intake of x, y, or z food products. Some are making the same kind of insane promises to fix digital addiction: I even saw an article recently saying that you could solve Internet addiction in three easy steps that take no effort from you! I did not bother to read the body of the article because it harkened back to my dieting days, and I know how that ends (no skinnier). The solution won’t come in a bottle.

  As Powers told me, “The digital future is not just about taking time off from your screen, but also being thoughtful about how technology has evolved . . . You need to realize that you can shape your own life no matter how tethered you feel in this digital world.” What does shaping your own life really mean? To start, we can begin showing up for meetings and dinners with friends without our hands and eyes constantly on our phone. We can give people we’re actually with our full attention in the moment we’re actually with them. We can do our best to show up for our everyday lives.

  Here is what I’ve resolved to do: make more phone calls. Make an effort to call at least one friend a day, to set up a date with them, and when I meet them in person, I am going to put my phone away. Perhaps I’ll even arrange Skype calls or video chats, so I can see my friends’ faces and hear voices rather than just reading hahaha or gauging tone via emoticons.

  I work in a face-paced environment where there is a lot of yelling and orders are given left and right, but before I come home to my wife, I have to change my mind-set, reclaim my compassion and patience. I am able to do that because I am aware of the difference between the two atmospheres. I think we have to learn to do this with social media as well. There is the terse, somewhat distracted, everything-happens-at-once world of social media interaction, and then there is the slower, more focused human-to-human interaction. With an overabundance of social media, we act like our social media selves when we sit down to dinner or attempt to read or do work. My phone lights up constantly with texts, e-mails, Instagram, Twitter, SnapChat, and Facebook notifications, and even CNN and Seeking Alpha alerts. When I go to dinner with a friend, I cannot stop this from happening. What I can do, though, is try to slow down, focus on what’s in front of me, and keep my phone out of my sight.

  • • •

  My wife deactivated her Facebook account not too long ago, and she is infinitely happier. She didn’t want to be inundated with a stream of updates from people whom she didn’t care about. Who cares if that girl from your second-grade class loves rice pudding or is excited to see what’s going to happen on this season of SYTYCD? She wanted to live in the present and the future, not the past. I envy that.

  My wife’s good-bye to Facebook also benefited me; I’ve been relieved of the impulse to see what’s happening on her page since she doesn’t have one. In turn, while I link my Twitter and my Instagram to Facebook, I barely spend any time on it myself. I (almost) never peruse the pages of the people I once knew or dated. If we were both still active Facebook users, we would probably fight more, as we would question each other’s every move. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, we have more time with each other.

  In a USA Today interview, Rolling Stones front man Mick Jagger admitted, “I spend way too much time on the computer and not enough time playing the guitar . . . There’s an underlying problem of this screen life taking over all of your life.” The day after he read that, my best friend’s younger brother quit Facebook so he could “focus on the guitar.”

  Arianna Huffington, who founded the political blog (and subsequent online empire) the Huffington Post, spoke out in 2010 about how our nation’s leaders are failing us because of their own overconnectedness to technology. “Look at the bad decisions our leaders are making,” said Huffington. “I have to believe it’s because they are hyper-connected to technology, and not sufficiently connected to their own wisdom.” Huffington’s comment reminded me of what Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote in his classic essay “Self-Reliance”:

  To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men—that is genius. Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of our own mind . . . Absolve you to yourself, and you shall have the suffrage of the world.

  Amen.

  And since I’m apparently going full speed ahead on this tangent already, Ralph Waldo Emerson also said, “This time, like all times, is a good one, if we but know what to do with it.”

  The technology space continues to grow with new apps and social media outlets every day. We, as humans, are growing with it but are struggling to find a way to use it without losing control, becoming compulsive, letting it affect our friendships, our relationships, and most importantly, ourselves. The answer is not to cancel our Instagram accounts, deactivate our Facebook profiles, and delete our Twitter handles. Instead, we must figure out how to use these facts of life as positive forces instead of damaging ones. And we have to figure out how to stay true to the “integrity of our own minds” and not get carried away by the stream of distraction and insecurity.

  Writing this book didn’t cure me. Far from it; I am still addicted to my phone, social media, reality television, and my DVR. But I have made some changes. I only allow myself to check my social media at work when I run down to grab my lunch or go to the bathroom. I keep my phone in my bag (or pocket) when I have dinners with friends or family. If I have a night at home, I try to spend at least an hour reading or writing before I turn on the television. One foot in front of the other. That’s what it’s all about.

  We’ll reach our full potential when we figure out, as Emerson said, “what to do with it.” We won’t figure it out right away, but . . . baby steps. I have not yet unfriended my ex, but I did make the decision not to follow her on Instagram. I’m getting there.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  I am deeply grateful to my editor and friend, Shannon Welch, for her confidence in this project and for standing by it from beginning to end. Without her, it truly would not have come to fruition. Shannon saw the strength in the early manuscript when even I did not and never stopped pushing me to make it everything it could be. Her attention to detail and ability to help me find my voice are things I will always be grateful for. I want to thank Scribner for believing in my manuscript and ultimately me; and also for putting an unparalleled, amazing, thoughtful, and insightful team behind it. Thank you to Nan Graham, who led the amazing team who published Unfriending My Ex, and to Roz Lippel, Kara Watson, Brian Belfiglio, Lauren Lavelle, Caitlin Dohrenwend, Elisa Rivlin, Hadley Walker, Tal Goretsky, and John Glynn.

  I want to thank my loyal agent and friend Steve Troha for navigating the last four years with me and for introducing me to all of the right people to work with on this project. I am eternally grateful for the constant support and enthusiasm of Lynn Goldberg, Katie Wainwright, Jeff Umbro, Megan Beatie, and Angela Baggetta. Thank you for believing in my book and helping me make it a success.

  I want to thank all of the people I spoke to about the topic and the many experts, journalists, and other authors whom I consulted during the process. While there are many names in the footnotes that I am grateful for, special thanks go to Elias Aboujaoude, whose book Virtually You was a constant source of information and insight; William Powers, author of Hamlet’s BlackBerry, who met with me to discuss the topic and his findings; Gary Small, whose columns in Psychology Today and other work provided great statistics and information; and Keane Angle, whose interview provided insight from the digital and social marketing perspective. Thank you also to Henry David Thoreau and Walden, which got me through my digital detox and continues to change how I see the world around me. I, of course, want to thank every single person who filled out and participated in the hundreds of surveys that gave me a wealth of information about our generation and this topic. I am so grateful that people took the time to answer my sometimes very strange questions.

  Thank you to the Brearley School in New York City for giving me the best education
I can imagine and for teaching me how to be successful. Brearley gave me the confidence, strength, and hardworking nature to believe that I could succeed at all of my endeavors, even if it meant having two or sometimes three careers at one time. I want to especially thank Mrs. Helaine Smith for her brilliance and for teaching me how to put my voice down onto a page.

  Deserving her own start to a paragraph is my dear friend, Dr. Amy Wicker, who, as a doctor of clinical psychology, was a brilliant and incredibly helpful source of knowledge from the human behavioral perspective. On a personal note, I want to thank Amy for being an amazingly loyal friend, who never stopped asking about this project and who has been my sounding board for essentially everything in the past ten years. I am also incredibly grateful for the support of Ken Auletta, Caprice Crane, Jean Vallely Graham, Chris Hardwick, Debbie McEneaney, Roger Rosenblatt, and Alyssa Shelasky who believed in my manuscript and were some of the first people to read it and offer feedback. Thank you to David Silber and everyone at Citigroup for being supportive and understanding of my somewhat double life and to my colleagues for buying this book (you guys did buy the book, right?). I want to thank my friends and colleagues whose lives were constant inspiration and insight, and thank you to Beverly Hills, 90210 for letting me use the names of their characters to protect the identities of some of my most device-addicted real-life characters. Special thanks to Judgie Graham, Molly Greenberg, Jessica Palmer, Despina Nevells, Keryn Limmer, Sarah Maslin Nir, Peter McEneaney, Emily Calcagnino, Julie Potash Slavin, Randy Slavin, Megan Kelly, Kyle Gilroy, Josephine Bradlee, Nina Braddock, Marina Thompson, Christine Cowan, Chris Sullivan, Erin Reiss Silbert, Lysee Webb, Madison Vain, and the MTV News team. I suppose I should also thank my various exes: without them, this book would be a lot shorter and without a title.

  I want to thank my mom and dad who are the best friends and parents I could ask for. Not only did they both provide inspiration and great stories to draw from, but they were supportive every step of the way. Thank you to my dad for giving the best advice, for being my role model, for pushing me to be the best I could be, and for always making me laugh in the best of times and the worst of times. Thank you to my mom for being the warmest and kindest person I’ve ever met and for her smart and creative mind, which never ceases to amaze me. You are the best and coolest and funniest parents out there. I’m so honored to have you as my best friends.

  Last but certainly not least, I want to thank Lexi for being my rock, for always being supportive, and for making every day better. I am ever grateful for the constant laughter, encouragement, and love we share. I should also probably thank you for letting me write a book about my exes. I’m aware that was a bit rude. Thank you for letting me pursue this and all of my dreams and for being one of them. And finally, thank you to Izzy and Emme, the amazing Stolz dogs, for being the best additions to a family anyone could ask for. I forgive you for falling asleep every time I try to read you this book.

  © ROBIN ROEMER PHOTOGRAP

  KIM STOLZ is a former contestant on America’s Next Top Model, MTV news anchor, and current vice president of equity derivatives at Citigroup. She is a graduate of the Brearley School and Wesleyan University. In 2012, she was named one of the 100 Most Compelling People of the Year by Out magazine. She lives in New York City.

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  NOTES

  1: The Experiment

  “withdrawal.” Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, n.d., 15 Jan. 2014. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/withdrawal.

  “the simplest programs”: Benny Evangelista, “Attention Loss Feared as High-Tech Rewires Brain,” San Francisco Chronicle, November 15, 2009. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/11/14/BUNI1AB1G2.DTL.

  2: Generation, Interrupted

  “the same neural pathways”: Gary Small, “Techno Addicts,” PsychologyToday.com, July 22, 2009. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/brain-bootcamp/200907/techno-addicts.

  some in the psychiatric community: Bill Davidow, “Internet Compulsion Disorder: Should We Include It in the DSM?,” Atlantic, December 13, 2011. http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2011/12/internet-compulsion-disorder-should-we-include-it-in-the-dsm/249905/.

  the tech giant Cisco surveyed members: Cisco, “Toothpaste, Toilet Paper, and Texting—Say Good Morning to Gen Y,” press release, December 12, 2012. http://newsroom.cisco.com/release/1114955.

  Keane Angle, a digital strategist at 360i: Keane Angle, e-mail interview with the author, July 26, 2011.

  “the constant checking”: Matt Richtel, “It Don’t Mean a Thing If You Ain’t Got That Ping,” New York Times, April 22, 2007. http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/22/weekinreview/22richtel.html?_r=1.

  “accustomed to a constant stream”: Ibid.

  “The more we become used to”: Evangelista, “Attention Loss Feared.”

  In his comprehensive and entertaining book: Elias Aboujaoude, Virtually You: The Dangerous Powers of the E-Personality (New York: W. W. Norton, 2011), 210.

  Aboujaoude notes a 2004 study: Ibid., 210–11.

  “exhibit signs and symptoms:” Larry D. Rosen, “Face the Facts: We Are All Headed for an iDisorder,” Lifehack.org, March 28, 2012. http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifehack/face-the-facts-we-are-all-headed-for-an-idisorder.html.

  “Drug addicts don’t think”: Richtel, “It Don’t Mean a Thing.”

  My friend Dr. Amy Wicker: The CAGE questionnaire was developed by Dr. John Ewing. CAGE is an internationally used assessment instrument for identifying problems with alcoholism. “The CAGE Questionnaire,” JAMA, 252, 1905-1907.

  “There is something satisfying”: William Powers, interview with the author, November 10, 2011.

  The constant distractions and all our time online: Matt Richtel, “Growing Up Digital, Wired for Distraction,” New York Times, November 21, 2010. http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/21/technology/21brain.html?.

  According to a 2011 study by Cisco: Stacey Higginbotham, “Social Media, Multi-tasking & Ending Billable Hours,” GigaOm.com, September 21, 2011. http://gigaom.com/2011/09/21/social-media-multi-tasking-and-the-death-of-the-billable-hour/. See also: “Cisco Connected World Technology Report,” http://www.cisco.com/c/en/us/solutions/enterprise/connected-world-technology-report/index.html#~2012.

  Further, a recent study of university students: Eyal Ophir et al., “Cognitive Control in Media Multitaskers,” Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, August 24, 2009. http://www.pnas.org/content/early/2009/08/21/0903620106.abstract.

  “processing multiple incoming streams”: Ibid.

  “mythical activity in which people believe”: Edward M. Hallowell, Crazy Busy: Overstretched, Overbooked, and About to Snap! Strategies for Handling Your Fast-Paced Life (New York: Ballantine Books, 2007).

  why some companies are now preventing: Emily Glazer, “P&G Curbs Employees’ Internet Use,” Wall Street Journal, April 4, 2012. http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304072004577324142847006340.html.

  “The same inefficiency that freezes”: Richard E. Cytowic, “The Key to Efficient Multitasking: One Thing at a Time,” Fallible Mind (blog), Psychology Today, March 23, 2013. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-fallible-mind/201203/the-key-efficient-multitasking-one-thing-time.

  scientists in California found: Matt Richtel, “Digital Devices Deprive Brain of Needed Downtime,” New York Times, August 24, 2010. http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/25/technology/25brain.html.

  “memory can be boosted”: Sarah O’Meara, “ ‘Wakeful Resting’ Mor
e Effective Than Crosswords to Fight Memory Loss,” Huffington Post UK, July 24, 2012. http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2012/07/24/wakeful-resting-more-effective-crosswords_n_1697311.html?ir=UK+Lifestyle.

  A University of Michigan study revealed: Richtel, “Digital Devices Deprive Brain.”

  3: Facebook Is Ruining My Life

  In an article titled: Leon Neyfakh, “The Power of Lonely,” The Boston Globe, March 6, 2012. Retrieved from http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/ideas/articles/2011/03/06/the_power_of_lonely/?page=1.

  Nielsen found that between 2003 and 2009: NielsenWire, “Report: Social Media and Video Site Engagement Reshapes the Web,” April 22, 2009. http://blog.nielsen.com/nielsenwire/nielsen-news/online-global-landscape-0409/.

  “growing at a rate”: NielsenWire, “New Mobile Obsession: U.S. Teens Triple Data Usage,” December 15, 2011. http://blog.nielsen.com/nielsenwire/online_mobile/new-mobile-obsession-u-s-teens-triple-data-usage/.

  They also found that the average teenager: Ibid.

  25 percent of teens: Common Sense Media, “Is Technology Networking Changing Childhood?” press release, August 10, 2009. http://www.commonsensemedia.org/about-us/news/press-releases/social-networking-changing-childhood.

  Americans in general spent: Nielsen, State of the Media: The Social Media Report, Q3 2011, September 9, 2011. http://cn.nielsen.com/documents/Nielsen-Social-Media-Report_FINAL_090911.pdf.