Goodbye Teddy

by Stockholm, JD

  I make the keys jingle at his nose. He doesn’t grab them or take them away. Peter’s mum has a baby. When we played with the toys, his sister grabbed them. Then she tried to eat them. But Tommy doesn’t. Maybe he doesn’t want to play. I tickle the keys on his tummy. He stops crying. But my arm gets sore and tired. It might fall off. I put the keys down. But then Tommy starts to cry again. I whisper shush to him. Then I make the keys jingle. I tell him he can have them if he wants. Maybe he wants to play with them.

  I get his dummy. It lies by his head. I put it in his mouth. He pinches it very fast in his mouth and it bounces up and down when he sucks it. He falls to sleep. Then I can put the keys down. My arm is very tired. Maybe it wants to go to sleep too. The nurse comes back. She says I am very nice to get him to sleep. But maybe he was very tired.

  Me and Mr. Ted can read him stories. I ask Mr. Ted about it. He says yes. We can write lots of them when we get home. Maybe we can write a story and Tommy gets to be in it too. Maybe he wants to play with me and Mr. Ted. I tickle his tummy and say bye-bye to him. I hope he doesn’t get sad that I go home when he wakes up. I ask the nurse if she will tell him I have to go home to my mum’s house. But I will come back and then I can tell him stories. She promises she will. She says he is very happy I got to play with him today.

  I have to go home in the evening time. My dad comes. But my brother is sleeping. He didn't want to eat his supper. They take him away and I didn't be allowed to go too. But he didn't want any food. The nurse put it all in his book about it. She said he didn't eat lots of food. He wanted his baby bottle. But the nurse said he can’t have it. It is for babies

  Tommy doesn’t have a baby bottle. He has a bag thing. It hangs up. That is why he has the needle thing in his hand. The nurse said it is for his food.

  I have to go home with my dad. I don't go to my Nan’s house. We have to go back to the hospital in the morning time. My mum is going to sleep over. Then my brother doesn’t get scared all by himself about it. I hope she doesn’t get scared in her tummy too. I try to give my mum a hug goodbye. But she doesn’t want it. She tells me to get off and stop it. I hug Mr. Ted instead.

  My dad came in the car. He has Sheba too. She doesn’t be allowed in the hospital because she is a dog. It is for people. My dad says I have to go and sit with her because he doesn’t want to leave her in the car. He has to talk to my mum. Maybe they talk about boring things. He tells me the car isn’t locked up. “Don't let her get on the road,” he says. “She will get run over.” I promise I don't.

  It is dark outside. The sun has gone to bed. Sheba wags her tail and stomps her feet when we get outside. She barks very loud. I give her a big hug when I get in the car. She licks my face about it. We can play while we wait for my dad. We can be monsters with swords and chop people all up. There is a big building. It has a cross on it. My dad says it is where they keep all the dead people. Me and Sheba try to look inside the windows. But I don't be able to see anything. Maybe the dead people will jump up and bash the window to scare us.

  It is very cold outside. It makes me shiver. I tell Sheba to get in the car. We can play lots of times later. I wish my dad would hurry up. I am bored. I don't want to stay at the hospital. I want to go home then me and Mr. Ted can write lots of stories.

  I sneak back in the hospital. We walk all bent down then no one sees. We look for my dad. So then we can run back to the car and he doesn’t know I am inside. We sneak up to where my brother is. But we don't go in. We hide at the corner. Tommy is awake. He doesn’t cry. I tell him in my brain about the stories. Maybe he can like them in the morning. I tell him we don't make them scary.

  My mum is crying because my dad has to go home. He gives her a big hug about it. It makes me cry too. I don't like when she cries. I don't want her to be sad about it. I stay at the door. Then I don't get in the damn way all the time. I don't make a scene and I don't get on their nerves. I always get on her nerves. She says I get on her wick. But I don't know what that is. When I asked my Nan, she said it was like nerves. I don't mean to. When my dad finishes hugging my mum I run back to the car. Then he doesn’t know.

  He lets me sit in the front seat. Sheba is big. She lies on the back seat. She takes it all up. I don't like the house. It is all dark. Maybe the bad man hides in there. I don't like the bedroom. My mum and dad say it is mine. I am going to live with my mum and dad again. But I don't get to yet because I don't have a bed. The house is very big. It has lots of glass walls inside. It has big wooden stairs in the middle. They are like steps. I sit on them and put my legs through the holes.

  The front room is very big. It has a giant fire and two sofas. Mr. Ted thinks maybe we have to sleep on the sofa with Sheba. But I don't want to because the walls are all glass. I can see all the way to the kitchen. Maybe the bad man can hide there and he can see me in the windows and when my dad goes to bed he can come and get me.

  My dad says I can have dinner with him. He didn't get time to get any yet. He got me some fish cakes. I like them very much. Mr. Ted likes them too. My dad puts them in the grill. My dad tells me to set the table. I do and then I sit at it and wait for my food. I sit there with Andrew and Mr. Ted. Then we write the story for Tommy. We write about witches and monsters. But I don't make it scary because he is little. I don't want him to be scared about it.

  My dad gives me the fish cakes when they are cooked. I don't want anything with them. But he gives me some of his potatoes and vegetables. I ask if I can have some red sauce. But he says no. That is my brother’s. I don't be allowed any. My dad says if I eat all my dinner, I can have some special drink. I don't like the whiskey. But it doesn’t be that. He has lots of red wine. It is very strong. He makes it himself. He has it in the attic in big tubs. It has a glass pipe at the top and bubbles come out. My dad says it has to stay there for a long time. Then all the juice in it makes wine. He drinks it lots of times.

  My dad gives me a big glass of it. It makes me all warm inside. I ask Mr. Ted if he wants some. But he doesn’t drink wine. It feels funny in my mouth. I drink it all up and I eat all my food. I take my plate and my dad’s in the kitchen. I have to scrap them into the bin. We don't wash the dishes. My mum gets mad about it if we do. She says we make everything broken and smashed. Then we wash the plates all wrong too.

  My dad is going to watch television. He likes the detective programs. He doesn’t wear a police uniform. He wears a suit with a tie. He has a funny moustache. He is old. My dad has read all the books. He likes them very much. My dad lets me sit on the sofa with him and then me and Mr. Ted write more stories.

  I am sleepy inside. My eyes want to go to sleep. Me and Andrew and Mr. Ted lie down on the sofa. My dad doesn’t get mad about it. Sheba lies on the floor by the fire. She likes it because it is warm. I don't know I go to sleep. It is on surprise. Sometimes I do that at my Nan’s house too when the bad man comes. I don't know I go to sleep then. When I wake up it is all sore inside.

  I don't know my dad got my clothes open too. I didn't feel it. I don't tell him that I waked up. Maybe he gets mad if he knows about it. He puts his mouth on me and I don't like it. It feels funny. I don't want Sheba or Mr. Ted to see. I hug him tight and then I roll over. Maybe my dad thinks I rolled over in my sleep. But my dad doesn’t let me. He pulls me down and then he makes me roll back again. He takes all my clothes off. I don't let the shivers start. He lifts me off the sofa and puts me on the floor. He makes me lie on my tummy. I don't look at the glass walls because then I can see. They are like big giant mirrors. I don't want to look. My dad takes his clothes off too and then he puts his thing inside and does the hurt thing. I look at the television so I don't see it. But the television doesn’t have the police thing on anymore. My dad has films about lots of people doing the hurt thing. I don't want to see that too. My dad likes it. He watches it all the time. He tells me that I will like it when I am big. But I won’t. He says when I get all grown up then I will do it to people. I tell Mr. Ted I don't. Not ever.

  I try
not to look at anything. Maybe I can fall asleep. Then I don't have to know about things. My dad says I am a good boy. When he makes all his noises. He tells me to go to the bathroom to get ready for bed. He says I can sleep in the bed with him because my mum doesn’t be there and my brother is in the hospital. I tell him thank you. I don't have to hide from the bad man.

  Five

  We wake up very early. We are going back to the hospital to see my mum and brother. My dad doesn’t stay. He has to go to work. Or we don't get any money. He says no one else does it if he doesn’t then we all starve to death and sleep outside. We wake up at 6 am. It is very early. The sun is just getting up too. My dad gets out of bed. He wants to get a shower before he goes to work. He lets my hands get untied. I have to get dressed too and I don't be allowed to take a long time.

  My hands are sore because they were all tied up. My dad tied them up in the nighttime when he did the hurt thing lots of times. I falled to sleep. I forgot to get my hands open from the rope. My arms are stuck. Maybe it is like when I pull a funny face and my Nan says it will stick that way if the wind changes. Maybe the wind changed when I was sleeping. Now my hands are stuck in the air. Mr. Ted thinks it will look very silly if I don't get them down again.

  I rub them and make them not sore. I pull the covers on. I wish I could go away. I feel bad inside. I wish I didn't have the badness. I don't let the crying out. It is not allowed. I am bad. I get my nails. I make them scratch on my arms about it. Then maybe it gets away all the bad parts.

  My dad says I have to get a shower too. But not at the same time. I have to wait until my dad finishes. I don't like to move. It makes it hurt inside. I feel the smell too. I don't like how it smells. Maybe everyone can smell it and know that I am bad.

  The bathroom is downstairs. The house is back to front. It is a nice bathroom. It is green too like the hospital. It has a bath and a shower. I didn't ever get a real shower before. Peter has one at his house. It has special doors that close. It looks like a Tardis from Dr. Who. I like it very much. I get in the bathroom and take my clothes off. I don't look at the mirror. I don't want to see all the badness there. I get in the shower. Maybe I can wash it all away. My dad has special brushes. He uses them to get all the dirt from his nails. It is very hard. I put soap on it. Then I rub it all over. I want to make the badness go away. It is inside. It doesn’t wash away with soap. I make the brush hard. It hurts very bad. Good. It should hurt. I am bad. I want it to hurt bad and make it all go away. I don't let the crying out. Stupid boys cry. I don't cry. But I am stupid and bad. Bad boys don’t ever get to cry. It is my fault I am too bad. No one else has to do it and my brother is sick and it is all my fault because my mum is too busy looking after all my badness. I do everything wrong. I make the brush get harder. It makes my legs all red and bleeding. Good. They should bleed. Maybe all the blood can get out and then I can go away and everyone will be happy.

  I don't be able to get the smell away. It is there. In my nose. I wash my mouth inside too. I don't use the brush, but I get the water in there. I don't like how it tastes. My dad put his thing in there when I was tied up. But I didn't let the sick get out. I swallowed it all. I keeped it in like my dad said. My dad says I was good when I did it. But it makes my tummy do the turn over thing and I don't like it. But the sick didn't get out and I didn't make a mess.

  I have been a long time in the bathroom. My dad knocks on the door. “Hurry up,” he says to me. We have to go. My mum has called. She wants some clothes and other things.

  We have to go very fast. I don't get time to get any breakfast. My dad forgets about it. He eated his when I was in the shower. I was too slow. It is tough. If I didn't take very long then I could have some. But I don't want any anyway. I am too bad to eat it. My tummy feels hungry inside. I tell it good. I get my notebooks and my paper. I put them in my bag with Mr. Ted. I don't talk to Mr. Ted. He thinks I am bad inside too.

  Maybe Tommy doesn’t think I am bad. I am going to read him a story. I hope he likes it very much. Maybe he will think it is silly. My mum thinks my stories are too silly. She tells me they are very bad. But I like to write them. I write about spies and things. Me and Andrew like spies and police. We play it all the time. They get to be big and special. Like the police we watch at my Nan’s house. They get to ride motorbikes and catch all the bad people. My dad has motorbikes. But he doesn’t catch bad people. He just likes to ride them with his friends. I don't be allowed to touch them. I will make them broken.

  I put my skates in a bag too. I don't tell my dad about it. Maybe if it is a sunny day I can play on them outside. Then I don't get in everyone’s way and then they don't tell me to go away. Maybe I can skate inside too if no one gets to see it. I wrote Tommy a story about skating too.

  We drive to the hospital. I am excited in my tummy about the stories. Tommy is awake when we get in my brother’s room. He is crying. My mum says that bloody child has been screaking all night long. She didn't get to sleep because he makes so much noise. No one comes and makes him shut up. I feel bad inside my tummy. Maybe he was sad and scared of the dark. No one was here. Maybe my mum would let me stay and I can make him not sad about it.

  I say his name when I go to his bed. But he cries lots of times. The nurse changes the bag on his needle thing. The other bag is empty. Maybe he is very hungry.

  My mum says his mum took bad medicine when he was in her tummy. That is why he can’t see. She was selfish and she took all the drugs. I don't know why that made him blind. Medicine makes people better. Maybe bad medicine makes people poorly. I tickle his tummy with my fingers and I tell him I have a story for him. I have Mr. Ted. Mr. Ted says hello too.

  Mr. Ted is very happy to see him. Tommy bangs his arms and legs about. Maybe he doesn’t like Mr. Ted. I tell him that Mr. Ted isn’t scary. He keeps all the bad people away. He does lots of nice things and he wrote lots of stories with me. I whisper Tommy the shush sound like my mum did when my brother was a baby. She does it if he hurts himself very bad. It makes all the hurt parts go away. She doesn’t do it to me. I am too bad. It is good when I hurt myself. My brother gets sad about it.

  I get the chair and I sit next to Tommy. Me and Mr. Ted read the stories to him. We read lots of times. Maybe he doesn’t know what I am saying because I laugh about it. Then the words don't come out. My mum gets mad. She comes over and tells me to shut up. I disturb everyone. I don't mean to. I tell her I am sorry. Tommy stops the crying part. I put my hand on his tummy too and I make it go all around. I sing the song to him, round and round the garden, like a teddy bear. It makes him fall to sleep again. Mr. Ted says maybe he is tired because he didn't sleep in the nighttime. I get very tired when I don't sleep at the nighttime because I am very scared inside.

  The side of the cot is very high. I don't be able to reach over it properly. I have to stand on my toes to make myself big. Mr. Ted says I can stand on the chair. Then I can see Tommy without the bars. His eyes are closed. He snores very loud. I tell Mr. Ted about it. Maybe we can look after Tommy forever and then he doesn’t ever get sad. Tommy has lots of wires and stickers. Not stickers with dogs on them. He has special ones. They get wires stuck to them. I ask the nurse about them. She says that they listen inside. Then his heart makes the machine beep very loud. It is like magic.

  I ask Andrew about it. If we run away then no one does the hurt thing and we can live in a cave. I ask Tommy if he wants to live in a cave too. Maybe there are bats in there. I like bats. They look funny. I know how to live in a cave. I watch it on the television with my Nan. We watch about making the fires and then we get fish from the water and cook it. It looks like a very good time. Maybe when Tommy is better and doesn’t have to be in hospital we can do it.

  I don't tell my mum about it. She will tell me it is stupid. I am stupid lots of times. She says my head lives in the clouds. I don't know what she means.

  I ask my mum to look after Tommy. He is sleeping. Me and Andrew are going to play outside on the skates. The lazy bones s
unshine has got out of bed and come outside to play.

  Six

  We go and see my brother every day. It is very boring. I wish I get to go to my Nan’s. But I don't want to make Tommy sad about it. I read him lots of stories and tell him lots of things. I write about my brother too. He has to have the needle in his hand like Tommy. The nurse put it in and then he has a bag of water too. It drips into it and then goes into his hand. It makes his tummy filled up inside. He eats some food too. But not lots of it. My mum says he is getting better. Maybe now he doesn’t go to heaven.

  The nice doctor phoned the hospital to see if he was better. My mum gets a big smile about it. Maybe he really wanted to talk to her. Maybe it was his secret plan. My mum knows he likes to talk to her lots of times. But he can’t because of his mean wife. I wish she would go away. Then my mum doesn’t get sad about her. He was very sad that my brother had to get the needle in his hand. My mum doesn’t cry about it now.

  The nurse shows my mum the special book. It has to be filled in when we are at home. There will be a lady that comes to see my brother. She wants to check that he eats all his food. Then she knows he doesn’t get poorly again. I don't want him to get poorly again. I don't want him to go to heaven. I write down all my brother’s things too. Then I know he doesn’t go away. I make one for Tommy too. I write about them. I write what they eat and what they do. I show Mr. Ted the book. He thinks they are getting better. I am very glad.

  My brother is allowed to get off the bed. He gets toys to play with. I take him to see Tommy. But my mum gets mad about it. She tells me off. I make too much damn noise all the time. I shouldn’t be making my brother go to see that bloody child. I don't mean to make my mum mad. I tell her I am sorry. Tommy is nice. But she says he cries and cries all the time. She wishes he would just shut up. Maybe his mum can come and get him. She says it is his mum’s fault. She is too selfish. “People like her should have their children taken off them and given away,” she says. “Not people like me who look after their children.” The nurses need to fix him with medicine. I tell my mum he just misses his mummy. She tells me not to be so bloody stupid.