Goodbye Teddy

by Stockholm, JD

  I miss my mum when she goes away. She goes away all the time. She doesn’t stay at my Nan's house. She goes away at the nighttime. Sometimes she doesn’t say goodbye. It makes me cry and be sad about it. I tell my mum I get sad. I miss my mum. But she doesn’t believe me. If I really missed my mum then I would be good all the time. I try. I try not to let the badness out. But it just happens.

  I am from the devil. My brother doesn’t be. The devil tells me to say all the lies and do all the bad things. She can’t wait until I get big and then I can live by myself. It makes me scared in my tummy. I don't want to live by myself. Maybe the bad man will come and get me. I don't know how to make food too. My mum tried to get the badness away with the medicine. But she doesn’t give it to me anymore. Maybe that is why my badness comes back. Because I don't get medicine. Maybe the nurse has medicine for badness too.

  It gets to be day five. It is a very long time. I write all the days in my book for my brother and Tommy. Me and my dad go to the hospital again. I am excited because I made Tommy a big giant story. I want to read it to him. Me and Mr. Ted made it. It is very special. We drawed all the pictures too. I drawed the cave and the sea and lots of sunshine. I try to run. But I don't be able to. It hurts all inside from the hurt thing with my dad. We did it lots of times in the nights. It makes me have tummy ache. But I don't tell my mum about it. She knows I am bad inside. I make my dad do the hurt thing.

  We have to use the stairs to get to where my brother is. I don’t be allowed to use the lift because that’s lazy. The stairs don’t be so big. But they make my tummy hurt and where my dad does the hurt thing. I try not to cry about it. But it feels all scratchy inside and then maybe I got all chopped to pieces and I didn’t know about it. Sometimes the blood comes out. Not lots of it. Just a little bit and then I have to make it all cleaned away in the shower.

  My dad walks fast. He leaves me on the stairs. He tells me to catch up. If I want to be slow I can do it by myself. I tell him I am sorry. I don’t mean to be slow. I don’t bring my skates today. I wanted to play inside with them. I found a place where there doesn’t be anyone and Andrew said we could skate there. But it hurts too bad to ride on my skates. I tell Andrew I am sorry. I didn’t mean to make my dad do the hurt thing to me.

  My brother sits in his bed. He is watching the television. It is a special one on wheels. They have cartoons on it. I watch cartoons at my Nan's house. But I don't be allowed to watch them at my mum and dad’s house. Then I have to let my brother watch the television because he gets bored.

  My mum and dad talk about things. I go to Tommy’s bed to show him the pictures I made. He likes it when I come. The nurse says I make him happy when I read stories and tickle his tummy. But he doesn’t be there. His bed is empty.

  I don't know where he is. I look around. But he doesn’t be there. The bed covers are all gone. His toys don't be there. Maybe he will come back. Maybe he got better. I hug Mr. Ted. I don't know where Tommy is. It makes my tummy hurt. The nurse comes in. She has the breakfasts on the trays. I sit on the chair next to Tommy’s bed. Maybe he comes back soon.

  The nurse comes over to me. She asks me if I am okay. I don’t be able to make the crying go away. I don’t know where Tommy is gone. I have a story for him. I ask the nurse where Tommy is. She kneels down in front of me. She gives me a tissue for my face. I don’t want her to see that I get the crying out. It is bad when I cry. My dad says I am just a big baby. But I don’t be able to help it.

  She tells me he has gone away. But he didn’t say goodbye. It makes me cry very bad about it. No one says goodbye. They all sneak away. Maybe I am too bad. I don't mean to be. I try to be nice lots of times. Maybe he doesn’t like my stories. He didn’t tell me that he was going to go away. I tell her he didn’t say that he was going away. He didn’t tell me about it. No one ever tells me when they are going away. I hug myself tight. I don’t know why he didn’t tell me. I didn’t be bad. I didn’t make him mad at me. He was my friend.

  The nurse says he didn’t know he was going away. He would have said goodbye if he knew. But it was a surprise. She told me that he misses me very much too. He liked all the nice things I did for him. He liked all the stories and things that I told him. She says his toys are in her office. Maybe I would like one. He said I can have one if I want it.

  I don't want to take Tommy’s toys. Maybe he comes back for them because he misses them. He likes the keys when they go on his tummy. I do that lots of times and I make them tickle all to his hands. I ask the nurse if she knows where he lives. She says yes. I ask her if she can send him the story. I made it for him and the pictures. Maybe he likes them. She says I am very nice.

  She looks at Mr. Ted. She asks me who he is. He looks very nice. I tell her he is Mr. Ted. He helps me write the stories. She asks if he makes good stories. I nod my head very big about it. “Mr. Ted likes to write lots of stories.”

  “You are very lucky to have a Mr. Ted,” she says. “I hope you look after him.”

  I do. I promise. I never let any bad things happen to Mr. Ted. I tell the nurse I am going to go and play outside. She smiles about it and tells me not to forget to give her the story for Tommy. I promise I don't forget.

  I go for a walk in the hospital. Then I go away and don't get on my mum’s nerves. I don’t walk very fast because it hurts inside and I don’t go very fast because I feel sad. I wish I got to say goodbye to Tommy. Maybe I will see him again. Andrew says maybe we can make him a goodbye card and we can draw on it. I think that is a good idea.

  We go to the cafe place. The nurse always gives me the paper thing for the food. I sit in the back and I eat my food and I don’t let anyone see because it is a big secret. I don’t want her to get in trouble about it. Me and Andrew draw him a picture. We draw me and Mr. Ted and Andrew and Sheba and Tommy. He didn’t ever see Sheba, but she is nice and she wanted to see him. I asked her and she said yes. We draw it all in a picture and then we tell him that we miss him very bad. Maybe if I put my address on it then he can draw me a picture back too. When he is bigger and he knows how to draw things. I give Tommy special glasses in the picture. They are special because they make him see things. He can see everything. Even through walls. When he comes back, we can make them and we can be spies like the stories. Then he will be able to see and we can play all day long together. I hope he wants to.

  I take the picture when I am finished and give it to the nurse. I ask her if she will give it to Tommy. I tell her she doesn’t be allowed to read it. It is a surprise. She gives me a sticker. She says she will give it to Tommy and she says thank you.

  I go back to my mum and brother. I sit on the chair. I don't move all day. It is lots of hours. My brother is happy. Maybe he is nearly better. There is another baby in Tommy’s bed. He is sat up. He has his mummy and daddy. I tell him in my brain he doesn’t be allowed there. It is Tommy’s bed not his. He can look after the bed until Tommy comes back again.

  Seven

  I wish Tommy didn't go away. I wish I got to say goodbye to him. I think about him lots. I talk to Mr. Ted about him. I hug Mr. Ted tight. It makes me cry. I ask my dad about it too when he drives the car to go home. My dad says maybe he went home with his mummy. I ask Mr. Ted. Mr. Ted thinks so too. I tell Mr. Ted Tommy doesn’t be sad if his mummy came back.

  My mum is happy that Tommy is gone. Then she can go to sleep at night. Because he doesn’t cry all the time. After my dinner, I go to bed in my mum and dad’s bed again. I don't put any pyjamas on. My dad does the hurt thing lots of time. He gives me his special drink in bed. It makes my head sleepy. Maybe Tommy is sad that he didn’t get to say goodbye. I squeeze my eyes all tight and tell him in my brain.

  I fall to sleep in my mum and dad’s bed. I hug Mr. Ted. I don't think about the hurt part. When it gets to morning time, I don't have any stories or pictures to take. I sit on the sofa and wait for my dad. He is in the shower. I wish my brother comes out of hospital soon. I don’t like going there. I ask my dad if I can go to my N
an’s house. But he says I don’t be allowed. She is a nosy cow. He doesn’t like it when she gets in all his things. I don’t be allowed to go there again.

  My mum says I am going to live at their house. She has got me the room that is at the top of the stairs. It is all mine. They are going to get my Gaga’s bed from my Nan's house. They don’t have lots of money to buy a new one. It is old and blue. It is dusty because my granddad went to heaven on it. But then no one ever used it. My mum says it is fine for me to use. I never had a bed before. Not all to myself. I didn’t ever have a bedroom. My dad says I am eight years old. It is time to get into my own room and stop sharing with everyone.

  My brother has a cot thing in their bedroom. It is by the door. He doesn’t get to sleep in my room with me. I don’t know why he doesn’t get one of the other bedrooms. There are five bedrooms in the house. Some of them are downstairs. My dad got one for his books and his office. But there is two more near the bathroom. My dad says I can sleep in one of them and then my brother can have my room. But I don’t want it all the way at the back. Maybe the bad man will come and it is at the back of the house. No one will hear and come and help me when he gets me. Maybe he can get in from the window. The window is at the back of the house and no one can see. I tell my mum I don’t want one. So my brother has to sleep in their room and then I get one all to myself.

  I don’t have it yet. It is all filled with boxes of things. My mum and dad have lots and lots of things. The telephone rings and I have to answer it because my dad doesn’t come out of the bathroom yet. It is early. I say hello and it is my mum.

  "Get your dad right now," she says to me and I do. I run all the way to the bathroom and tell him to come quickly. My mum needs him on the telephone right now. He comes out of the shower. He is all soapy and wet. But he runs to the phone with no clothes on and no towel. He talks to my mum. I don’t be able to hear what he says.

  He tells me to go away and sit back in the front room. When he finishes on the telephone, he doesn’t say anything. He looks all mad at me. He has his angry eyes. He goes back to the bathroom and finishes his shower and then he comes back. He moves very fast and I don’t be able to get away. He smacks me very hard across my legs. I cry and tell him I am sorry. I don’t know what I did. He grabs my arm and lifts me off the sofa. He pulls my pants down and then he smacks my leg very hard. It makes a noise and it stings very bad. I try to get away but he doesn’t let me. He is mad and he shouts at me.

  I made him scared. I told him to come right now and he didn’t need to. He doesn’t know why I am so bad. "Why did you make it sound like something was wrong," he says to me and I didn’t. I didn’t mean to make him scared. I just said what my mum said. He tells me I am a liar. "You don’t mess with people like that," he says then he smacks me again and tells me to stand there. I don’t be allowed to move.

  He goes to his front room. It is one of the bedrooms. It has all his books. He goes there a long time and I don’t move. Like a statue. I stand still. My legs get all the pins and needles in them. It is a long time. I watch my dad come out later. He goes to the kitchen. It is lunchtime. He makes his lunch and he sits at the big table in the dining room. He doesn’t give me any. I need to go to the bathroom but I don’t ask him.

  He tells me to go anyway. We are going to the hospital. My brother is coming home today. We didn’t need to go there all early. I don’t let the crying out when I try to move my legs. They hurt all bad because maybe they were stuck that way when I didn’t move. I tell my dad I am sorry. He tells me I am bad.

  My brother gets to come home. He eats all his food like he is supposed to. My mum keeps it in a book. The lady from the hospital is going to come every three days and make sure that he is eating his dinner up. My mum says he is going to start school. He didn’t start school already because he was poorly and maybe he wouldn’t like it there.

  He doesn’t go to the same school as me. My dad says the school I go to is for people that don’t be very clever. It is not a nice place. He doesn’t want him to be there where I make my brother all bad. He is going to go to a new school that is far away. He has to drive in the car. My dad is going to take him. I don’t be allowed to sleep in. I have to be up very early or I make my brother late for school. I promise I will try not to.

  I don’t go back to my Nan’s house. She doesn’t want me there anyway. My dad said so. I am too much of a burden. I don’t know what a burden is. But I miss my Nan. Maybe she is sad I go away. But she says she is okay. She goes to a club place in the daytime with her friends. I don’t mean to be a burden to my Nan.

  When we get to the hospital, my brother is ready. He is very excited. I don’t be allowed to stay in the ward. I stay outside with Sheba. My mum says I will make it all bad with the nurses. I tell the nurse goodbye and then I go to the car where Sheba is. My dad says I can let her out. But I don’t be allowed to let her on the road. She might be hit by a car and then she will go to heaven too. I don’t want her to go to heaven. I keep her very safe. Me and Andrew play in the trees with her. We tell her no when she tries to go to the cars.

  I sit in the back of the car with Sheba. Not on the seats. My brother sits there. He has his bags and his special things. Me and Sheba sit in the boot. I like it in there. I can see all the cars. I lie on Sheba; she doesn’t get mad about it.

  We stop at the shop. My dad wants to buy my brother a special thing for being very brave. He got the needles out of his hand and now he eats lots of food. They throwed his baby bottles in the rubbish bin. He doesn’t be allowed them anymore.

  My dad buys him some books. I don’t be allowed to touch them. They are my brother’s not mine. My dad tells me very loud don’t touch them. They aren’t yours. I tell him I won’t. I don’t want to make him mad about it. My dad doesn’t buy me any books. I wish he did. But I don’t be brave and I don’t do anything good.

  We get to the house; my mum sits with my brother. She is very happy he is home. I ask my dad if I can play outside. He tells me I can. Then I don’t get in the way. I don’t know anyone near my mum and dad’s house. But there are lots of children. I have a tennis ball. Me and Sheba play with it. She runs and gets it. I can’t do it because I am sore inside. The other children stare at me. Maybe they know I am bad.

  There is a girl. She comes to me. She says she is called Faye. She asks me what my name is. I tell her. She asks me if that is my dog. I tell her it is. She has a dog too. It is just little. It is her mum’s dog. She lives in the house across the road. She has a sister and a brother. She asks if I have any brothers and sisters. I tell her about my brother. But he isn’t very well. He was just in the hospital. She asks me if I want to play cricket with them. I tell her yes please.

  Faye is very nice. I like her very much. Her brother is big. He comes and plays too. There are lots of children. We all play together outside. We play cricket. I have a very fun time. I like them all lots. Maybe they can be my friends and they don’t ever know I am bad inside. I won’t ever tell them.

  Eight

  (Age Nine)

  My dad says he will put new paper on the walls in my bedroom. But I like it. It is mine and Mr. Ted’s. There is some paper there. But it is peeling off. Some of the walls have wood on them. I am allowed to put pictures there. But I don't be allowed to put them on the paper parts. Not even the broken paper parts. I have to use the blu-tak. I don't get to use tape. Me and Mr. Ted draw lots of pictures. We put them on the wall. We drawed one of Tommy at the hospital. He is with his mummy. He smiles very big. He doesn’t have lots of wires anymore.

  My room is big. It is at the front. The window sticks out from the roof outside. It has a door. The door is made out of glass. I have a big wardrobe too. Me and Mr. Ted look inside it. It is made into the wall. It has a shelf with a pole in it. Maybe we can hide in there. Me and Mr. Ted can climb all the way to the shelf and sit on it. No one ever finds us.

  I have a sink too. It is green. It is in my room. My mum says I don't be allowed to use it very muc
h. My dad says he will put some shelves on the wall. I have lots too many books. I need to put them all there. He says he will do it when I get new paper. I get to pick the paper. I am very excited. I get a new room and lots of new things. I get to make it look all nice like my friends have. I don't know what to make it look like.

  My dad gived me his old desk. He has a new one. The old one is scratched. But I like it very much. Me and Mr. Ted put a pot on it. We have lots of pens and paper. We write lots of stories at it and draw lots of pictures. Then we put them on the wall. It looks very nice.

  My mum says I can have sleepovers too. Peter is coming to sleep. I can’t wait. He doesn’t ever see my room before. His mum is going to bring him in her car. I look out of my window. Maybe he comes very soon.

  I get bored waiting for him. My window is very high. I have to stand on the table next to my bed to look out of it. I let Mr. Ted look too. But not too much. I don't want him to fall out of the window. Then he goes away and gets stuck on the roof at the bottom. Then I never get him back and he gets scared about it.

  My mum and dad’s room is next to mine. It is very big too. It has a big bed and my brother’s cot thing. It has a sink too. My mum has the box that I sleeped on when we lived at my Nan’s house. No one sleeps on it now. My dad puts his garage clothes on it when he gets changed. My mum doesn’t let him stay in his overalls. She says he makes everything dirty when he does. He has to get a shower too. He takes his clothes off in the bedroom. Then I see him go past my door. He is going for his shower. He doesn’t wear any clothes when he does that.

  I wait for my dad to shut the door downstairs. I can hear it. Then he goes to the bathroom. I sneak into my mum and dad’s room. I look in my dad’s pocket. He has lots of money. Maybe he is rich. Andrew comes too. He listens for my dad coming back. There are lots of notes all rolled in a tube. I wish they were mine. I could buy lots of things. Maybe I can buy sweets. I ask Mr. Ted if my dad knows about all the money. But he doesn’t think so. We take fifty pence. I put it in my pocket and go back to my room. Maybe he will know I got it and then he will be mad about it. Maybe he can see it in my room. But I don't give it back.