Worth the Wait

by Jamie Beck

  She could do it. After all, she’d drawn a line with David. Only after weeks of his begging, and her near miss with tragedy, did she consider letting him back in her life. For the first time since they’d met, she saw herself as his equal. An incredible reversal for her, and one that gave her courage today.

  Courage needed to draw similar boundaries with her father.

  Unloading two decades’ worth of guilt had been terrifying yet freeing. David had worked hard to make her accept the possibility that the icy roads were at least as much to blame. At this point in time, blame really didn’t matter.

  Accidents happen. Mistakes were made. The only way to move forward was through forgiveness and acceptance—of others and one’s self. Vivi could do that for herself, and tonight she would ask her father to do it for her, finally.

  She placed two large squares of lasagna on plates and set them on the kitchen table. “Dad?”

  When he didn’t answer, she wandered into the living room. He sat, asleep in his recliner, one hand clutching a near-empty glass of whiskey. Vivi walked over and gently removed the glass. “Dad, dinner’s ready.”

  Startled, he opened his eyes and blinked, confused. “Vivi.”

  She nodded. “You fell asleep. Dinner’s ready.”

  He hefted himself out of the chair and slowly followed her into the kitchen. He went to pour a fresh glass of booze, but she reached for the bottle. “Before you drink more, I want to talk.”

  “About what?” he asked, taking a seat without thanking her for the meal she’d prepared.

  “About you and me.” She unfolded a napkin across her lap while he forked a bite of his dinner. “I told you Mr. St. James is getting remarried tomorrow at his country club. That’s why I’m staying here tonight.”

  “So?” He glanced at the half-empty bottle of Jack Daniel’s on the counter. “What’s that got to do with you and me?”

  “Well, the unexpected events of the summer and his wedding have made me realize something. A lot, actually, but one thing about you in particular.”

  He set his fork down and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Oh yeah? And what’s that?”

  “All these years I put up with your drinking—your neglect—because I knew how devastated you were by Mom’s accident.” Her throat tightened a little. “I lived with shame and regret because I survived and Mom and Tommy didn’t. I knew seeing me only reminded you of them, and I convinced myself your grief justified your behavior, no matter how destructive.”

  “Destructive?” He snatched his fork again, waving it dismissively before using it to stab his lasagna. “I’m not destructive.”

  “Yes, you are. You’re self-destructive and you’ve hurt me, too. I thought I’d been handling it well all these years. Now I know I was wrong.” She leaned forward, reaching across the table in vain. “You were wrong.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?” He scowled before taking another bite of his meal.

  Everything about his posture and expression warned her to stop. Nothing would change. But she had to finish. She had to draw her line.

  “People lose spouses and children every day, some in tragic accidents, others to illness, the way Mr. St. James lost his wife. But unlike you, they move on. Mom and Tommy died in that crash, not you. You still had a life. A daughter. A reason to get up and be the best man and father you could. You had the possibility of finding love again, eventually. We could’ve had a happier life here, together.” She found the courage to look him in the eyes. “Instead of choosing to live—instead of choosing to invest in me—you curled into a ball. You left me alone and neglected and feeling unloved for most of my life. And I took it. I kept coming back, making excuses, feeling guilty. That’s over now. I can’t keep going down this road with you. You need to make changes, or you won’t be seeing me nearly as often in the future.”

  “What the hell do you know about losing a wife or a son? You can’t know how I feel or tell me the way I handled my feelings is wrong.” He shoved his plate aside and leaned forward. “Neglect you? Didn’t I keep a roof over your head, food in your belly, clothes on your back? Yes, I damn well did, Vivi. I never neglected you.”

  “I didn’t say you abandoned me. I said you didn’t take care with my feelings. You never helped me grieve, and, believe it or not, I, too, lost a family that day.” It wouldn’t help to allow her own emotions to spiral out of control, so she took a deep breath to settle herself. “You’ve never taken an interest in my art, my friends, my job. Our whole relationship has been about me giving to you, me caring for you, me visiting you. Jeez, Dad, you didn’t even come see me after I got injured the other week. You were content to let David and Cat take care of me.”

  “Seems to me you always preferred those St. Jameses anyhow, so you should be grateful.” He stood up and walked toward the counter. After dropping his plate into the sink, he moved toward the bottle.

  “Don’t drink that now. We’re talking.” She put her fork down, holding her breath.

  “I’m done talking.” He swiped it off the counter and started strolling out of the kitchen. He paused at the doorway, glancing over his shoulder. “You do what you need to do, but don’t tell me how to live my life. And don’t ever tell me I didn’t love you. That’s a bald-faced lie, Vivi.”

  She sat in her chair, blinking back tears. What had she hoped for? A sudden change of heart? A tearful apology and warm hug?

  His reaction was exactly what she should’ve expected. Cold. Removed. Unapologetic. Just as always.

  Maybe he had done the best he could do, which wasn’t saying much. Perhaps some part of his heart died and got buried with her mom and brother, and what was left only had so much love to give her. She’d probably never know anything other than the fact that he preferred the comfort of his beloved booze to her company.

  But she’d said what needed to be said, and now she would not go out of her way to make sure to visit twice a month. She would no longer worry about whether or not he was eating right. She’d treat him with the same detached sentiment with which he’d always treated her.

  Although the dinner was not a rousing success, she had stood up to him for the first time. Pride stole through her—something she’d almost never felt sitting in this kitchen. That, at least, marked a change for the better. A new era.

  And she would heed her own advice, too. She had choices to make in her life. Risks to take. Happiness to grab. Love to give.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  The next afternoon, David took a car service to Wilton to pick up Vivi before going to his father’s wedding. Given his dark mood, he suspected he should’ve rented a hearse.

  He shook away the thought, vowing to use this occasion to move forward with his life, and with Vivi. He walked up to her door, remembering the times throughout the years he’d picked her up or dropped her off here. It looked exactly as he remembered it, but everything else about this moment felt different. Charged. He rang the doorbell, and she appeared a minute later.

  Unlike her typically loud clothing, today she wore a conservative nude-colored dress with a scalloped hemline. Its feminine lace overlay had the barest hint of metallic sheen. Her arms extended from the cap sleeves, and the fabric gathered at the waist before dropping to her midthigh. The back had a peekaboo opening, making him ache to touch her bare skin. She wore platinum sandals and pinned her hair up into a simple French twist, which hid her fresh scar.

  He’d never seen her look more elegant. “You’re gorgeous.”

  She broke into a wide smile, revealing the gap between her front teeth he loved so well. “You look pretty good yourself.” She straightened the knot in his tie, then squeezed his forearm. “All set?”

  “As much as I’ll ever be.”

  “That’s all anyone can ask.”

  It had been twenty months since he’d laid eyes on his father. He hadn’t seen Jan
et since the day he caught them together outside of Starbucks. A wave of nausea curled in his stomach, just like every time he pictured that woman. He could never have attended this wedding without Vivi at his side.

  “You know, I’ve been a little nervous about seeing your dad and Janet, too.” Vivi fiddled with her earring as they walked toward the car. “I’ve tried hard to find the silver lining in all of this, and may have one for you.”

  “There’s a silver lining?” His skepticism couldn’t be masked. “This ought to be good.”

  “If you think about it, isn’t it better that your dad is marrying Janet? At least you know he truly loved her when he cheated on your mom. That’s better than if it had been a careless, cheap fling.”

  He halted, processing her remark, before joining her at the car.

  “I guess there’s something to that twisted bit of logic.” He frowned while helping her into the backseat.

  “It’s not twisted,” she said, batting his arm. “I know you don’t think he’s been punished enough, but your mom forgave him.”

  “Not punished enough?” David scowled. “Try not at all!”

  “You already know how I feel about this topic. Just because he didn’t beg for forgiveness, or confess his sins, doesn’t mean he hasn’t suffered. He knows he hurt her and you. He knows he lost the respect of both of you as a result of his behavior.” She clutched her little purse in her lap. “Maybe if you think about it that way, you won’t feel so agitated today. And for all you know, maybe your mom even encouraged him to find someone once she knew she wasn’t going to live long. She loved him, David. She would’ve wanted him to be happy after she died. Maybe she knew he wouldn’t do well on his own.”

  “If that were true, she would’ve told me so at the time I discovered the affair.” He closed his eyes. “Let’s stop speculating. It’s not making me feel any better. Are you saying all this because you’re worried I’m going to create a scene?”

  “No.” She shook her head. “I just want to help you mend fences with your dad, and with Cat and Jackson.”

  “Well, you’re more forgiving of sins of the father than I.” As soon as he spoke, he wished he could retract his insensitive remark. Vivi had offered gentle support and he repaid her by throwing her own shitty situation in her face. “I’m sorry. That was rude.”

  “It’s okay.” She stared straight ahead. “I know you’re not yourself today.”

  “Don’t make excuses for me.” He turned to her. “It was uncalled for and cruel, especially after everything you shared with me recently. You’re the absolute last person in the world I ever want to hurt.”

  “Fine. You big, mean jerk!” She stuck her tongue out at him, then smiled. “Better?”

  He cocked a brow and grinned. “Yes.”

  They pulled under the expansive portico of the Rolling Hills Country Club and walked across the Belgian block driveway to the entry. The wedding ceremony was being held on the covered side patio. A center aisle had been created by rows of gold-and-white chairs.

  Despite a gentle fall breeze, David felt perspiration gathering all over his body and immediately regretted his decision. He froze, considering turning around, then Vivi’s voice anchored him again.

  “Ooh, you look handsome, Jacks!” Vivi fingered his brother’s bow tie and ran her hand along the lapel of his tuxedo jacket.

  Apparently Jackson was his father’s best man. It made sense, under the circumstances, but it also highlighted the vast gulf between David and his father.

  “Where’s Dad?” he finally asked.

  “Checking on last-minute details.” After an awkward pause, Jackson asked, “Shall I escort you to your seats? Cat’s already here.”

  David noticed his sister in the front row on the right.

  “Lead the way.”

  Jackson stuck his arm out for Vivi, and David followed behind them.

  “You look pretty, Cat!” Vivi said. “Is that new?”

  “No.” Cat’s forced smile didn’t fool David. He wished her attitude were due to the wedding rather than her discomfort with the idea of him and Vivi. If he failed to win back Vivi’s affection, Cat would probably rejoice. “You look good, Vivi. I’m so glad you’re recovering well.”

  “I’m fine.” Vivi touched the place on her head where the stitches had just been removed. “However, I doubt I can do much dancing later.”

  “This doesn’t look like much of a dancing crowd,” Cat whispered, then she leaned forward to look at David. With an even tone, she said, “I wasn’t sure you’d actually show up, let alone stay very long. Have you seen Dad?”

  “No. I spoke with him on the phone. I’ll see him after the vows.” Vows. His own words stunned him. God Almighty, the next thirty minutes would be torture.

  The string quartet began playing Pachelbel’s Canon in D, putting an end to the uncomfortable conversation. David sighed, bracing for the long afternoon. He surveyed the fifty or so attendees—a collection of close family, business colleagues, and friends.

  He felt like a fraud sitting among them, celebrating something for which he felt no joy. When David first saw his father standing at the makeshift altar, his stomach clenched. The man hadn’t changed much, excepting a few extra silver hairs and a new general air of fitness.

  They looked at each other, which caused David to recall the many times their roles were reversed. For years his father had been the one standing on the sidelines watching David play lacrosse or pose for prom photos or accept an academic award. The man had never been demonstrative, but he’d been proud. Always proud. And now, despite David’s anger, he acknowledged a tender surge of emotion, a desire to resolve things and be close again. That goodwill vanished as soon as Janet began her march down the aisle.

  Janet. His soon-to-be stepmother.

  His stomach burned as if he’d devoured a bowl of hot peppers. His intense dislike didn’t stem solely from what she’d done to his mother, although that alone justified his position.

  For years he’d watched her and her former husband interact with everyone at their country club. Good-looking social climbers. A plastic pair that air-kissed everyone, smiled too often, and tried too hard. Insincerity incarnate. Now she would be part of his family.

  Part of his life.

  He reached for Vivi’s hand. If she minded his sudden, tight grip, she didn’t react. He supposed she was taking pity on him, which was fine with him as long as she didn’t pull away. Occasionally she wiggled her fingers to encourage him to loosen his grip, but she never let go. He took that as another hopeful sign. The only truly good part of his day.

  “I can’t stay here,” he whispered.

  She looked him in the eye and whispered back, “Leaving won’t change anything or make it better. In fact, you’ll end up feeling worse. We can make it through this day.”

  “I hate her,” he said, not as quietly as he should have.

  “I know.” She squeezed his hand. “I’m sorry.”

  Beside her, Cat shifted uncomfortably and shot him a disapproving look. He straightened his shoulders and inhaled a long, deep breath. He would stay. He would say hello to his father, let Vivi eat something, and then convince her to slip away with him, unnoticed.

  Instead of watching the rest of the ceremony, he wondered how someone like Janet had been tempting when his father had already had an amazing wife. Then David thought of Laney, and how he’d been ready to settle for a lesser relationship when Vivi had been right in front of him all along.

  A shudder ran through him. Reflexively, he tugged her hand up to his chest. I will make you mine. She shot him a bewildered look.

  After the ceremony, David and Vivi followed Cat into the reception area in the main ballroom. Afternoon sunlight spilled through its French doors, transforming it and its bouquet-filled tables into a beautiful garden.

  David picked glasses of c
hampagne off a passing tray. He considered getting drunk, but thought better of the idea. Some of his father’s colleagues were clients of David’s firm. He sipped his champagne and twisted his neck to and fro, running his finger along the inside of his collar.

  “Is it hot in here?” he asked Vivi.

  “No.” Her empathetic smile suddenly changed and her eyes widened.

  “David. You look good, son.” His father’s voice startled him. “Thank you for coming.”

  Vivi elbowed David, who’d turned to stone and not spoken. He snapped himself from his daze and extended his hand.

  “Congratulations.” The words tasted bitter, as though he’d stuck his tongue on the tip of a battery. He swallowed the lump in his throat and barely acknowledged Janet with a shallow nod of his head.

  “Mr. St. James, congratulations,” Vivi thankfully interrupted. “Hi, Janet, I’m Vivienne. We met briefly last year, but you might not remember. I love your dress.”

  “Thank you,” Janet said in her chirpy voice.

  A tense moment passed before Vivi spoke again. “So, Janet, Cat and I would love to hear about your honeymoon plans, wouldn’t we?” She began stepping away from David, but he tugged at her hand, panicked. She went up on her toes and kissed his cheek. The casual gesture was something he’d have taken for granted weeks ago. No longer. Now he savored it. “I’ll be back in a minute.” Then she looked at Mr. St. James and said sotto voce, “I suspect you might like a minute with your son.”

  The three ladies moved several feet away, leaving David alone with his father. With downcast eyes, he cleared his throat and waited for his father to speak. He finally looked up to notice his father staring at Vivi with an odd expression.

  “Are you dating Vivi?” The undisguised surprise in his voice irritated David.

  “Not yet, but I intend to if she’ll have me.” David’s eyes warned his father to tread lightly.

  “I’ll be damned,” his father said, smiling. “Graciela was right about you.”