Azure (Drowning In You)

by Thoma, Chrystalla

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  If you have tears, prepare to shed them now.

  Shakespeare

  Take my tears. They are the truest part of me.

  Myra Crow

  “Kai.” She stepped into the darkness of the hut, her heart thumping against her ribcage. A horizontal sunray slanted inside, a path on which dust danced and swirled. It illuminated a figure sitting hunched on the bed, struck gold sparks off his tousled hair. He had his elbows propped on his knees, and his head in his hands.

  She’d fucked up. Her stomach was like a rock lodged below her ribs. He probably hated her now, for snooping, for prying, for destroying this moment when he’d been about to trust her with something he’d never shared with everyone. Who knew why he’d decided to do it, and she’d ruined it.

  Maybe she should go, but she couldn’t make herself do it — not when he looked so downcast.

  Taking a deep breath, she closed the distance between them and sat on the bed, so close their knees almost touched. In the quiet, his breathing came harsh and shallow, as if he couldn’t squeeze enough air into his lungs.

  “Please don’t hate me,” she whispered. She wanted to touch him, but didn’t dare. He seemed coiled like a spring. “I happened to see the book under your bed this morning, and I read the dedication. I guessed who you are and Markus had told me about how your mother died, that she’d drowned in the area. Between that and some things Panos told me, I pieced it together. That’s all.”

  “That’s all,” he repeated, his voice barely a wheeze. He still hadn’t looked up.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Am I...?” He gave a bark of laughter that turned into a gasp.

  “Kai?”

  “Can’t. Breathe.”

  Worry gripped her like a fist. “Why?”

  “Don’t know what...” He gasped again. “What this is.” He was struggling to inhale, his arms wrapped around himself.

  She scooted closer and began to rub his back. “Maybe you need to lie down?”

  A shuddering sob wrenched from his throat and he lifted his head. His eyes were dry, which was odd, but when another wrenching sob came, she realized what this was. Her hand stilled.

  Kai had forgotten how to cry, just like he’d forgotten how to laugh. All that pain locked inside his chest, and now it was trying to burst free for the first time.

  Her throat tight and aching, she wrapped her arm around his back and pulled him close until he was leaning against her, his head on her shoulder. More sobs shook him as she held him, and his arms came around her waist, clutching her tightly.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered, “so sorry.” For messing up, for everything she’d done wrong, for what had happened to him. She murmured the words over and over again, although she knew they couldn’t begin to cover his loss. “I’m sorry I pressured you, sorry I made you remember.”

  After a while, he pulled back, straightening. “Fuck, I’m the one who’s sorry.” He was trying to compose himself, struggling to calm his breathing. “For dragging you into this. But I’m also glad you knew. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to tell you.”

  He drew another hitching breath and she tugged on his arm until he lay down on the bed.

  “I’m glad, too.” She curled next to him, stroking his face, from his cheekbones to the dimple in his chin, from his eyelids to his temples. “Tell me more.”

  He did. The words came haltingly at first, then poured out of him. As Rita had said, he didn’t remember the accident — only the storm that had seemed to come out of nowhere, the screams as the boat capsized and sank fast. He remembered drowning, trying to rise to the surface and not knowing where the surface was. Then a blank until he woke up in hospital, hooked to monitors. He’d been in a coma for three days. Panos had been there.

  “Why don’t you talk about it to Panos?” she whispered, not wanting to speak loudly and break the spell.

  “He can’t understand.” Kai cupped her cheek, his eyes glittering. “He doesn’t know what it means for the past to haunt you. How your mistakes chase you forever.”

  Like she did. He thought she’d understand how he felt.

  Maybe she did. He’d been in a horrible boat accident, and had survived where others hadn’t. Just like she’d survived when Andria hadn’t and for a long while she hadn’t been sure she was allowed to keep on living. Still...

  “The accident wasn’t your fault, Kai.”

  “Yes, it was. I angered the sea.” He swallowed hard. “Taunted her. My mom always said I belonged to the ocean. That day I shouted out loud that I would never return. That I would stay on land.”

  ‘If you anger the sea, you pay,’ Panos had said, and Kai knew it. He’d been only fooling around and believed he’d lost everything because of it. A week ago, hell two days ago, she’d have told him this was nonsense.

  And now? She had no idea anymore, so she just took his hand and squeezed it. “Not your fault,” she repeated, because this at least was clear. “You didn’t know this would happen. How could you have known?”

  She held him as he talked about how he’d returned to America after the accident and stayed with an uncle, gone back to school and continued for a while as if nothing had changed. His uncle traveled a lot. He lived out of town in a big estate. It was lonely. It was like purgatory — all that empty time to think and obsess about guilt and memories.

  One day nothing made sense anymore. Kai had snapped, hit his teacher, was expelled and sent by his uncle to a boarding school. Psychologists, therapists had been paid to help him, but it wasn’t working. He plodded through high school, barely graduated. Before the accident he’d wanted to study archaeology or literature, but afterward he’d picked a topic at random. He picked architecture. Failed the first semester. Failed the second. Insulted the professors, ruined the graduation party and was expelled.

  He decided to return to Crete, take some time and get a grip on himself. He’d hoped for answers, for closure. For anything than what he’d found. It had hurt when he discovered how much the locals loathed him, how they blamed him for the sinking of the boat and his continued survival.

  “Why don’t you leave?” she asked, caressing his face with a fingertip. “Go back home. This place is killing you.”

  “Home?” His mouth twisted. “I came here to see if the sea would have me, or leave me in peace, if the dead would take me. Now I don’t know what to do. I haven’t found any answers and there’s nothing for me in America.”

  “You have your uncle,” Olivia said.

  “He died before I finished school.”

  She grimaced. “Drowned?”

  “No.” Kai stared up at the ceiling and frowned. “Heart attack.”

  ‘I’m alone,’ he’d told her when she’d first arrived to Crete. She just hadn’t realized how much.

  “I’ll be there,” she said. “I told you, I’m planning on moving to New York to continue my studies.”

  He gazed at her searchingly. “Why?”

  She gave a small shrug. “I need to move on, let go of the past. It’d be great if you came with me.” Please, come with me. I’ll be alone, too, without you.

  He closed his eyes. “I can’t. She won’t let me.”

  The sea. “Panos says it’s magic. How can the spell be broken?” God, she never thought she’d be asking something like this.

  He huffed. “I’ve asked the professor who lives nearby. He promised he’d search for an answer, but the only thing he’s told me so far is what legend says.”

  “And what’s that?”

  Kai blinked and lifted his hand to her chin, tilting it up so he could look into her eyes. “The sea won’t let me go. I was born with the mark of the sea people.”

  She sat up, dislodging his hand. “Then where’s this mark? Show it to me.”

  “You can’t see it.”

  “How convenient.” Anger was building inside her. She poked a finger in his chest. “I only believe what I see.”

  “Then you
don’t believe in many things, do you?”

  She should have smacked him for this remark, but his smile was teasing, and how could she be mad at him after what he’d been through? After what he went through every single day. She should have been running away, he was right, but couldn’t. Didn’t want to.

  “No, I don’t believe in much,” she admitted. She bent over him. “But I think people can do things that seem impossible sometimes.”

  He shifted, put his hand behind her head and pulled her down to him. “Liv...” He kissed her hard, and she kissed him back, feeling the urgency in the lines of his body. If it was a distraction he was seeking, a moment of letting go, then he deserved it.

  He uncoiled and rolled on top of her, his hands burrowing under her blouse, and she lost the trail of her thoughts, caught in his caress. It all faded away — the fear, the worry, the sadness in a whirlwind of desire and need.

  She tore at his shorts, and he dragged her blouse over her head. She lifted her back to let him take off her bra, then shimmied out of her shorts and panties. It was like a fight — each trying to get closer to the other, skin to skin, closer, ever closer. His lips kissed her neck, his stubble scratched her face, his rough hands gripped her tightly. She could feel his heart beat against her. Too many layers, too much.

  Yet not enough.

  He finally slipped out of his shorts and shuddered as he pressed his length on her belly, hot and aroused.

  She couldn’t wait; she wanted him, wanted the physical connection. “Please,” she mumbled. “Now.”

  He seemed to understand, seemed to feel the same way. She heard the sound of a package ripped open, a few choice curses that made her smile, and then he lowered himself over her, stroking strands of hair off her sweaty face.

  He waited, as if for permission, his eyes utterly dark, the pupils blown. His chest rose and fell rapidly against her own.

  “Yes,” she whispered, lifting her face to kiss his lips. “Yes.”

  He pushed into her, his eyes dazed, his face twisting in pleasure so intense it almost looked like pain. She wrapped her legs around him, heat racing up her spine, and he gasped and bowed his head, rocking faster, taking her breath away. His back bowed, his teeth gritting, and for a moment silver streaked over his skin, grey scales like gems covering his arms and legs, and feathery fins jutting from his sides.

  “Oh god, Liv...” He jerked, his whole body shaking, and she had to close her eyes as fire ignited and erupted inside her, tearing her apart.

  ***

  Olivia blinked against the early morning light. Kai was grinning at her, just inches from her face.

  “Good morning,” he said brightly and brushed his mouth over her cheek. He drew back a little, his gaze moving from her mouth to her neck and lower. “God, I love your face, your breasts, your hips...”

  She hummed, groggy from sleep. “Only that?”

  “Your ass, your legs, your back...”

  “And here I thought you were going to say something profound.” She stuck her tongue out at him.

  He rolled on his back and she couldn’t help but stare at his lean chest and corded arms. “I love everything about you,” he breathed.

  She swallowed hard, suddenly lost for words. Inside she felt like she was melting into a puddle of joy. “You’re not so bad yourself,” she whispered and watched his mouth curve in a smile.

  She loved that smile. She loved him, oh god she did, but couldn’t say that — not now. Too soon. Besides, it couldn’t mean anything. Lust, worry, affection, those things had to be what she felt.

  Kirsten was right in that at least: she wanted so much to save him she’d do anything, and after what she’d seen — or what she’d thought she’d seen last night, the scales and fins, the colors changing on his body, she didn’t know what to believe anymore. So confused.

  Seemed to be a pattern, these days.

  He sat up, running a hand through his messy hair. “I need to shave.” He got up, moving gracefully, with the assurance of someone whose body is strong and primed. Like a wild animal, she thought, a wolf perhaps, or a lynx.

  But he didn’t belong on land. She thought of him gliding through the water, slicing through the waves, his hair a dark halo, bubbles escaping the corner of his mouth, and shivered.

  The nets whipped at the windows, and a smell of rain hung in the air. She perched on the edge of the bed, observing him as he spread white foam on his cheeks and throat and began to shave it off. Such a mundane male ritual in the crazy magic of his life.

  When he was done, he patted his face with a towel. He looked younger now. Boyish. He turned and grinned at her, making her heart skip a beat or two. “Will you come by later today?”

  He’d go swim and then head to the beach bar for work. It was as if last night hadn’t happened, the revelations and the breakdown she’d witnessed. All back in their box, because what could he do about it other than swim and talk to the sea, ask if she’d take him?

  Olivia nodded. “I’ll be there.”

  She wouldn’t give him up without a fight, she thought, even if it meant allowing herself to believe in magic and mermaids and water that slept and woke full of anger. “Be careful.”

  He frowned. “You too. Promise not to go—”

  “—to the mermaid bay. I promise, I said so.”

  He nodded, his brow evening out. “I couldn’t bear it,” he said. “If anything happened to you.”

  And you, she wanted to say, but that would mean asking him not to go out to the sea and she knew he’d say he couldn’t. Was it obsession? Was water like a drug to him and he couldn’t stay away?

  Whatever spell kept him bound to the water was strong. In the blood, Panos had said. She’d said they were all mad, and now she was going mad, too, because she couldn’t deny something odd was going on.

  He approached her, lifting a hand to cup her face. “Thank you,” he said, and before she could ask what for, he turned around and left the hut.

  ***

  “What do you want from him?” Olivia stood on the rocks of Kai’s beach, the sea spreading like liquid crystal around her. “Why won’t you let him go?”

  She was careful to keep some distance between her and the water. She couldn’t forget how that wave had grabbed her after she’d cursed the sea the last time.

  “There must be something you’ll accept to let him go free. I know he’s cute and you want him, but I don’t think he wants you.” She licked her lips, tasting salt. God, this was insane. “Bitch,” she whispered, and she thought the waves rose a little higher, white caps crowning them.

  “Maybe you’re not a bitch.” She gulped. “But don’t you think he should decide for himself whether he wants to become a fish or stay human?”

  A wave crashed on the rocks, spraying her. With a huff, she stepped back, wiping her face. “Listen. I’m only trying to understand, okay?”

  Another wave, bigger than the previous one, washed over her and she backed further away. Damn. She’d thought she was safe there. She’d checked her guide that morning at the hotel. Aegean, a sea famous for its capricious nature. The name was etymologically linked to the word ‘goat’ — the waves looked like jumping goats or the sea was a goat deity. Whatever.

  Stubborn as a goat, at any rate. Olivia resisted the urge to shake her fist at the heaving blue. “Stop spitting at me and give me a clue, will you? If he can’t break the spell, even if he wants to, I’ll do it for him. Tell me how.”

  She didn’t know what she’d expected. Maybe something more dramatic, like the last time, or a real answer. Maybe the sea would toss her something to use.

  In fact... maybe it already had.

  Olivia lifted her pendant, the mermaid scale. “Is this it? Did you give it to me?”

  Break the spell, Panos had said. Did he mean it literally? Break the connection?

  Well, what did she have to lose?

  She pulled the pebble off the chain and held it on her palm, seeing how the sun and the sea sent i
ridescent patterns across its surface. It was now sky blue. Azure. Full of secrets.

  The sea rippled, groaning low, as if waiting to see what she’d do. Sitting on her haunches, she set the pebble on the rock and cast around for something to use. A flat stone drew her gaze. She lifted it and brought it down on the pebble.

  Lightning struck the horizon, startling her. It branched into a flaming tree, glinting off the navy blue water.

  Gasping, she fell back. She glanced at the pebble. A fissure ran down its middle, going deep, revealing prismatic structures, shards of crystals. She grabbed it and checked the jagged line. The pebble wasn’t broken; only cracked.

  She lifted the flat stone again, ready to smash it to pieces.

  A huge wave rose from the depths of the sea, drawing her gaze, stopping her heart. The wave reared into a wall of glass, higher and higher, like a tsunami.

  Oh dear god. It was coming to kill her.

  Grabbing the cracked pebble, she shot to her feet and ran. She didn’t know exactly where she was going, only she was distancing herself as much as possible from the furious ocean. She scrambled up the winding path to Kai’s hut and from there she took the path toward the bay where the hotel was. Thorns scratching her legs, her breath coming in gasps, she reached the highest point and turned to look down.

  No sign of a wave.

  She blinked, panting. The sea was choppy, tipped with white, the wind ripping paths on its surface, but the wall of water she’d seen coming at her had vanished, swallowed back into the blue.

  What the hell. Was it her own irrational fear creating illusions? Hallucinations?

  Shaking all over, her heart banging in her chest, she headed for the hotel.

  ***

  “Liv!” Markus waved from the breakfast table. “Coffee?”

  “Yes, please.” She sat, drenched in sweat and salty water, the pebble still clutched in her hand.

  Kirsten bit into her croissant. “Alas, the storm is come again,” she quoted, her mouth full.