Dangerous to Know & Love

by Jane Harvey-Berrick

  Checking they weren’t being watched, she ran her hands over his tight butt and tucked them into the back pockets of his jeans.

  “See you later,” she whispered.

  Daniel shook his head and gave her a small smile. “Not tonight, baby doll. We’ve got a long ride tomorrow and I’m kinda wasted.”

  “But…”

  “Sleep well, baby,” he said, and kissed her forehead before disappearing into Harry’s room.

  Lisanne felt like crying.

  Chapter 18

  They’d been back at school for two weeks and Lisanne had hardly seen Daniel. She definitely didn’t consider a handful of texts a reasonable substitute. When she had seen him he’d been jumpy and short-tempered. Worse still, they hadn’t had sex even once, and although a couple of their make out sessions had got pretty heated, he’d always pulled back with an excuse that he had to be somewhere else.

  Lisanne was upset and confused.

  “I think he’s getting bored of me, Kirsty. He won’t talk about it and I don’t know what to do,” she confided one evening.

  “You need to spend some quality time with him, Lis. From what you’ve said about Thanksgiving, it was kind of heavy. You guys just need to relax, talk.”

  Lisanne rolled her eyes in frustration.

  “I know! But he hardly comes near me, and when he does, it’s almost always with other people around.”

  “So, don’t ask him, tell him. Plan a date – go out to dinner. Talk to him. But if it’s any consolation, Vin says he’s being weird with everyone.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, you know before Thanksgiving, the guys had all planned to go see that football thing after New Years? Yeah, well, he cancelled on that with no explanation, and you know what a big deal that was supposed to be.”

  Lisanne bit her lip, wondering if she dared voice what was really on her mind.

  “Um, you don’t think… do you think he’s seeing someone else?”

  Kirsty looked at her seriously. “What makes you say that?”

  “Well, a couple of times he’s gotten texts and he won’t say who they’re from, and he got all annoyed and defensive when I asked him. And one of his friends from Economics wanted to know where he was because he’d cut class. When I asked him, he flat out lied to me, and said he hadn’t cut any classes.”

  Kirsty wrinkled her nose in sympathy. “Did Roy or any of the guys say anything? Maybe he’s got shit going on at home?”

  Lisanne shook her head. “Roy said he didn’t know anything, but…”

  “But what?”

  “He mentioned that Daniel does this sometimes when he’s ‘stressed’.”

  Lisanne used air quotes to express what she thought of that comment.

  “Maybe he is… I mean, living with his brother… And hasn’t he got a big Math paper due or something?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe.”

  “Well,” Kirsty said slowly, “I wouldn’t normally suggest this, but in the circumstances…”

  “What?”

  “Get hold of his cellphone. Check his texts and emails. If something’s going on…”

  “I can’t do that!”

  “Lis, if he won’t talk to you, he’s not giving you much choice.” Kirsty shrugged. “That’s the way I see it.”

  Lisanne decided to give Daniel one more chance to talk to her – and if that didn’t work… ugh, she hated the thought of spying on him.

  Kirsty easily agreed to make herself absent on Friday evening. Lisanne had intended on telling Daniel the good news during their Business class that morning – but he was a no-show without even a text to explain his whereabouts. She didn’t know whether to be pissed or worried. She settled for both and texted him immediately.

  * L: where are you? Are you ok?

  I’m worried. LA xx*

  There was no reply even though she checked her phone continually during Professor Walden’s lecture.

  Finally, half way through lunch break, he replied.

  * D: I’m ok. *

  “That’s it?” said Kirsty, annoyed on Lisanne’s behalf. “‘I’m okay’? You totally have to text him back.”

  “And say what?” Lisanne sighed, trying to ignore Shawna’s smug expression.

  “Tell him he’s meeting you at the dorm, and to bring take-out. Then seduce him, and make him tell you everything. Use your feminine wiles.”

  Lisanne snorted. “Yes, because I have so many of those.”

  “We can work on that, girlfriend. Emergency shopping expedition.”

  “What?”

  “Don’t worry – I have Victoria’s Secret on speed dial.”

  Lisanne didn’t think she wasn’t joking. And when she found herself buying ridiculously expensive lingerie two hours later, she felt like she’d fallen down some weird damn rabbit hole in an alternate universe.

  She texted Daniel immediately she got home.

  * L: Dinner, my place 6:30. Bring Chinese : ) *

  But his answer wasn’t what she expected.

  * D: Busy tonight. Sorry. *

  * L: pouting – doing what? *

  * D: meeting old friend – don’t be mad *

  * L: why would I be mad? *

  * D: old girlfriend *

  “What?!” she screamed as her phone blinked at her innocently.

  * L: now I’m mad *

  * D: no need. Do something tomorrow? *

  * L: what do I do with my new

  Vic Secret panties and bra? *

  * D: you are killing me! *

  * L: shame to waste them.

  Maybe I’ll go out with K&V & guys tonight? *

  * D: don’t joke, baby doll. Make it up to you tomorrow. Promise. *

  * L: still pouting *

  * D: ( : *

  Despite Daniel’s promise, Lisanne was fed up, and she didn’t feel like staying in by herself. It was only two weeks before Christmas and one week before the end of the semester, and everywhere – except her dorm room – there was a party atmosphere in the air.

  Well, screw him. He was off seeing one of his (many) exes, she was damned if she was staying in on a Friday night, all pining and pathetic.

  She called Kirsty who told her where to meet them and to help herself to anything in her closet. Lisanne decided to do exactly that. Maybe Daniel wasn’t the only guy who’d think she was hot. Her heart sank at the thought, but she was determined to put on a brave face and party on – if people still did that.

  * * *

  By the time she was on her third cocktail, Lisanne realized they were far more alcoholic and less fruity than she’d realized. When her phone vibrated with a message, she nearly dropped it.

  * D: at your room. Where are you? Are you ok? *

  He really had a nerve. Dumping her for some other girl and then expecting her to wait in for him! She shoved her phone back in her bag and ignored it when another message came in, and then another.

  Kirsty threw her a curious look.

  “He can wait,” she said, and threw back another drink.

  “Atta girl!” shouted Isaac, and swallowed his fifth tequila.

  Two hours later, with her head swimming, Lisanne was remembering why she didn’t drink. Kirsty had put her in a taxi with a fierce message to the driver to make sure her friend got safely through the front door of the dorm rooms.

  Lisanne staggered out of the cab, cursing the high heels that were causing her to wobble and overbalance. Then she saw Daniel’s bike parked in its usual place and her stomach lurched unpleasantly.

  He was still here?

  Apprehension sobered her as she slowly trudged up the stairs to her room. She was sure seeing Daniel was going to mean a fight.

  He was hunched on the floor outside her door, the worried expression clearing as soon as he saw her.

  “Baby doll! Fuck, you scared the shit out of me! Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine, Daniel, thank you,” she slurred, her words therefore lacking the dignity with
which she’d hoped to imbue them.

  “Why didn’t you reply to my texts? I was imagining all kinds of shit.”

  He blinked, studying her face and taking in her swaying body for the first time.

  “Are you drunk?”

  “I might be. Why shouldn’t I? You dumped me on a Friday night to see an old girlfriend.”

  His face tightened perceptibly.

  “What the fuck does that mean?”

  “You’re smart, Daniel. You work it out.”

  She fumbled trying to get her key to fit in the lock that for some bizarre reason had shrunk and kept sliding around. He took the key out of her hand, and opened the door for her.

  Even though she hadn’t invited him, he walked in behind her and quietly poured her a glass of water.

  “Drink this. You’ll feel better.”

  She ignored the proffered glass.

  “Why are you here? Are you checking up on me?”

  His face was immediately angry. “I wanted to see you. I guess the feeling isn’t mutual.”

  “If you wanted to see me, maybe you shouldn’t have gone out with another girl.”

  “She’s an old friend, that’s all. Don’t be so fucking paranoid.”

  “Fuck you!” she screamed, ripping off her t-shirt and skimpy skirt, revealing a set of pretty underwear in deep jade green. “I did all this for you, but you were too busy seeing an old girlfriend.”

  And she burst into tears, furious that liquor and anger had robbed her of coherence.

  She threw herself onto the bed, crying out her frustration.

  Without speaking, Daniel sat down next to her and stroked her hair. Suddenly, she sat up and pressed herself against his chest and tried to kiss him.

  He pulled away from her and held her arms firmly.

  “I’m not going to fuck you when you’re drunk, Lis.”

  “How noble!” she spat, tearing her arms free.

  He scrubbed his hands over his face.

  “Do you want me to go?”

  “Yes!” She hesitated, “No.”

  Some indefinable emotion flitted across his face.

  “Come on, baby doll, let’s get you into bed.”

  He pulled a t-shirt out of the chest of drawers, raising an ironic eyebrow when he recognized it as one of his own. He helped her into it, and unhooked her bra with one hand, slipping the shoulder straps through the sleeve holes and sliding it off in a smooth, practiced move.

  Lisanne wondered fleetingly if he had a lot of experience undressing drunken girls. Probably, her unhappy heart told her.

  She lay back on her bed, and found that the room was spinning. Was that supposed to happen?

  “My head hurts,” she mumbled, but he couldn’t hear her and then she passed out.

  In the darkest hour before dawn, Lisanne woke up.

  Her head was pounding and her mouth was as dry as Death Valley. From the foul taste, it was quite possible something had died there, too. She sat up slowly and saw Daniel lying on his side next to her, sound asleep. She stood up carefully, staggering slightly and headed for the bathrooms. Then she saw his phone blinking in the dark, and Kirsty’s words came back to her.

  Before she thought through what she was doing, she swept it up and hurried out of the door. The bathroom was just down the hall and empty at that time of night – day – whatever it was. Stumbling and feeling sick, Lisanne slumped down into one of the cubicles and held Daniel’s phone in her trembling hands.

  The new text was the first one she saw. It was from someone called ‘Cori’. And when she scrolled through, she saw several more messages from her. The rest were from Zef and Vin, a couple from Harry – which annoyed her as neither of them had seen fit to mention that they’d stayed in touch – and the rest were from her.

  Zef’s messages were surprisingly prosaic: all about bills that needed paying to avoid utilities being cut off. That must be worrying him but was something else that he’d never mentioned. Vin’s were about arranging dates to meet up, most of which Daniel seemed to have cancelled.

  So she opened Cori’s messages, and her world shattered.

  * C: You should tell her *

  * C: When are you going to tell her? *

  * C: This is a mistake. We both know it. Miss you *

  He’d only sent one reply to the three messages, but it was enough.

  * D: she doesn’t need to know.

  I want this. You know why *

  Her hands shook as her finger hovered over the latest message – the one that had arrived while they’d slept. If she opened it, it would be obvious she’d been snooping. She just wasn’t sure she cared anymore.

  * C: You sure know how to show a girl a good time!! : ) xx *

  Lisanne turned and threw up into the toilet bowl. She felt sick and shivery. How long? That was the thought that shuddered through her brain. How long had Daniel been cheating on her?

  She looked at the messages again. He’d sent a text to ‘Cori’ the day they’d got back from her parents – before she’d even finished unpacking, before she’d had a chance to show Kirsty the locket he’d given her.

  * D: I need to see you tonight, 7. Usual place. *

  By the time she’d stopped throwing up and felt brave enough to go back to her room, she was chilled to the bone and her head throbbed unforgivingly. But it was her chest that hurt the most. Her heart ached with his loss, even though he was still sleeping in her bed.

  He was curled up on his side just as she’d left him, his right arm stretched out as if he were reaching for her. His golden skin seemed silvery in the morning light and his tattoos had dissolved into shades of gray. His long lashes fanned his cheeks and his lips were parted in a small pout as his chest lifted in deep, even breaths. In sleep he looked so innocent, and it was hard for Lisanne to believe the evidence of the text messages she’d read. She’d so badly wanted to believe in him. Her heart tore a little more as she stared at him sleeping peacefully, caught out in a lie.

  His eyelids fluttered and opened, and she saw the exact moment consciousness returned.

  “Hey, baby doll,” he said, sounding groggy. “Are you okay? Bet you’ve got a killer headache,” and he smiled at her crookedly.

  “I want you to go,” she said.

  He frowned and rubbed his eyes. “Say that again, baby?”

  She stepped nearer to him and tossed his phone onto the bed.

  “I want you to go.”

  She enunciated each word clearly and carefully.

  Confused, he stared first at the phone, then at her.

  “What?”

  “Go!” she hissed at him. “Go! Get out!”

  Shock passed over his face and his eyes flickered back to his phone.

  “Baby doll…”

  “Don’t call me that! You don’t get to call me that! Get out, Daniel! Just go!”

  “Lis, please, baby. It’s not what you think.”

  She turned her back on him, then changed her mind. She walked over to the bed in two long strides and slapped his face hard.

  He must have seen the blow coming but he didn’t even try to stop her.

  He stared at her for a moment as his cheek was stained red, then swung out of the bed and pulled on his jeans and t-shirt. He didn’t even wait to fasten the buckles on his boots before he slammed the door behind him.

  Lisanne collapsed onto the bed, tears choking her. Outside her window, she heard Sirona roar into life.

  Several hours later, Kirsty found her, still curled up under her duvet, her eyes red, and all cried out.

  “Oh, honey. I’m so sorry,” she said.

  Kirsty’s kindness brought on a fresh bout of tears.

  * * *

  The last week of the semester was horrible. Despite the Christmas decorations, the cards, gifts and last minute holiday shopping, Lisanne felt empty. Everywhere on campus reminded her of him: the lecture halls, the quad, the library, the cafeteria – even the fitness center because he’d talked so often about w
orking-out there. The only saving grace was that nobody had seen Daniel. He seemed to have dropped off the face of the earth. Lisanne tried very hard not to care, but she was lying to herself.

  Kirsty encouraged her to come out and enjoy the seasonal festivities, but Lisanne didn’t have it in her. Even her final gig of the year with 32o North seemed featureless, and she knew her singing was below par. Roy said he hadn’t seen Daniel but Lisanne suspected he was lying, and JP hadn’t been able to meet her eyes. Only Mike acknowledged that he’d seen him, and reading between the lines, Lisanne suspected that Daniel had been drunk, or stoned, or both.

  On Friday morning, the last day before the Christmas break, they received their grade for the business studies assignment. Professor Walden had awarded Lisanne and Daniel’s paper ‘A’, with the word ‘excellent!’ scrawled across the top. Lisanne stared at the paper but Daniel wasn’t there, and it seemed meaningless.

  After the final class of the day and the year, Lisanne went to her room to pack. The last time she’d had to do that, she’d been heading for home, excited because Daniel was making the journey with her. Now, a few short weeks later, well, she didn’t feel like celebrating.

  Kirsty walked in looking flushed and happy. She was spending Christmas with her parents and then flying out to Aspen to spend New Years skiing with Vin and his family.

  “Hey, roomie,” she said. “How are you?”

  Lisanne shrugged. “Okay, I guess.”

  Kirsty looked at her sympathetically. “It’ll get better – I promise. Oh, hey, you got mail.”

  Lisanne glanced without interest at the envelope Kirsty had dropped onto her bed. Then her eyes took in the scrawled handwriting and her stomach lurched. She’d seen it enough times as she’d studied in the library.

  “What’s the matter?” said Kirsty, her blue eyes concerned.

  “It’s from Daniel.”

  She held the letter as if it might explode, or hiss at her, or burn her fingers – maybe hurt her heart even more than he already had.

  “Do you want me to open it?”

  Lisanne shook her head. She sat on her bed, leaning against the headboard, and tore the envelope, pulling out a single sheet of lined paper. She wasn’t sure what to expect: an apology, an attempt to rationalize his cheating, perhaps? But she was wrong, in every possible way.