Tracie Peterson - [New Mexico Sunset 04]

by Come Away, My Love

  “No doubt Joseph had his moments just like the rest of us. He probably wondered if he was making enough money to support a wife and eventually a family. He probably felt concerned about the condition of his home and business. Maybe the roof leaked, and he wondered how he was going to get everything fixed up before Mary came to live there.” The congregation had smiled at this and John could not help but smile now as he remembered it.

  “But,” Uncle David’s words continued to come back to John, “Joseph was to receive a bigger concern. Joseph was given a shock that must have come pretty hard to deal with. He was going to be a father. A father of a child he knew nothing about. A father of a child that was not his flesh and blood and had not come out of his doing.”

  John looked back at the Bible. If Joelle were expecting a child, it would be the same for him. He was engaged to marry Joelle, and the child would not be of his doing.

  “But Mary carried the Son of God,” John said defensively. “Of course, Joseph could accept that. He wouldn’t have to deal with wondering whose Child it was, and Mary certainly didn’t have to face the retribution. . .” John’s words fell silent. Maybe he was wrong.

  It was entirely possible that Mary had suffered just as Joelle might be, if she were expecting a child without a husband. Surely there were those who did not believe Mary’s explanation. Even Joseph had to be convinced by an angel of God before he found peace of heart in the matter.

  “There must have been those who scoffed at them,” John thought aloud sadly. He pictured the young couple who must have faced the doubtful faces of disbelievers. “But You would have protected them,” John added thoughtfully. “You knew ahead of time how folks would react, and You gave Your Son, even knowing that eventually people would kill Him. If You didn’t spare Your own Son, Jesus, from the persecution and ugliness of this world, how can I expect that You would keep it from me or Joelle?”

  John’s sudden revelation made him feel ashamed. “Forgive me, Father,” he said with tears brimming his eyes. “Forgive me for the prideful selfishness of my thoughts. It would be no fault of the babe, should Joelle bring a child into this world. I love her, Father. I love my beloved Joelle, and I can love any child she bears.”

  A peace washed over John like a flood and, with it, he washed away the bitterness of his past. How could he hold onto the regret and pain and embrace the future with the hope that God had planted in his heart?

  

  Father Cooper was on his knees in prayer when John came into the room. He started to back out the door, but the priest looked up at him with such expectation in his eyes that John froze in place. The unspoken question in Father Cooper’s eyes prompted John to speak.

  “I love her. It doesn’t matter what’s happened. I will always love her, and I want her for my wife.”

  “And if there is a child?” Father Cooper questioned.

  “It doesn’t matter,” John insisted.

  “You can love this child and raise it for your own?”

  “It will be my own,” John said confidently. “Any child Joelle bears, will share my name and my love.”

  Father Cooper crossed himself and, with a smile, got slowly to his feet. “Then there is something we must talk about.”

  John looked quizzically at the priest and cocked his head to one side. “What is it?”

  “Come.” The old man put his arm around John’s shoulder. “I must tell you news of our Joelle.”

  Chapter 14

  Joelle moved slowly under the growing weight of her child. In another month, she would deliver the baby. By her best estimations, Joelle figured the child was due around Christmas.

  She finished tidying the tiny church and took herself to Father Cooper’s quarters. He was due back today, and Joelle was quite happy for this. She had missed the old man and his company. He had helped her through so many hardships, and yet Joelle knew she could not expect him to be responsible for her future needs.

  Seeing the low supply of mesquite wood, Joelle went outside to bring in an armful. She had steadily added to the stack throughout the summer months, and even though November had been very warm during the day, nighttime cold required a fire.

  She wiped sweat from her forehead and bent over to retrieve the gnarled sticks of mesquite. The baby kicked in protest, and Joelle rubbed her hand lightly across her stomach. She was growing used to the idea of motherhood, and although she still feared the outcome and their future, Joelle felt God had given her a love for the child.

  She refused, however, to consider the matter further than the baby itself. She could not bring herself to wonder about its father or how she would provide for its care. She could not allow herself the memory of John’s love and their planned marriage because it hurt too much to realize what she had lost.

  Gathering the sticks, Joelle sighed deeply. So much would change when the baby arrived. She had to make plans, and all her considerations led her in the way of leaving Father Cooper’s little community.

  If I stay, she reasoned to herself, he will only feel obligated to provide for us, and there is little enough for him. The people here are generous and would gladly help, but how fair is it for me to thrust my burdens upon them? No, Joelle thought, I must go. But where?

  She had given considerable thought to the matter. She knew the best choice was to contact her parents and go home. They would love her despite the child she carried, and knowing her mother as she did, Joelle knew that the child would also be loved. Still, it was hard to face the idea. Once she went home, John would no doubt learn of her whereabouts and come to her.

  “Oh, John,” she whispered, straightening under the load of wood. She wondered where he was and if he had ever recovered from his injuries. Nightly, she prayed for him, but never did she allow herself to linger on his memory. It was simply more than she could bear.

  “If I go home, can I keep you from coming to me?” she wondered aloud.

  The day’s heat continued, and Joelle was exhausted from her tasks. She had replenished the wood supply, beaten the sand from all of the rugs, and seen to it that a pot of beans sat soaking on the stove. Should Father Cooper not return until tomorrow, Joelle reasoned that she would cook the beans for herself.

  Taking off the scarf she had worn on her head, Joelle dabbed at the sweat on her neck and brow. The aching in her back was fierce, and she longed to rest. Perhaps a short nap was in line, she thought. Seeing that nothing else could be done for Father Cooper, Joelle took herself home and stretched out on her own bed.

  Her furnishings were simple, even stark, especially in contrast to that which she had known growing up. She thought again of going home to her parents in Kansas City. Memories drifted through her mind of times spent in the huge house she had shared with her brothers and sister. She had had everything a child could want and, being the youngest, she had been spoiled beyond reason.

  Clothes were her passion, she remembered with a smile. Her closets were overflowing with the latest fashions in an array of colors and materials. Now, she wore simple, peasant clothes and, running her hand down over the oversized blouse, Joelle laughed out loud. Her friends would never recognize the woman she had become.

  The thought of her friends brought to mind other things. She recalled dances and parties and games of lawn tennis. There was always something going on. She had enjoyed wealth and affluence, yet her parents had seen to it that her values were not placed in money and things. She had matured with the notion that money was only good so long as it was being used to benefit and not harm. Things could not buy peace of mind, Joelle knew. Just as money and things could not help her now.

  She faded off to sleep thinking on these things, but the simple peace was again taken from her when images of the attack rose up to haunt her.

  Joelle could smell the smoke and the foul stench of her attackers. It always started that w
ay, and it seemed as though it always would. She struggled to refuse the memories, but her mind was not willing to let the scene pass. Tossing and turning, fighting the attack in her sleep, Joelle opened her mouth to scream and felt strong arms encircle her.

  Joelle slapped at the hands that sought her. She battled with their hold and tried to move away. She suddenly realized in sheer terror, that the hands that held her were not merely conjured in sleep, but were very real.

  Her eyes snapped open in horror. The image before her was one of her attackers, and she reached out with her hands to push away the man before her.

  “Joelle, wake up. Joelle, it’s me.” John called to her over and over, knowing that she was lost in her nightmare.

  Joelle heard the words, but it was the voice that caused her to still. She knew that voice. Squeezing her eyes closed, Joelle concentrated on the sound.

  “Joelle, my beloved.” The voice sounded again.

  “John,” she whispered and opened her eyes to the vision of his face.

  “Yes, it’s me, Joelle,” he said with a softness that melted away her fears.

  Joelle allowed him to hold her for a moment as her mind struggled to comprehend his appearance.

  John thought his heart would break at the look of fear in her eyes. Father Cooper had so kindly brought him to her, but when he had first laid eyes on her sleeping face, John knew the anguish of her attack was still a very real presence in her life.

  He had watched her wrestle with her fears, and when it seemed that the nightmare might best her, he could not resist pulling her into his arms. How could he have known that she would feel only more frightened by the action? He was still pondering this and wondering what he should do, when Joelle suddenly pushed him away.

  “Get out of here, John. I don’t know how you found me, but I want you to leave.” The realization that he was here and that he knew her condition was more than Joelle could deal with.

  John stared at her in confusion for a moment. “Joelle, don’t be afraid. I’ve come to take you home. I’ve come to make you my wife.”

  Joelle shook her head and pushed at him with all of her strength. “Go away!” Her voice sounded strange to her. “Get out! I don’t want you here! I don’t want you to see me like this!”

  “It’s all right, Joelle. I love you.”

  She sobered for a moment. “I said the same to you once, after the accident. You told me to go away then and I’m telling you to leave now. You remember the pain. Don’t be so cruel as to stay.”

  John reached out slowly to take her hand. “I remember.”

  Joelle felt his touch and tried to recoil. When he would not allow her to move from his grip, Joelle looked down at his hand as it lay against her swollen abdomen.

  “We have to talk, Joelle. I’ve missed you so much, and I’ve searched for you so very long. Don’t try to make me go without even letting me tell you my heart.”

  Joelle felt her body begin to tremble. She was acutely aware of John’s surprise when the baby kicked against their hands. Her eyes looked up to catch his expression of wonder.

  “No,” she said in a wavering voice. “You have to go.”

  “Joelle,” the gentle voice of Father Cooper sounded from the doorway.

  Looking up at the old man, Joelle was torn between a feeling of happiness at his return and betrayal for the man he had obviously brought with him. Her questioning gaze caused him to step forward.

  “You should at least hear out what your young man has to say, no? He has journeyed far and suffered much for his love of you.”

  Joelle moved her glance from Father Cooper to John and back again. “He should have never come.”

  “But he did,” the priest reminded. “The very least you can do is listen to him. He isn’t here to harm you, Joelle. You know that as well as I do.”

  Joelle swallowed hard and tried to still her fears. “Very well. I will listen to him.”

  Father Cooper nodded. “I will be seeing to my flock.”

  He left the room as quietly as he had entered, and Joelle returned her eyes to John. “You should have never come.”

  John grinned. “Just like you should have never come to Columbus when I crashed the Jenny.”

  “That was different.”

  John shook his head. “I didn’t want you to be there, just as you don’t want me here. Yet,” he smiled even broader, “we both know I was just being stubborn and that I was really glad to see you. What of you, Joelle? Aren’t you really glad to see me?”

  “It doesn’t matter,” Joelle stated in a quiet, reserved manner.

  “I believe it does.”

  “Well, I don’t!” her voice sounded harsh. “If I’d wanted to see you, John, I would have come back to Bandelero.”

  John was undaunted. He had fully expected her anger. He let go of her hand and touched her stomach lightly. With a look of love in his eyes, he spoke. “I worked so hard to walk again,” he began, “and all because I had to find you. When you disappeared, I thought I would die. I prayed and cried out to God to bring you back. I had J.D. looking all over El Paso for you. There isn’t a law enforcement officer in this state, or Texas for that matter, who doesn’t have a copy of your photograph.”

  Joelle’s eyes widened in surprise, yet she said nothing. She was mesmerized by the gentleness of his voice. “I had to find you, Joelle. I love you so much. We are destined to spend our lives together, forever.”

  Joelle shook her head. “No, the raid changed all of that.”

  “Did the raid change your love for me?” His eyes pierced her façade of anger. She refused to answer him and looked away. Gently, John’s hand took hold of her chin and drew her face back to his. “Did it? Did the attack you endured cause you to stop loving me?”

  Joelle felt a tear slide down her cheek. There were no words for what she felt. How could she tell him that she still loved him? He would only feel more obligated.

  John seemed to know what she was thinking. “Tell me that you no longer love me and I’ll go. Tell me the raid caused your love for me to die, and I’ll never force you to lay eyes on me again.”

  “No,” Joelle sobbed and struggled to regain control. “My love didn’t die.”

  “And neither did mine.”

  “But I can’t hold you to that,” Joelle protested. “I released you from our engagement. I’d hoped you would find happiness elsewhere with someone worthy of your love.”

  “Ah, Joelle,” he murmured her name, and it sounded like a song. “You are more than worthy. I’m the one who acted badly. I tried to push you away when you knew I needed you most and now,” he paused and slowly smiled, “you’re trying to do the same. It won’t work, you know.”

  “I can’t hold onto the past,” Joelle stated flatly. “You have no obligation here. I broke our engagement when I left Columbus.”

  “Well, I didn’t accept the break,” John countered. “I don’t release you, Joelle.”

  “Go home, John. Just put me from your mind and go home.” Her voice was weary. “I can’t bear the sorrow of seeing you here.”

  “You are a coward, Joelle Dawson, but I love you, all the same.” He used her own words from long ago, against her. Joelle kept shaking her head as he continued. “I don’t release you from your obligation to marry me, and until you’re able to do something about it, I consider myself your husband-to-be.” John grinned. “You’re stuck with me, just as I was stuck with you then.”

  Joelle pushed him away. “You can’t be expected to stay with me now.”

  “And why not? My love was never conditional.”

  “You didn’t ask for this,” she shouted with a wave of her hand over her protruding stomach.

  “And neither did you.” John said firmly. “Funny, but this conversation sounds mighty familiar.”
/>
  “It’s not the same, John, so don’t try to make it that way!”

  John got to his feet. “It is the same, and you really are a coward.”

  “How dare you!” Joelle moved from the bed as gracefully as her size would allow. “How dare you!”

  “I dare because it’s true. You’re afraid, and it’s gotten the best of you. Surely it’s much easier to live behind the wall of fear you’ve built for yourself, but I wonder,” John said with a knowing look, “how long before the wall comes tumbling down and you have to face the truth of what’s real?”

  Chapter 15

  Joelle picked up the first object she could reach and hurled it across the room. John ducked with a grin, narrowly missing the empty glass as it shattered against the wall.

  “At least you drank whatever was in it first,” he commented, reminding Joelle of the scene she had exchanged with him. “Suppose we ought to lay in a supply of drinking glasses?”

  Joelle’s eyes blazed. “You can mock me all you want, John Monroe, and it isn’t going to change a thing! I want you out of here! Go home and stop feeling sorry for me.”

  John crossed his arms against his chest and blocked the door with his body. “I’m not going anywhere and neither are you. At least not until we get this talked out.”

  “I’m in no mood to talk to you about anything.” Joelle mimicked John’s action by crossing her arms. For a moment they faced off without words.

  “Joelle,” John whispered her name. “Marry me.”

  Joelle’s anger surged again. “No! I won’t ever marry anyone. I’m not worthy of anyone. Don’t you understand? The attack changed all of that!”

  “It changed nothing.”

  Joelle stormed at him with her hands raised. “It changed everything! Are you blind? I’m carrying another man’s child. I don’t even know which man’s child. There were three of them, you know!”