Dangerous to Know & Love

by Jane Harvey-Berrick

  He grinned.

  “Good,” then his smile faded and he looked uncertain.

  It wasn’t a look she associated with Daniel – it worried her.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “So, um, I have my first tuning session on Thursday.”

  “Okay,” she said carefully.

  “They’ll fix me up with the transmitter and processor…” He took a deep breath. “I was wondering… do you want to go with me? I mean, you don’t have to… if it’s too weird…”

  “Oh,” she said, swallowing with difficulty. “Oh! Yes, of course I’ll go with you.”

  “You will?”

  “Yes, idiot!”

  “Okay.”

  “Okay!”

  He pulled her onto his chest and she lay there listening to the steady, even beat of his strong silent heart.

  Chapter 24

  Daniel was jittery. He wondered if it had been a mistake asking Lisanne to come with him to the clinic. But there was no backing out now. Where he was reluctant and dragging his weary ass, she was eager and almost fucking skipping along.

  Even some very hot wake-up sex hadn’t put him in a better mood, and that shit was just wrong. Wake-up sex put everyone in a good mood, didn’t it?

  He tried to ignore Lisanne’s high spirits, but every time he looked away, she tugged his arm to make him look at puppies or balloons, or who knew what crappy happy shit. And he really wanted a smoke.

  They walked past a guy who was pulling a cigarette from a new packet, and Daniel seriously thought about mugging him for his Marlboro’s – a brand he hated.

  He stopped abruptly outside the entrance to the hospital, and Lisanne almost crashed into him.

  “Just… give me a minute, baby doll,” he grit out, trying to calm his breathing.

  She reached up and held his face, cupping his cheeks with gentle fingers. “It’s going to be fine,” she said, placing a soft kiss on his lips. “It’s going to be good.”

  He gave a staccato nod, took a deep breath, and opened the door.

  Lisanne walked through, then turned to look at him. She held out her hand and he took it, grateful for the contact.

  He was checked in at reception, and they were pointed toward the waiting room. He hated waiting rooms. He hated waiting, period.

  They’d been sitting for less than a minute and his leg was bouncing up and down so hard that he could feel the vibrations in his teeth.

  Lisanne rested her hand on his knee, soothing him.

  “It’ll be fine,” she said again, chanting out the words as if they were a talisman against every evil.

  He didn’t feel fucking fine. He felt sick to his stomach. What if, after all this shit, what if it didn’t work? He’d read the statistics, he’d read every online blog and account that he’d been able to find. He knew the implants didn’t work well for everyone, a minority perhaps, but the way his damn luck was going, he’d be that minority.

  He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees, and let his head hang down.

  Please let this fucking work.

  Lisanne tapped his arm gently and he looked up.

  A woman was standing in front of him smiling. Oh yeah, what was her name?

  “Samantha. How are you?”

  S: Good, thanks. You?

  D: Okay.

  S: I was hoping you’d get in touch.

  D: Been busy.

  S: So I see! Is this your girlfriend?

  D: Yes. L-I-S-A-N-N-E.

  “Lis, this is Samantha. She’s had the CI, too.”

  “Oh, hi,” said Lisanne, scanning Samantha quickly, then she remembered to make the correct sign.

  S: She’s the musician?

  D: Yes.

  S: Are you here for your tuning session?

  “Yeah, first one.”

  S: You look a bit nervous. That’s why I came over. But it’ll be worth it. I promise.

  “Yeah, I hope so.”

  Daniel’s name flashed up.

  “That’s me.”

  D: Take care. Bye.

  S: Bye.

  Lisanne waved awkwardly, smiling nervously at the attractive older woman.

  “What did she say?”

  Daniel was clearly distracted, but his thoughts weren’t running in Samantha’s direction.

  “What? Oh, yeah, she said it would be worth it.”

  His mouth tightened into a flat line.

  Lisanne held his hand as she walked into the consulting room with him.

  Dr. Palmer was there, which reassured them both.

  “Hey, doc,” croaked Daniel, his throat inexplicably dry. “Um, Lis, this is Dr. Palmer. Doc, this is my girlfriend, Lisanne Maclaine.”

  “Miss Maclaine, a pleasure to meet you again.”

  Daniel frowned. Again?

  “Hello,” Lisanne said shyly, shaking his hand.

  “And this is my colleague Dr. Devallis – she’s your audiologist, and will oversee the tuning today. I just wanted to check that you hadn’t had any problems with the implant.”

  “Yeah, it’s okay,” said Daniel. “I can feel it when I swallow which is a bit weird.”

  “He got into a fight,” said Lisanne, suddenly.

  Daniel gave her an annoyed look, and she looked a little disconcerted.

  “A fight?” Dr. Palmer echoed, his eyes flicking between Daniel and Lisanne. “Was there any damage to your head?”

  “No,” said Daniel.

  “Yes,” said Lisanne.

  “For fuck’s sake!” Daniel growled, irritated beyond belief. “The bastard stamped on my ribs – my head is fine!”

  “He hit you on the left side of your head and one of the stitches split open,” Lisanne said in a defiant tone, crossing her arms over her chest.

  “Well, I’ll just have a quick look,” said Dr. Palmer. “When did this happen?”

  “The night before Christmas Eve,” said Lisanne, softly.

  Daniel tore off his beanie and stuffed it in his pocket. The doctor probed the wound but Daniel didn’t move a muscle.

  “Well, it seems to be fine,” Dr. Palmer said at last. “But I really can’t recommend getting into fights.”

  “Believe me, doc,” said Daniel, dryly, “it’s not my idea of fun.”

  “Hmm, well. Do try and protect your head. Are you still riding your motorcycle?”

  “Hell, yes!”

  The doctor sighed. “And what about football?”

  Daniel frowned. “What about it?”

  “Ah…?” Dr. Palmer looked at his notes. “I thought you played football – quarterback, wasn’t it?”

  “Was, doc, was.”

  Dr. Palmer met Daniel’s gaze. “You don’t play anymore?”

  Daniel shifted uncomfortably in his chair while everyone stared at him. He felt Lisanne’s small fingers on his hand.

  “I played at high school – a special school. I didn’t try out for the college team.”

  “Mr. Colton, we have anti discrimination laws these days,” said the doctor patiently. “Besides, there are some excellent helmets out there that would protect your implant, and…”

  Daniel interrupted him, tetchily. “I know all that, doc. Give me a fucking break.”

  Lisanne swatted his arm.

  “Sorry,” Daniel mumbled.

  “Well,” said Dr. Devallis, raising her eyebrows, “I’m going to talk to you about the external pieces of the device that you’ll need. It’s been charged up overnight, so it’s ready to go.”

  “I’ll leave you to it,” said Dr. Palmer, shaking hands with Daniel and Lisanne. “Let my office know if you have any problems.”

  “Yeah, thanks, doc.”

  Dr. Palmer left the room and the audiologist smiled at them. She pulled open the square box that was lying on the desk in front of her.

  Inside was a round piece of plastic the size and shape of a quarter, attached by a five inch wire to something that could be mistaken for a cool, new iPod – maybe.

 
“Okay, first things first.”

  She spoke slowly and clearly, showing Lisanne as well as to Daniel.

  “This is where the power cell goes. It’s a rechargeable battery – most people charge it up while they’re sleeping. This part here,” she tapped the plastic body, “this is the processor and just above it is the built-in TeleCoil. The hook part here, that’s called the Microphone Auxiliary Earhook. The main microphone is up here on the top. Now, to the parts you really need to know. This is the LED status light and just below is the volume control.”

  “What’s that switch?” said Lisanne.

  “That’s the program switch. You use it to change between different environments – for general use, when it’s very noisy and so on. And this piece contains the transmitter and magnet.”

  Daniel looked at Lisanne’s face. She seemed completely absorbed in what she was being told.”

  “Ready to try it?” said Dr. Devallis.

  Daniel swallowed and nodded.

  The doctor placed the unit behind Daniel’s left ear and clipped the magnet at the side of his head. Lisanne was fascinated to see it staying in place.

  “A second magnet was placed under the skin during surgery,” explained Dr. Devallis.

  “Oh, right. Of course,” Lisanne stuttered.

  Daniel’s eyes flicked across to her.

  “Okay, here we go.”

  The doctor turned to her computer screen then looked back to Daniel.

  “We’ll stimulate each electrode along the array, one at a time. That way we can find the lowest level of current needed for you to just barely hear a sound – that’s the sound threshold. Then we find the upper level of stimulation by raising the current to find a level that is comfortably loud. Then it’s a case of balancing the level of current across all electrodes. Daniel, you’ll hear a series of beeps now.”

  She pressed some keys on her computer.

  “Fuck!” said Daniel, his hand automatically flying up to his ear, his hazel eyes open wide.

  “You’re doing fine,” said the doctor, soothingly.

  Daniel glanced up at Lisanne, and saw her brush away tears. She gave him a thumbs up and a big, hopeful smile.

  The doctor pressed another key and Daniel blinked. It was the weirdest feeling. It wasn’t sound as he remembered it – but it was sound.

  “This will take a little time to get right,” said the doctor. “Just bear with us. Your aural rehabilitation won’t be instant – as I’m sure you’re tired of people telling you. Okay, I’m mapping the process for you. Imagine an electric organ keyboard: each electrode will play a particular ‘note’. There’ll be a lot of fine-tuning involved.”

  Dr. Devallis spent the next 40 minutes trying out different levels of sound. Finally, she deliberately turned away from Daniel.

  “Can you hear what I’m saying?”

  She waited and Daniel frowned. Then she turned to face him and repeated the words.

  “Can you hear what I’m saying?”

  Daniel stared at her.

  “Um, there’s something. It’s like… fuck, I don’t know… ducks quacking maybe?”

  The doctor nodded and smiled. “Good, we’re getting there.” She made some more adjustments. “The sound will seem odd until you get used to it. Most people describe it as ‘mechanical’ or ‘synthetic’. But don’t worry – that perception will change over time. Okay, let’s try and broaden the range.”

  Daniel glanced at Lisanne, who looked like she was holding her breath.

  “Breathe, baby doll! I don’t want you passing out – even if we are in a hospital.”

  She rolled her eyes but he saw her take a deep breath. Having her there was immense. He’d have run the fuck out by now like some pussy, if she hadn’t been there.

  Dr. Devallis smiled. “How does this sound?” and she pressed some more keys on her computer.

  Daniel concentrated. “It’s sort of… muffled… like I’m underwater or something…”

  “Okay, that’s good. You’re doing fine. As your brain adjusts and learns a complete sound picture, it will begin to sound more natural. It’ll be tiring at first, but it’ll get easier.”

  For another hour, she tested a range of sounds until Daniel looked exhausted. Lisanne had to stop him from rubbing his head.

  “You’ve done really well for a first day,” said Dr. Devallis at last. “You have an appointment scheduled for tomorrow afternoon – we’ll do some more work then. Okay?”

  Daniel nodded tiredly.

  “I want you to practice wearing the processor and transmitter for an hour this evening. Don’t try too much – no TV or radio – just talking, okay?”

  Daniel nodded again, feeling like he wanted to rip the fucking thing from his head. His scalp felt raw where the transmitter was attached, and his head was aching.

  He couldn’t get out of the hospital fast enough. He felt Lisanne pulling on his sleeve.

  “Daniel?”

  “I just need… let’s get the fuck out, Lis. I just…”

  Her fingers wrapped around his hand and they walked back to Sirona without speaking. Daniel passed her the helmet and pulled on his own.

  He was trying to process how it all felt and he needed silence. The fucking irony.

  The morning had felt unreal. He couldn’t explain the sensation as the implant was stimulated – the sound didn’t fit with any of his memories. He knew it was too early to be disappointed, but the overwhelming feeling was there anyway. He couldn’t get past the idea that he had a chunk of metal in his head. He’d almost been able to ignore it after the operation, but feeling it working, it freaked him out. And the way it felt having the transmitter stuck on his head. A shudder went through him.

  Instinctively, he knew he needed something familiar, and he headed for the diner, driving faster than was legally permitted. Lisanne’s hands tightened around his waist and he didn’t know if it was from fear, but he slowed fractionally.

  He’d just pulled off his helmet when his stomach sank to his boots. Fuckin’ luck that she was here. What were that chances?

  Daniel felt Lisanne lace her fingers through his.

  “Are you okay?” she said, anxiously scanning his face.

  “I think we should go somewhere else.”

  “Why?”

  He pulled a face. “Cori’s here. That’s her car.”

  “Why don’t you want us to meet?” she said, tightly. “You said you’d introduce us.”

  Her expression was challenging and Daniel immediately felt his hackles rising.

  “Because I can’t take any more fucking drama right now, Lis, and you look like you want to start yanking her hair.”

  Lisanne snorted. She was hardly the violent type, although…

  “I promise I’ll be on my best behavior with your ex-girlfriend,” she said, drawing a cross over her heart. Then she felt guilty seeing how stressed he was. “Hey, don’t worry! Honestly, I won’t start anything.”

  He closed his eyes and shook his head slowly.

  Lisanne stood on tiptoe and kissed him lightly. “Honestly.”

  He gave her a tight smile and made sure his beanie was firmly in place. They walked to the diner together and he opened the door for her.

  Cori had already seen them and was sitting with her arms folded, and silent, which was never a good combination in Daniel’s experience.

  He took a deep breath and walked forward.

  C: Hi, stranger!

  D: Hi. This is L.I.S.A.N.N.E.

  “Lis, this is Cori.”

  Lisanne used the only sign language she knew. Hello.

  C: Can you sign?

  D: No. She just knows ‘hello’.

  C: She’s cute. Not your usual type.

  D: Don’t start.

  C: Who me?

  Daniel raised his eyebrows then turned to Lisanne, who was looking lost.

  “She thinks you’re cute.”

  “Oh!” Lisanne blushed. “That’s nice of her to say that, be
cause she’s gorgeous.”

  C: ‘Gorgeous’?! I like her.

  “She likes you,” he said, to Lisanne.

  The two women smiled cautiously at each other, and Daniel rubbed his head.

  “Can you lip read?” Lisanne asked Cori.

  Daniel watched the reply. “She can but she says it’s tiring. She prefers to sign.”

  “Oh, okay.”

  Lisanne saw him rubbing his head again and she caught his hand. “Does it hurt?”

  “Headache,” he said, shortly.

  C: From the CI?

  D: Yes.

  C: How does it feel?

  D: Weird. I don’t know. Bit sore.

  C: Can you hear?

  D: Not much. They say it’ll get better.

  C: So you’ll be one of them now?

  “Fuck off,” Daniel said, without much heat.

  Lisanne looked shocked.

  “She’s being a pain in the ass,” he said, jerking his head at Cori who simply smiled back beatifically.

  “What did she say?”

  “Leave it, Lis.”

  “No! What did she say? Was it about me?”

  “Fuck. She said, ‘Are you one of them now?’ Okay?”

  Lisanne frowned. “What does she mean?”

  Daniel rubbed his eyes. “She thinks I’ll be part of the hearing world now and I won’t want anything to do with… other deaf people. She doesn’t get that I’ll still be deaf – that this,” he pointed to his head, “is just another tool. But it’s not like being a hearing person.” He looked at Lisanne. “I’m not sure you get that either. This is for life, Lis. I’ll never be like you.”

  Lisanne’s eyes filled with tears as his voice began to rise.

  “I know,” she whispered.

  Cori kicked him under the table.

  C: You’re being an asshole. You’ve made her cry.

  Daniel stood up abruptly and walked out, leaving Cori and Lisanne staring at each other. Cori reached across the table and touched the back of Lisanne’s hand, smiling sadly.

  Lisanne swallowed and felt her lips twitch upwards. It was the best either of them could manage.

  Daniel was sitting on the curb, his head in his hands. When he felt someone rub his arm, he didn’t need to look up to know it was Lisanne.

  She touched his cheek and he leaned into her. She ran her finger along his lips and he kissed it gently.

  “Fuck, sorry,” he said.