Barefoot

by Ruth Patterson

  ‘u ok?’

  There. She couldn’t believe she’d actually done it.

  She sat back and waited.

  ‘cool, u?’

  ‘cool’

  Now what? She sat back, frustrated. Then pressed the button to call him. He answered immediately, giving her no chance to change her mind.

  ‘Hey.’

  ‘Hey.’

  There was a painful silence and she regretted calling at once.

  ‘I was wondering if you’ve managed to put a saddle on Rebel yet?’

  ‘Yesterday.’ There was another silence.

  ‘How’d it go?’

  ‘Bit tricky. But basically good. Yeah.’

  ‘Great.’

  That was it. She had officially run out of conversation.

  Then he surprised her. ‘Sorry about my dad.’

  So he had been embarrassed. Lauren was right.

  ‘That’s OK. You haven’t met my mother yet,’ she said, then wished she hadn’t. One day he was going to find out her mother was Arabella De Carteret, but hopefully not for a long time.

  ‘He wants me to work full-time on the farm.’

  ‘That’s tough – if you don’t want to.’ Toni could relate to that, with all the pressure she got from Arabella to be something she wasn’t.

  ‘Right, I’m ready.’

  She looked up, startled somehow to see her own father standing in the doorway, showered and shaved, but with exhaustion still evident on his face.

  ‘I’ve got to go.’ She knew she sounded awkward.

  ‘OK. Later.’ Cal rang off.

  ‘Anyone I know?’

  ‘Just Lauren. Planning to meet up at Badminton.’ She pocketed her phone, wondering why she had lied to him.

  ‘You guys are still friends?’

  ‘Yeah.’ Toni nodded warily, waiting for a lecture, but it didn’t come.

  He surprised her instead. ‘Hang onto her. She’s original, that one. Now come on. I’m starving.’

  When they walked back into the house later, the landline was already ringing. Her father took the call, then handed it over to Toni.

  ‘It’s for you. Something about Grace.’ He headed upstairs looking weary.

  It was the missing piece of the jigsaw at last. A woman sounding uncertain and nervous. ‘You wanted to know about Grace? I sold her after the accident. My daughter hasn’t owned a horse since.’

  ‘What happened?’

  There was silence at the other end of the line and Toni felt unnerved.

  What if her daughter was badly hurt?

  ‘I’m sorry. It doesn’t matter, really.’

  The woman cleared her throat. ‘No, it’s fine. Our trailer jackknifed. Luckily neither of us was injured.’

  Toni breathed a sigh of relief, but realised the woman now sounded close to tears.

  ‘I shouldn’t have called.’

  ‘Wait!’ The woman wouldn’t let her ring off. ‘Why do you want to know?’

  ‘I own Grace now – and I’m trying to understand her a bit better, I guess.’

  ‘Well, it’s pretty easy to understand,’ the woman said. ‘That mare suffered a real trauma. It’s a miracle she escaped with such minor injuries.’

  Toni ended the call filled with self-doubt. She had thought this would be easy. That all Grace needed was understanding, and she could learn to trust again. But her fear of trailers made complete sense now and indicated a really deep-seated trauma. And the truth was Toni didn’t have either the skills or knowledge to help her at all.

  ‘Who was that?’ Her father asked, on his way back downstairs again.

  ‘One of Grace’s old owners.’

  ‘What’s going on?’

  She hesitated. ‘She has such a phobia about trailers. I was trying to work out why.’

  ‘Any luck?’

  ‘Yeah. I know why now. I just don’t know if I can do anything about it.’

  He gave her a hug. ‘You can do anything if you put your mind to it, darling.’ He disappeared back into the snug and turned on the television.

  He believes in me, Toni thought, and the awareness gave her new determination. She might not have knowledge or skills.

  But she could get them.

  ************

  The first week of May soon came around, and the yard was tense and focused on one thing only. Badminton.

  Arabella and her riders worked every spare minute to make sure the event team were ready. They spent long hours in the arena, perfecting their dressage and showjumping, with Arabella on the sidelines pushing them harder and harder. They were short a groom and the yard wasn’t running as smoothly as it should. The horse world was small. Even though Arabella advertised widely, her reputation had spread. Hardly anyone applied.

  Toni kept out of the way as much as she could and spent all her free time reading everything she could find about natural horsemanship.

  What sort of personality is Grace?

  She considered this. The mare was never comfortable amongst the crowds of other horses at shows and spooked easily. Although Grace was willing, it seemed to come from a deep-seated fear. She was scared of the alternative, which was punishment.

  From the start, she had been terrified of the whip. Toni remembered one incident, early on when they had first owned her, and Grace had refused to walk past a new set of jump wings at the arena entrance. Arabella let her get away with it twice, then stormed across and raised her whip.

  Looking back, Toni could see poor Grace had been trapped between two things that terrified her, the whip and the jumps. On working livery in a riding school, she probably had felt the whip so many times. From impatient children, encouraged by impatient instructors.

  What else? She was distrustful of strangers and doubting – which was no surprise. She had been through so many homes. So she protected herself by holding herself back.

  Toni decided the first step was to rebuild her trust. She spent as much time with Grace as she could every day, taking her down into the bottom paddock out of Arabella’s way to do groundwork exercises. Cal didn’t get in touch, and she made no attempt to contact him either.

  She would, when she had made enough progress with Grace.

  When she was ready.

  Three days before Badminton, a new groom called Louise, finally started. She was straight out of agricultural college and hopelessly young and inexperienced. Arabella had it in for her from the minute she arrived.

  It was only her second day when Toni found her in tears in the tea room. ‘She watches me like a hawk. All the time,’ the girl sobbed. ‘It’s as if she’s just waiting for me to make mistakes.’

  Toni knew, more than anybody, how cruel Arabella could be.

  ‘This morning all I did was forget to add the supplements to their feed.’

  ‘It’s easily done,’ Toni said.

  ‘She was absolutely foul.’ The girl blew her nose and rubbed her face.

  ‘It’s not personal. She’s like that with everyone.’ Toni longed to be able to tell her it would get better, but she would have been lying. ‘Don’t let her see she’s getting to you,’ she said instead.

  Inevitably things soon came to a head. The team were doing their dressage tests in the arena, one after the other, and Louise’s job was to have the horses tacked up and ready. Toni was just leading Grace down to the bottom paddock when her mother lost it.

  ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’ Arabella’s voice rang out. The groom, who had just led Oscar into the arena, froze.

  ‘That is not a dressage saddle, you stupid girl,’ Arabella screamed.

  ‘Sorry. Sorry. I’ll change it.’ Louise turned to lead Oscar out of the ring again.

  ‘So, we’re all meant to do what exactly? Just stand here, waiting for you to do your job?’ Arabella sniped.

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  Toni could see Louise was desperate to get away from the line of fire. But Arabella wasn’t about to let her off the hook.

 
; ‘I’m ready now. The rider is ready now. Did they actually teach you anything at that college?’

  Louise began to look defiant now. ‘It was a mistake. OK.’

  ‘It was a mistake.’ Arabella mocked her mercilessly and pushed the girl too far. To Toni’s secret admiration, Louise dropped the reins and walked out of the arena, leaving her mother to stride forward and pick up Oscar’s reins herself. ‘I am surrounded by idiots,’ she ranted.

  The groom didn’t come back. Toni found her in the tack room gathering her things.

  ‘She’s impossible to work for. I quit.’

  Arabella was unimpressed. ‘Good riddance’ was all she said.

  But Toni knew finding anyone else so close to Badminton would be a serious challenge.

  Every day her mother seemed to get more unreasonable. And, though Toni hated to admit it to herself, she had been filled with envy when she watched Louise simply walk away.

  ************

  Arabella made her announcement at breakfast the next morning, on purpose, Toni suspected, just to ruin her day.

  ‘You haven’t forgotten Nola and Gramps are arriving this evening?’

  Toni had forgotten, although she had no excuse. Her grandparents were creatures of habit, and always flew over from South Africa in the show season. In the old days it was to watch their daughter compete and win. Now it was to watch her horses compete, ridden by somebody else. Toni’s heart sank. Three people in the house disapproving of her over breakfast and dinner was almost more than she could bear.

  ‘They should be here by six. We’ll be going out for dinner at seven-thirty,’ her mother added. ‘Your father maintains he can’t be home in time to join us.’

  Making a stand, Toni thought. He seemed to be spending more and more time in London nowadays, and she had got into a habit of eating cereal for at least two meals a day.

  ‘When’s Dad back?’ She tried to sound casual.

  ‘I have no idea.’ Arabella seemed completely uninterested.

  She would get him to teach her to cook, Toni decided. As soon as her wrist was better. She wriggled her fingers at the end of the cast then took a deep breath to check out how her ribs were doing. No sharp pain, which was a good sign.

  Five days of her grandparents. Five long days of sitting up straight and making painful small talk. Questions loaded with disapproval and disappointment.

  ‘And it should go without saying, but you need to smarten yourself up,’ Arabella said.

  Toni glanced down at the jeans and t-shirt she always wore.

  What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?

  She knew exactly what the answer would be. Nola and Gramps were stiff and formal, relics of a colonial lifestyle and still dressed for dinner

  ‘Make sure you don’t let me down.’ Her mother’s words hung in the room after she left.

  Toni sighed and dragged herself upstairs to sift through her wardrobe. The only additions since her grandparents’ last visit were more jeans, jods and sweatshirts. She pulled out the very same dress she had worn for their last two visits. Glancing in the mirror, she pulled a face at herself. The dress was at least two years old and not cut for a teenager with hips and boobs.

  Maybe she did need to go shopping after all. She wondered if Cal liked girls who wore dresses. She sat cross-legged on the bed and checked her phone for the twentieth time that day, but there was still no text from him.

  One from Lauren.

  ‘Wot u up 2?’

  ‘Out 4 dinner with Nola + gramps + A.’

  ‘Torture!’ Lauren texted back immediately. ‘Will b with u in spirit.’

  Toni felt better instantly. She knew Lauren would send silly texts all evening now.

  By seven-thirty, when there was still no sign of her grandparents, she logged on to check the flight had arrived, only to discover there was a delay of three hours. She hovered in her bedroom, delaying the inevitable moment of telling Arabella. In the end she decided it was like ripping a plaster off. She just had to go for it.

  Her mother was in her office, the door half-ajar. She was dressed in a smart skirt and jacket with a silk scarf knotted round her neck. Her hair, usually scraped back, was hanging loose. It made her seem softer, but Toni knew it was an illusion. She put her head round the door, cautious. ‘Bad news. Their flight is delayed.’

  Arabella erupted instantly. ‘So how long have we got to hang around? For God’s sake!’ She flung the stapler she was holding across the room in rage, making a dent in the plaster.

  Toni jumped back out of range, adrenalin racing through her body. ‘Three hours at least,’ she mumbled.

  ‘I’ll have to cancel the restaurant then, won’t I?’ Arabella glared at her daughter, as if it were somehow her fault.

  Toni withdrew quickly, shaking. Taking a banana and packet of crisps upstairs to the safety of her bedroom, she hung the dress back up in her wardrobe and put on her pyjamas instead, then logged back on. She soon lost track of time, surfing natural horsemanship websites, and it was past eleven before she heard a car on the gravel outside. Headlights lit up the front of the house.

  Her father? Or her grandparents?

  She drew back her curtains and saw the light of a taxi.

  Nola and Gramps.

  She remembered her mother’s fury and shivered. Could she get away with pretending she was in bed already? No, Arabella would take it as a declaration of war. And she had five whole days of her grandparents to get through yet.

  Sighing, she pulled on her dressing gown and set off downstairs. They were already standing in the hall, taking off their coats. Nola looked up as Toni came down. ‘Here she is.’ She offered her cheek up to be kissed. ‘It’s lovely to see you, my dear.’

  Her grandfather shook her hand.

  He looks older.

  ‘Come on into the sitting room.’ Arabella led the way. ‘Toni will bring in some tea and sandwiches.’

  She swept off, but to Toni’s surprise Nola followed her into the kitchen instead. ‘I just need to freshen up. I’ll join you in a few minutes,’ she called back to the others.

  Toni tensed immediately, knowing how fussy her grandmother could be. She filled the kettle carefully and took out bread for the sandwiches.

  ‘I just wanted to say what a beauty you’re turning into.’

  Toni blushed with pleasure.

  ‘So like your mother at your age.’

  Her heart sank again. She didn’t want to be anything like Arabella. She reached for the butter dish.

  ‘No butter on the sandwiches,’ her grandmother said sharply. ‘Your grandfather needs to watch his heart.’

  ‘OK. Sorry.’

  Nola disappeared, leaving Toni to dig out the margarine resentfully. But she needed to keep the peace, so she did what was expected, carrying in the tray of food, and spending the next hour enduring the inevitable questions.

  ‘How are you recovering?’

  ‘How is school?’

  ‘Do you have a young man?’

  She shook her head definitely at this last one, and was grateful when her father arrived and took over as host, pouring everyone drinks and being gracious to Nola. There was no sign of the distance now common between him and her mother.

  And then, as usual, the talk turned to horses. Familiar territory where her grandfather and mother had plenty to say to each other and Toni could finally excuse herself and go to bed.

  Five days, and counting.

  ***** Seven *****

  As Badminton approached, the tension in the house escalated unbearably. Toni’s father was called away on urgent business, timing she didn’t believe could be a coincidence. She found herself wondering whether to even go at all. The more she read about natural horsemanship, the more she was beginning to question the big competitions.

  But Arabella would expect her to make an appearance, and provoking her mother nowadays could be dangerous. Plus it was a tradition that she met Lauren on cross-country day to walk the course and drink hot cho
colate.

  Two of Arabella’s horses had qualified to compete, and she planned to travel up every day with Nola and Gramps, leaving Jen to sleep overnight. They had finally managed to hire a temporary groom for the event, by offering double the usual rate.