Goodbye Teddy

by Stockholm, JD

  Maybe I can take him inside. I try to slide on the floor. But I don’t be able to. My eyes close and I don’t know they do it. I don’t know I am very tired. I don’t know that I go to sleep. Maybe it is a long time. My eyes close and then I go. Maybe the bad man comes. I smile about it. Then I fall to sleep. Maybe I can fall to sleep for a long time.

  Thirty

  I like September. I get to start my new school. I get to be a senior. I am very excited about it. I got a new uniform. It isn’t new from the shops. My mum and dad don't have a lot of money. They can't buy me new clothes. My mum got it from the jumble sale at the school. It looks very nice. I have to wear a blazer. It has a badge on the pocket. Then I have a tie and a shirt. I get to wear pants. Not like junior school. I had to wear shorts there. I didn't like the shorts. It made my legs cold. I didn't like it when it rained very hard and then my legs got all sore from it. It was very cold.

  The blazer is too big. But they didn't have one in my size. My mum says I will grow into it. Then it can last a long time. I have to look after it. I don't get another one and then I get in trouble about it at school.

  I get new shoes. My dad let me buy them. I got them from the shop. They are black and shiny. I have to put special stuff on them to make them stay shiny. My dad says I have to do it in the nighttime. But I am not allowed to do it in the house. My mum says it smells very bad. Then it gives her a headache. I do it outside in the garage. I practise lots of times when I sit out there.

  I have a mark on my face. It is like a line. My mum says it is a rash. But now it is joined up. It stings when I smell the petrol and the petrol touches it. Then it feels like fire on my skin. But it isn’t burnt. I didn't make it on fire. My mum asks me what it is. But I tell her I don't know. I don't stop smelling the petrol. I like it. It makes me feel happy inside. Then I talk a lot. I talk lots to my mum about the nice doctor. We talk all about it all the time. Maybe the petrol takes my bad parts away. Maybe then she likes me. I tell her when I see his car. I don't see it really. But it makes her smile inside. Sometimes we sit in the bathroom when my mum has to get her bath and I have to get ready for bed. I stay in there a long time and we talk about the doctor. She likes him very much.

  I ask Andrew if he likes my new clothes. He thinks they are very nice. I make them look nice. My mum and dad are going to drive me to my new school. I don't know where it is. I didn't go there before. My mum didn't let me go when she had a look around it. She said I am going there anyway. It doesn’t matter. My brother says it is big and giant.

  I don't know anything. My mum says Peter is there too so it doesn’t matter. Peter and my brother walked all around the school when they got to see it. But I didn't listen about it. I didn't want to know. My brother is stupid. He gets it all wrong anyway. I don't see Peter all summer long. I don't want to. I don't want to talk about the touching part. I am bad inside and I make him do bad things too. I don't want him to know I am bad. Then he will tell everyone.

  My school is down a big hill. My dad takes me early. I have to be there before my brother has to go to school. Maybe because it is big school. Then I have to be there longer. My mum and dad don't get out of the car. Lots of other mums and dads do. But my dad says I am big. I can do it myself. I don't need them with me. I get out of the car and say goodbye. They don't say it back. Then they drive away.

  I am very scared about it. It makes my tummy turn over inside. I don't start new schools for a very long time. Maybe I will go to the wrong place and get lost. I have my bag with my pens and papers. I have my notebook and library book too. Maybe I don't have the right things with me. There is a long driveway to get to the school. I walk along it. There are lots of other people coming in too.

  There are signs on the doors. They say first years this way and there is an arrow. I have to go in the big foyer and then I have to go to the big hall. It is so big. Maybe it is a lot bigger than the one at juniors. It has a stage. I didn't ever see a stage in school before.

  There are lots of other first years too. They are all sat down on the floor. They sit in lots of groups. But I don't sit with them. I don't know lots of them. I know some. But they are not my friends. They just went to the same junior school. Peter sees me. He waves. He sits by himself too. I go and sit with him. He asks me what I did to my face. I tell him it’s a rash.

  The head teacher comes and she tells us all where we have to go. Me and Peter are in the same class. I smile big about that. So does Peter then we don't have to be by ourselves. We have a teacher called Mrs. Morris. They all say our names and we have to go with them.

  Our classroom is outside. It is like a garage it has two classrooms and a cloak room. We have our own desks. Me and Peter pick the ones at the front. They open and we get to put locks on them. Mrs. Morris says we keep our books in there. We have a timetable too. We have to remember what books we need every day.

  We get to eat in the canteen. My dad has given me two pounds. He says that is enough for lunch. I can get a sandwich with that. Me and Peter go to the canteen at lunch time. There are lots of others there. They are all big. They push us out of the way. Me and Peter sit at the back. Then we don't get in their way and get shouted at.

  We have all our lessons in our classroom. It is a very good day. Our classroom is at the back gate. Peter says that is the way we have to go. His mum is picking him up. She sits there in her car. She has a big smile when she sees us. She asks us if it is a good day. We both nod our heads very big and then Peter gets in the car. They drive away.

  I have to walk home. But I don't know the way. My dad didn't tell me. My mum said I could find my own way home and if I got lost, it was tough. I walk all along the road. Then I get to the one with the hill. It is very big to walk up. It makes my legs all hurt about it. I talk to Andrew in my brain about all the things. We talk about the school and lots of things. Some boys get passed me. They are mean. They laugh at the mark on my face. They say stupid words about it. I don't listen to them. Maybe they can fall over and hurt themselves.

  There is another boy. He lives near my house. I have seen him sometimes. But I don't ever play with him. I don't know his name. He has brown skin like my Gaga. He goes to my school. He says hi and I say hi back. He asks me if I just started today and I say yes. His name is Aadi he says. He lives around the corner from my house. He says he has seen me play lots of times.

  “Would you like to come around one day?” he asks to me. I say yes.

  I don't want to play today. I want to go to the garage. I like to smell the petrol stuff. It makes my head feel funny. Then I don't think about all the things. Then my dad does the sex thing. It doesn’t make my badness come out. I talk to my dad lots of times when I smell the petrol. We talk about books. He likes them very much. Then he does the sex part and I go to bed. It makes my head fall to sleep.

  Thirty One

  (Age Twelve)

  I like senior school. I like it a lot. There is a lot of homework to do. But I get it done when I get home. I like to get A’s at school. I want to be a doctor. I have to do very good there. I do my homework in the garage. Then I don't get in everyone's way and my mum and dad don't know about the petrol.

  I like English the most. I like when we have to write stories. Mine always get too long. I write them very fast when I get home. I like to write lots of stories. The teacher today said we have to write a story about a telephone call. I have lots of ideas. It has to be two pages long. Mine always get bigger. I write lots of pages. I am going to make my story scary. The phone call can be from a murderer.

  I read lots of scary stories. My Nan buys me the books from the flea market. But they don't sell fleas there. My Dad pretends they do. Sometimes he is silly. My Nan got me a book called Carrie. My mum shouted at her about it. But I like it. It is about a girl at school and they all pick on her. Then she makes them all die in the school. It is an old book. It falls to bits. But I like it very much. My Nan buys me more books. They are by Stephen King. They are my favourite. I read them al
l in the night. Then my mum doesn’t get mad about it.

  Sometimes I read them in the garage. I go in there and smell the petrol. Then I lie on the cushions and read the book. Sometimes I fall to sleep and my mum and dad doesn’t wake me up. They lock the door. But I don't know about it. I am asleep.

  My mum says the Stephen King books make bad things happen. They make the bad man come. She wants to set them on fire. But I tell her no. I hide them. My Nan sneaks them. Then she doesn’t get shouted at about it. I hide them at the bottom of my wardrobe. My mum doesn’t go in there. I have a big box in front of it. Then the bad man can’t hide.

  I can’t wait to get home to write my story. I write it all in my head like a film. My dad drives past me. He drives past every day. He doesn’t pick me up. He says I can walk. I don't like it when he picks me up. He gets my brother. Then he goes to the shop. He buys my brother a carton of juice and some sweets. I don't get any because I am bad. My brother needs them. He sits in the front. I have to sit in the back. My brother is too fat. So he can’t walk home. It makes his legs hurt too bad when he walks and then he can’t breathe.

  I don't wave at my dad and brother when they drive past. My brother doesn’t look at me. He doesn’t like me anymore. I don't like him too. He is fat and stupid and spoilt. Maybe he can go away. My brother and dad get to the house before me. They go in the front door. I am not allowed. I have to use the back door. I don't even get to use it when it is open. I go in the house. Then I run to my bedroom. I have to make my uniform folded or I get in trouble. My mum likes it folded a special way. She checks. If it is bad she gets mad about it. Then she tells my dad and he shouts at me. So I make it nice and tidy and then I don't get on her nerves again.

  My mum is in the kitchen. She is making dinner. She doesn’t make me any. My dad says I can make my own. I was twelve a few weeks ago. Now I am big enough to make it myself. But I have to make it before my mum starts dinner. She doesn’t let me after. Then I leave the kitchen in a mess and she has to start again making it clean. I don't get any dinner today. She is making dinner already. I walked home too slow. If I run very fast I can get in the kitchen. But I was thinking about my story. It doesn’t matter. I will buy some things later. I have some money. I got it from my dad’s pocket. He doesn’t notice about it. I hide all the food and they don't know about it. I make the wrappers burn away in the garage. Then they never know.

  I go to the garage but my dad is there. He is doing some work on his bike. He has a race on the weekend. He races with all his friends. I don't get to go. He takes my brother lots of times. I don't want to go and watch stupid bike races. I don't like them anyway.

  I ask my mum if I can go out. She says yes. I have to be back at nine. Her cigarettes are on the table in the dining room. I take three of them. I didn't ever smoke before. Maybe they are like the petrol. But I can’t get to that. My dad is in the garage. My mum doesn’t see me take them. I take my dad’s lighter too. It is a special one. I use it lots of times when I make the fires and he doesn’t ever see about it.

  I go to the promenade. I climb over the railings. I don't fall. I climb there lots of times and I never fall. Not even when I want to. I know how to climb. I am good at it. Sometimes the coast guard comes and tells me to go away. It is too dangerous. But I sneak back lots of times. I like to watch the sea. It is very far down. I put my mum’s cigarette in my mouth and then I light it. I see my dad do it lots of times. But the cigarette doesn’t light. I look at it. I don't know why it doesn’t work. I try it again. I suck it like a straw. But it goes in my throat it makes me cough very bad. It nearly makes me be sick. I cough very bad. My eyes water too.

  It tastes very bad in my mouth. But it makes my head all dizzy. Not dizzy like the petrol does. Just a little bit. It makes my eyes want to close. I put the cigarette at my mouth again. I suck it in very slow. Then I let it out of my mouth again like my dad does. I don't smoke the other two. I can smoke them tomorrow.

  It is very boring on the rocks. The dizzy thing in my head doesn’t last a long time. Maybe I can go to Aadi’s house. He doesn’t live very far away. I climb back over the railing and I go there. I hope it is okay. His mum is very nice. She lets me in and we play tennis. I stay there until nine then I run home again. I get there very fast.

  I have to get changed into my pyjamas. Then I go upstairs and get in my dad’s bed.

  Thirty Two

  I get up very early in the morning. But sometimes it is very cold. When it is winter, maybe I freeze in bed. I get my uniform on when I hide in the bed covers. It is too cold to get out of the bed. My nose and fingers feel frozen. My mum and dad don't get out of bed. They don't have to get up until after eight. Then my dad drives my brother to school. He doesn’t ever be late.

  I go into my mum and dad’s room. I have to for my lunch money. They don't leave it out. My dad gets annoyed that I wake him up. But if I don't wake him up, I don't get any lunch. My mum grabs my hands. She puts them on her face. She smells them. I make them pull away. I don't like it when she does that. “Did you touch yourself?” she asks me. I shake my head a lot. I tell her no I didn't. “You did, didn't you?” she says.

  “We know you did,” my dad says too. “It’s nice to do it."

  I don't like the words they say. I wish they would stop it. It makes me feel the bad parts inside. I don't want them to talk about the bad things I do.

  “You like sex,” my dad says. But I shake my head. I laugh about it. They laugh about it too. I ask my dad if I can have my money. I am going to be late for school. My mum makes my pants opened and she pulls my shirt out. I don't like it. I tell her to stop it. She laughs about it. They call me a baby. But I don't be. “We know you like it,” my dad says. He talks about when it feels nice inside. But I don't want him to say the words. He tells my mum about it. He puts his finger in his mouth. I hate when he does that. It makes me feel bad inside. I want to wash it all away.

  I get my money off my dad. I don't go to the bathroom. I don't go and get any breakfast. I go out of the house. Then I can go away. But my brain is so stupid. It makes me mad. It says maybe I didn't lock the door. I run back and check it. It is locked. I walk to the driveway again. But my brain won’t shut up. The door isn’t locked. The door isn’t locked. It makes me mad. I hate it. Stupid brain. Stupid pictures. I will be late for school. I run to the door and then I check it again. It is locked. I tell my brain to stop it. It’s locked. I check it three times. Then I run away so my brain doesn’t do it again.

  I see Aadi’s mum and dad’s car. They take him to school. Sometimes they take me. But I don't like it. I say yes if it is wet. But I like to smoke the cigarette when I go to school. It makes my head all fuzzy inside. I like it. I smoke it and no one gets to see it.

  I don't smoke one when I finish school because Aadi walks home with me. But I smoke it when he is gone because his house is first. I walk all around the block so I can smoke it before I get home. Then my mum and dad don't see it.

  Aadi calls for me after school. He does lots of times. My mum and dad like him very much. My mum likes his mum too. I know it is Aadi when my mum opens the door all happy. Then she tells him to come in. My mum likes him because he is brown.

  My dad is home. He is going to do some work on his motorbike. Aadi asks my dad about it. Aadi likes motorbikes too. He has a big brother who has one. He wants one too when he is bigger. Aadi asks my dad if he can see the bike. My dad says yes. But we are not allowed to touch it. Aadi says he won’t.

  My dad has a special bike in the garage. He takes it out at the weekends. It has a big back wheel for the racing. I have never been before. My brother has. My dad gets the bike out. It makes Aadi’s eyes get all big and excited like bug eyes. He says wow in a really long way. My dad smiles very big about it. “Do you like it?” my dad asks. Aadi nods his head.

  My dad tells him all about it. I don't listen. I don't want to. Sheba is outside. I stand at the door and I throw the ball for her. She runs and gets it and brings it back.
My dad shows Aadi the pictures for the bike he is making. It is a special one. It is a trike. It will have three seats on it. Aadi likes it very much. My dad says he will take it on the sand dunes and race it.

  My mum comes outside too. She comes into the garage. She talks to my dad and Aadi. She smiles very big about it. “Do you like the bike?” she asks him. He tells her he does. He tells her about his brother’s bike. I yawn very big. My brother comes outside too. He wants to know what we are all doing. I ask Aadi if he is going home soon. My mum shouts at me. She says my name very loud. I am being rude. I don't say anything about it. I tell her I am waiting to go out and play.

  “Well go them,” she says. “You don't need to wait for Aadi.”

  I give my mum a mean look about it. I hate her. I hate all of them. They are all stupid. I don't say the words to them. But I think it. I hope they hear me. I storm out of the garage. I wish I could slam the door. But I can’t. I storm all the way up the driveway. I hate them and I wish they all went away.

  I don't really need to go out to play. But I don't want to be at the house. I walk all around. I smoke a cigarette in the alleyway and then I hide it. Maybe my mum sees it. I know how to do the smoking and not make the cough now. I know how to smoke properly. I watch my dad do it.

  I walk around all the streets. There are some girls. They are playing stupid games. They are trying to play football. Girls are no good at football. They aren’t fast enough. They can’t get it in the goal. I watch them play it. I laugh about it. One girl kicks the ball very hard. Then the other girl misses it. She has to chase it up the road. I laugh very loud. One of the girls tells me to shut up. Stupid girls. The girl catches the ball. She kicks it very hard back. It goes all the way past to me. I pick it up. I ask them if they want it back. They say yes. I laugh at them and run away.