Reckless Rock Star (Cocky Hero Club)

by Victoria Ashley

  The hardest part of walking away from the trip was knowing that Natalie was happy too. I filled a void in her that my brother has been unable to fill in the two years they’ve been together, and like an idiot, I let her drive away due to my fear of being hurt. I had my shot at happiness with her—I could’ve made her mine—yet I didn’t, because I was too fucking terrified of losing her.

  She might’ve been happy with me on the trip, but what about when it was over? My fear of what would happen once we got back home and back to reality took over. I couldn’t risk making her mine, losing my brother over it, and then losing her too if she realized she’d made a mistake with me. I’m not strong enough for that; not even fucking close.

  To ensure that could never happen, I said the things I felt I needed to say that day. I told her we needed time even though that’s the last thing I wanted.

  “Do you know how bad sleeping alone feels after you’ve been sleeping with someone?” I take another drag off my cigarette and slowly exhale, leaning my head back. “It fucking sucks. I haven’t had a solid night’s sleep in over a week, man. What I wouldn’t give to have Natalie in my bed every fucking night, wrapped up in my arms… It doesn’t feel right—being without her. You know?”

  “Baa.”

  “Tell me about it. I don’t know what to do.”

  “Baa.”

  I laugh and turn to Pixy, feeling silly that I’m out here spilling my guts to a goat. “You tired of listening to me yet? Yeah? I feel ya.”

  Pixy lets out another long “baa” before walking away.

  Apparently, even a goat is tired of my shit.

  “Mate, would you go after her already? All you’ve been doing since you arrived at our doorstep is mope around and spill your guts to the goat.”

  I put out my cigarette and turn to Chance, who just got home from a landscaping job. I’ve been crashing at his and Aubrey’s place since leaving the cabin. I should’ve been back with the band days ago, but I couldn’t stomach going back to the same old shit. Not just yet.

  “I can’t.”

  “Why can’t you?”

  “Because I can’t fucking have her as mine just to lose her. I won’t survive it.”

  He runs a hand through his messy hair and exhales. “Mate, what makes you so fucking sure that you’ll lose her?” He pulls a Pixy Stix from his pocket and pours it into his mouth, waiting for an answer.

  “I can’t risk it, Chance. Not when it means I could lose everyone I love for good, her included.”

  “Have you talked to Logan since the night at the cabin?”

  “No. My phone is broken.”

  Chance shoves his empty wrapper into his pocket and then hands a cake cone to Pixy when the goat “baas” again, as if to complain about not getting a snack. “I can’t tell you what to do, but you should figure things out soon. You can’t hide from life in our guest room forever. It’ll find you at some point. Like Aubrey and I said before, you’re welcome to crash here for as long as you want, but is staying here really what’s best for you, your brother, or Natalie?”

  “I don’t know shit right now. Why else would I be out here talking to a goat?”

  He laughs and pulls out another Pixy Stix, ripping the wrapper open with his teeth. “That’s when you know you need to step up your game and take care of what you want. Pixy hears enough of my shit as it is. He doesn’t need your shit to deal with on top of it.”

  “Da-da.”

  Chance smiles and picks up my niece, before grabbing the back of his wife’s head and kisses her long and hard. The whole time I’ve been here he’s never not kissed her with full passion. “Miss me, Princess?”

  Aubrey laughs when the goat “baas” as if to answer, and little Bree giggles and bounces up and down in Chance’s arms as if it’s the funniest thing ever. “Apparently, someone did. Maybe even more than I did.”

  “Uncle Madden.” Little Chance runs up out of nowhere and kicks a Soccer ball my way. “Come on.”

  Deciding to forget about my problems for a little bit, I kick the ball around with my nephew for a while before sitting down for dinner with the family that I offered to cook for.

  I owe them that much after letting me stay here for as long as they have, so I cooked my famous meatloaf before finally going to the nearest cellphone place to replace my broken phone. I’ve been staring at it ever since, my head all fucked up.

  “You call her yet or are you just going to sit here in my junk art room staring at your phone all night?”

  “It’s past midnight. I thought you were sleeping?” I point at the wall where one of the posters he had printed hangs. “You going to keep that shit up?”

  “Why wouldn’t I?” He laughs while messing around with something he made. I’m not even sure what the hell it is. “I needed something to fill the empty walls. I was even thinking about adding a few more.”

  “You would too. Just so you can laugh at my ass while you work.”

  He leans against the wall and crosses his arms across his chest. “Seriously, though. You need to stop talking to my fucking goat and start talking to the girl you love. I fought for what I wanted. It wasn’t an easy journey—far from it—and look how it turned out for me.”

  “I might not get so lucky.” My chest aches at the thought of Natalie not wanting me. “Not everyone has a fucking Australian accent to help them with the ladies.”

  He chuckles and uncrosses his arms. “My mouth might’ve had something to do with it, but I can tell you now that it wasn’t the accent coming from it.”

  I crack a small smile at his dirty remark. “I’m heading out tomorrow morning. I need to get back with the band. I won’t have time to drive back to Temecula first.”

  “Sure, you do, mate.” He pushes away from the wall. “If you want her as bad as I think you do, you will figure it out. No more excuses.”

  I nod.

  “Goodbye, Mate.” He offers me a wide smile before yawning. “I don’t want to see your ass when I wake up. I don’t think the goat does either.”

  “I believe that,” I say on a small laugh. “I think he tried kicking me today.”

  Chance laughs as he makes his way toward the door, leaving me alone.

  I sit here for a while, still staring at my phone thinking, before I jump to my feet, quietly gather my shit, and leave a note for my cousin and his family thanking them for letting me crash here. I’ll thank them properly the next opportunity I get.

  Chance is right. I need to go after what I want, no matter how hard the fucking journey is. I’ll deal with my brother after. He’ll just have to understand, because I know for a fact that there’s no happiness in my life without Natalie. These past eight days have proved that.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  My heart pounds hard against my ribcage as I walk toward the hotel entrance. I was hoping to find Natalie at home, but after waiting around for a few hours and calling her twice, I figured she must be working and is unable to check her phone; either that or she just doesn’t want to. I wouldn’t blame her at this point if it was the latter.

  I was without a working phone for over a week, and I regret being a goddamn coward now just in case she tried reaching out to me. The only voicemails were from my bandmates and manager, so I finally sent them a text telling them I’d be back in time for the concert tomorrow night.

  The thought of leaving here without Natalie—or at least winning her back—has me feeling sick to my fucking stomach. As much as I’d like to get piss drunk and just disappear like I normally do after a trip, I made a promise to Natalie to stay sober and I plan to keep it.

  “Fuck. Here goes nothing.” I step into the hotel, my stomach sinking when I see Kayla at the desk instead of Natalie. “Is she here?”

  Kayla looks up from the computer screen, her eyes widening when they land on me. “Holy shit, Madden. No, she’s not here. After moping around for a fucking week, she asked for a few days off and is now ignoring my phone calls. So, I have you to thank you
for that. Thanks a fucking lot for breaking her heart.”

  “Tell me where she is, Kayla.”

  “Did you miss the part where I said she’s ignoring my calls?” She rolls her eyes and gives me the dirtiest look. Apparently, she’s not a huge fan of me anymore. “So I don’t know where she is, but when you find out, tell my bestie to call me. I’d appreciate that. Now, if you don’t mind…”

  “Fuck!” I grip the counter and squeeze, feeling like the dick that I am, before turning away and rushing outside to my truck. There’s only one other place I can think of that she’d be, and if that’s the case, I need to get to her before I lose her for good.

  When I pull up in front of my brother’s, neither of their vehicles are parked outside, so I head toward his office, anxious to get to her. It’s been over a week since we’ve spoken, which is more than enough time for my brother to win her back over. That’s my biggest fear.

  A sense of relief hits me when I pull up at the office to find my brother’s vehicle in his usual spot and Natalie’s nowhere in sight. I sit here for a minute, considering going in to talk to Logan, but the longer I sit here, the more anxious I become to get to Natalie. I shift my truck into park and get ready to drive away when I notice the driver’s side door of my brother’s SUV open.

  My heart races when Logan steps out, his focus on me in my truck. Looks like this conversation is going to happen after all.

  “Hey,” he says when I step out of my truck and close the door. “You’ve been ignoring my texts for over a week. I’ve apologized a million times for my fuckup. I don’t know what else to do, Madden.”

  “I haven’t had a phone until late last night. I wasn’t ignoring anyone.” I cross my arms and exhale, getting impatient. The last thing I want to hear is his apology for fucking me over. I’m ready to get straight to the point. “I’m not here for your excuses as to why you fucked my ex while we were together. I’m here for Natalie. I’m sorry if you don’t like that or if it hurts you, but I want her, and I’m not leaving town without her knowing that. I’ve lost too much over the years and I refuse to lose her too. I’m in love with her, Logan. I won’t apologize for that either. Either accept it or don’t. I couldn’t care less at this point.”

  He looks taken aback by my confession. His green eyes meet mine as he begins rolling up his sleeves. I don’t know if he’s preparing to fight me or just nervous like he gets easily. “Yeah, well, Natalie isn’t here. Unlike you, she has been ignoring my calls and texts.” He exhales and runs a hand through his unusually messy hair. “Except for late last night when she showed up at my house to give me an earful and tell me we’re through indefinitely. Apparently, she fell for my younger brother. Who would’ve fucking guessed that shit? But what can I do? I fucked up. There is no going back, and evidently, you two have a bond that we never developed in the two years we dated. She made that clear as day before driving away.”

  My heart speeds up over hearing my brother say Natalie has fallen for me. Here I was expecting to have to fight my brother to win Natalie back and she’s been mine all along. I just didn’t know it. “Where is she, Logan?” I push away from my truck and yank the door open, eager to get to her. “Tell me where she is. Now.” I’m getting really impatient at this point.

  “I have no clue. She left last night saying she had somewhere to be. From the looks of it, she had her suitcase in the back of the car. I didn’t get a chance to ask before she peeled out of the driveway on a fucking mission.”

  “Fuck!” I jump into my truck and reach for my phone to call Natalie. When she doesn’t pick up after the fifth try, I start the engine and slam the door shut, ready to go after her. I don’t bother taking the time to say goodbye to my brother. I hit the gas and head toward Natalie’s house again, hoping to find her there. I’m not sure why, though, since my brother said her bags were packed.

  After driving around town for a couple of hours with no luck, I pull off into a parking lot and beat the shit out of my steering wheel like a goddamn idiot. Once my knuckles are bruised and split open, I head toward the hotel in Vegas where my bandmates are staying, just as promised.

  I hate leaving Temecula without Natalie, but what can I do at this point? She’s gone, and although my brother seems to think she’s fallen for me, apparently that’s not enough for her to answer my call.

  Maybe he was wrong; that or he just wants to get back at me for going after Natalie. Either way, leaving without her is a shit feeling I never want to experience again.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  MADDEN

  Last night was rough as shit, and sleep didn’t come no matter how hard I tried to force it. I kept looking at my phone hoping to hear from Natalie. Once three a.m. hit, I threw my phone across the hotel room and cracked the screen to shit.

  “You sure you’re good, man?” Landon questions, giving me a concerned look. “You haven’t touched liquor since you got here, and you always have a couple of shots before going on stage. I don’t know whether to be concerned or happy.”

  “Leave him be, fucker.” Hendrix slaps our drummer’s shoulder. “Clearly, he’s in his head about this Natalie chick. Don’t stress him out right before we’re about to go on stage. He’s good.”

  I stand from the couch and empty half a water bottle, my nerves causing my hands to shake. I’ve been trying to reach Natalie since last night and she’s yet to return my calls. Going on stage to perform for a bunch of screaming fans is the last thing I want to do right now.

  “I’m ready.” I look down at my busted-up phone in my hand one last time before tossing it onto the couch, walking away when there’s still nothing from the girl I love. “Let’s get this shit over with.”

  I ignore the flashing of cameras and random screams of admiration as we head toward the stage. I’d rather smash this guitar than play it right now, but I place the strap over my shoulder anyway. It’s just a few hours, and then I can get on the road and head back to Temecula. I don’t care if I have to wait a week for her to show back up at her house. I’ll sleep in my goddamn truck if I have to.

  The moment we hit the stage the screams are so loud they’re deafening. Usually, I’d at least be buzzed by this point, and on some nights, halfway to fucked-up. Being on stage sober is a new experience for me, and my nerves are going crazy as I look around at the hundreds of faces, realizing the one I want to see the most is nowhere to be found. Not that I expected her to be here. I haven’t seen Natalie at a concert since that first one two years ago.

  “What’s up, Vegas! Make some noise if you guys are ready to party tonight.” The screams grow louder, girls close to the stage jumping up and reaching out in an attempt to touch me, so I bend down and hold my hand out letting a few of them grab me as they scream out that they love me. “Hell yeah! Let’s get this night started with a little something you guys know well.”

  More screams and whistles fill the room as the band begins playing “Without You” but starts to die down the moment I begin singing, everyone joining in.

  The lyrics leave my lips effortlessly; although, my attention is elsewhere in the crowd, my concentration shot as I scan the faces for Natalie again. It’s fucking stupid, yet I can’t stop myself from doing it, my anger growing toward the end of the fifth song at not finding her.

  Chances are she’s gone for good. I might’ve fucked up that night by pushing her away. What I should’ve done is fought for her. I should’ve followed her to her house and knocked down her door to get to her. If I had the chance to do it all over again, I would’ve taken the chance and risked my heart. It might’ve gotten broken, but at least then I could’ve said that I tried instead of letting her drive away like the pussy that I am.

  When I look Landon’s way, he gives me a nod, as if to make sure I’m cool. Hell no, I’m not. I’m anything but cool, but I nod back anyway, before grabbing a water bottle from the stool and slamming it back, wishing it was something else. But not only do I want to stay sober for Natalie, I know that drinking w
ill only numb the memories of her. I’d rather feel the excruciating pain I’ve been feeling than block out the way I feel for her. That’ll only hurt more.

  “Dude.” Hendrix meets me at the middle of the stage, his face full of frustration. “You’re fucking up the lyrics, Madden. Get it together. Just until the end of the show at least. Can you do that shit?”

  “I always do, don’t I?” I toss my empty water bottle at him, my asshole mood kicking in. He looks down and shakes his head as it bounces off his chest. “Worry about yourselves. I can take care of me. Got it?”

  “Yeah. Sure, you can.”

  I walk away and stand at the end of the stage, my jaw flexing as I run a hand through my wet hair. I’ve never felt so close to walking away before. In fact, I don’t even want to walk at this point, I want to fucking run out of here and go after Natalie. My nerves are completely shot, and Hendrix is right, I’ve messed up the lyrics multiple times hoping nobody caught on. Apparently, I did a shit job hiding it.

  “You know what? Stop the fucking music.” I turn around to face my bandmates. “I need a minute.” The crowd goes quiet as I remove my guitar and drop it, walking away, but before I can get too far, I turn back around and grab the mic again. “Fuck it. I’m sorry guys, but I’ve got a girl to go after. I haven’t stopped thinking about her since the moment she drove away and left me standing in the driveway feeling like a dumbass for not fighting for her. I’ve regretted it ever since, and I can’t fucking function without her. It wasn’t supposed to be that way. I wasn’t supposed to fall for her but I did. I’m an asshole for falling for my brother’s girl, but I did, and I don’t regret a second of it.”

  There are mixed reactions from the crowd, some booing me for stopping the music and others cheering me on to go after my girl, and some are yelling out that they’ll date me instead.

  “Fuck being scared. Fuck my heart. Fuck everything. I’m in love with her and I’m going after her. I need to go after her.” As the words leave my mouth, I realize that I’m about to walk away from a concert for the first time. I’m going to let down hundreds of people—my bandmates and manager included—but for Natalie, I have to be selfish. I can’t wait another fucking second without losing it. “Wish me luck.” I drop the mic and walk off stage, not giving two shits that I just fucked up.