Tracie Peterson - [New Mexico Sunset 04]

by Come Away, My Love

  John reached out to still her flailing arms. “No, I didn’t know that. I didn’t know because you shut me out and ran away. I’m sorry, Joelle, but it still doesn’t change my love for you.”

  “It can’t be the same!” she screamed, fighting against his hold.

  “Of course not,” John reasoned softly. “No one said it would be. I don’t even want it to be the same. I was so selfish and lost in myself back then. I surely wouldn’t want you to have to live with that man.” John pulled her tighter to him, and the baby clearly took issue with the action.

  “This baby will always be between us,” Joelle protested, and tears began to fall.

  “No,” John whispered, “this baby will always be a part of us.”

  Joelle began to sob in earnest. She stopped fighting John’s hold and buried her face against his shoulder. “I don’t know who the father is.”

  “I’m the father,” John declared. “I’m the only father this child will ever have. . .the only one he’ll ever need.”

  She had no idea how long she let him hold her. She only knew that the comfort he offered was exactly what she had longed for. It dispelled her fears that John’s touch would be just like that of her attackers. She had worried she might never again be able to feel the embrace of a man without being reminded of the rape. But this embrace reminded her only of the love she had known with John. This embrace gave her hope.

  Silently, John led her back to the bed and pulled her down to sit on the side of it with him. Joelle raised her head and caught sight of the broken glass on the floor. It seemed to stun her momentarily.

  “I don’t know why I did that,” she said, surprising them both.

  John smoothed back her hair. “You did it because you were angry and helpless.”

  “Yes,” Joelle nodded, “I am angry.”

  John put a finger under her chin and lifted her face to his.

  “Anger is normal, Joelle. After all you’ve been through, you are quite entitled to your anger. It’s what you do with that anger that makes a difference. The Bible even says we can get angry, but we aren’t to sin out of that anger.”

  “I don’t understand,” Joelle said wearily.

  “But God does, Joelle.” John’s eyes were soft and warm. “We can get through this with His help. It’s time to move ahead.”

  “I don’t know if I can.”

  “You have to,” John said with a smile. “You have no choice. You’re going to have baby. A baby who’s going to need you and need your love.”

  “John,” she whispered his name, “I’m not the girl you fell in love with. I’ll never be whole again. There will always be a part of me that’s damaged and crippled.”

  John dropped his hold and got to his feet. “Then we’ll be a perfect match.”

  “I don’t understand. You aren’t making any sense,” Joelle said with a look of confusion.

  John crossed the room to retrieve the cane he had left by the door. For the first time, Joelle noticed his limp. He turned back to her with a shrug of his shoulders. “Dad says I may never walk normal again. I might always need this cane. Do you love me less because of it?” He was completely serious, and his expression betrayed a pain that mirrored Joelle’s own.

  “Of course not,” she stated firmly. “But that’s different.”

  “Why?” John asked her, coming back to the bed. “Why is it different?” Joelle could not answer and so he continued. “I struggle to forgive myself for letting you face those men alone. I wanted only to protect you and keep you safe from harm, and it was because of me that you had to face the attack. It eats me up inside, and I know it’s something I’ll always live with.”

  “I made my choice, John. I told you. . .” Her words fell silent as she remembered what she had said.

  “You told me what?” John encouraged her to answer.

  Joelle swallowed hard, dropping her gaze to the floor. “I told you anything was preferable to your death.”

  “And now you want to take that back, eh?”

  “No!” she exclaimed, her head snapping up. “Never! You were unable to walk. They would have killed you. What happened wasn’t your fault, so there’s no reason to blame yourself.”

  “It wasn’t your fault, either, Joelle. The entire matter was taken out of your hands. I guess we both need to forgive ourselves.” John picked up her hand and kissed her fingertips. “We have to forgive and let go of the past. We have to forgive ourselves and,” he paused to take a tighter hold on her hand, “we have to forgive those men, as well.”

  “They don’t deserve to be forgiven,” she said flatly.

  “Neither do we, but God extended us that privilege.”

  “But they deserve it even less. We aren’t like them. Our sins aren’t like theirs,” Joelle protested.

  “Isn’t that up to God to judge?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Yes, you do,” John softly insisted. “You know as well as I do that no matter how undeserving those men are, forgiving them is the only way we can go on and build a future. It’s the only way we can leave them behind and concentrate on us.

  “God offered us His Son, Jesus, as a means to receive forgiveness and salvation. We’ve both known the truth of that since we were children. And, if I remember correctly, we both made decisions to take Him up on that offer. Seems to me, just when trials came to us both, we questioned whether or not God was really and truly Who He said He was. That’s human weakness and a lack of faith, but even that, God understands. We made a commitment to God. We accepted His free gift of salvation through Jesus. We repented of our sins and pledged to forgive others. Now, here we are, presented with that very situation, and you want to throw it all away?”

  “No!” Joelle declared. “I don’t want to do anything of the sort. I know God wants me to forgive.” Joelle stopped. It was true. God had made it quite clear to her that forgiveness was the only way she could set herself free. Just like His forgiveness had set her free from eternal death.

  “Your anger is a poor companion, Joelle. You have to break away from your old nature and let Jesus fill you with the new nature that only He can provide. I had to do it. I had to seek out God and His forgiveness. I had to admit that I was wrong, and even though He’d been faithful to me a million times before, when I came face to face with a monumental problem, I was still too human to trust. Our adversities can weaken us greatly, but He can make us strong despite their effects.” John paused, seeing the conflict Joelle felt mirrored in her eyes. “Forgive them, Joelle. Forgive them for their cruelty and let go of the anger that holds you captive.”

  Joelle felt a rush of emotion at the suggestion. She had lived so long with the nightmares that her anger seemed the only way to deal with her fear.

  “I need to be alone. Please,” she said with a pleading in her voice, “just let me think for awhile.”

  John released her hand and got to his feet. “I guess that’s reasonable enough. I’ll be with Father Cooper if you need me.” He went to the door without protesting, surprising himself as well as Joelle.

  He turned back to look at her. She seemed so frail and small. It was his utmost desire to protect her and keep her safe from the pain and suffering she had known.

  “ ‘Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away. For, lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone.’ ” His eyes betrayed tears. His voice was a husky whisper as he added, “Come away, my love.”

  He spoke the words, then was gone, leaving Joelle to stare at the empty space where he had stood.

  

  Walking away was the hardest thing John had ever done. Now that he had found Joelle, all he wanted to do was cling to her. He certainly did not want to let her from his sight.

  “Dear God,” he prayed, “please give her the strength to get through this.
Give her the strength to let go of her anger and fear. I love her so much.”

  He sat down on a chair, mindful of the pain in his back. He would carry that pain for a long time, just as Joelle would carry hers. Even in forgiveness, John realized, only time and healing would ease the pain.

  Father Cooper’s slight form passed by the window, and John got to his feet and went outside to join him.

  “All is well?” the priest asked, unable to read John’s expression.

  “I’m not sure,” John replied. He leaned heavily against the cane.

  “You must trust God, my son. He knows full well the sorrows you share with Joelle. He has brought you here for a purpose. The answers you’ve searched for are soon to be given. Trust Him to give you the strength to bear them.”

  “I just want her to be healed. I just want her to recover from the pain.”

  “Even if you cannot be a part of that recovery?” Father Cooper’s words hit John hard.

  A life without Joelle? How could he even imagine the possibility? “I don’t want to live without her. I can’t even bear the thought of it,” John admitted.

  “But, if that is required of you, are you willing to put aside your own desires for the betterment of Joelle?”

  John realized he would do whatever it took to help Joelle. Even if he had to walk away from her forever, he knew he would do whatever was best for her. “If God shows me no other way,” John said softly, “I’ll leave.”

  “Your love for her is good, John,” Father Cooper said, putting a supportive arm around his shoulders. “Come, let’s give God time to speak to her heart.”

  

  Joelle sat, silently staring at the four walls of her bedroom. She had called this place home for quite awhile, and yet it held no fond memories or happiness for her. It was a prison. . .a tomb, she thought. She had come here to live out her sentence and, in some ways, to die.

  John’s sweet face came to mind. Why had he come? How did he find her? The questions raced through her head, and yet Joelle knew the answers were unimportant. She thought back to the day she had first seen him after the accident. He was angry at God and everyone else, but mostly he was angry with himself.

  “Just as I’m angry with myself,” Joelle murmured. She smiled as she recalled the determination with which she had faced John during the early period of his confinement. “He won’t back down,” she realized aloud. “He’s just like me when it comes to being stubborn.”

  Exhausted from her physical exertion, Joelle fell back against the pillows. She stared up at the ceiling and in that instant it triggered the memory of her rape. She remembered staring at the ceiling, fixing her eyes on a single spot, in order to keep from seeing the faces of the men who were hurting her.

  Her breathing quickened. She could nearly feel their hands upon her. Dear God, she thought, must I forever live with this?

  Forgive them and leave them behind. Wasn’t that what John had spoken of not moments ago? Forgive them?

  “They don’t deserve to be forgiven,” Joelle said with clenched fists and hot tears. “I want them to suffer just as I have. I want them to know the same misery I’ve known.”

  Give them to Me, Joelle. The silent voice stirred her soul.

  “No,” she argued, “I can’t. They took so much from me. They took everything.”

  Give them to Me, and I will give you rest.

  Joelle let go a sob. She was so tired, so very weary. The burden had been so great and the exhaustion from carrying it so complete.

  “I want rest,” she whispered. “I do want rest.”

  Chapter 16

  It was dark when Joelle awoke. She had slept peacefully in spite of her surprise at seeing John. A tapping sounded at her door and, sitting up with a yawn, Joelle called out.

  “Come in.” The soft glow of lamplight flooded the room. She expected to see John, but was taken aback when, instead, Father Cooper poked his head inside the doorway.

  “Are you feeling up to a talk?” he asked.

  “Of course,” she replied and awkwardly pushed up into a sitting position.

  Father Cooper came in and placed the lamp beside her bed. “I hope you don’t mind the imposition but I felt there are things between us that needed to be said.”

  “Things between us?” Joelle questioned with a puzzled expression.

  Father Cooper drew up a chair and folded his hands. “I brought John with me from Las Cruces.”

  “So that’s how he found me.”

  “Yes. It was actually God’s doing, though.” He paused and smiled in his way. “I had trouble with the touring car. It became stuck in the sand. John came riding up and freed me. We shared supper together, and he told me of his mission to find you.”

  “I see,” Joelle replied softly. “That must have come as quite a shock to both of you.”

  “John didn’t know at first. I decided not to share my good news with him until I was certain of his commitment to you. You see, Joelle,” he paused, “I would never have allowed him to hurt you. I waited until I was assured of his sincere love for you before I shared your location with him.”

  Joelle shook her head. “But how could you be certain of his love? John’s the type of person who upon hearing of my plight would instantly feel obligated to care for me.”

  “But I did not tell him of your circumstances, Child. I did not reveal to him any knowledge of you whatsoever. I let John tell me about his search and about his love.” Joelle started to speak but Father Cooper held up his hand. “Please, hear me out.” Joelle nodded and waited for him to continue.

  “I could see the anguish and misery in this young man. He was so filled with the longing to find you. He had already searched far, and the very fact that he was on his feet was, in part, due to his determination to see you again.”

  “I can imagine that’s true,” Joelle stated, forgetting herself.

  Father Cooper smiled. “I talked to John without letting him know I knew of you. I told him it was possible that the woman he loved would be forever scarred by what had happened in Columbus. You had said as much, yes?”

  “Yes.”

  “I asked him if he could live with those scars and he assured me that what had happened to you had no bearing on his love for you. I believed him then, Joelle. I still believe him.”

  “But, Father Cooper, he couldn’t possibly have known about the baby. Not unless you told him. Even so, he wouldn’t have told you then that he couldn’t marry me. John’s not that type of person. He takes his obligations quite seriously.”

  “I did not tell him you were with child. At least not until after he assured me that such a thing would still be unimportant in respect to your future and his love.”

  “How did he convince you of this?”

  “I merely suggested that a fear of physical intimacy was not the only possible residual effect of the rape. I asked him what he would do if he found you, then learned that you were with child.”

  Joelle paled a bit. “And what did he say?”

  “It was something he’d not thought about. He left me for a time and came back with his answer, which was that he would love you and any child you bore. It changed nothing, Joelle. He still desired to find you and to make you his wife.”

  Joelle’s eyes filled with tears. “He is a good man.”

  “Yes, that is definitely so.”

  “You once told me that even though we prayed in different ways and in different places, we still served the same God,” Joelle said as she reached out her hand to the wizened priest. “I also believe that is so. You have taught me much about God and His love. You’ve shown me a side to God that I might never have seen. I can’t say I am thankful for the attack or that I ask blessings for my attackers. However, I do believe I am ready to forgive and desperately re
ady to forget.”

  “It is well with your soul, eh?” Father Cooper questioned with a smile lighting up his eyes. “Our God is big enough for even these things that seem overwhelming.”

  “He seemed to have planned everything out in detail,” Joelle replied. “Look at the way He put you and John together. Better yet, the way He put you and me together. He saw to my needs when I didn’t even know what they were.”

  “He is like that, our God.”

  “Yes, He is.”

  “I am glad for you, Joelle. My heart sings within me, and I know that God will bless you forever. If I can ever do anything more, please remember your old friend.”

  Joelle reached out and embraced the priest in a fierce hug. “I do love you, Father Cooper. You have given me so much.”

  “And you, also, have blessed me.”

  Joelle pulled back and wiped at her tears. “Would you consider one more favor?”

  “What is it?”

  “Would you marry John and me?”

  The old man’s face broke into a beaming smile. “I would love nothing more.” He paused for a moment with a seriousness overtaking his joy. “But, you know you are not of my church and. . .”

  “John and I will remarry in our church at home. His uncle is our pastor. I’d just like the memory of standing before you and God.”

  “Then we will treat it that way,” Father Cooper said with a nod. “But, should you not find your young man and let him know your heart? He was quite worried when last we spoke.”

  Joelle nodded. “Where is he?”

  “He was walking down by the river.”

  Joelle got to her feet and, reaching to the end of her bed, she took up the warm, handwoven blanket that lay there. “I will be walking by the river, Father Cooper,” she said, pulling the blanket around her shoulders.

  

  John lingered by the water’s edge long after the sun had set. He was so unsure of how Joelle would respond to his coming. He had prayed and sought peace and knew in his heart that if he had to leave her, he would. But he would never again be whole. . .not without her love.