Goodbye Teddy

by Stockholm, JD

  I run to the back door. It is all around the corner. I don’t look in the windows. Maybe I see him and then he waves at me with his big smiley face. I don’t like it. I open the door very fast and I lock it. I put lots of lights on. It is cold in the house. The fire isn’t on. But I don’t turn it on. Maybe I am not allowed.

  I have to close the big curtains in the lounge. My mum doesn’t like them open when the light is on. She says everyone gets to see in the house and then maybe they want to steal all her things. I close them. They are big and orange. They are fluffy too. My mum says it is called velvet. I don’t like when they are closed. Then no one can see if the bad man comes.

  I sit on the sofa. I don’t move at all. I hug myself all tight. I put the television on. Then I don’t hear the bad man in the other rooms. It makes me scared inside. I keep very still. I don’t let the shivers come. But I am very cold.

  It is a long time when my mum and dad come back. Maybe they didn’t come back. But they did. My brother is tired. He has lots of things. He shows me them. He has toys and videos. I don’t have anything. They have been to a place called Morecombe. It is nice there. They have lots of rides and things. They went because it is the end of the year. Then everything is very cheap.

  I didn’t know they were going out. They didn’t tell me about it. But they had lots of fun. My mum tells me to get ready for bed and to go to my room. It feels all bad inside my tummy about it. I don’t tell her though. Maybe if I am good I can go next time.

  But they don’t. They go lots of times to lots of places. I don’t like it. I don’t like when I don’t know. Maybe they don’t come back. I don’t like when I sit in the house all by myself.

  Sometimes I sit at Jason’s house. My mum lets me have sleepover’s there. Then I don’t be scared that they aren’t in the house. But then on Sundays they don’t be there too. They go away on two days.

  Maybe when I am at school they go away too. And they don’t tell me about it. Maybe my mum disappears and I don’t ever see her again. It makes my tummy sad inside. It makes the crying come outside. I miss her very bad inside when I go to school. It makes me cry.

  I try to make it go away. The others in the classroom think I am a baby. But Mrs. Pilkington asks me lots of times if I am okay. I tell her I am. I don’t know why I cry.

  It gets all the way to Easter and I still cry all the time at school. I keep it away so no one sees but sometimes they do. Then they say he is crying again. On the Easter holidays, my mum and dad go away lots of times. They take my brother to the funfair when it opens. I don’t go because I used to go lots with my Nan. Now it is my brother’s turn. I don’t know when they go. But they are not home when I get in the house.

  Sometimes my brother whispers to my dad. He isn’t allowed to tell me. He asks my dad what time they are going to the Pleasure Beach. My dad tells him. My brother looks at me then he knows I don’t listen. But I do. I don’t say anything about it.

  We go back to school after Easter. The crying is still there. Maybe Mrs. Pilkington gets mad about it. She asks me to come with her. It makes my tummy turn upside down. Maybe she is going to shout at me. We go to the library. She tells me to sit down. She sits down too. She asks me why I cry lots of times. I tell her I don’t know. It just comes out.

  She kneels on the floor and she gives me some tissues. She asks me if some bad things happen at home. I don’t mean to cry big about it. Maybe she knows I am very bad. Then she will tell the head teacher and I go away to the boys home. Then I don’t see my mum and dad anymore. I don’t tell her. I don’t want her to know about it. I shake my head all big. But I don’t keep the crying away.

  She tells me I can tell her if there is something bad. I don’t want to tell her about my bad things. I tell her my brother is mean. He makes me cry in the mornings. She asks me if that is true. Is that why I cry. I nod my head all big. I tell her lots of things he does and make him sound very bad. Then she knows it is him and not my badness inside.

  She hugs me very big. I don’t ever get hugged like that before. She hugs me so big that I fall off the chair and I sit on her knee. She smells very nice. She hugs me and all the tears falls out. I don’t mean them to. She tells me if there is anything bad that it is okay to tell her anytime. I nod my head and I promise I will tell her any bad things.

  She wipes my face and makes the tears go away. I like Mrs Pilkington very much. She is my favourite teacher. It makes me sad when it gets to summertime. Then I am leaving the school. I have to go to senior school. I won’t ever see Mrs. Pilkington again. She is going to have a baby too. When it is the very last day, she gives me a card. It has a big smile inside it. She tells me to smile forever. She gives me a very big hug. She gives me a book too. She has written inside it. It is to write my stories in. It is very special. I promise to keep it forever.

  Twenty Eight

  I can’t wait until I go to senior school. But it isn’t the school I want to go to. I want to go to the same one Faye goes to. She is bigger than me. She started senior school already. She is the year above me. Jason is going to go there too. But he doesn’t start senior school yet. He is in the year below me. He has to be in junior school for one more year. My mum and dad say I can’t go to that school. It has girls there. If there are girls there, then I make them do the sex thing and then maybe they have a baby and my dad isn’t going to pay for it. But I don’t. He says he knows what I am like. I do the sex thing all the time with people. But I don’t. He doesn’t believe me. I have to go to a school that just has boys. Then I don’t get near any girls.

  I tell my mum and dad I don’t have any friends at the boys school. But my dad says Peter is there. I don’t want to go where Peter goes. We don’t be good friends anymore. I say hello to him. But maybe he knows about my bad things I do, then he doesn’t like me. So I don’t talk to him. Then he can’t tell me to go away. He tries to be my friend. But I don’t want to.

  My mum says it is good that I don’t see Peter. She doesn’t like his mum. His mum is nosey. She gets in all the business that isn’t hers. She makes my mum mad. My mum wishes she would go away. Peter’s mum knows about the Batman doctor too. She thinks my mum should leave it alone. But my mum says she doesn’t know anything. She is just stupid.

  I play with Kirsty. She is going to go to a school that just has girls in it. She doesn’t live at the hotel anymore. Her mum and dad don’t live together. She just lives with her mum. They live in a flat. It is very good there. She has a funny bed. It is in the kitchen and it comes down out of the wall. Sometimes I get to sleep over and we sleep in it. It is very strange to sleep in the kitchen.

  We are in there. Her mum buys us lots of nice things to eat. We get to play games and things. I ask her if she wants to play a game that boys and girls play. I know it because I did it lots of times at the play place. I had to do lots of things with the girls. I don’t tell Kirsty about the play place. I just tell her about the game. We play with the cards and we have to take our clothes off when we lose. She loses lots of times. So do I. Her mum doesn’t see because she is in the place next door. She drinks beer with her friends and smokes cigarettes.

  I show Kirsty about the touching part. I show her how to do it when she loses the game. But then I lose and I have to do it to her too. She isn’t like Peter, but I know what to do. My dad does it to my mum too and I did it lots at the play place. She says it tickles. It makes her laugh about it.

  She says boys and girls are supposed to kiss. But I don’t like to. She says I have to. That’s what they do when they put their hands there. It makes my mouth feel funny when we do it. Her mouth is all wet and slimy and I don’t like it. Maybe she does. I don’t do it lots of times.

  We do the other thing lots of times. I like to do that. Maybe it is like my dad said. It is like the sex part. Andrew tries to see. But I tell him to go away in my brain and he doesn’t stay. But he knows how to do it all too.

  In the morning when we wake up, we go to my house. We get to play in the ga
rage. My mum and dad have an old sofa there. Just the cushions. We sit on them and we play games and play cards. We talk about lots of things. Sometimes we do the other things too. But not today. There are lots of papers there. We think about maybe making them into a fire. I like fire. I play with it lots of times when no one knows about it.

  My dad keeps his motorbikes in the garage too. He has a bottle that he keeps his petrol in. I show it to Kirsty. Maybe we can use it to make the fire. She says yes. We open it up. I like how it smells. I like how it makes my head feel. It is all fuzzy inside.

  Kirsty smells it too. It makes my head feel all wobbly. We laugh about it. We smell it some more. I put my nose right at the bottle and then I sniff it deep. Then I fall back on the cushions and Kirsty laughs about it. She lies down with me too. Maybe we can go to sleep.

  Kirsty doesn’t stay all day. Her mum is taking her out. She has to go back home. I say okay and then I say goodbye to her. I feel sad when she goes away. Then I don’t have anyone to play with. I don’t call for Jason yet. Maybe I can go and get him later. My head feels too funny. It makes me walk funny.

  I go into my house. My dad is on the sofa. He tells me to come here. I don’t want to. Maybe I am in trouble. My dad was with his friend. But his friend isn’t there. Maybe he sent him away because I did bad things. I always make everything bad and spoil things. Maybe I spoilt his friend being there.

  My dad doesn’t shout. He doesn’t have his angry face about it. He puts his hand out and tells me to come over. I take his hand. He pulls me down and makes me sit on his knee. He doesn’t do that before. But he doesn’t do bad things either. He doesn’t smack me and I don’t get shouted at. Maybe he knows about the petrol.

  My dad hugs me very tight. He puts his big arms around me and it makes me want to go away. It makes me get scared. I tell my dad to let me go. Maybe he is going to shout at me. I try to get up and go away. But he doesn’t let me. He hugs me very hard so I don’t get away. My head feels all dizzy inside. It hurts too. It feels like someone presses it inside.

  My mum comes in. She isn’t mad. She has a camera. But it isn’t the picture kind. It is one that makes the videos. I don’t like it. My dad tries to make my clothes unfastened. But I don’t want him to. I don’t want the camera thing making the video. I feel scared inside. I don’t want to do the sex thing. I don’t want my mum to see.

  She puts the camera on the little table. Then she opens the door. My dad’s friend comes in. I don’t want him to see the sex part. My dad tells me it is okay. He has got all my clothes off. I try to make myself hide away and then no one sees.

  The man takes his pants off and my dad holds my hands. My mum tells me that I have to kneel down, but I don’t want to. I feel the crying inside, but I don’t let it get out. My dad’s friend sits down and my mum says I have to go over there to him. But I don't want to. I try to shake my head, but my dad makes me go there. Then he puts my head down and I have to put it in my mouth. I don’t like to do it. But he doesn't do it all to the end. The man does the sex part too. My mum says to my dad to hold my hands. He makes me lean on his knees. Then I can’t make my arms move and his friend does the sex part. I wish I could go away. I don’t want to be here anymore. When it is all finished my dad lets my hands go, then I curl up by the sofa. The man gets dressed again. I hug my knees tight. I don’t move. I don’t look at anything. I don’t look at my mum and dad. They talk about boring things.

  My mum tells me to go and get dressed in the bathroom. Then I can go out and play.

  Twenty Nine

  The bathroom is dark. But I don't turn the light on. I don't care. Maybe the bad man comes. Good. I lock the door. I don't want my mum and dad to come in. I don't want anyone to come in. I want them all to leave me alone. Maybe Sheba and Andrew can go away too. I kneel on the floor and hug myself all tight. I hug myself very hard. I don't stop the crying. It all comes out very big. I cry and I can’t breathe. Maybe it will make my head go pop. I hug myself tight to make the crying go away. But it doesn’t want to. The crying makes lots of noise. I don't know how to make it all stop and go away.

  I don't stand to get in the shower. I push the doors open. Then I crawl inside it. I turn it on. It is cold. It makes me jump. But I don't get out. I stay there. The water makes itself warm. It gets all the way to hot. It gets hotter and hotter. I turn it onto full. I sit in the corner and try to hug all the crying away. But it doesn’t want to go. It is inside. It feels very bad. I don't keep the crying sounds away. I can’t breathe. It makes my tummy turn upside down. The sick nearly comes out. Maybe my mum and dad will hear. Maybe they call me a baby.

  The water washes away. I watch it. It has red in it. I stare at it very hard. Then I see my dad’s nail brush. I make it go on my skin. I make it all go away. I brush very hard. It bleeds too. Then I get red lines on my arm and legs. I make them very hard. I make it all go away. I close my eyes and hug in the corner. I don't know I am there for a long time. I don't know that I fall to sleep. My mum bangs on the door. She tells me to hurry up. It makes me jump. I take too long in the shower and use all the water. I didn't know that water has gone cold. I didn't feel it. It makes me shiver when my mum bangs.

  I sniff very hard. My nose is all blocked up. My eyes are big and puffy. They feel like bug eyes. I tell my mum I am coming out. I tell her I am sorry. I didn't mean to take very long. I turn the shower off and get out. My dad’s towel is on the side. I use that because I don't have one. I look at the mirror. That is not me. That is someone bad. I hate him. I hate him very bad. He makes everything bad. He makes my mum and dad hate me. I wish he would go away. I get my hand and I smack him very hard in the face. I swear at him and screw my face up. He doesn’t cry. I hit him harder. I do it again and again and again. He is so stupid. I wish he would get lost. I want him to go away and never come back.

  "I hate you," I say to him. "I hate you. I hate you." I smack him and I tell it to him lots of times. I want him to go away. I make my fingers dig in his face. I make it hurt. I wish I could hit him until he dies.

  My mum shouts me again. I make my breathing all hard. Then I get to feel it inside. I stare with a mean face at the boy in the mirror. I want him to know I hate him very bad. We don’t be the same. I make my nails scratch down his neck. Maybe it can hurt.

  I hope so.

  I get dry and dressed. I don’t look at the mirror again. I don’t want to see him. I don’t ever want to see him again. My mum says I should go out and play. Whilst I still have time. I don’t say anything to my mum. I don’t look at the door for the lounge. I don’t want to see my dad and his friend. I don’t look at the mirror when I walk past it in the hallway. I don’t want to see that stupid face ever again. My mum lets me go out the front door. She locks it behind me. I don’t want to play with my friends. I don’t want to play with anyone, ever.

  I run very fast out of the driveway. I run fast all the way down the road. I don't care that it hurts bad inside. Maybe it bleeds again too. I get to the promenade where the big ramp is. But I climb over the railing to the big steep rocks we don’t be allowed to play on. Maybe we will fall and die. I hope so. Then I can go away. I walk on them very fast. All along the top. I try to make my eyes closed then I don’t see where I am going. I hope the stupid boy falls and dies. Maybe his head gets broken open. I hope he falls very bad.

  I don’t fall down. I get all to the end. I don’t know why I don’t fall. I try very hard. I turn around and I walk all the way back. I can see people playing. Maybe it is Jason and Faye and Simon. But I don’t shout them. I don’t want them to see me. I climb over the fence and get away. It hurts when I climb. It hurts inside from the man. Good. It should hurt very bad.

  I don’t know where to go. Maybe I can get lost. Maybe I can go away and no one ever finds me. I don’t talk to Andrew. I know he is there. I feel him watching me. He doesn’t like the boy too. It is good. I go to my mum and dad’s house. Maybe the friend has gone. But I don’t go in the house. I go into the back garden. The
n I go into the garage. It is dark in there. I open it up. I have the key on my keys for the back door. I close it behind me. I don’t turn the lights on. Maybe the bad man can get me in there. I don’t care.

  I sit on the cushions. I look at my dad’s bottle of petrol. Maybe I can drink it. It is poison. My dad says it is. He shouts when my brother plays in there. Because there is lots of things and it is poison and can make him die and go to heaven. I look at it lots of times. Maybe I can drink it all down. I think about it inside. Maybe it tastes nice. I like how it smells. Maybe it doesn’t taste very bad.

  I reach over and get it. I open it. It smells nice. Maybe I can count. Not to four though. Four is very bad. I count to three. One, two, three. Then I can drink it and I can go away and then everyone is happy about it.

  One.

  Two.

  Three.

  I lift the bottle up and then I put it at my mouth. I don’t tip it yet. I don’t keep the crying part away. I don’t ever be any good. “Drink it.” I say it very bad to myself. “Drink it. Drink it.” I make the words all big and growl inside. Then I get to feel the D and the K. They scratch my throat. I say it lots of times. But my stupid hands don’t make it tip up.

  My head feels funny inside. Maybe it floats away. It makes me feel like I can fly away. Maybe I did go to heaven. I breathe in very deep. Then I put the bottle down. It makes me laugh. Maybe I can go to the rocks and I can jump off them and then I can fly. Maybe I fly very far away.

  I smile very big. I like when my head feels all funny. I try to stand up. Maybe I can find Jason and I can play with him. But I don’t be able to. My legs are like jelly. They wobble lots and I fall over. I laugh about it. Stupid boy always falls over. I don’t get up again. I can’t be bothered about it. I lie on the floor. It is dusty there. But it doesn’t matter.

  There is a spider on the floor. He is dusty too. I watch him. Maybe he is scared. Maybe he thinks I will squish him. I put my hand out very far. Then I press him and the spider runs away. I laugh at him. He is a scardy spider.